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Spidey's Draft Recap (2x Draft Media)
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spideyRegistered S8, S9 Challenge Cup Champion
11-21-2023, 11:27 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-22-2023, 12:46 AM by spidey. Edited 1 time in total.)
It is time once again for everyone’s favorite time of year, no I am not talking about Christmas. Who cares about Thanksgiving…that is for my American friends out there. It is time once again for Spidey to critique each draft pick with open and honest feedback. You should take all of this very seriously as I have a habit of being 100% correct in everything I say here, time and again being right while all the SHL GM are typically wrong. (Do not take this seriously at all, please enjoy for a laugh).
Round 1 As is tradition, round one had a number of hopefuls and likely to bes lined up in this draft. GMs had the opportunity to restock their prospect cupboards with fantastic options that could become franchise centerpieces moving forward. But as per normal, my hopes and expectations were crushed by terrible choices and ignoring red flags. 1. Calgary Dragons  - Frøya Solberg – NaomiMannequeenI have a lot of respect and admiration for Boom and her job as a GM…until this pick. Now it looks like the plan is to tank for the next 10 seasons after selecting Frøya first overall! While she is a good player, there were soooo many other options you could have gotten with the franchise altering pick. 2. Manhattan Rage  - Céleste Desjardins – skyrrhawkThe Rage have been known in the past to pick names that play up to their team’s name. Mayhem, Graves, Jagrbomb, Nickelback. Now they have gone with Desjardins…I guess since none of the other good names worked you might as well pick something completely different in hopes of better results. 3. Seattle Argonauts  - Will Tomlander – roastpuffI don’t even know who you are…soooo, congrats…? Just to keep it simple terrible pick. Moving on. 4. Montreal Patriotes  - Peanut – ChevyOh, come on! This is like the most Vanilla pick in the draft. You could have gone for a home run and selected a young up and coming future franchise piece. Instead you picked the safe play, the guy who will bat .300 and get on base once a game. Selecting a 2nd line player at best. (I love you Chevy, don’t hate me). 5. Tampa Bay Barracuda  (via  ) - Dag-Otto Björntjänst – KenvaldClearly your real job is to sell the letter consonants needed for the back of team jerseys to the SHL. Because there is no way that is your actual last name. If that is your job, congrats you will be rich, because there is no way you are getting rich in the SHL playing hockey with those skills. 6. Montreal Patriotes (via ) - Emil Karlsson – dankoaYou know he played for Detroit before coming to you right…that is like picking a used condom to ensure you do not have a baby. Sure it will get the job done but do you really want to use that? Really should have use this pick on someone else, Montreal I would also get tested. 7. Seattle Argonauts (via :barracude: , via  ) - Squidwardo Tentacles - TheOPSquid Damn it, two sex jokes back to back, but I can’t avoid this one. You really missed an opportunity in a very select pornographic market by becoming a SHL player. Disappointed in this pick and this players choice in lifestyle. 8. Winnipeg Aurora  (via  ) - Juan Tymer - ThePyroAlpaca I would do anything for Jaun, yes I would do anything for Jaun, I would do anything for Juan, but I won’t pick him at 8. Maybe like 32 or somewhere in there. Winnipeg was reaching on this one. 9. Minnesota Monarchs  - Bartholomew Chungus Gingersnap III – thedangazoneHow the hell does the second best earner in this draft class, WHICH IS A DEFENSEMAN, who we all know are worth their weight in GOLD, fall to 9th overall?!?!? Clearly he has murdered someone, and the other GMs found out. Minnesota you may have to deal with the legal drama with this player, I hope he is worth it…clearly not. 10. New England Wolfpack  (via  ) - Teal'c – DELIRIVMAAAAAND we go from someone picked way to late, to someone who over preformed in juniors and was picked way to early. New England keeping up the tradition of picking players way to early for their actual talent level… 11. Buffalo Stampede  (via  ) - Sergey Ivanov – ArcticNot realizing it, but that was just a run on defensemen, and as usual Buffalo is left taking home the leftovers. Hey we can’t all get the 10’s Buffalo decided to settle on a 6….ok 6 and a half. 12. Calgary Dragons (via ) - Sonja Solberg – TsunnyWell at least the parties in Calgary will be fun having Norwegian Twins there (Like 3rd place in the European hot twins’ rankings)….actually thinking about it, TRADE ME TO CALGARY DAMN IT! As for hockey, well it could be terrible for a while with picks like this, but still Norwegian twins! 13. Chicago Syndicate  – Cal Juice - caltroit_red_flames…eww, This is the after effect of the Squidwardo Tentacle porns, I don’t want to be a part of it. Cal Juice… 14. Minnesota Monarchs (via  ) - Gordon-William Gibbles – SpartanGibblesA top 30 talent at 14th overall. What the hell happened here? Did you lose a bet and have to pick him at 14th overall? 15. Montreal Patriotes (via  ) - Mikkel Enevoldsen - Rabidsponge21Arguably this was a great pick, it is unfortunate you are heading to Montreal, pretty much ensuring you have already reached the pinnacle of your career with their training and coaching. Sorry. 16. Atlanta Inferno  - Paul Bondage – CaptainCamelYou and Squidwardo should team up when your time in the SHL is complete. Paul Bondage and Squidwardo Tentacles in strapped down hotel. IT SELLS ITSELF! Good news, showing both your talents that time could be coming soon! (Don’t invite Cal Juice…ewww) 17. Winnipeg Aurora :auroa: (via , via ) - Langston Hardison-Laurent – JexterLaddy can I call you Laddy? Ok well Laddy, you are going to Winnipeg! That is the good news. The bad, just as you become relevant in the SHL, the Winnipeg Aurora will no longer be relevant. But hey, at least you are a first round pick, so that is cool. 18. New England Wolfpack - Troy McClure IIII - Troy_McClure03You may remember him from such films as Thrash’em II or The Spy Who Wasn’t, what you will never remember him for is his hockey career. 19. Philadelphia Forge  - Marek Carda – ibuprofenaddictAlso from Detroit…see earlier comments (6th overall pick Emil Karlsson). Also, nowhere near as talented as Karlsson, soooo maybe consider him a smaller condom in this situation. 20. Philadelphia Forge (via  ) - Leonard Wood - MuNK22(INSERT SQUIDWARDO PORN JOKE HERE) Also not talented at hockey. Round 2 With a disappointing round one in the books, we look to round two with renewed hopes and dreams. Just like my life it was more of failed goals and a living nightmare. But hey, lets see what the rest draft shakes out like. 21. Manhattan Rage - Roger Murdock – MazattI prefer Mattlock for crime fighting lawyers over Murdock. Just like I prefer talented hockey players with second round picks. 22. New Orleans Specters (via ) - Cracker Pizza – PattyJust know they drafted you not based on any sort of talent you have, you don’t. They drafted you because it was cheaper to get a pizza than pay a fair wage or help with working conditions, because who needs those things when management gives you a Pizza Party! 23. Seattle Argonauts - Shadow Fenix – ShadowFenixI love the name! That is only good thing I am going to say about you. 24. Calgary Dragons - Oranj Konhe - Esso2264Orange Cone sounds like the ice cream flavor you give to kids when you want them to be sad. Oranj Konhe is the player you draft when you want your fans to be sad. 25. Toronto North Stars - Mac Griddle -mcgriddleluverI see we are going for our own version of the Phil Kessel diet among SHL players. Hey if Hotdogs can produce a top tier Ironman scoring talent in the NHL, why can’t the McGriddle do it in the SHL. OOOH wait you need some natural talent to be able to do that. 26. Buffalo Stampede (via ) - Deep Thought – Vulfzilla…do I really need to say it again? Squidwardo this one is all yours. 27. Minnesota Monarchs (via ) - Simo Jääskeläinen - ec06aajI think he has more A’s in his name than he has assists in juniors. Never a good sign. 28. New Orleans Specters - Ace Guilded – ArcalegionNew Orleans did not Ace this pick. More like a C- in talent, and a B- in personality. Overall I would say he is a solid C, not good, but hell it is still a passable grade. 29. Toronto North Stars (via ) - Denebor Milasch – CobbensteinDene means a bare, sandy tract or low hill near the sea, and bor means boring. You are bare and boring or as the rest of the league knows it, a typical Toronto pick. Also with that comes the expectations of never achieving anything and becoming a general disappointment. 30. New England Wolfpack (via ) - Jaxson Reaper – ViNMissed opportunity to be called Backdoor Reaper, which no one knows what it means, but it sounds erotic. Sad. 31. Los Angeles Panthers (via ) - Abdi Smokes – LocrianmidwestWhile no one here will judge you, being a smoker is lame. So are the Panthers, match made in heaven? Yeah probably, also both the player and specially the team suck so definitely a match made in heaven. 32. Buffalo Stampede - Johnny Patey V2 – JohnnyPateyWe are all doomed to repeat the mistakes of our past. As Johnny Patey V1 was a failure, V2 is doomed to the same fate. Starting off by getting drafted by Buffalo all but guarantees that. Good luck! 33. Chicago Syndicate – Leo Roze – vic03And Leo Roze did not rise, Leo Fell. But not nearly far enough, Still too early for this pick. 34. Calgary Dragons (via ) - Jerry Moonshine – grimgrumWait Calgary has Swedish Norwegian Twins and they have the booze! Damn it Calgary is drafting a great party! Hockey players terrible, but party amazing! 35. Los Angeles Panthers (via ) - Stun Gun - unconfident69Goalies do not matter! We have seen the Player versions of pylons win SHL championships. DO NOT WASTE PICKS ON GOALIES! Just purchase a cardboard cutout and place it in net. Stun Gun is pretty close to that cutout, however. 36. Calgary Dragons (via ) - Kaarlo Koivunen – JuhoNot too sure that this has to do with a party, it has nothing to do with hockey because once again this player can’t play. Kaarlo doesn’t sound like any kind of Party fun, a rare miss by Calgary. 37. Baltimore Platoon (via ) - Brandon Gilleyes - Mysterious_FishYou know if this was a teams, 5th or 6th pick it would make sense. But this was the Platoons first pick! Gilleyes is not a team’s first pick, he is the kind of player you take pity on and put out of his waiting misery after falling for 6 rounds. Sorry Platoon, another miss. 38. Montreal Patriotes (via ) - Rodrigo Banes – BenpachiA top 25 earner in this year’s draft! Picked at 38! By Montreal! This just goes to show you how terrible this draft really is. I know a lot of the “analysis” say this is a deep draft, but any other draft he would have been a top 60 earner at best. Terrible, just terrible. 39. Philadelphia Forge - Gewmba Stolemamoney – UberBJSomeone so bad at being a goalie he made a switch to center. I bet next year he will try defense because he is about to suck at something new this season. 40. Philadelphia Forge (via ) - Cob O'Corn – SloppyPainterIt feels like Cob O’Corn is hoping to be the only recognizable part of this shit draft, just like all corn when it becomes waste, but the truth is it is still feces , just like this pick. Round 3 I am burning out hard, feels like it is time to open up a NOPE round. Maybe I will be wrong, maybe I will be right. 41. Hamilton Steelhawks (via ) -Erno Joonas- RandominoeAt one point everyone figured Erno Joonas would be amazing, instead he is like the rest of the Jonas brothers, and it is a NOPE for me. 42. Toronto North Stars (via ) - Bog Damsel – honeyThis Damsel in distress is a NOPE of a pick. 43. Seattle Argonauts - Newton "Lizard" Campbell - Cambrigde_AHHH Lizard people walk among us. Also Lizards are cold blood there for terrible hockey players on ice. NOPE! 44. Calgary Dragons - Walter Melon - halanv3ntur3Watermelons can be used for both love making when warmed up just right. Or fill it with vodka for a delicious treat. Either way the party in Calgary keeps getting better! Not a nope of a person, just a nope of a player. 45. Toronto North Stars - Dwayne Swanson - RobJG2Dwayne Nopeson would have been a better choice. 46. Tampa Bay Barracuda - Average Dude – JollyjiggsAverage is just not good enough. Try being good for once. NOPE! 47. Toronto North Stars (via ) - Stormlord Imotekh – JoeSteelNo one knows you by your “outlaw name” Stormlord. Sorry Peter NOPE! 48. Los Angeles Panthers (via ) - Napoleon Dinklage – ChristopoleesNOPEoleon Dinklage is short shriveled and always to the left. 49. Minnesota Monarchs - Poiklm – PoiklmThe worst pokemon tries out for hockey, and he is still the worst. NOPE! 50. Minnesota Monarchs (via ) - Jimothee Penjiman – ThorNopity, nope, nope, on this pick! 51. Atlanta Inferno (via via ) - Tanner Pitts – TannerPittsTanner’s pits stink! So this is a NOPE from me. 52. Buffalo Stampede - Lucki Blackwood - NBerry9Lucki is not lucky, so NOPE! 53. Chicago Syndicate – Just Perfection – RealDealerDAMN IT! ONCE AGAIN GOALIES DON’T MATTER! NOPE! 54. Manhattan Rage (via ) – PassFINALLY, A PICK THAT MAKES SENSE! Still Manhattan should have picked someone better so NOPE! 55. Hamilton Steelhawks - PassHow the hell did Hamilton pass up on anyone, No one wants to go to Hamilton ever, it is the uneducated version of Toronto. Grab everyone you can to ensure something sticks. NOPE for you. 56. Montreal Patriotes (via ) - Nick Kodiak – PSUwithBigBlueShould have gone with a Grizzly to get real bear power, Kodiaks are wussies. NOPE 57. New Orleans Specters (via ) - Benny Hanna - nahbruh123Benny Hanna is a Benny Haha and New Orleans get a NOPE for this terrible pick. 58. New England Wolfpack - PassJust Nope, that is all. 59. Philadelphia Forge - Fedot Fedorov – NoLimitxUziiFedot Fedorov is just off… wait for it, al, he is awful. Actually he could be Offal too, and he is a NOPE! 60. Edmonton Blizzard - PassEdmonton you are just not good enough to Pass. I know you won a cup. First time in like 50+ seasons. Enjoy your moment in the Sun. But this pick is a NOPE! Round 4 Wait there are more picks…son of a bitch! I am running out of material here. I am skipping the passes at this point, just left over picks…please be the last round. 61. Manhattan Rage - PassMeh 62. Montreal Patriotes - sabage cabage – icydiceSabage Cabage makes me sad, also Cabage sucks so terrible. 63. Seattle Argonauts - PassSeen better choice before. 64. Calgary Dragons - Austin Dodd – WetzkyForGretzkyStone Cold says WHAT!? With this terrible pick. 65. Toronto North Stars - Yves D'Odeur – funkWait another goalie?! Ugh when will teams learn! 66. Tampa Bay Barracuda - Meo Vanbiesbrouck – DhoopThis is what happens when your parents put your name on a random generator, and you lose in life. Just like the Barracuda when they pick you. 67. San Francisco Pride - PassWhooo! Great choice Pride. What someone has to nail it! 68. New Orleans Specters - Icee Richradson – IceeBreaksTheSHLIce, Ice baby! Feels like you are a one hit wonder that will never reach the same level of fame as you have right now…sad you topped out at 68th overall in the season 74 draft. 69. Minnesota Monarchs - Brandon Strongstick - Dynamicmlb_42SQUIDWARDO WE GOT ANOTHER ONE! 70. Texas Renegades - Pierre Mailloux - Wind SavonAnyone named Pierre is terrible. Sorry but you know it is true. 71. Baltimore Platoon - Future Considerations – ZetterbergMaybe with this pick they can use it for a better option in the future. 72. Buffalo Stampede - PassYay, almost at the end! 73. Chicago Syndicate - PassThank god fewer picks! 74. Los Angeles Panthers - PassWhy did you keep this pick?! You should have traded it. 75. Hamilton Steelhawks - Pass…. 76. Atlanta Inferno - Pablo IceCreamBar – PabloIceCreamBarZzzzzz….huh what wait there was a pick! Oooooh Pablo IceCreamBar, the Cuban equivalent of Pass. 77. Winnipeg Aurora - Pass…. 78. New England Wolfpack - PassZzzzzz 79. Philadelphia Forge - PassPlease no more picks… 80. Edmonton Blizzard - PassPlease no more picks…. Round 5 SON OF A BITCH! WHO PICKED, WHO DID IT! I will take that Mother F’er to the back parking lot and teach them a thing or two… 81. Manhattan Rage - Pass82. Montreal Patriotes - Joulu Kuusi - Derry7Kuusi is a wussy, and a terrible pick, and why Montreal, why? 83. Seattle Argonauts - Pass84. Calgary Dragons - Pass85. Toronto North Stars - Pass86. Tampa Bay Barracuda - Masataka Ninomiya – TheWoZYNinomiya is a No way no how. 87. San Francisco Pride - Fred Bread - pure_bread_fredAgain, with a terrible…ahem *cough, cough* fantastic pick by the Pride! A sure fire future Hall of Famer in the making. 88. New Orleans Specters - Pass89. Minnesota Monarchs - Pass90. Texas Renegades - Pass91. Baltimore Platoon - Pass92. Buffalo Stampede - Pass93. Chicago Syndicate - Pass94. Los Angeles Panthers - Pass95. Hamilton Steelhawks - Pass96. Atlanta Inferno - Pass97. Toronto North Stars (via ) - Pass98. New England Wolfpack - Pass99. Philadelphia Forge - Pass100. Edmonton Blizzard - Pass106. Tampa Bay Barracuda - Shawn Pawn – hockeyiscoolThese 126. Tampa Bay Barracuda - Tony Blundetto – FurioAre 146. Tampa Bay Barracuda - Temetrius Jamel “Ja” Morant Wick -ScrizzTerrible 166. Tampa Bay Barracuda - Dontavius sturdy- DontaviusPicks 186. Tampa Bay Barracuda - David Grimes- DaPsychicWHY 206. Tampa Bay Barracuda - Exotic Dummy-Bobby bobTAMPA! And with that the draft is complete with a perfect breakdown of each pick all the way through. Unfortunately, this draft like so many others seem to have fallen short in expectations and what will likely happen. Well, I guess there is always next year. Good luck to all the draft picks in your reach for mediocrity. Calgary I am coming for the party! (I hope I made you laugh) ![[Image: Ak8rQKy.png?width=675&height=375]](https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/1086360707303489571/1097935215311200416/Ak8rQKy.png?width=675&height=375) Sig by Lazyeye
![[Image: image.png?width=600&height=300]](https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/1086360707303489571/1109630983558402178/image.png?width=600&height=300) Sig by DaBoot
 
PapaSorinIIHF Head Office Posting Freak
spideyRegistered S8, S9 Challenge Cup Champion
DELIRIVMRegistered Posting Freak
The earlier I am drafted the earlier I retire seems to be the running trend. NEW has made a grave mistake.
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Troy_McClure03Registered Raptors Captain and Czech Janitor
Great article spider
Question, do the awards on the page have a way to turn them, or have you not won a cup since season 9? What was it like watching the simmers put the dot matrix papers into the auto sheet feeder like? Did you have to mail your player updates to a PO box? ![[Image: TROYMCCLURE.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/TROYMCCLURE.gif) Colorado Raptors Capitan S42-Until Forever! Czechia Wants you! Ask about a transfer!!
spideyRegistered S8, S9 Challenge Cup Champion
11-22-2023, 08:27 AM
(This post was last modified: 11-22-2023, 08:36 AM by spidey. Edited 1 time in total.)
11-22-2023, 07:16 AMTroy_McClure03 Wrote: Great article spider Great questions. This is my first time back since Season 23, i think. So no I haven't won a cup since season 9. Bit apparently my inactive won a cup in season 24...who knew! Simming was way better back in the play by play days...sometimes. The PO box was system worked fantastic with priority mail, but those who used regular postal service often fell behind. Next question. Sig by Lazyeye
Sig by DaBoot
ec06aajRegistered Senior Member
spideyRegistered S8, S9 Challenge Cup Champion
TheOPSquidTrading Card Team Senior Member
Who said I wasn't involved in that market? Phenomenal performance on and off the ice
![[Image: TheOPSquid.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/TheOPSquid.gif) ]
TsunnyRegistered Member
This is peak analysis lmao. Loved it.
Ps.: You're more than welcome to the Calgary party
Troy_McClure03Registered Raptors Captain and Czech Janitor 11-22-2023, 08:27 AMspidey Wrote: Great questions. This is my first time back since Season 23, i think. So no I haven't won a cup since season 9. Bit apparently my inactive won a cup in season 24...who knew! Welcome back! You plan on slinging webs for a good time, a long time, or a long good time? Also I won an IA cup too, does that make us like IA cousins or something? Colorado Raptors Capitan S42-Until Forever! Czechia Wants you! Ask about a transfer!!
spideyRegistered S8, S9 Challenge Cup Champion
11-22-2023, 02:15 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-22-2023, 02:36 PM by spidey. Edited 1 time in total.)
11-22-2023, 10:23 AMTroy_McClure03 Wrote: Welcome back! You plan on slinging webs for a good time, a long time, or a long good time? Clearly I am swinging for a good time...but it is not a long time. I am told girls prefer it that way. 100% it does! Hopefully kissing cousins, the best kind. 
Sig by Lazyeye
Sig by DaBoot
JexterSMJHL HO Fantasy Flame Out
I was Expecting to get ripped more. Fun read, Spidey.
![[Image: lhlsigv2.jpg?ex=65cd244a&is=65baaf4a&hm=...5a69dcac4&]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/948005238806282301/1202351710396481666/lhlsigv2.jpg?ex=65cd244a&is=65baaf4a&hm=9a7a31bf760fc9851cf3ff9c7976f3eb11d690cd5e291d6e25638f55a69dcac4&) Shoutout TheOPSquid for the Sig
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