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suavemente · 01-02-2021, 03:37 PM

Enter the Dojo: Operation K.A.R.A.T.E

Kalashnikov Augmented Rapid-Action Training Exercises
Upon the final buzzer of game 6 against the Newfoundland Berserkers. Valentin Kalashnikov’s heart sank, his final chance at the 4-star cup was over and he had not achieved glory. Another failure, another blow on the chin, but Kalashnikov was used to the hurt. He sighed, addressed the team who had helped bring him so close to the goal, thanked them for all they had done and how hard they all worked together. Setting his eyes forward even while showering after that game Kalashnikov’s mind was on the horizon, the future of the big-leagues, finally playing in the SHL.
After initially being drafted to the Tampa Bay Barracuda, Kalashnikov found a new permanent home on the Baltimore Platoon. The team has grown steadily since Kalashnikov joined and more strong faces come through the door daily. Building a strong core relationship with the squad is an essential cog in the Kalashnikov playbook. It is an essential part of forming a strong team bond that allows a team to really accomplish amazing things in this cut-throat league.
Focusing on getting to Baltimore and how he will make a large impact in the coming season. Kalashnikov reached out to new team management member, Axel Dark Co-GM of the Baltimore Platoon. Valentin offered a special 2 week training period where he would take members of Platoon and put them through a crash course in a specific martial art-form that would most benefit the player. Management was ecstatic with the offer as they themselves had just planned on signing league badass and bruiser Adam Friedland. Clearly both parties expect Baltimore to get violent next season, so better build those calluses and strengthen those shins. We’re going to war!

Luca Del Vecchio - The Japanese art of Sumo Wrestling.
When one thinks of a great goalie, it is one with agility and strength to command the space they need to make the last-second save. Game saving skills demand focus and split second decision making. The veteran goalie of the Baltimore Platoon was less than pleased when Valentin Kalashnikov barged into his house demanding an audience. Luca was dressed in a bath-robe, which was fitting as the Russian demanded that they have a Sumo match in the middle of Luca’s house. Demanding that Valentin leave his house, Luca chose to shove him toward the door, when he pushed upon Valentin’s shoulder, he was quickly knocked up and back by two quick hand movements by Valentin, stumbling and catching his feet Luca was not pleased by the blatant challenge in his own home. Realizing that squaring up would result in faster solution than reasoning with the brute, Del Vecchio assumed a horse stance similar to his normal Goalie butterfly position but with knees up instead of on the ground. Kalashnikov charged the set Italian stone and was quickly repelled with a flurry of slaps and leg checks. Stumbling backwards Kalashnikov fell over his heels and was quickly followed by a slammed door as he caught himself on the porch of Luca’s house. Satisfied with the goalie’s performance Valentin decided to move on to the next player. Clearly there was nothing he could teach about the art of Sumo to Luca Del Vecchio, who had a mastery on positional dominance and would do well in the circular ring.

Ethan Duncan - BAP Man, Wing Chun comes to Baltimore.
Not knowing much about the mystical and storied art of Wing Chun Valetnin sought to find another student to join him on this journey into martial arts. Season 53 Classmate Ethan Duncan had always put up with Kalashnikov’s antics and seemed to enjoy the bull-in-a-china shop vibe that came with any adventure the two tagged along on. Duncan himself was not very familiar with Wing Chun but knew that Donnie Yen made some pretty good movies. Bruce Lee had popularized the form within American culture this much was known to Valentin, but Donnie Yen fleshed out the backstory of Wing Chun and its importance to modern martial-arts and martial-arts media. The two Baltimore players decided that best way to conduct their martial-arts research was to get high as fuck and watch all the Donnie Yen movies they could find. It was a great training workshop, a fantastic use of Baltimore Platoon resources and will be grown to include the whole team for the next season. Tons of Doritos and Mountain Dew were consumed but in the end both players felt that they had a better understanding of the underlying philosophy of Wing Chun and eastern martial arts in general. Confident in their genius theories they took the investigation online only to see that all of their philosophizing had come up with nothing of value. Oh well, at least it was a day off and what more can you ask for.

Young Logo - Beer Battered Brawler.
Upon crashing into Young Logo’s already trashed hotel room he found the young rookie in a wash of naked bodies and drugs. Grabbing him and pulling him out of the mass Kalashnikov shoved Logo into the bathroom to “get himself cleaned and ready for war”. Knowing not to question that which should not be questioned, the future stud player readied himself for whatever awaited him. Outside Kalashnikov addressed the youngin’ asking “So you like to party eh?” Logo replied “Yeah, of course who doesn’t like to party?” With a roll of the eyes Kalashnikov sternly addressed Logo, “I don’t need the team losing you to any possible ‘injuries’ from said partying - today were gonna learn how to brawl”. Getting into a car the two actually took a little bit of road-trip out of Baltimore into the city of Brawlerly Love, Philadelphia. Once in the city proper, a quick recon drive found the Platoon players outside a biker bar in a more run-down section of the city. “Well time to party” Kalashnikov stated in a matter of fact attitude while dawning some brass knuckles. “You brought anything to defend yourself?” Logo just stared blankly as he slowly realized the suicide mission he was a part of. “No problem, just grab a chair when we get in.” Leaving the car the two straightened themselves before entering the bar like gladiators entering the colosseum. 4 hours later the duo of BAP players left the bar drunk and laughing heartily alongside some bikers, all of them bearing some marks of battle from split lips to black eyes. A good fight can always bring people together, a lesson that Logo will carry back with him to the minors but will also be sure to retain when he makes the step up to the big leagues. Keeping his dukes up and his head on a swivel whenever he parties will make sure that Logo can spend more quality time on the ice and off the stretcher.

Gottlieb-Odilo-Dankward McZehrl - Squared Circle Smackdown
The veteran’s presence on the rebuilding Baltimore Platoon squad was a welcome surprise. Not knowing exactly how to come across as a trainer without being rude to a player with much more experience and knowledge on and off the ice. Kalashnikov defaulted to letting GOD pick the course of action for the training session. GOD ended up suggesting going to a local pro-wrestling gym. Kalashnikov was on board and excited, thinking that this would be akin to a classic Greco-Roman experience. Upon arriving the latex boots, spandex outfits, and interesting personalities keyed the Russian defenceman on what GOD meant when he said pro-wrestling. “Trust me, this will teach you much about how to survive combat” GOD said reassuringly to the now doubtful Valentin. The initially began with cardio warmups, normal for almost any physical activity or sport. Then moved on to some gymnastics, cartwheels, handsprings, backflips, frontflips. These large refrigerator-like men were more nimble and had better balance than many of the players in the SHL. Impressed with this clear physical prowess being exhibited, Kalashnikov began to pay extremely close attention to all the lessons. GOD was also very engaged with all the training and was particularly excited about Kalashnikov noticing the value of his selection. Moving into the actual ring or stage as some of the wrestlers liked to call it, there was a lot of practice of rolling through falls, and how to avoid hurting yourself while in an intense collision, all of these skills would be immediately applicable to the SHL and so Kalashnikov took in as much as he could. Lastly a special trick that may be hard to pull off on the ice but could drastically turn the tide of a game. Wrestlers when really selling a hard hit or injury know that nothing gets the crowd going like a little blood. Blood capsules don’t do the trick either, it has to look real, it has BE real. A common technique was to hide a small razor and simply nick the eyebrow, a good way to get the intense effect of blood on the face. Notably in hockey blood being present can drastically change the way a penalty is called. Perhaps a little “encouragement” from a razor can help Kalashnikov sell some more penalties in the future.

Lord Raiden - A General amongst men.
To learn the art of combat, one must also learn the art of War. Knowing this and seeing a future commander on the team in Lord Raiden, Kalashnikov reached out with a formal missive delivered by raven to the young rookie. The two Baltimore players would recreate a battle from the 100 years war. With Kalashnikov playing the part of the French Duke whereas Lord Raiden would be playing the part of the English King Henry V. They were to meet outside Baltimore proper on some fields to which Kalashnikov kindly provided the GPS coordinates to in the same missive. The only other instruction to Lord Raiden was to bring a suit of armor. Not knowing where to find one, the future Platoon member contacted the team equipment manager who actually had three suits of armor leftover from when the Kelowna knights had to play in the Baltimore bubble during the SMJHL playoffs. Fully suited and uncertain of what laid ahead Lord Raiden drove out in his hatchback with the suit of armor in the back out of Baltimore and into the countryside. After driving for about 2 hours the rookie pulled up alongside some farmland only to see thousands of horses and men waiting in two neat lines on opposite sides of a valley. “COME NOW RAIDEN! GLORY AWAITS!” Shouted Kalashnikov from atop a horse in full plate armor. The British come upon a massive French army. Raiden is approached by some actors in armor and is advised to turn around and retreat as the odds are against them - but the paid actor playing the part of the advisor informs Raiden they can win, because rain is expected, and the French will have to come downhill, causing them and their horses to slip in the mud with their armor dragging them down. He suggests leading the first wave out, which Lord Raiden doesn't want him to do, but the actor says because it is his glory on the line he must lead the troops out.
Lord Raiden being a man of honor and starting to get concerned about the realism, rides out to meet one more time with Kalashnikov, and asks him to fight him one on one to spare the lives of their men or actors, also noticing that the weapons provided seem to be real and sharp. Valentin Kalashnikov wants an unequivocal surrender from Raiden, which is not a possibility for the young rookie as he does not want to seem weak - and so the battle begins. When it's time for the first wave, Lord Raiden gives a rousing speech and leads them into battle. Once much carnage has taken place, Kalashnikov rides in upon a black horse in beautiful armor but the sodden terrain is eroded from the battle, and so the horse slips and launches Kalashnikov into the mud. Standing and dusting himself off he accepts the battle-worn rookie's challenge. When he attempts to fight him, his armor weighs him down into the mud, and Raiden signals to his men to take him, which they do, swarming him. After winning, Raiden takes his armor off and wonders just what the hell he got himself into with this team. Two days later another missive from another raven arrives in Raiden’s penthouse congratulating him on courage and leadership the likes of which Baltimore will be lucky to have in the future.

Teddy Park - Painting in the Park
Kalashnikov signed him and Teddy Park on a paintballing excursion, although with a few extra thousand he was able to add some bonus features to the paintballing experience. As they head out into the unknown, the blindfolds Kalashnikov made Teddy wear come off to reveal they are in a dense forest. Each player is equipped with supplies to last the weekend, a powerful paintball gun, ammunition, maps and instructions. They have to complete an adventure trail that takes in ravines, caves and obstacle-ridden trekking paths. The group is split into two teams. The winners will be the team that wipes out their opponents and completes the circuit. Kalashnikov figured, who isn’t up for a little adventure? The Platoon players understand, they got it. Deep in the woods, Park’s group is ambushed. Invisible snipers pin them down in a hail of paint then one of their number collapses, writhing in agony. Confusion reigns amongst the team, but Teddy knows they need to focus on who is shooting at them In the silence, they stare round at each other, and into the forest, looking for a traitor or some kind of explanation. The rules of the game have changed. The only law is the law of the jungle, and nobody trusts anybody else. Hidden among the trees, camouflaged by leaves and branches, there are deadly traps and russian paintballers. Hunted down like prey in a lethal game, the teams face a desperate struggle for survival. Eventually Park's team is able to break through the dense foliage and make it to a clearing where they ambush the snipers and win the paintball match. All of this felt a lot more real than an average paintball match and Teddy was thankful that it was just paint being shot at him.

Karl Krashwagen - Krashing through the snow
Valentin Kalashnikov forcibly removes his Baltimore teammate Karl Krashwagen from a therapy session late one Thursday night. Kalashnikov has a plan, car, and map to NYC. Krashwagen not asking any questions gets into the car and starts to hear the plan as the russian spells it out to him. They are gonna rob a New York City bank for $65,000. Why? “Because is good cardio that's why, stop asking questions” In the getaway car after the job that goes seamless because it was all paid for ahead of time by the Baltimore Platoon PR team when they intercepted Kalashnikov’s texts. In the getaway car a dye pack explodes in a money bag, causing the driver, Krashwagen to crash. The Platoon players flee on foot, washing the dye from their clothes in a restaurant restroom. Stopped by police, Krashwagen panics and runs; Karl is arrested while Valentin escapes. Valentin attempts to secure a bail bond, but needs $10,000 more to get Karl out of jail. He convinces his girlfriend, JR95 the GM to pay with the Baltimore Platoon
Salary budget, but SHLHO cancels the cards. Valentin then learns on a phone-call with the prison that Karl has been hospitalized after a fight with an inmate. Valentin rushes to the hospital to break him out, unconscious and bandaged. Safe after the wild goose chase that was a half-day with the psycho Russian, Krashwagen passes out on his bed high on all sorts of medical-grade painkillers. In a daze he reaches out to his phone and texts his therapist to book an appointment first thing tomorrow morning.

Sorry for anyone from BAP i missed, ran out of writing juice. I'll be back next double media. Wink