Login

Moreorless89 · 12-02-2020, 10:41 PM

(937 words)

First thing you all have to realize is that I am a forward. I have always been a forward. My thinking has even forward my entire life. I was the most accepting person in kindergarten because of how forward thinking I am. I was thinking about climate change before Al Gore figured out how to tie his shoe. I mean, mostly because my baby-sitter read me Dune while my parents went to their weekly frisbee golf tournaments. Still scares me to this day. The encroaching sand. Worms the size of battleships. A guy whose name is like a magic destructive word of death. That creepy little girl that can see everything because her mom did lines of sacred spice, or something. All that’s because of climate change. I’m pretty sure that was the point of that book. That’s how forward I am. My mind literally saw climate change coming decades after it was already discovered by basically any scientist who was paying attention during the Industrial Revolution. Even Charles Dickens wrote a Christmas Carol as a response to pollution. In this essay I will show—

[get back to your article and stop saying climate change. You can barely remember to recycle]

Hey give me the laptop back. Ow, don’t hit me, you nerd. Anyways, I am a forward. Except I’m not a forward anymore. So who am I? I’m not even the only Luffy anymore. The vague simian specter of that other guy has fallen across my path, and I can’t escape.

You know what is not forward? Skating backwards. Why do defensemen have to skate backwards? Can anyone give me peer-reviewed data backing of the tactical advantage that comes with the ability to move backwards as if ensorcelled by cursed skates? You hear that silence, you key clacking nerd? That is me proving that skating backwards is dumb, and coach can’t make me do it!

[I cannot believe anyone gave you a contract. We’re going to get thrown out of this apartment, and I’m going to have to live with my parents again. Maybe Sato will let me cover his career.]

Shut up. This is my laptop time, go cook dinner. And don’t burn the chicken this time. That’s my beer, put it back down. Now where was I? Oh yes, I am a defensemen now. That means my shot blocking can go above twelve. That’s right, Simulation, I am on to you. You can’t get rid of the beautiful mind of Luffy Richard!
I skate backwards, and I check, and I move the puck up and out of the zone. I am a shutdown defensemen who will have to contend with all the speedsters, the snipers, the guys and gals with only one thing on their mind: scoring goals. I will shut them down like my high school art teacher shut down what I thought was going to be a lucrative and fulfilling painting career. There will be no glory in the blood I spill for my team. There will be no easy nights where I don’t go to my hotel room covered in ice bags. But there will be honor.

[tell them how those bags of ice aren’t from hitting opponents or blocking shots, but falling on your ass every five seconds because you still have trouble skating backwards]

I said cook, damn you. I’m getting better. It’s not as easy as it looks, okay. It’s not like you would know, sitting in your comfy skybox without a care in the world! What was I saying...?

Oh yes, I remember now. This season is going to be one filled with growing pains for me. The huge leap in competition is one I will struggle to overcome, but I won’t stop working at it. The coaching staff has been working with me day and night to improve the skills I need to be the stalwart shield the Toronto North Stars need me to be!

[who talks like this? Do you ever listen to yourself? You sound insane.]

You sound like a humbug. It’s called faking it until I make it. I am gonna fake my greatness until I become the greatest Luffy ever drafted by the Toronto North Stars! I know the odds are against me, and I know people drafted as late as me are lucky to not get perma-retired into the nether of the Simulation, but I’m still here! I earned my place in training camp, and I survived pre-season. The North Stars are in the toughest division in the league. I will be playing the best of the best day in and day out, but I’m glad. If I wanna be the best player drafted fifty-fifth overall, I need to play the best. I am just going to keep climbing, and help bring the Cup home to Toronto.

Who am I? I’m Luffy fucking Richard, defensemen for the Toronto North Stars, and I can’t wait to smash every wannabe Great One into their bench. Primo Victoria!

(So do you think Simulation Sports Center will pick up this story? Think we’ll get a movie out of this?)

[hard to tell, Luff. There is some great stuff in here. I imagine Simulation Hallmark might want to take a look at this little article.]

(oh, that would be great. It could be a holiday movie where I fall through a pond or something.)

[You could save the town with the money you make earning a big contract because you scored the game winning goal in game seven of the final while having a fractured ankle and missing a your left thumb]

(That’s art. That’s art.)