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Muerto · 01-20-2020, 07:25 AM

*** READY FOR GRADING (1100 words) ***

New Winnipeg GM Press Conference

This past offseason, the SHL Winnipeg Jets received surprising news that they would need a new General Manager as Stadium Gambler tendered his resignation due to personal reasons - there apparently is no truth to the rumors that he was actually forced out because of being drinking buddies with ex-Dallas Stars coach Jim Montgomery. Nor had he ever dressed up in blackface with former Calgary Flames coach Bill Peters, nor was he involved with rookie hazing with ex Tp\oronto Maple Leafs coach Mike Babcock. It was just reasons, ok? Enough prying!

Nonetheless, after an extensive search, the league announced that former Manhattan Rage GM Muerto would take the helm. He hit the ground running as he needed to prepare for a draft and free agency in the first week on the job. He has been pretty quiet in the media until this afternoon, when he had his first open press conference in Winnipeg. We present to you now the unabridged transcript of said conference:

Interview

Congratulations on becoming the new Jets GM.

:muerto: "No GM! No GM! You're the GM!!"

Interview

HUh what? Ummm, what are your thoughts on taking over the helm and your first few days on the job?

:muerto: “Look, having hockey — my uncle was a great player and skater and shooter, Riko Muerto at Iceland; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Kelowna Knights, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a two-way forward, if I were a sniper, if, like, OK, if I played as a scorer, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world — it’s true! — but when you’re a two-way forward they try — oh, do they do a number — that’s why I always start off: Went to Kelowna, was a good player, went there, went there, did this, won a Cup — you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged — but you look at the Blizzard deal, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are — hockey is so powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right, who would have thought? — but when you look at what’s going on with the four players — now it used to be three, now it’s four — but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the backcheck; forwards, and it is forwards because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the goalies are smarter right now than the wingers, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years — but the Steelhawks are great negotiators, the Rage are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us, this is horrible.”

Interview

Can you tell us about the Draft and the players you brought into the organization?

:muerto: When do we beat New Orleans at the rink? They’re laughing at us, at our stupidity. And now they are beating us in the standings. They are not our friend, believe me. But they’re killing us in the standings.

The Winnipeg Jets has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems.

Thank you. It’s true, and these are the best and the finest. When the SMJHL sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.

But I speak to zamboni drivers and they tell us what we’re getting. And it only makes common sense. It only makes common sense. They’re sending us not the right people.

It’s coming from more than Vancouver. It’s coming from all over Detroit and St. Louis, and it’s coming probably— probably— from Carolina. But we don’t know. Because we have no protection and we have no competence, we don’t know what’s happening. And it’s got to stop and it’s got to stop fast!

Interview

What sort of expectations do you have for the team this season?

:muerto: I have broken more Leafs4Ever records, he seems to have a lot of records. And I, by the way, I don’t have a stick. I don’t have a skate or a puck. No puck. Leafs4Ever has a puck. And lots of other people helping. No we’ve broken a lot of records. We’ve broken virtually EVERY record. Because you know, look, I only need this space. They need much more room. For basketball, for hockey, and all of the sports. We don’t need it. We have people in that space. So we break all of these records. Really, we do it without like, the hockey equipment. This is the only equipment: the mouth. And hopefully the brain attached to the mouth, right? The brain, more important than the mouth is the brain. The brain is much more important.

Interview

As you look to the future, what direction do you intend to take the team? Rebuild? Cup contenders?

:muerto: “I never understood rebuilding. You know, I know rebuilds very much. But they’re manufactured tremendous — if you’re into this — tremendous draft picks. Prospects are spewing into the atmosphere. You know we have a team, right? So the team is tiny compared to the league. So tremendous, tremendous amount of prospects and everything. You talk about the draft — prospects are spewing into the air. Right? Spewing. Whether it’s in Halifax, Anchorage, it’s going into the air. It’s our air, their air, everything — right?”

Interview

Can you tell us anything about plans to extend some of your star players beyond this season?

:muerto: Budget Director, if you're listening, I hope you're able to find the 30,000 SHL dollars that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our updaters.

Interview

Do you even have a clue what you are doing?

:muerto: Who knew GMing could be so complicated?

With that, Muerto seemed to forget what he was doing and wandered aimlessly away. So, good luck, Winnipeg. I'm sure you'll be great again!

***Gaia Mormont*** · 01-20-2020, 07:38 AM

ErM · 01-20-2020, 05:07 PM

I am very confident in Goku Muerto's abilities as a leader. He'll probably win a championship in with Winnipeg, maybe definitely.

Despite the media covfefe I know for a fact nobody has more respect for intelligence than Goku Muerto. He needs loyalty and he expects loyalty but he has tremendous respect for women and he is the least racist person the league has ever hired.

I think he'll do more than perhaps any GM in the first 100 days and I am sure he would give this hiring an A+.

caltroit_red_flames · 01-20-2020, 06:21 PM

lmao Kez you're a babe

***Ace*** · 01-20-2020, 06:53 PM

Love ya Kez

FinnRhys · 01-20-2020, 07:01 PM

This is amazing!

FINN RHYS

[Image: hockey__27674.1518661372.1000.1200.jpg?c=2]

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