It was a cold winter evening. Iqbal and Nova had just arrived in their new apartment. In juniors they had been bitter rivals but as pro’s they were going to have to change. Unkown to most the heated rivals were not just rivals on the ice in juniors but they were rivals in real life as well. They played NHL constantly, always trying to one up each other. At the bar they would see who could drink the most. This time though was different.
Iqbal had challenged Nova to see who could drink the most. This time however Iqbal fed Nova more beers and let him win and watched him become incoherently drunk. Iqbal, now with the upper and fairly sober hand challenged him to bring home the hottest girl. Nova stammered out a yes as he always almost beats the younger Iqbal at everything. That night Iqbal was the clear winner as he brought home a 10. However in the apartment nothing happened between the two as he was tired and fell asleep. The next morning when he woke up he noticed the woman was missing. He went to their living room and saw Nova and the woman together. Nova had a cigarette and smugly said, “Even when you try to cheat, I still come out on top.†As that was the final straw Iqbal went to management and then applied for the trade out
What scandal could I talk about? Well, for starters, the guy suggesting these PTs flat out told me he would never draft me. I also told him I would never play for him. So any extra points that I could have, or should have received, will not happen because he’s a bit of a wanker. No worries, I’ll never play for him either.
So since the nepotism and inbreeding in this god-forsaken league is off limits, I’ll stick to my own team.
Thaddeus Prince has multiple letters saying that he owes child support for at least three different babies. I told the guy to use protection but he told me it’s in his genes to stop shots. I tried to tell him that there is a difference between blocking a puck and a microscopic tadpole but he was fairly confident that he could get away with it. While I don’t think that it made any difference in his play, he was still a stud for us, it may have brought up some personal issues in the locker room. One of the baby mamas was Elias Lindstrom’s girlfriend. See, the thing is, Prince is used to lasting sixty minutes. Lindstrom is only good for seventeen. Some ladies just like a guy who can last longer.
The Seattle locker room had very high hopes for the season of S34. They had a strong start and were looking like cup favourites, however, that quickly changed. The piling up losses began to cause some tension in the room. For one user this tension reached a boiling point. He decided that the GM was doing a terrible job and that the team was ruined. This, of course, occurred due to a simple misunderstanding. It snowballed and quickly led to shit being thrown. Mac decided he'd had enough and asked for a trade elsewhere. Our kind GMs tried trading him, but unfortunately for Mac there was no bites. They were probably scared off by his trash build. In a moment of extreme self over valuing Mac then decided to just retire because the 12 hours that he waited after requesting a trade was just too much. Thinking that this would cripple the team, Brumm and Deezy would be forced to trade him regardless of if the other team's GMs wanted him. Luckily for the Riot, Colt's retirement is an upgrade for the team. With Colt out of the roster we free up a spot on the top line for a center man that is actually good as well as a little bit more salary.
Player Page --- Update Page Picture credit to Allen, Jenny, enigmatic, Wasty, ckroyal92, 701, and EJ
300+ Career Goals, 750+ Career Points
5th All-Time Goals Scored for WKP,8th All-Time Goals Scored for SEA/TBB
3rd All-Time in Playoff Points
17th All-Time in Goals 6 Consecutive 50+ Point Seasons, 7 Total
Quote:"idc if ur naked if ur holding that cup" -Jenny
Slappydoodle Registered
S42 Challenge Cup Champion
Posts:5,443 Threads: 227 Joined: Feb 2015 Reputation:163
Pronouns: Undisclosed
Player: Walt "Clyde" Frazier
We bring you a shocking story of sex, drugs and hockey under the Florida sun!
This story begins in the relatively sleepy little burg of Hamilton, Ontario where one Jon Ross played center for the local hockey franchise. Ross was developing quite a reputation for hard partying and sexual deviancy. It seems that within an already troubled locker room, young JR's frequent drunken escapades were wearing thin on management and players alike. A decision was made by the head office to trade him while he still retained good value.
A trade was eventually worked out, with our local West Kendall Platoon sending some draft choices back to the Steelhawks in exchange for the young forward. Platoon GM Bojo Biscuit arranged to have a local Cuban restaurant rented out for the club's exclusive use for a get together and welcoming party for Ross. Vast amounts of food were consumed and the wine and cervezas were flowing. At some point team captain Slappy McDoodle and his young protege Pietra Volkova left the restaurant with Ross in tow to show him "the real Miami".
What happened after this has quickly become the stuff of legends. We can confirm that the trio wound up in South Beach partying with Shaquille O'Neal and the Romanian women's wrestling team who were in town for a tournament. Apparently at some point the young Canadian fell in with a group of trannie rent boys and invited them all back to his room. These "ladies" of the evening proceeded to introduce the young drunk to a new world of drugs and sexual experiences such as he had never imagined back up in Canada. Suffice it to say his mind (along with about a dozen poles) was blown.
When Ross finally resurfaced three days later, out of his mind on god knows what and rambling some incoherent story about Slappy McDoodle and a toupee and Bojo's armpit, co GM Maria Maximova quietly checked him into a facility where he could get some rest.
Jon Ross has undergone some changes over this off-season to say the least. Here is the most recent image of him taken during a recent grocery shopping expedition:
It is with a heavy hand and a heavy heart that I write this note to you, sir. There's no doubt in my mind that you've heard the most recent horrible news to come out of the Admiral's dressing room: 98% of the team is illiterate.
Turns out that half of the trades GM Kyle Wahlgren made were misunderstood by him. He saw pretty characters and in talks with other GMs, rather than come clean about his reading troubles, he inadvisably traded away team members. Although that seems to have not backfired as the Portland Admirals are currently
Problems didn't end there as fellow GM Matt Hazard - a cooking enthusiast - made many food mistakes. Like adding peculiar ingredients to regular dishes. Personally, I never understood the appeal of spicy panang curry - in fact, I'm not even sure if that's a word. Panang, I mean come on.
Regardless of sauce, yet so like it, the problem has spilled over onto other Admiral characters. So much so that a unifying message of "alwats" - a common typo of "always" - has become the most repeated word in the Admiral locker room.
The tenured Admiral captain, Kelly River had this to say, "Me am unset due because lead-cos is pre-dumb. Brain in I giant big. Let go team! Alwats. Alwats. Alwats."
Breaking scandal out of Calgary..... Esa Anrikkanen is lactose intolerant? The implications of this could send shockwaves through the entire SHL universe if true. The Parm King can no longer eat cheese? The very fabric of his career has been chicken parms and challenge cups. He's eaten chicken parms out of the cup on 3 occassions, now we learn that he may have developed an intolerance to cheese due to massive parm consumption over his 18 seasons in the league. This is devastating news for not only his lower colon but the entire Dragons organization.
If Esa is not able to eat parms we're concerned his production could drop. It's been speculated that despite scoring a career high 24 goals this season he had to spend every intermission on the toilet and was not able to give his normal locker room motivational speeches. Experts say this is what caused Calgary to miss the playoffs on the final day, Esa had eaten 3 parms before the game, his usualy pre-game meal and had a massive blowout in between periods, he was not able to motivate the team and they fell short because of it. What does this mean for Calgary going forward? Will Esa continue to eat parms and deal with a spastic colon or will he invest heavily in Immodium AD during the S35 season? This will definitely be a story to watch moving forward in the career of the great Parm King.
#1 All-Time SHL Goal & Point Scorer - First 2,000 TPE Player in SHL History - - First 400 Goal Scorer in SHL History - - Only 500 Goal Scorer in SHL History - - First GM to Win 5 & 6 Challenge Cups - Esa Anrikkanen Award - SMJHL ROY - Est. S34 Vidrik Onoprienko Award Winner - S45
There have been many accusations and concerns floating around the Buffalo Stampede locker room. Most of them are false but there is one that is true that sticks out like a sore thumb. That is Walrus’s infatuation with spinners. Yeah that crazy that is sweeping the nation that nobody gets but is become popular. Walrus has spent thousands of dollars on spinners, which to him is nothing because he signed a $15 million contract. However, it is still a little strange to thinking about. A guy buying a fidget spinner for over a 1000 dollars when it just spins. A one thousand dollar fidget spinner does the same exact thing that a five dollar fidget spinner does. And when I confronted this to him. Pleading he gets on with his life and stops with these fidget spinner he told me the spinners help him cope with his heroin addiction. That is ever since he bought his first fidget spinner he has stopped using heroin. Which, in the grand scheme of things heroin is the lesser of the two evils. This PT has allowed me to open this scandal up to the rest of the league so that maybe together we can help Walrus out and end his stupid Fidget Spinner addiction.
Thank you Brandon, Fish, GeckoeyGecko, Karey, Kit, takethehorizon, and Ragnar for the sigs!
Freshly called up to the SHL for its 33rd season last year, defenceman Toivo Kosonen of the New England Wolfpack has reportedly made comments regarding veteran forward Nathan Russell's status as captain. After winning the Challenge Cup in his rookie season surrounded by a team that was practically built by Russell, it would seem impossible that Kosonen could suggest that anyone else should wear the C on their chest--but that's exactly what one anonymous source overheard him doing during a conversation with backup goaltender Earnest Ciarelli about the intrateam captaincy vote for S34. The source reports that Kosonen said he doesn't "trust Russell" and thinks that Ciarelli is "a way better choice for captain, especially with the leadership [he] shows in opening and closing the bench door." Ciarelli did not directly say anything against Russell, but he did say "yoooooooots" in apparent agreement with Kosonen's comments.
This development from New England is disturbing, especially considering their reputation as a close-knit team. With Kosonen actively disparaging their captain, we have to question whether there could be truth to his statements or if any of the other team members agree with him. If so, could this spell the beginning of the end for the dynasty New England has established with Russell as captain?
I am here today to say something that has been destroying our locker room from the inside out. Already we have had to force a trade to send long time toona, Ales Smirnov, and deer friend, bamb-er- Adam Falk to opposing teams. It's been an issue for a few seasons now, and I've finally built up enough courage to talk about it in person.
There's been a divide. A divide as big as yo mama's crack. There are people on this team that love Nickelback, and then there's people on this team that love Avril Lavigne.
SURE, Nickelback used to be good, and OK, we've all been guilty of singing skater boy out loud at some point in our lives. But never did I think it would escalate to a literal line between the locker room blasting out 90-2000's songs from two boomboxes. And yeah, they were actual boomboxes because they could only find CD's.
It started off OK as Mikkamigo and Maximillion start pumping out some "This is how you remind me." But later Volkswagen and Lightyear started jamming to the new "Hello Kitty" song from yo girl, A-L.
People started getting feisty. Waggles started singing "Photograph" on the ice, while third line bang bros aka Flow, Jeziak, and Rielly started checking people while singing "Complicated"
Things took a turn for the worse when Jeb Llorbush got his lunch and was like "I'll have the quesadilla, ha haaaa". Punches were placed, bodies were bruised. Before you know it, we were eliminated from the playoffs.
Is there a lesson learned? I'm not sure. I asked Slappy, but he didn't know what to do, as he put on his headphones and started listening to something around when he was born (20's-30's I think)
Rumor has is that the Los Angeles Panthers' star defenseman Chris Crutchfield DOES NOT crush cold ones with the boys.
The rumor began circulating late Saturday night. Panthers forwards Ryan King and Kaapo Kekkonen spent the day crushing some cold ones together with the boys (Jorma Ruutu, Johnny Cahill, Timo Haas, etc.), but Chris Crutchfield was nowhere to be seen.
"Y'know I just don't get it. The guy seems to really get along with us in the locker room during the weekdays but on the weekends he just disappears. Must be home reading a book or something. Pansy. D'no why he won't crush a few cold ones with da boys", said Panthers forward Jean-Luc Reflieux.
We reached out to Crutchfield's agent to see what he had to say about the situation.
"Well, I know Chris is my client and all, but let's be real here. No beating around the bush. Chris isn't ferda boys. He's not the kinda guy who'll spend his Saturday whittling away at a 30 rack of Natty. He's just not that kinda guy. I think my client is more interested in computer games."
Will Chris Crutchfield ever dedicate his Saturdays to the boys? Will he ever crush a cold one?
The Minnesota Chiefs surely have not been lacking in the scandal department this season. In fact, the entire league was made aware by mid-season that number one center Samee Iqbal wanted out of Minnesota thanks to his public trade request in which he also ripped on Chiefs management. Eventually he was shipped of to Portland but if you think that was the only scandal to rock the Minnesota locker room this season, my dear, you're terribly mistaken.
What you probably don't know is the story behind my resignation as Co-GM of the Chiefs. While the narrative pushed by the Chiefs PR department is that the longtime GM had lost his passion for management, you're about to hear the real truth. This, right here, will rock your world.
What really happened is that I hired a hitman on Samee. But not just any hitman - Agent 47. You know, that bald guy from the games. He is real. Trust me. While we did our best to keep things under wraps, GM Baelor Swift got a whiff of what was going on right under his nose. A long time admirer of me, who had rejected his own advances more times that he could count, he absolutely lost it. He had to cry himself to sleep each and every night just to deal with the amount of pain he felt. But, he had an idea. He had agent 47 commit pranks on Samee. Regularly. Sometimes physical abuse. Sometimes mental. Either way, it was not a fun time for the youngster.
However, eventually Samee moved on because he couldn't take the abuse, but let's be clear and acknowledge that Agent 47 was the best prankster of them all.
Alonzo Garbanzo Final Tallies (Among Defensemen):
2nd in Goals (208), All-Time Assists Leader (765)*, All-Time Points Leader (973), 3rd in Hits (2587), All-Time Blocked Shots Leader (1882)* *All-Time Leader Among All Skaters Player Profile | Update Thread
grimreaper Registered
S34, S38 Challenge Cup Champion
Posts:1,964 Threads: 79 Joined: Dec 2011 Reputation:3
Pronouns: Undisclosed
Though it had only been consider a crazy rumour before, what many claim to be a very reputable source has recently revealed information that may prove scandalous to one Wyatt Wollker of the Manhattan Rage. Wollker's icy demeanour has long been noted by followers of the SHL, though until now it was considered to simply be his personality, with nothing sinister lurking underneath the surface. The accusations being levied against him now certainly do not support that.
It is alleged that despite making a living as a professional hockey player, Wollker is involved in some pretty terrible dealings. He has apparently been receiving newborn babies from their parents, with the craziest part being that they are given up with no resistance. What Wollker is paying for these children (be it money, threats, or something else altogether) is unknown, as is why he is even acquiring them in the first place. The parents of the children alleged to have been delivered to Wollker have been reached for comment, but all have stuck to their stories that their children are simply missing, and that the search continues.
Wollker has been unavailable for comment, but this scandal is one that will not go away overnight. Two key questions remain. One, is it true? And two, if it is, what is he doing with them. Is he raising an army (of hockey players), or something else altogether? Rest assured we will do everything we can to get to the bottom of this one. The fate of the free world may depend on it.
sash Registered
overwatch is a first person shooter for weebs
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Rob Wright 
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