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+---- Thread: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? (/showthread.php?tid=136503)
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Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - tredpalo - 04-18-2024
Mankind has always been a species of violence. We wage war with our fellow man, sometimes out of necessity, oftentimes out of greed. We hunt for sport. We make a game where we actively CHEER for athletes to get laid out, what kind of sicko would even enjoy something like that? Well, regardless, there’s some appeal in violence, so why not exploit it for money here as well?
In this article, I will take a look at each individual franchise in the SMJHL, and will answer the question that I’m sure is on everyone’s mind: Can I beat these team’s namesakes in a fight? I have participated in amateur boxing for roughly 5 years in the past, played high school football for 3 years, and also dabbled in in the art of capoeira in high school, so I feel that it is fair to say that I’m at least SOMEWHAT above average in fighting capability compared to your average mid-20’s year old male. The rules for this exercise are simple. The hypothetical fight would be a 1 on 1 match with the namesake of that respective team (If I were fighting the Florida Panthers, then it would be me against one panther). I am only allowed to use my bare hands, no weapons and no special equipment. Lastly, the hypothetical fight will be on neutral territory UNLESS said team name can’t live on land, in which case I will fight on their home turf. With that all said, let’s begin!
Anchorage Armada
An armada is defined as a fleet of warships, and well, that poses a bit of a problem. See, I am one guy who can punch REALLY hard, but that doesn’t exactly mean much when my opponent is a giant boat. A boat that’s made of metal. A FLEET of boats made of metal. A fleet of boats made of metal WITH GIANT CANNONS. I’m not just losing this fight, I am passing onto the afterlife within the first 5 seconds. Easy Loss.
Carolina Kraken
The Kraken is a mythological sea monster that resembles a squid and is said to be capable of sending ships down to Davy Jones’s Locker with it’s tentacles. On paper, this is very clearly an easy loss for me, but there’s just one issue that saves me. The Kraken is solely mythological, and therefore does not exist. I can’t lose to something that doesn’t exist, but with that said, I can’t win against something that doesn’t exist either, so…..call it a draw? Yeah, we’ll go with that.
Colorado Raptors
So Colorado is a difficult case. Raptors by definition are essentially any bird of prey, but the raptor in the Colorado logo is clearly a Velociraptor, so I’ll use common logic and assume I’m fighting a velociraptor here. I have a size difference over a velociraptor, but they also have razor sharp claws and teeth that can rip me to shreds if they get their hands on me, so the question is whether I can land a clean punch on it before it lands its fangs or claw on me. They’re speedy little buggers, so I’m going to say no, it’s an easy loss for me.
Detroit Falcons
For the sake of simplicity, I will go ahead and assume that the falcon in particular is a Peregrine Falcon. Peregrines can reach up to 240 miles per hour and are the fastest recorded species in the world, and also have sharp claws and fangs to boot. However, it also only weighs roughly 2 lbs, so if I’m somehow able to hit it hard enough with either a well timed punch or by flailing wildly, I should be able to injure its wings and finish the job. I’m going to chalk this up as a Difficult Win, because I will be bleeding profusely even if I do win.
Great Falls Grizzlies
HAHAHAHAHA. No. Just no. Easy Loss. It doesn’t matter how hard I punch or kick, I’m not beating a 400-1000 lb tank that has what are essentially knives on all of its ligaments.
Kelowna Knights
So for this hypothetical, one can assume that the knight in question is wearing a suit of iron or steel (as per custom for English medieval knights) and is also equipped with some form of weapon, let’s go with a sword for simplicity's sake. I highly doubt my punches and kicks can damage a suit of armor, assuming I haven’t already been sliced and diced by the time I land a punch. Easy Loss.
Maine Timber
Timber is defined as wood prepared for use in building and carpentry. Wood can’t put up any kind of fight whatsoever considering it has no sentience whatsoever, but I’m also essentially punching and kicking a piece of wood. I’ll chalk it up as my first Easy Win of the article, but it’ll be time consuming trying to split wood with my body.
Nevada Battleborn
So uh. Turns out that a Battleborn isn’t an actual thing that exists. Nevada is nicknamed the Battle Born State because it achieved statehood during the American Civil War. Considering a battleborn is an adjective and not any kind of noun, I’m going to chalk this up as a draw. Can’t fight what doesn’t exist.
Newfoundland Berserkers
So a berserker is a Norse warrior wearing bear pelts who was said to fight in a trance-like fury, which is actually the namesake of the word “berserk”. Yay for etymology, but not a yay for my health. Even though they’re essentially bare chested furries, they’re also seasoned warriors who most likely have weapons. Easy loss..
Ottawa Highlanders
So a highlander is someone who’s from the Scottish Highlands according to a quick google search, but I presume the name is actually a reference to the Cameron Highlanders of Ottawa, a reserve infantry regiment in the Canadian Army. I’d like to think I can at least put up a fight against a single soldier, but soldiers have guns. And guns hurt. A lot. Easy loss.
Quebec City Citadelles
So the Citadelles are actually the name of a former AHL team, but for the sake of this argument, I’m going to use the namesake of THAT hockey team, which is the Quebec Citadelle, a military base in Quebec City. A base by itself can’t fight, but also I can’t realistically beat a military base with my hands. Call it a draw.
Regina Elk
Assuming I’m facing an adult male elk, I’m facing a 700 lb horned beast. I’m not beating that, easy loss. San Diego Tidal
So I’m assuming I’d be facing a tidal wave, but this team is called the TIDAL, not the TSUNAMIS, and there’s a very large difference between the two. A tidal wave is simply the tides that rise and recede against banks of land. At the very worst, all it’ll do is knock me off of my feet, but considering it’s made out of water, I can’t physically fight it. It’s another draw.
St. Louis Scarecrows
A scarecrow is essentially an oversized doll made of straw, I can literally rip them apart with my bare hands in ten seconds. Easiest win possible.
Vancouver Whalers
A whaler is a person who hunts whales, and whale hunters use harpoons. This is another case where I could probably beat the person if it wasn’t for their weapon, so put it down as an easy loss.
Yukon Malamutes
I mean, it’s a dog. I might get scratched and clawed a bit, but I feel comfortable in my ability to beat a 100 lb dog in a 1 on 1. The bigger question is “WHY WOULD I WANT TO KICK A DOG???”. Google these fluffy little babies! If you look at this dog and say “I want to fight this dog”, you are not seeing the pearly gates of Heaven. Shame on you.
(1807 Words, using my 2x first media post here.)
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - Shiamus - 04-18-2024
Trevor out here kicking dogs
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - Tripl3tsGamer - 04-18-2024
Yea. I mean, he didn't see my Chaos Powers in action.
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - tredpalo - 04-18-2024
04-18-2024, 10:24 PMShiamus Wrote: Trevor out here kicking dogsThis is libel and I demand a trade.
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - tredpalo - 04-18-2024
04-18-2024, 10:36 PMTripl3tsGamer Wrote: Yea. I mean, he didn't see my Chaos Powers in action.I've played every single Sonic game, I know I ain't beating you one on one
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - Duff101 - 04-19-2024
A velociraptor is like a better armed medium size dog so I feel like you’re not giving yourself quite enough credit. It doesn’t even get to waist high on a 5foot11 person so its far more puntable than depicted in movies
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - kahri - 04-19-2024
yeah but Trevor. Can you beat me in a fight?
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - Seany148 - 04-19-2024
Easy solution: punch harder
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - tredpalo - 04-19-2024
04-19-2024, 05:20 AMkahri Wrote: yeah but Trevor. Can you beat me in a fight?My daddy raised me to never raise my hand against a woman, so nope, easy loss for me. I may not be perfect but I AM a gentleman.
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - tredpalo - 04-19-2024
04-19-2024, 01:56 AMDuff101 Wrote: A velociraptor is like a better armed medium size dog so I feel like you’re not giving yourself quite enough credit. It doesn’t even get to waist high on a 5foot11 person so its far more puntable than depicted in moviesIt's a medium sized dog that basicially has knives on its hands and teeth, I don't love my odds haha
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - tredpalo - 04-19-2024
04-19-2024, 01:56 AMDuff101 Wrote: A velociraptor is like a better armed medium size dog so I feel like you’re not giving yourself quite enough credit. It doesn’t even get to waist high on a 5foot11 person so its far more puntable than depicted in moviesIt's a medium sized dog that basicially has knives on its hands and teeth, I don't love my odds haha
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - tredpalo - 04-19-2024
04-19-2024, 01:56 AMDuff101 Wrote: A velociraptor is like a better armed medium size dog so I feel like you’re not giving yourself quite enough credit. It doesn’t even get to waist high on a 5foot11 person so its far more puntable than depicted in moviesIt's a medium sized dog that basicially has knives on its hands and teeth, I don't love my odds haha
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - tredpalo - 04-19-2024
.........I have no idea why that reply went through 3 times.
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - sköldpaddor - 04-19-2024
I switched to light mode to read this and we don’t even get to fight smh
RE: Which SMJHL Teams Can I Beat In A Fight? - Seany148 - 04-19-2024
04-19-2024, 12:24 PMsköldpaddor Wrote: I switched to light mode to read this and we don’t even get to fight smhill fite you on behalf of trevor
winner gets a poutine but if i win you fix my shower