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GeckoeyGecko · 02-11-2020, 09:08 PM

Is Simon Takshak the Face of the New SHL?

by G. E. Gecko, 2020/02/11

Could the next dominant SHL player look like this?

Thats right. Simon 'T' Takshak, son of Tokek Takshak, will soon be entering a draft near you - and according to him and his dad, he has all the tools needed to absolutely dominate. Tokek definitely thinks so, and is all too happy to pump his sons tires a bit. "I've taught him everything I know about defense", said the dman, now of the San Francisco Pride. "He plays like me, very good on defense, but also like me, does not like to hit so much", continued Tokek, always known more for his offense than his defense, or lack thereof.

Simon himself had some words as well. "I like to think of myself as a very skilled player, not so much a hitter", he said at a Jakarta press conference (I say conference but is it really a conference when there are two people there?). "My game is all skill, thats why my combine results arent always the greatest". Simon, who stands at four feet tall, and weighs three hundred pounds, has broken several records at the combine. Mostly for weight, to be fair.

I found it interesting that Simon and Tokek both talked up the skill part of such a... hefty, tiny player. Looking at some game footage, I did however find it to be true. Simon is an extraordinarily skilled player. Skilled at barreling across the fucking ice like a human cannonball and crunching the other players bones. On the grainy Jakartan game feed, he almost looks like the puck sometimes. Just bigger, faster, and the other players run from him.

Curious to see how they felt about the young chonker, I reached out to some of the coaches and other players in the Indonesian Junior league, where Simon's team, the Jakarta Dragons (sponsored by the SHLs Calgary Dragons), are feasting on the competition. They weren't all too fond of the younger Takshak. "My guys would touch the puck and look up the ice to see a three hundred pound midget barreling towards their knees", said one coach who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "It was terrible, I hated it, my players hated it, nobody wanted the puck, and i think Tim is seeing a therapist about it." Tim refused to comment. Tokek's teammates were less silent on the matter. "Of course I know about his son, he shows us so much footage. I thought his son was the mascot for a second the first time, to be honest", said an anonymous teammate. An ex-teammate in Manhattan that we will not name said that he hoped Simon was "more motivated than his father". David Vent is noted for trying to drag Tokek's +/- up to a reasonable standard.

While he was born in Jakarta, like his father, it is believed that Simon will play for the Czech national team, like his father again. "Haha CHONK" said @Blastmeaway, upon hearing the news.

Other facts about the Geckin' ball:
his favourite game series is monkeyball
he mains rammus in league
he keeps Tim's kneepad as a souvenir
he can't really fight. But other people can't really fight him. Have you ever tried to fight a 300 pound midget? He knows he cant punch people in the face, so he just sorta grabs people and they fall over. Its hilarious.
he won a sumo wrestling tournament and had a promising future in the industry, but was convinced to give hockey a try upon seeing the diminutive stature of @Pris, which made him realize he could probably cut it too.
he would probably win the speed comp if it was in a straight line
e

@Nobody has any idea where Simon is going to go in the draft. He's pretty sure he'll go first overall, though. Why wouldn't he?

Gecko E. Gecko, ex rage co-gm, is a national writer for the score. Don't follow him.