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Troy_McClure03 · 12-19-2018, 02:03 AM

(Double media for draft! 1152 words of jibberish!!)

This Jr. Draft will be the largest draft in the history of drafts. No other draft compares in size, shape, color, and smell. With that being said, we must rank our goalies. I picked goalies because there are only 10 of them right now. This is my scientificly proven* method for picking out the best. The results are at the bottom if you want a TL:DR (recommended).

[i]SMJHL COMBINE -LOCATION UNKNOWN -

"Hello netkeepers. My name is Azuzu. Welcome to hell!!" A crqck3of thunder is heard. All 10 goalies are naked, blindfolded and sitting in a circle. "You may remove your blindfold!" Each player slowly removes the eye cover. They are sitting in a dark room with a light overhead. Otherside the lights diameter can be heard shuffling and movements, but nothing is visable. After an uncomfortable amount of time, Azuzus voice returns. "NOW ALL OF YOU PAIR UP, HOLD YOUR PARTNERS HAND!" Each player pairs off. Azuzu sounds pleased with how fast they managed to complete this task. Suddenly the sound of florescent lights floods the arena, followed by a blinding light. After a few seconds, the players notice 5 tables, with a divider in the middle. Some start to move to the tables. Azuzu offers no directions. He waits to see who will take the hint. All pairs but the pairing of Mike McKorsy and Jakub Hasek have gone to the tables. They can be heard bickering; Mike wanting to go to the last table, Jakub refusing to move. Finally Azuzu has had enough of these games. "*sigh* please go to the last tables. Thanks." The two scurry along to the table. "FIRST WE TEST THE MOST IMPORTANT STAT FOR A GOALIE!" a snap is heard and 5 robed figures pop out from the only door. They walk over to the tables, each holding two blue cases. They appear to be hidged on one side. Another snap is heard, and the blue cases are placed in front of the goalies. The robed figures wall away, and exit. The doors lock can be heard as it snaps into place. Then another lock is heard. And another. Then another. The sound of metal sliding on concrete is heard and the door lets out a thud as something heavy is pushed against it from the other side. It seems excessive. Anyway, Azuzu starts to speak, " In front of you is the classic game, Battleship. We aren't goi-" Azuzu is interrupted by the sound of the door being unlocked. First something is pulled out from in front. Then the locks snap open, one at a time. The door shakes but refuses to open. It continues to shake until finally the sound of another lock is heard. The door swings open and robed figure enters the arena. He has 5 bags of pegs. They forgot to put the pegs in the games. Azuzu starts to lose it over the sound system " What the fuck is this? Who was suppose to prepare for this task? Was it Mike? This is his last strike! Who was it?!" The situation was uncomfortable to start, but now it is unbearable. Corin Romkey starts to pee a little under the table as he gets his pegs for the game. The robed individual runs back to the door, and the locks start to go, in a much faster pace. The sliding steel is heard again, followed by a thud and a loud grunt. "W...Was that guy just crushed?" Asked Low Temp. Azuzu ignores the question and continues. His voice booms. "AS I WAS SAYING, WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO PLAY TRADIONALLY, SO YOU ARE GOING TO PLACE ALL 5 BOATS ON THE GAMEBOARD AND EACH PUT 20 SHOTS ON THE TOP BOARD. ONCE FINISHED LAY DOWN FACE FIRST ON THE GROUND" Eager to take a nap, Chad Mellenby hurries and gets all the pieces in. He lays down almost 40 seconds after they start. Others follow Chad, using a random pattern and hoping. Some take there time and finish up. The last to finish is Aleksi O'Koivu-Volkova. Aleksi places each boat, then thinks, and moves it. He ends up going with the "Floating island" method, where all the boats sit together. He does the bottom left corner of the board. He takes almost all 20 shots in the top left. The door opens as Aleksi lays down. There are only 4 robed individuals this time. One is limping heavily but moving well. They work 2 at a time, writing down numbers and marking a scoresheet. Finally they get to the last table. They all freeze at Aleskis game board. One can be heard saying "Woah." They write the score down and leave. The Goalies all look at the floor to see the robed figures tracked blood." I guess one guy did get crushed," says Low Temp. This time once the robed figures get by the door, the steel grinding is heard and something large blocks the opening. Clothing falls from the rafters. All the goalies start to get dressed. Azuzu speaks. "THE RESULTS ARE IN. YOU'RE RANKINGS ARE LISTED ON THE SCREEN. " They all look around, but no screen appears. After about 30 seconds, Azuzu speaks again. " I SAID THEY ARE ON THE SCREEN!" still nothing happens. After another minute, Azuzu speaks again. " SO I KILLED THE GUY WHO KNEW HOW TO USE THE SCREEN, BUT YOUR RESULTS ARE AS FOLLOWS" Azuzu is silent. A single sheet of paper falls from the rafters. It flips and follies and it falls towards the goalies. It slips right by Jakub Hasek, and falls into a drain. "WHAT A SAVE" Says Mike Hunt. Azuzu Screams " ARE YOU SERIOUS!? THAT'S IT. " there is nothing for 5 minutes. No noise. No one moves. Everyone sits still. Finally a bunch of sheets of paper fall from the rafters. As does a copy machine. The machine slams into the ground, throwing ink and shards of plastic skyward. Peter Larson catches a sharp fragment in his left eye. Mike Hunt giggles to himself as Patrice Nadeau vomits. "THERE ARE YOUR RESULTS, GOOD DAY!" Booms Azuzu. "Guys I think that went really well. Think they were scared? " soft mutters of praise can be heard on the hot mic. Then Azuzu is heard entering a room. " Man I hate working here. " A phone is dialed. " Hey, it's me, Cash. Can I please stop doing this. And play hockey again? What? No they are scared, yeah I might have made one quit." A knocking is heard. "Hold on. WHAT!? DO YOU WANT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY MICROPHONE IS STILL. " the sound cuts. The goalies all look at the paper. It reads:

Aleksi O'Koivu-Volkova 100
Low Temp 48
Mike Hunt 45
Yuri Ushakov 44
Corin Romkey 44
Mike McKorsy 44
Patrice Nadeau 43
Jakub Hasek 42
Peter Larson 34
Chad Mellenby 1

So that's the ranking. Good day.

JackHrīm · 12-19-2018, 02:37 AM

What a save lmao how ya doing there yuri?

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