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TheOPSquid · 02-04-2024, 04:56 PM

The Edmonton Blizzard have been experiencing a strong run of high quality seasons of on-ice success as well as off-ice camaraderie. Two of the biggest contributing factors of both is the management duo of HFFO and Eggcracker. With their sustained excellence of drafting, trading, and winning virtual hockey games, they have been able to push Edmonton to winning the cup in Season 73. As well as a top 6 finish each season for the past 4 seasons. Despite not drafting a single player since Season 71, Edmonton has improved rapidly through trades and internal player growth. How has this happened though? What secret tactics do the Blizzard management employ?

After an interview with an anonymous general manager of an SHL team that has traded with Edmonton, had this to say “I’m not sure what happened to be honest. At first we were exchanging pleasantries and that’s when I noticed it, his bald head. I couldn’t look away after just catching a glimpse of it, then everything he was saying just made sense and I wanted to pull the trigger on the trade. All of my previous concerns and attempts at playing hardball went out the window. It was just so shiny and majestic.” It seems that when negotiating trades with other teams, HFFO’s bald head distracts the opposing general manager and lulls them into a hypnotic sort of trance that allows HFFO to gain the upperhand in negotiations. Unable to capture this on camera, we will have to rely on the eye witness’s account.

The leading explanation on how he is able to “hypnotize” opposing general managers is one that science has been trying to explain since the moment it was discovered. The leading explanation so far is that due to the lack of hair on his head, his body does not need to focus on growing and maintaining hair follicles. Allowing his brain to focus 100% of its energy on managing and improving the Edmonton Blizzard. At this point HFFO might be the first biological hockey supercomputer in the history of the SHL, it is unknown if his abilities will stop there or if more will manifest over time.

While most SHL management front offices use their SHL stipend for living expenses such as health, hair and dental, HFFO actually spends the majority of his stipend on bacon. He was quoted as saying “Bacon grease keeps my head nice and shiny, smells good, and I even get to eat the bacon afterwards.” We are unsure of the scientific accuracy of this, but it could be one of his secrets to his success. This does dispel one theory about HFFO using photosynthesis instead of eating food though.

An interview with a member of the Edmonton front office said that the discussion process of trading draft picks is short and in-depth. With HFFO being able to sit at the draft board deeply entrenched in thought while pressing a hand against his temple like Professor X. Before coming out with a conclusion to trade the pick to “save the world”. Unsure about this, the anonymous member of the front office tried to justify keeping the pick but after brief eye contact between HFFO and Egg, they moved ahead and moved on from the pick. We are still unsure about how trading the pick can equate to “saving the world” but weirder things have happened. Probably. To go along with the world not ending, we can not confirm or deny if their move actually saved the world or not.

Edmonton Blizzard players get to enjoy their time in the Tropical haven of Edmonton, known for the West Edmonton Mall as well as the West Edmonton Mall. A large focus of Edmonton is player development, which has helped mold their players into SHL superstars. How does Edmonton do it? We are still unsure at the moment, but a leak out of the locker room has said that they think it has something to do with HFFO’s personal finances. Normally seen sitting atop a large pile of treasure in his office, this treasure could have something to do with player development as the SHL claims to have players pay outrageous costs for training. But it may be also used as food for HFFO as he powers his supercomputer of a brain. Much like a dragon, who don’t eat people, they eat treasure and thus they always sit on a big pile of it.

Some whispers of a large cult following called “the basilica of bald” have recently emerged from one of the most remote places in the world, the Yukon. Purely speculative, but could this “cult” be talking about HFFO? Would they be the ones supplying his treasure? We will have to look deeper to find out more information.

A deeper investigation into the rest of his SHL expenses seem to corroborate an earlier story from earlier in the offseason by reporter Daryll Motz from the New York Times about trading cards and laundering money. With HFFO being the agent for player Theodore Svatos, who coincidentally plays for Edmonton, rumors of Svatos being funded by the Edmonton GM and off-ice perks like $60,000 trading cards being found sitting in his locker after practice can point to signs of a deeper conspiracy.

With a whole lot of things surrounding the Edmonton Blizzard, mind powers, hypnosis, cults, and trading cards. We will have to dig further to uncover what other secrets the Blizzard have been able to employ in order to create their success.

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