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SAwful · 07-30-2020, 01:02 PM

Nothing is more brutal when it comes to the bleeding edge of competitiveness than the SHL. In a game of inches anything you can do to be a little better than the competition is critical, and Gabe Johnson shared the secret to his success on Tuesday.

Think back to every single time you saw Johnson play. Every pass. Each goal. Perhaps there are moments you’ll remember forever. He did them all with a raging boner. Call this discussion crass, but we need to have it. Did taking a pill to enhance Gabe’s johnson really give him an edge on the ice? Did one of the SHL’s best defenders actually take performance enhancing drugs?

It’s important to understand exactly what erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra do to the human body in order to evaluate whether this is a something that could actually help in sports. Sildenafil (the generic name for Viagra and Revatio) works as a vasodilator, which in layman’s terms dilate the blood vessels to improve blood flow. For the purposes of erectile dysfunction, it’s easy to see why this would be of importance, but there is evidence of athletes using Sildenafil, with the belief it would assist on the ice.

In 2008 it was reported that Roger Clemens routinely took Viagra before games when he was a member of the Yankees. Victor Conte, central figure in the infamous BALCO scandal, said “all my athletes take it,” when probed. Conte called it one of the most important performance enhancing drugs available, and at the time Sildenafil was not banned by any major sporting league. In fact, as of the time of writing, Sildenafil is still not on the list of the SHL’s banned substances.

Your knee-jerk reaction (and honestly, mine as well) is to assume there’s no way erectile dysfunction drugs can actually help on the ice, and if they did, then they’d surely be banned. However, there is evidence that Conte was correct, and that Sildenafil really does give athletes an unfair edge. A 2006 study found that Sildenafil vastly improved the aerobic output of athletes during acute hypoxia (the body being starved of oxygen). Researchers found that performance was drastically increased among cyclists who took Sildenafil at altitude, compared with those who didn’t. However, the study also showed that the drug had little effect when used in an environment where athletes had access to normal oxygen levels. This makes it difficult to know definitively whether or not the drug has an effect in an SHL environment, but we do know that hockey players are routinely subjected to oxygen deprivation during games, which is why short (>2 minute) shifts are the norm.

There is (probably, maybe?) one reliable example we can use to determine if Johnson really gained an edge thanks for Viagra: Games played in Colorado. The Raptors InGen Arena is the highest elevation stadium in the SMJHL, sitting 5,280 feet above sea level. If Johnson were to excel anywhere because of his Viagra usage, it’s here. Sadly, we don’t care enough about Gabe to actually look at his historical statistics playing against Colorado in the SMJHL, but we’re more than sure the results aren’t encouraging.

There are a lot of variables at play here, however the evidence probably doesn’t support Johnson playing near to his career averages when in Denver, as one would expect if he had a large edge from using performance enhancing drugs. A lack of effort and a near 0 sample size is our biggest enemy to really getting the truth. Maybe he just liked taking boner pills?

In the end did Viagra really turn Gabe Johnson into a better defenseman? We might not know. Thankfully there are memes to help us better understand the situation though.

***frithjofr*** · 07-30-2020, 01:03 PM

I was his supplier in Anchorage, feel free to contact me at [email protected] for any press inquiries.

***Ragnar*** · 07-30-2020, 01:06 PM

Greatest title of a media article in SHL history.

Sigs by Me, Merica, High Stick King, Rum_Ham, Jess, vulfzilla, enigmatic, and Carpy

❤!! RIP to the big homies 701 and Mac !!❤

***bluesfan55*** · 07-30-2020, 01:07 PM

beautiful

ty to @High Stick King @EvilAllBran and @Ragnar for the sigs

SAwful · 07-30-2020, 01:07 PM

07-30-2020, 01:03 PMfrithjofr Wrote: I was his supplier in Anchorage, feel free to contact me at [email protected] for any press inquiries.

***Acsolap*** · 07-30-2020, 01:07 PM

What a scoop. Will head office have the balls to ban Gabe indefinitely?

Credit to Ml002, King, Wasty, Carpy, Bruins10, Rum_Ham, Turd Ferguson, Ragnar and Enigmatic for the sigs.
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***honkerrs*** · 07-30-2020, 01:15 PM

HAM cheating again? what else is new

***sköldpaddor*** · 07-30-2020, 01:47 PM

Skeleton Party · 07-30-2020, 01:56 PM

does a goal count if you hit the puck with a baseball swing of your turgid member

***Faelax*** · 07-30-2020, 02:00 PM

Investigative journalism at it's finest right here

dmills3 · 07-30-2020, 02:17 PM

Us here in Hamilton do not support Gabriel Johnson’s actions and will be refusing to ever play a game with him again. I guess this explains why he’s always hard in the locker room... we always just thought he swung from the other side of the plate.

***hockeyiscool*** · 07-30-2020, 02:32 PM

Wow, the SHN and BHN really missed out on this scoop.

Rindiee · 07-30-2020, 02:32 PM

whats wrong with a hard cock

JSS · 07-30-2020, 03:36 PM

Gabe Johnson should try BlueChew next.

***hotdog*** · 07-30-2020, 03:54 PM

you wouldn't know it by looking at his bulge, if you can even call it that

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