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*leviadan* · 05-15-2020, 04:25 PM

1053 Words - Double Draft Media - Ready for Grading

Hello, sports fans! Today I plan to rank my top five season 54 SMJHL draftees based on arbitrary criteria.

Do I have any qualifications to be doing this? No. Do I keep up with prospects enough to even be mildly informed? No. Is this is definitive list? Yes.

So what are we going to be taking into account when we select our top five prospects? A little algorithm I like to call DUT-HISTA, also known as the Rammstein Coefficient, meaning Discussion, Updates, Timing, and Have I Seen Them Around. How much discussion has this user's player page generated, have they done an update or two, when did they create*, and have I seen them chatting about the forums. Using this criteria and a little bit of fancy behind the scenes math, my computer is going to spit out my top five prospects. I will then slide their slippery names around until I get an order that I'm pleased with. Before we get started, let's take a look at this chart:

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Excellent.

Oh! Here we go! My computer just coughed and five soaking wet prospects landed on my desk. Let's dig into it.

*It's worth noting that my algorithm heavily weighted creating on 4/20. Sadly it was weighted so heavily that it completely and truly fucked my stats. They're so thoroughly fucked I had to start over, and I won't be giving any weight to creating on 4/20 despite it being very funny.

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#5 Johnny Shuffleboard - RD @mee

Discussion: Twenty two replies and close to 500 views on a player creation thread? Hard to deny the magnitude of this creation. 10/10

Updates: Thorough and professional. 10/10

Timing: April 17th is also the day that Giovanni da Verrazzano reached New York harbor. Not exactly the most exciting day. 2/10.

HISTA: Sometimes? 3/10.

Overall: I like what I'm seeing out of Johnny. In a league that seems to be chock full of big bodied American boys, it's nice to see a small guy on the back end with a bit of speed and skill. As far as I'm concerned every prospect on this list deserves to go first overall, Johnny especially, and if all of them don't it'll be a deep disappointment. Johnny and everyone to follow is going to be a steal. That's a Sulfurgold guarantee™.

DUT-HISTA Rating: 0.723

#4 Am Sory - RW @soryantyler

Discussion: Eight replies and nearly 300 views? A bit above average. 6/10

Updates: None that I could find. 0/10

Timing: April 23rd is also the day that Coke changed its formula and released New Coke. That's a reason to be sorry if you ask me. 3/10.

HISTA: Not even once. 0/10.

Overall: A being of pure offence, Am Sory looks like they could be a good pickup for anyone that needs a few goals. In a league that seems to be chock full of small, skilled players, it's nice to see a big bodied American boy that can contribute in the offensive zone. You might look at these scores and say, why is this guy even ranked? Good question. I am sory.

DUT-HISTA Rating: 0.803

#3 Blip Blop - LD @ThatDamnWookiee

Discussion: Seven replies and around 250 views. Once again, on the better side of average. 6/10

Updates: A solid attempt. 5/10.

Timing: April 21st is also the day that Australian labour activists marched for an 8 hour work day. I love labour rights. 10/10.

HISTA: A little bit. And the avatar is so, so good. 9/10.

Overall: A balanced Fin, Blip Blop is going to make waves in the J, I can feel it. What new player comes to the league with such a responsible initial build? Just an incredible act of selflessness and a pure display of team first attitude. I'm going to bat for you, Blip. You didn't ask for this, but don't let me down.

DUT-HISTA Rating: 0.844

#2 Chris Goodname - RD @kikish18

Discussion: Only five replies but very close to 300 views. People are curious about this kid, but too scared to talk. 4/10

Updates: An iron-clad understanding of the concept of updating. 10/10.

Timing: April 20th is both hilarious but also the day that Jacques Cartier began his first voyage to Canada. 11/10.

HISTA: No, but they have been around since 2013. 8/10.

Overall: Being the first Canadian that my computer spit out has huge advantages, such as catapulting you to second on this definite list. A defense man in name only, Goodname is going to use that good body to get around the rink and generate some good shots. Would be a great fit on a team that's lacking in good and finished near the bottom last year.

DUT-HISTA Rating: 0.934

#1 Jöörgüštrâäd DuBølk - LD @MCP_

Discussion: Sixteen replies and over 300 views. Whew lad. 8/10

Updates: Is nice. 10/10.

Timing: May 11th is also the day that Deep Blue beat Kasparov in chess. It was time for humans to be knocked down a peg. 10/10

HISTA: No, but I have just discovered that they're a GM. So... 10/10?

Overall: The accents per 60 is off the charts with this one. One of the biggest kids I've ever laid eyes on, I just don't know how this guy doesn't go first overall along with the other four players I've noted. A big Swede with an eye for the defensive end, Jöörgüštrâäd rounds out a defense heavy top five.

DUT-HISTA Rating: 0.969

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There you have my comprehensive and definitive breakdown of the top five SMJHL eligible draftees. When we do a redraft in 6 months you'll all see how right I was, and when that time comes let me just say in advance: no I will not release the proprietary math behind the Rammstein Coefficient. I haven't accomplished much in my short life, so what little I have I need to protect.

I'm sorry if you didn't make the list, but the DUT-HISTA algorithm is constantly shifting. Much like the top engineers at Google can't tell you exactly why Youtube suggests you the videos that it does, I can't tell you why the DUT-HISTA system prefers some prospects over others. That being said it is 100% effective and is always right, so I guess you'll just have to improve if you want to make the list next time around.

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MCP_ · 05-15-2020, 04:37 PM

suck it @WannabeFinn

dankoa · 05-15-2020, 04:41 PM

wowzers

SlashACM · 05-15-2020, 05:49 PM

No way ThatDamnWookie has a name like that and isn't fairly familiar with the shl

kikish18 · 05-16-2020, 05:42 AM

Very interesting and enjoying approach SAu!

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