Login

sharksisback · 03-13-2019, 04:51 PM

As Halifax’s losing streak climbs to 11 games and the rate of hopelessness and sadness rises in Nova Scotia, the Raiders’ brass has taken it upon themselves to have a heart-to-heart with star winger Troy Reynolds. Reynolds has been snake-bitten ever since Tobias Viklund was moved up to the first line in direct response to their struggles. This did not help matters whatsoever. The Raiders have continued losing and frustrations are running high. It’s now or never for Reynolds, as it’s been reported that the Toronto North Stars may be calling him up sooner rather than later. The second line has continued to put it together, and rookie Joseph Laraque has begun questioning Reynolds as a star since he has dipped below a point a game.

GM Dean Atkins and coach Ed Balls have finally decided to sit down with Troy and see if they can somehow help him turn it around. This transcript was leaked by a player with insight on the situation whose name rhymes with Yimmy Yothface. The meeting took place in Atkins’ office.

GMDA: Hello Troy, I think you know why you're here.

Troy: You’re finally trading me to Montreal, aren’t you? This is it, my farewell meeting. Well, let me tell you something, Atkins. I don’t even speak French so it’s illegal to trade me there. I’ll see you in court.

Balls: That’s not why you’re here.

GMDA: Yes, in fact, you’re here because we need to have a talk.

Troy: My mom and dad already told me how to fuck. You stick your doodle in her dinghy and then you have a kid.

GMDA: I’m pretty sure there’s more to it than that. Troy, we’re gonna talk about a couple of things. First, do you have any complaints you want to get off your chest?

Troy: Oh do I? Is that a rhetorical question? Let’s see, WE’VE LOST 11 GAMES IN A ROW AND I’M PISSED. Listen, I may be a sixth-round pick but I sure as fuck did not sign up to lose 11 straight games in two straight seasons.

Balls: Troy, none of us signed up for that. We signed up to win too.

Troy: Listen here coach, I have not had sex in a month because we can’t win fucking games. THAT TAKES A TOLL ON A MAN.

Balls: Then just go get laid, Troy! No need to put more weight on your shoulders.

Troy: Last time I cheated, Sophia set my Xbox One on fire...I’m not about to take that risk again.

GMDA: Okay now see, that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about. You’ve been with this Ukrainian girl since our first win, and quite frankly I find it unhealthy that you have such a confrontational relationship with her. I don’t think she’s good for your well being as a player or as a person.

Troy: I didn’t come here for a therapy session. You’re getting all of that because I haven’t been burying my dick like how I bury...used to bury pucks in the net.

Balls: Troy we’re just here to help.

Troy: To help? Here’s one way to help, you see that hotshot rookie Laraque? PUT HIM ON MY LINE AND WE’LL RULE THIS LEAGUE. I asked and asked and asked for a new linemate because Jimmy couldn’t take it anymore. And you give me our enforcer on the first line. The dude just beats Raino Kyllonen up over and over again which is hilarious but I NEED SOMEONE WHO’S PRODUCING. That kid hasn’t scored in 3 games and I’m not gonna say why but we all know why. My entire line has been scoreless for 5 games. That’s what’s dragging us down, not the lack of sex with my lady.

GMDA: Fair enough, it’s not my place to tell you what to do with your personal life. But why are you back to shit talking the world? We aren’t in a position for you to have any leverage on other teams.

Troy: I don’t shit talk, I just state facts in an aggressive manner. Like here, I’ll do it right now. Jim Jones told me that Jax Duggan made his own Chaturbate account called DugganJaxOff69 and I hung up because I didn’t wanna hear the rest of whatever his scoop was. I had to go vomit and now Sophia thinks I have the Spanish Flu. I’ve never even been to Spain. And I heard that Jimmy is intentionally playing badly because he doesn’t wanna get called up by New Orleans. Which is commendable but also I’M TIRED OF FUCKING LOSING JIMMY, I KNOW YOU’RE LISTENING OUT THERE YOU LITTLE SHIT.

(fuck he’s got me)

GMDA: Can you really blame him though?

Balls: I’d do the same thing if my goalie up there was Aleister Cain. That’s a big yikes from me.

Troy: See, now we’re on the same page. I’m stating facts and these snowflakes need to go find their safe space if they have a problem with it.

GMDA: How much Fox News have you been watching?

Troy: ...okay maybe I’m more like my dad than I thought. I’m dating an immigrant too where the fuck did that come from?

GMDA: Is she legal?

Troy: Yeah she’s 20.

GMDA: That’s not what I meant but fuck it, let’s move on. Troy, the trade deadline is coming up.

Troy: Oh here we go. If you need my teams that I’ll sign off on, everyone but Vancouver and Detroit works.

GMDA: You don’t have a no trade clause in your contract, Troy. I’m just pointing out that it’s coming up, no need to get paranoid.

Balls: If anything, that’s just your deadline to request a trade since we know you’re disgruntled.

Troy: Oh that makes sense. I’ll be real with you, I haven’t seen a real reason that I’m here...in your office I mean.

GMDA: Troy, you know I never had a son?

Troy: Yeah you don’t even have a wife to my knowledge.

GMDA: I could’ve knocked someone up and just left the kid as far as you know.

Troy: Well that’s a really comforting thought. My GM might be a deadbeat.

GMDA: LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT TROY. ahem. Ya know I’ve never had a son, but I see a lot of myself in you. Young, reckless, angry at the world. Haha, those were the days. But those days start to catch up with you, Troy. You can’t live like this forever. You stop being called a partier who’s loyal to his girlfriend. You start becoming an alcoholic in an abusive relationship. Troy, I don’t want you to go down that road. You have all the talent in the world, for a long time I didn’t believe you when you told everyone you were the best. Then you proved it against Anaheim and again in the first half of the season. I need you to keep proving it.

Troy: ...it’s just sex. She’s just withholding sex as motivation for me to want to win more. I’m still working my ass off, but you put a non-North American on my line. Coach Curry told me that non-North Americans are gutless little pukes who should’ve stuck to soccer like the rest of their pussy countrymen.

Balls: That old xenophobic fuck doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. He’s been on heroin for 54 of the 70 years he’s been alive. Esa and Jimmy are both not from North America, Troy.

Troy: I haven’t played with Esa on my line and Jimmy was colder than the appropriate temperatures of the North Pole before humanity fucked it over and made it melt. And Viklund joining our line is like when you’re in an orgy and your dick touches someone else’s dick. You keep going but goddamn the chemistry is all sorts of fucked after that.

GMDA: You have a way with words that makes me proud and disgusted all at once.

Balls: Troy, you have to try to make it work, we can’t give up on our plans.

GMDA: Viklund on the first line was not in our plans, he’s only there because Jimmy lost his smile. We stuck with him on the first line too long as well. Troy might have a point.

Troy: You’re goddamn right I do. You know who is a good North American boy? Joseph Laraque. The little pipsqueak might try and shit talk his elders but he’s talented and American. I mean, he’s from New England so he might as well go join Ed and the tea drinkers but it’s still technically America.

GMDA: I’ll tell you what, I’ll think about it. We haven’t tried it and what we’re doing right now just isn’t working.

Troy: While I’m here, can you change the song that plays after I score?

GMDA: I can, what song do you want?

Balls: I swear to god Reynolds, if it’s any of that emo shit you listen to, I’m gonna resign.

Troy: First of all, how fucking dare you? Brand New is a fucking spectacular band as long as you ignore the fact that their singer is a bad person. And A Day To Remember is a fucking beautiful blend of emo bullshit and screaming bullshit fuck you Ed.

Balls: He’s really defensive about his horrible music tastes.

Troy: This is why I never transferred to the UK.

Balls: We never contacted you for that.

Troy: ED SHUT YOUR FUCK. Anyways I want my new goal song to be Brotherman Bill.

GMDA: I’m not gonna ask what that is. If you fall out of the team lead in points, I’m changing it to How You Remind Me by Nickelback.

Troy: That’s fucking cruel but you’ve got a deal. Also change Gaspard’s goal song to Complicated by Avril Lavigne. It’ll make his day.

At this point, Dom Montgomery walked by and heard that and was incredibly happy that Troy was being a semi-decent person for half a second.

GMDA: Okay but if Gaspard passes you in points, I’m changing yours to Ice Ice Baby. You’ll hear the bassline and get excited only to have your hopes dashed.

Troy: Did you used to work in Guantanamo Bay? You have a deal but Jesus man.

GMDA: It’s called negotiating Reynolds. Maybe if you tried that, you’d be getting more than $3 million a year from Toronto.

Troy: Yeah yeah whatever. I’m gonna go practice some more since I’m guessing that was all you had for me.

Balls: Practice has been over for 2 hours.

Troy: Did I fucking stutter?

GMDA: That’s all we had for you, kid. Go out there and practice your ass off. The pride of a city is on your shoulders. No pressure.

Troy: ...okay then thanks for that.

Troy rushes out of the room, avoiding what could’ve resulted from a continued intervention

Balls: That kid is a fucking disaster and a half.

GMDA: No, Ed. He’s a born and bred champion. I really struck gold when I drafted him in the 6th round. What a steal.

Balls: You didn’t even fucking draft him.

We’ll have to see if this heart to heart conversation has any impact on the Raiders and Reynolds’ struggles. We reached out to Sophia Miacova for comment and she released the following statement. “Any woman who has sex with a man on an 11 game losing streak is not a real woman. That’s what my mother told me in Kiev. I am still nice to Troy, and hiding his drugs and beers are good for his health. If anything, I am being the best girlfriend ever, minus the sex. Dean Atkins and Ed Balls are bad men and that’s why Troy is going to Toronto next year.”

Upon Sophia revealing this fact, we asked North Stars GM Nobody about the news. “SHE SAID WHAT? HE’S DOING WHAT?” Did Sophia Miacova reveal a secret? Is she just lying to scare the Raiders brass into ceasing their interventions of Troy? Is Toronto actually calling Reynolds up and GM Nobody is just incompetent and didn’t remember doing so? Will Nikolai Evans be traded to Halifax? Find out on the next edition of the Toronto Moon.

Big Dave Lemtzer
Toronto Moon

(2037 words)

bilbo · 03-13-2019, 05:02 PM

Wow, I just realized that we might not get many articles from the Halifax Gazette soon enough. "Toronto Moon" breaking my heart tbh. Dom was pleased though. Also loved the Brand New part. Going to miss these random pop culture references in the Gazette. : '(

SecondSucks22 · 03-13-2019, 05:12 PM

First and foremost I'm no cheap slut, if I'm gonna cam it's gonna be a respectable site like myfreecams, secondly, ADTR is fucking amazing

Navigation

Extra Menu

About us