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Ox Monkey · 03-10-2022, 03:16 PM

Hello to all you homers and hand grenades!

I write to you this fine day from the outskirts of San Diego with an exceptionally stiff margarita in one hand, so please excuse my typyos and formatting errors. I have known JoJo Larkin since he was the same stature of a fully matured Nathan Gerbe. We all knew he was destined to be 1 of 2 things on this earth; professional ice hockey player or studio banjo musician. The intersection of the two interests makes for a great read, so sit back, lock your cat in the bedroom and enjoy.

Jojo was born to an exceptionally well-off family in the “mean” streets of San Clemente California, where Mothers are constantly losing their prescription medication, and Fathers fistfight for the next available Tesla charging station.
His Mother Susan came from the other side of the county and married into the money on her husband, Ricky’s side. Ricky was one of eight children, born to an eccentric billionaire who made all of his money in a ponzi style venture pushing tanning supplies. As soon as the offspring came of age, they split across the country, living as far away from one another as humanly possible. The Larkins all shared one common theme, hockey; and you could find well regarded talent with the last name all over the U.S.! Ricky resented this greatly, because he was well known in his family for never learning how to skate, and he wanted to be as far away from hockey as possible, so he picked the least likely spot to ever see the sport again.

Ricky met Susan shortly after moving to southern California when he went to his favorite pizza joint for an “avocado special”, and saw a woman playing the banjo out front for tips. He knew right then, baby I have to make. When Susan saw this tall unknown figure drop $20 in her tattered fedora laying on the concrete upside down, she knew right then; baby I have to make. The two settled down quickly and started their family on the coast in one of Southern California’s highest plastic surgery per capita towns; and promised one another that no matter what, none of their children would ever play hockey.

And so it went, for years and years; they had four children, three boys and one girl, who all excelled at wildly different hobbies. From paragliding and marble racing, to parkour and banjoing; these kids did EVERYTHING, except hockey. JoJo in particular showed promise at the Banjo, and by the age of 7 was a gig professional, touring with top bluegrass bands. He was making friends all over the country from very eccentric backgrounds; a few of which recognized his last name and wondered of any relation to the ice hockey famous Larkin family. Having been denied any kind of access to his father’s genealogy during his childhood, he had no idea his cousins were sprawled across the country playing at the highest levels in the hockey community. That is until a drummer from a band out of France asked him if he was indeed related to this group of hockey loving Larkins.

For most of his adolescence, JoJo consumed any media he could find showcasing his cousins and their hockey careers. He followed all the Larkins as they made their way through prestigious bantam tournaments, into USHL and College. By the time JoJo had reached the age of 16, he was filling full stadiums with his world-famous bluegrass band The Mighty Tinglers. He was set up in a mighty position, he was making more money than most professional athletes, selling out stadiums all over the world; he was set to inherit a literal fortune upon the passing of his father, and he was doing something he truly loved.

He was checking in on the progress of one of his cousins over at /r/DetroitRedWings when a post caught his eye, “Join the Simulation Hockey League!”. The post had been submitted by someone named achisling, welcoming newcomers to join their league for their 59th season. Simulation hockey surely wouldn’t violate any of the extremely specific charter rules governing the will of his father, right? JoJo immersed himself in all things SHL, which turns out to have a developmental major junior league, and before long found himself missing important band meetings and rehearsals. He had become so immersed in this online simulation of himself, he was in fact promoting it to people he knew as if he were actually about to be drafted into an actual major junior league.

Word of his JoJos new hobby had made it back to Ricky Larkin, who was on the 3 successive planes to the smallest town you’ve never heard of in South Dakota called Parmelee. JoJo had been hold up in this small census designated town of the rosebud Indians, hiding from his fame and father. Once Ricky arrived, there was a bit of a donnybrook as each man struggled to assert some sort of dominance over the other. At the end of the day JoJo won out, and sent his dad packing back to San Clemente, knowing he would never receive a nickel from the grandfathers billions, and most likely never touch his banjo again.

That was just fine in JoJos eyes, as he was quickly coming up on the SMJHL entry draft, and he needed to vet potential teams for which he wanted to play for. There were 14 teams in the league who could potentially draft him, and he had no idea how to choose which would suit his career best. Luckily, each team had a history section that allowed him to peek in on legacy, relevance, ineptitude, and more. He would combine myriad of different pros and cons to decide which team was right for him.

SEE ATTACHED PROS AND CONS - **Author Disclaimer – This piece is meant to be satire, and in no way should reflect personally on person or persons mentioned below

JoJo's DMs are wide open, so slide in and let him know how your club can accelerate and progress his career!

-Ox, 1,580 words (with pros and cons list)

Attached Files
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