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Leoben · 05-18-2020, 03:26 PM

Draft Media, Double Pay, 1544 words according to MS Word

Joe Rogan, Bryan Callen, Brendan Schaub, Joey Diaz, Theo Von, and Eddie Bravo were in the studio after the Season 54 SHL Entry Draft to break down the first round of picks.

Texas Renegades

JOE ROGAN: So the Texas Renegades selected Mikkel Asmus with the first overall pick.

BRENDAN SCHAUB: Bro, I’m telling you, there were some straight up murderers in this class and the Renegades take Asmus? C’mon. C’mon.

JOE ROGAN: Well it’s a fascinating pick. The guy used to play hockey with a golf club he found on the side of the road because he couldn’t afford a stick. Jamie, pull up Mikkel Asmus golf club. No not that one, to the left, you were just on it, right there. Look at his forearms.

BRENDAN SCHAUB: Who cares about his forearms son? He couldn’t skate if his life depended on it. He’s a bust.

JOE ROGAN: He’s not a bust.

BRENDAN SCHAUB: Ok he’s not a bust but you get my point.

JOE ROGAN: Not really.

Toronto North Stars Stars

JOE ROGAN: So let’s see, with the second pick, Toronto took Ryosuke Sato. Did I say that right?

Bryan Callen: Joe, the first name is pronounced HEU-OUSEU-OOOKI.

JOE ROGAN: Whaaat? That can’t be right.

BRYAN CALLEN: Joe, I spent six months in Japan and spent two weeks with the Sato family. This young man is very dedicated to his craft and will be able to help Toronto bounce back after a few seasons.

JOE ROGAN: Well they’re gonna need all the help they can get.

BRENDAN SCHAUB: One hundred percent B.

BRYAN CALLEN: Mr. Sato only eats skirt steak. Did you know that? And he only drinks almond milk. That’s his whole diet.

JOE ROGAN: That’s very unhealthy. He needs to throw some elk meat or swordfish in there if he wants to play hockey.

New England Wolfpack

JOE ROGAN: So let’s see, the New England Wolfpack, that’s an alpha as fuck name by the way, selected Matthew Sawful.

Joey Diaz: Joe Rogan I used to run with Matthew’s dad back in 1978 and he terrified me. We were eating chicken cutlets one night and this waitress came over and asked if we needed anything else and he said “How about you come back in five minutes sweetheart?” So she left for a minute and we did a few lines of coke and finished our chicken cutlets and then she came back. Joe, as true as I’m sitting here, he picked her up, put her over his shoulder, and threw her off the Brooklyn Bridge. She probably died on impact.

The studio erupts with laughter.

JOE ROGAN: That’s hilarious!

Tampa Bay Barracuda

JOE ROGAN: So Tampa selected Dwight Knight. I don’t know a lot about this guy.

JAMIE: He had a decent rookie season.

JOE ROGAN: Who told you that?

JAMIE: I just pulled up his stats.

JOE ROGAN: Yea but who wrote those stats? You gotta think about those things man. There’s a lot of fake shit out there.

EDDIE BRAVO: Dwight Knight has ties to Hillary Clinton. Like if you look in his closet there’s some really crazy stuff in there. And I’m not talking about jerseys dawg. He’s an agent for the Clinton Foundation and they are trying to buy the league.

JOE ROGAN: Really? I could believe that. There are parts of it that don’t make sense but I think they throw those out there to distract you from the truth.

Buffalo Stampede

JOE ROGAN: So, with the fifth pick, the Buffalo Stampede selected Emilia Bergman.

THEO VON: Oh I know Emilia. I used to run with her brother Lucius Bergman back in the day, you know?

JOE ROGAN: Are you doing a bit right now or are you being real?

THEO VON: All real. So we were good friends. We used to go to Kroger off I-95, they had really good country ham and the store always smelled like unopened incense. I liked that. So yea, good pick, solid pick by Buffalo. Gang gang.

Calgary Dragons Dragons

JOE ROGAN: So the Calgary Dragons. Dude, did you see those dragons on Game of Thrones?

BRYAN CALLEN: I did. I thought…

JOE ROGAN: They were so fake. They totally ruined that show. So Calgary, they selected Mats Marner.

BRYAN CALLEN: Mats Marner is a…

BRENDAN SCHAUB: I really liked the ending. I thought it was pretty good.

JOE ROGAN: It was terrible.

BRENDAN SCHAUB: Yea it sucked B.

Chicago Syndicate

JOE ROGAN: So the Chicago Syndicate, they had two picks in a row.

EDDIE BRAVO: Who decides the order of the draft anyway? I heard it was Obama.

JAMIE: No the bottom teams get to go in a lottery and their balls are drawn at random.

EDDIE BRAVO: Yea but whose decision was that?

JAMIE: I think Head Office but I’m not sure.

JOE ROGAN: I think Eddie is saying that there might be some other factors at play.

THEO VON: Them dark arts.

BRYAN CALLEN: The Syndicate really cleaned up…

JOEY DIAZ: I was in Chicago in 1986 with my cousin Beano. We were collecting for this group and we were sent to this one apartment. My boss said to me “You might wanna be careful when you collect from this guy, he’s a little jumpy.” I wasn’t worried, I’d just done five years in Chino so I could handle anyone. But he comes to the door, and he has a katana in one hand, and he’s holding a dead prostitute’s head in the other.

JOE ROGAN: AAAAHHAHAHAHAHA!!! That’s crazy.

Edmonton Blizzard

JOE ROGAN: So Edmonton, they selected Daniel Laforest. Hmm. Fascinating.

BRYAN CALLEN: The Laforest’s have a strong hockey bloodline that goes back to the 13th century.

BRENDAN SCHAUB: That can’t be true. Did they even have hockey in the 1980s?

JOE ROGAN: I don’t think they did. They might have put that spin on Laforest to elevate his draft stock.

BRYAN CALLEN: Well it certainly worked. He has a good home in Edmonton.

New Orleans Specters

JOE ROGAN: So the New Orleans Specters selected Bork Lazer.

THEO VON: I had a dealer named Bork one time but we just called him Spork because he had spiked hair.

BRENDAN SCHAUB: Bork the Spork?

THEO VON: No way man we’re not savages. Just Spork.

EDDIE BRAVO: Sporks were invented by the liberal media. They were going to slowly phase out regular forks and phase in sporks and we would never know the difference. Then they would make our food portions smaller and we wouldn’t notice.

JOE ROGAN: I can see that.

Baltimore Platoon Platoon

JOE ROGAN: Guys we need to stay on track here. We aren’t even watching these picks at all. They’re flying right by. So the Baltimore Platoon had two picks in a row. They got Pojo Biscuit and Patrick Shepherd.

BRYAN CALLEN: Those are solid picks. Both of those are prime time players.

BRENDAN SCHAUB: Didn’t Baltimore just relocate too? Where were they before? Orlando?

Jamie: West Kendall.

BRENDAN SCHAUB: Why’d they move?

EDDIE BRAVO: It was because…

JOE ROGAN: Ok ok hold on I don’t want this to get pulled down. We can talk about it off air.

Minnesota Chiefs Chiefs

JOE ROGAN: So Minnesota selected Jack Klompus. I remember that this guy had pretty broad shoulders. I wonder what he deadlifts.

BRENDAN SCHAUB: This is a solid pick.

THEO VON: Klompus sounds like a wart you get from washing your feet in the same bathwater for a few months.

JOE ROGAN: What?

THEO VON: I don’t know I’m just thinking.

Texas Renegades

JOE ROGAN: So Texas also had two first round picks. They selected Taitso Jutila with the fourteenth pick.

BRYAN CALLEN: The Jutilia’s were a nomadic monk tribe from Sweden who used to harvest cheese. It was good honest work and they were well respected.

JOE ROGAN: I don’t know how anyone can be a monk. Like how do you live in isolation like that with a bunch of other dudes?

BRENDAN SCHAUB: Speaking of isolation, how’s that new tank B?

JOE ROGAN: It’s soooo good. I got one that fits two people now so you can check it out with me later.

BRENDAN SCHAUB: For sure. Let’s finish this recap.

Los Angeles Panthers

JOE ROGAN: With the fifteenth overall pick, the Los Angeles Panthers select Linus Grimstad.

JOEY DIAZ: I met Linus at the Comedy Store the other day before all this COBID-18 stuff started happening and he was a sweet kid. He told me he wanted to make his family proud and wanted to make enough money so they would never have to work again. Great guy.

JOE ROGAN: AAAAAAHHHAAHAHAHAHAHA, that’s crazy!

Hamilton Steelhawks

JOE ROGAN: With the final pick of the first round, the Steelhawks selected Simon Takshak.

EDDIE BRAVO: Steelhawks are those things in the sky at night that they say are meteor showers. They are taking pictures of your house and sending them to NORAD.

JOE ROGAN: It’s entirely possible.

BRYAN CALLEN: I think this draft will go down as one of the stronger ones in recent memory.

BRENDAN SCHAUB: I don’t think it will.

JOE ROGAN: I think it will.

BRENDAN SCHAUB: Yea it probably will.

JOE ROGAN: Let’s go get in the tank. Jamie can you finish up here?