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UncleLeosKomrade · 09-24-2018, 07:41 PM

Catchy Jingle Begins

Come on down to Colorado GMC to check out our newest innovation in the transportation world ... the GM Islander. After years of focusing on regular everyday cars, GM has decided to break into the world of Ultimate Utility Vehicles, Here to tell you more about this amazing new vehicle, from yoooouuurrrrr Colorado Raptors, MAUI

Jingle fades ... Followed by cheers

Maui: Growing up in the island of Hawaii and then in the mountains of Latvia, I know that getting where you need to be can be tricky. Well now, with the GM Islander, all those worries can be a thing of the past. The Islander isn't just a car, but it is also a boat and a vehicle will mountain scaling capabilities. But don't just tale my word for it, come on down and test one out. Available in 20 different colours with a wide range of interiors, the Islander is a car that everybody will love!

grok · 09-24-2018, 09:28 PM

Open to close shot of a plate, with one slice of pizza. Slow zoom/pan up reveals Cedric Robinson and the Buddy's Pizza dining room. Robinson stares intently at the pizza perplexed, almost frustrated. Smash cut--Robinson is scored on by an opposing player. Smash cut back to Robinson, with an increasingly upset expression. Smash cut to Robinson slashing Leshaun King, referee calls penalty. Smash cut back to Robinson, visibly distraught. Smash cut to Robinson, slipping on his skates and falling backwards. Return to Robinson, head in his hands. He looks up at the pizza. After a long shared glance, Robinson picks up the pizza and takes a bite. His expression lifts. Smash cut to a desperate save. He glows, and takes another bite. Smash cut to a shootout stop. Smash cuts of saves and bites alternate until the pizza is gone. Beat. A server walks by. Robinson grabs the server by the arm.

ROBINSON: "Another. ...please."

Buddy's Pizza logo, phone number displays. Jingle plays.

ViN · 09-24-2018, 11:21 PM

Steelhead77 · 09-24-2018, 11:30 PM

Chicken Parm Saves Lives.

Man walks into a restaurant claiming he is extremely hungry and angry, his eyes are wide and he has a wild look in them, one of rage, confusion, hunger and desire. It's a scary look as he peers around the restaurant.. He proclaims if he doesn't eat something immediately he is going to kill someone... People quickly run up offering him their meals, hamburgers, fries, sandwiches, salads, onion rings, whatever they have on their plates... The man slaps all the plates to the ground, he yells This is not good enough I want real food, there's only one thing that can keep me from killing everyone in this room... Chicken Parm, I want Chicken Parm!!! Just then a young fat boy emerges from the corner, holding a plate with a piping hot chicken parm sandwich on it and says "Hey Mr. I have a chicken parm, you can have it if you want" With a tear in his eye the man waves him over, he takes half the parm and bites into it, immediately his mood changes, a rainbow emerges outside and everyone begins to cheer. He puts his arm around the boy and says thank you son. They cheers the two halves of parm and walk to a booth together. The commercial fades out and large letters come across the screen... CHICKEN PARM - IT SAVES LIVES. -the end

---> ParmBorg Highlights <---

#1 All-Time SHL Goal & Point Scorer
- First 2,000 TPE Player in SHL History -
- First 400 Goal Scorer in SHL History -
- Only 500 Goal Scorer in SHL History -
- First GM to Win 5 & 6 Challenge Cups -
Esa Anrikkanen Award - SMJHL ROY - Est. S34
Vidrik Onoprienko Award Winner - S45

Dragonite

SlashACM · 09-25-2018, 01:08 AM

Pan down to a man with his head in his hands, alone on the visitor bench in an smjhl arena. People yelling profanities, "you suck!", "Fucking sieve", "looks like you dropped an A from your jersey!". Reveal the man is Aleister Cain, wearing scarecrow gear but with goalie mask to his side. Drown sound out to a deafening blur, Aleister Cain looks out in anguish at this ice. The rink is empty, looks like it must be intermission or something, but the stands are full of hecklers, all focused on him from every seat in the arena. He reaches down beneath the bench and pulls out headphones and puts them on. The roar of the angry crowd is instantly drowned out, and only classical music can be heard. The anguish fades from Cain's face and he looks calm. Fade to Black. Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones: When the haters get too loud, tune them out.

ArGarBarGar · 09-25-2018, 07:08 AM

Narrator: Do YOU enjoy being full of energy!?!? DO YOU WISH YOU COULD BE FULL OF ENERGY ALL THE TIME!?? WELL NOW YOU CAN!! TRY SUPERGY! THE ENERGY DRINK FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO BE AT FULL BORE AT ALL TIMES!!! YOU WILL RUN FASTER, BE MORE ACTIVE, AND GRAB LIFE BY THE BAAALLSS!!! DONT BELIEVE US? LISTEN TO THIS SATISFIED CUSTOMER!!

Garbanzo: Hello. I am Alonzo Garbanzo. I love this product. It is why I won all those Stevens. It is great. Buy this product now. *fakes smile*

Narrator: DO I NEED TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE??!?! BUY THIS PRODUCT NOW!! FOR FIVE EASY PAYMENTS OF 99.99 YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL!!!!

Narrator2: Please drink responsibly. Side effects may include palpitations / tachycardia, tremor / shaking, agitation / restlessness, gastrointestinal upset, chest pain/ischemia, dizziness/syncope, paresthesia (tingling or numbing of the skin), insomnia, respiratory distress, headache, heart attack, seizure, stroke, liver failure, schizophrenia, and sometimes death.

Alonzo Garbanzo Final Tallies (Among Defensemen):
2nd in Goals (208), All-Time Assists Leader (765)*, All-Time Points Leader (973), 3rd in Hits (2587), All-Time Blocked Shots Leader (1882)*
*All-Time Leader Among All Skaters
Player Profile | Update Thread
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Jearim · 09-25-2018, 08:43 AM

Hi. I'm Walter Hobbs, starting Goalie for the Texas Renegades. There has been a lot of talk about Hybrid Cars lately.People will tell you they are environmentally friendly. They are green and better for the planet. I'm here to ask you, how is it better, the batteries that run the car will eventually need to be changed and where do those acid filled batteries go? Back into the soil.

While people have been talking bad about fuel, how it's bad and hurts the environment, I'm here to say, consider staying the course. The tried and true method has proven to be more reliable than your home electricity. Can you imagine the unemployment rate if we stop using fossil fuels? We here at Texas oil believe that there has not been enough evidence against fuel and we hope you stand with us. So keep buying fuel. It's the real way to go!

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dizzyDC · 09-25-2018, 09:36 AM

Written Task: Write the script for your commercial. It can be for a car dealership, snack, whatever. Task must include the description and/or name of at least one product. Must be at least 150 words.

Hi, I'm Louie Garrett of the Seattle Riot. Have you ever had an inflamed asshole? Well I have and I'm here to tell you that the days of inflamed assholes are over with Louie Garrett's Asshole Cream Plus. Asshole Cream Plus has a whole bunch of stuff in it that will be sure to make your asshole feel good. With my new cream I never have an inflamed asshole and that lets me play at the top of my game 100% of the time. So if you need to be at the top of your game, but your asshole is keeping you down... get Louie Garrett's Asshole Cream Plus!

And now, I am proud to announce that Louie Garrett's Asshole Cream Plus has become the OFFICIAL asshole cream of the Simulation Hockey League. Our partnership is bound to bring great feeling assholes all around the league!

Get my cream in your asshole today!

Available at all participating stores.

monkey10pts · 09-25-2018, 10:32 AM

Hi there, I'm James Dekens. I play as a rookie third line center for the Manhattan Rage in the Simulation Hockey League. I'm here to tell you all about one of my personal favorite products from pharmaceutical giant, Pfizer today. I have erectile dysfunction and this tiny little pill, Viagra, is a life saver for me during my late night drunken Tinder adventures. Sure I have plenty of money, but you still have to please for someone to stick around. Okay, lets be real, no you don't but, you can find it just about anywhere locally, and it's not expensive. When you're feeling down, pick up a pack of Viagra and get back up. Trust me, I know how to score, look at my rookie campaign stats. I'm feeling good right now, I'm scoring on a nightly basis, so why shouldn't you?

150 words

Zombiewolf · 09-25-2018, 11:22 AM

We apologize for interrupting your regular programming of Switched at Birth to bring you this important message.

Does your butt itch? Does your butt smell? Or does your butt sweat like Niagara Falls? I know mines sure does. Hi, my name is Charles Walker defender of your local SHL team the Buffalo Stampede and I am please to inform you of my new product Anti Itch, Smell, and Sweat Butt Cream or AISSB Cream for short. AISSB Cream has saved my life, no longer do I have such an itchy butt and it is simple to use. Simply put a little bit on your butt and rub, it is that easy.

**Insert a list of side effects super fast**
Warning AISSB might cause severe burning, scaring and bleeding from your butt. It also has a chance to cause lactation. Consult your doctor if you are overweight before using AISSB Cream.

Thank you Brandon, Fish, GeckoeyGecko, Karey, Kit, takethehorizon, and Ragnar for the sigs!
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Player Page || Update page

Grapehead · 09-25-2018, 11:40 AM

Professional hockey is a demanding sport, and Charlie Schieck works hard to be at the top of his game, but when Charlie wants to treat himself he goes to Poutine Centrale.

“That’s right, I love poutine! There is nowhere else I’d rather go for quality poutine than Poutine Centrale!”

[Image: tumblr_o4xk70zn1L1qdbe91o1_400.gif]

[Image: tumblr_o4xk70zn1L1qdbe91o1_400.gif]

“Coach says I should lay off the poutines since I seem to be playing a lot worse this season, but I can’t resist Poutine Centrale! They’re conveniently located, and cook your poutine right in front of you, just the way you want it! Plus, they’re very discreet, which means what coach doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” *wink*

Mention this ad when you order, and receive two4one poutine on your next visit. Come on down to Poutine Centrale, and you can dine like your Montreal Militia Militia

Poutine Centrale is the official poutine of the SMJHL and Montreal Militia

*Flowseidon* · 09-25-2018, 01:20 PM

Rent Prices got you down? Well head on down to Bart’s Box Bargain Bin! We’ve got all your needs to live in our fantastic box lodgings on our compound! Our generously sized starting condo boxes can be yours with a small downpayment of $500,000. These will give you a great place to stay and allow you to be able to go afford you avocado toast for brunch!

Just take it from promising San Francisco Pride prospect, Jeff Brogen.

“Hi Everyone, I’m Jeff Brogen, and housing can be expensive. Take it from me, that Bart’s Box Bargain Bin is all that you’ll be able to afford. Just look at me. Since moving in with my randomly assigned roommate, I’ve been able to buy my own clothes, instead of pawing through the lost and found at the hockey rinks I’ve been playing at”

Cut to awkward shot of Jeff with thumbs up

That’s right folks, even your favourite players for the Pride are just going bonkers over Bart’s Box Bargain Bin. Call now for your chance to win a meet and greet dinner with Jeff, on your expense of course

Faded shout from Jeff “Please feed me”

Beaty · 09-25-2018, 01:56 PM

Hi, it's your favourite 2nd line SMJHL center Carlo Russo. Ever since moving to North America, I have noticed that there are lots of great things here that I didn't have back in Italy. Obviously hockey is better, but so are things like the fans and television. But do you want to know one thing that isn't better? The Italian food! One thing I hate is that there is no authentic Italian restaurants, so should I said there wasn't. Introducing Russo's Itallerina. Featuring the finest of fine Italy cuisine. All my ingredients are imported straight from Italy and then prepared by my team of chefs who all have a background in Italian food. Don't forget that every Saturday is fan appreciation day! Show up wearing your Whalers jersey to receive 25% off your whole meal! It's a deal you don't want to miss, so come on down to Russo's Itallerina.

[159 Words]

JT3 · 09-25-2018, 03:16 PM

Credits to OrbitingDeath, Tweedle, Incite, Wasty, and Slothfacekilla for sigs!

Player Profile | Update Page

ml002 · 09-25-2018, 03:32 PM

"Do you have trouble getting your car out of deep snowdrifts the winter? Do you often find yourself ill prepared for the tough conditions that the winter months bring to the greater Toronto area? Then I have the solution for you! Hi, I'm Mikhail Lokitonov of the Toronto North Stars, and I've been in your position more than a few times since moving to Toronto. The hellish winds that blow snow all round the city, boxing cars into spots and making it impossible to escape without four-wheel drive. That's why I got together with an elite group of snow moving specialists to find a solution, and I think we have just the product for you! Mika's Mini Snow Shovel! While this might look just like your ordinary mini snow shovel, it's actually much more! The heated end of the shovel helps you make quick work of even the largest snow drifts and even allows you to melt black ice you might find! Get your Mika's Mini Snow Shovel today at your local Tim Horton's today!"

Credit to Copenhagen, Wasty, FlappyGiraffe, InciteHysteria, and caltroit_red_flames
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