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spidey · 11-27-2023, 04:18 PM

Deep within the bowels of the Toronto North Stars rink there is a hallway that has no lights. There is a lone torch hanging from left wall, it is unlit. If you are foolish enough to just walk down this hallway without lighting the torch you will without doubt fall victim to one of the many hidden traps within this long darkened hallway.

“I turn on my phone’s flashlight.”

…well fine. You notice a narrow walkway that snakes its way down the length of the passage. As you make your way through the narrow walkway either side has an open pits that you can see the tips of spikes poking up. Most tiles along the path are plain, but there are those with images of skulls, arrows and what looks to be the WHIMS symbol for corrosion on them.

“I avoid the ones with images by walking over them, or jumping if I have too.”

Give me an acrobatics roll.

“Nat 20.”

….DAMN… I mean good. You get to the other side and see a black door with no handle on it.

“I knock on the door.”

…you aren’t going to search around first look for a secret lever and get frustrated when there is none?

“Nope, I knock.”

I set up trap after trap and puzzle after puzzle and you just…The door swings open and there is a long spiral staircase that leads down into the earth.

“I follow it down.”

Very well, as you climb further and further down you start to hear voice coming from the bottom of the staircase. They seem deep in discussion and argument.

“I try to sneak quietly down further; can I see where they are coming from?”

Roll a steal check…

“Nat 20.”

ARE THOSE DICE LOADED OR SOMETHING!!!

“Nah, just rolling hot tonight.”

I will say. Very well, you manage to near the bottom of the steps and notice a wide open board room. There are white boards with various team names, leagues, numbers, and dates written on each. There is a Challenge Cup Championship circled a few times with a big question mark beside it and a multiple teams have arrows pointing towards it.

“Can I see if there is a place for me to hide? I rolled a nat 20 on a search check.”

…

“What?”

Fine you find a few boxes piled in the corner, it will give you plenty of cover and you can see and hear everything. Preform and acrobatics check and move silently check. Let me guess …NAT 20…

“No, 18 on acrobatics, but with my plus 4 it is a 22, and a nat 20 on move silently.”

You make it. You find a comfortable spot and you start to recognize the voices as they speak with space between boxes to peak.

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Rangerjase:
Come on guys the new league year is about to start and we haven’t even decided on who will finish where in the regular season standings yet!

WannabeFinn:
I think it would be better to decide the SHL Challenge Cup Championship and work backwards from there. And I think this is the year for an underdog to win it all!

Skoldpaddor:
You always want an underdog. How many times do I have to tell you we can’t make the script to obvious. The rest of the league would lose their minds if they knew there was no simulator at all, and we just decide on how season runs.

Wannabefinn gets up and walks over to the white board. Picks up a red marker and starts to write.

WannabeFinn:
Aww come on, just one time I want to see the worst team in the league have a perfect record and win the Challenge Cup. Can you imagine it? Manhattan Rage, 66 – 0 – 0. It would be amazing; the league would stand there in bewilderment and continue to blame “the simulator” and say things like “FHM does what FHM wants to do.” It would be hilarious!

Rangerjase quickly gets up and erases the work on the white board that WannabeFinn has done.

Skoldpaddor:
SHHHH! Don’t say these moronic things, the Rage are not ready yet. And do you really want to make him upset? If he catches whispers of what you are suggesting, we could all be doomed.

DrukenTeddy:
Seriously, this needs to be decided soon. He will be here any minute to check in on our progress. You all remember what happened to Spangle when he did not appease him last time. It was a grim and terrible fate.

EVERYONE:
Never forget, never let him down.

Rangerjase:
Fine we will work backwards. The most logical choice for a Challenge Cup champion is the Edmonton Blizzard. They just won the cup. The team looks as good as last year with few suffering the effects of old age. I vote we give them the cup once more.

Leafs4ever:
I think we should pick the Texas Renegades…they are looking good this year..

Skoldpaddor:
No, no, no, we have discussed this. The Renegades won way too many championships when they were first created…blame Wasty on that. Now they have to wait 100 seasons as was the blood pack.

Leafs4ever:
Damn it, why did I even let myself get drafted there…

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Quick make a perception check!

“Ummm…20”

Oh ho, with a Negative to 5 for being distracted by the ongoing conversation! You don’t notice…

“No, I mean a nat 20, again.”

Damn it. Behind you coming down the staircase you see a dark figure, he… *rolls dice* …UGH! Walks right past you stumbles and falls running into Leafs4ever, crashing both of them through some whiteboards with an epic failure of a 1. He gets up brushes himself off and looks around the room.

“Do I recognize him?”

No, you don’t he is dressed in a cloak and his face is covered in shadow from the hood in this dim room.

“I rolled a nat 20 though…?”

You can’t see into the darkness.

“Well, I am half dark elf.”

NO, just NO, no you don’t, and you can’t make out his beautiful face, no one in the league knows who he is and will ever know. SHUT UP and let me continue.

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Mysterious Figure:
Damn it Leafs, don’t trip me up again. Look we crashed through the white boards and wrecked all your work.

Leafs4ever:
Sorry oh great one, it won’t happen again.

Wannabefinn: (whispers to Rangerjase)
Didn’t he fall into Leafs?

Rangerjase: (whispers back)
Shhh, do you want to be the focus of his anger?

Both nod in agreement to not speak of this.

Mysterious Figure:
I have come to see the progress on the league script for season 74. We are just days away from the preseason and not far from needing to sending out the play by play to each team. What have we come to expect with Season 74?

Everyone looks around the room nervously. The Mysterious Figure glances down at the crashed white boards and see nothing of note or direction on there.

Mysterious Figure:
Seriously! Again! You know we can’t allow the league to just run itself. We all remember what happened last time. Chaos! Lack of Control! Teams that did not offer tribute winning the cup… IT IS THE WHOLE REASON WE MADE THE SWITCH TO FHM TO BEGIN WITH!

DrukenTeddy:
Yes my dark lord we were just settling on who was to win the Challenge Cup.

Mysterious Figure:
I have always liked Chicago.

Skoldpaddor:
Oh dark one, a good choice, but remember Chicago still owes us for last time they won the cup with a blood debt yet to be repaid. Perhaps it is time for a…

Rangerjase:
A repeat! Picture it my lord, it has been a while since we last saw a true dynasty emerge within the SHL. Before last season’s win the Blizzard have not won since season 49. Plus, HFFO winning multiple cups would piss off the league and cause a stir, but it is believable enough that no one would question if they captured another 3 or so.

Skoldpaddor:
Or perhaps a more reasonable answer would be to give Edmonton a huge season maybe 55 wins. Truly making them the cup favorites. BUT they lose to the first round to another team that has no business winning. Maybe…Calgary which prompts Calgary to an impossible run to winning a cup!

Leafs4ever:
Or Texas

EVERYONE:
NO!

DrukenTeddy:
I had a dream; in the dream we saw a young up and coming Tampa Bay roster. They would just barely squeeze into the playoffs edging out Toronto for the final playoff spot. In the first round they would fall down 3 – 1 in the series before rallying back and winning it. The second saw them cruising past the competition as they beat their opponent, the Forge. Finally, they faced the best from the West, winning the Challenge Cup in 2nd overtime in game 7! A true longshot story and an epic finish. Plus, they are all paid up on their offerings at this point. Plus having a league banner with a Giant Penis on it would be HILARIOUS!

Mysterious Figure:
Hmmm.. this does please me. But I am still leaning towards Chicago. What about you Finn, do you have a suggestion?

Wannabefinn:
Oh, magnificent one. Just imagine how much you would piss of the league if we had the impossible dream come true. Manhattan preforms a perfect season going 66 – 0 and blazes through the playoffs to win it all! All the planning of every GM, the hard work of every player see it matter for nothing! It would be the greatest script in SHL history! MWHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHA

Mysterious Figure:
Wouldn’t everyone rage quit?

EVERYONE (except Finn)
YES!

Mysterious Figure:
No, we can’t have that, otherwise how would I get my gummy worm offerings. No, I see though we need something new, something no one expects.

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Do me a favor, you have been sitting there for a while now and your legs are body should be getting tried from squatting in an uncomfortable position. Give me an endurance check.

“…ugh 3…”

FINALLY! You fall out of the boxes as your legs give out. You are now staring at the most important group in the SHL as they stare back at you.

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Seany:
Uuuh... hey guys, how’s it going?

WannabeFinn:
God Damn it Seany, you scared the crap out of me!

Rangerjase:
Yeah, why didn’t you just come out and say hi earlier.

Mysterious Figure:
I nearly shit myself!

Skoldpaddor:
Umm, guys, Seany isn’t supposed to be here. HE KNOWS TOO MUCH! We must silence him!

Everyone starts to walk towards Seany except DrukenTeddy who walks over to a “just encase of emergency glass on the wall” breaks it and pulls out a hockey stick laced in barbwire, spike protruding out the sides and sickle where a wooden blade should be.

DrukenTeddy:
Hold him down I got the old Don Cherry ready to go.

Seany:
Wait! I have an idea! How about…Los Angeles? Now hear me out. They are strong enough of a team no one would complain if they managed to win it all, but they shouldn’t win the presidents trophy, they are not that good. They should be in competitive series throughout the playoffs. Sure, it has only been 9 seasons since we last won, but before that it was like season 17! We are due for a few wins. PLUS, we can pretty much role the regular season the same as last year as there has been no major movement in general talent in the league.

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Alright Seany roll a persuade check.

“Look who is back baby! NAT 20!”

Awww, I wanted to Don Cherry you, just like Izzy…maybe next year. *DM puts his own personal Don Cherry stick back on a display case*

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Skoldpaddor:
He kind of has a point. The league is still pretty stagnant for another year or so as the next wave of talent develops, and the older generation is still prominent. And it would kind of piss off the top of the league if they won, while giving the bottom members hope in a quick rebuild. Kind of solves all the issues at once.

Mysterious Figure:
Very well! Make it so.

Rangerjase:
What do we do about him? Don is itching for some blood!

Wannabefinn:
Seriously Jase, you and Teddy want to use that in every meeting. Put it back Teddy. We can just use the memory erase ray and send him on his way again this year, just like the last three seasons.

Seany:
Wait…what? No this is the first time I have come here.

Skoldpaddor:
Sure, it is Seany. Don’t worry this won’t hurt at all. Just look into this eye test machine.

*FLASH*

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And with that the league year has been decided, the regular season will play out much like last year with the same standings, presidents trophy winners, and similar records, but the Los Angeles Panthers will be the team to win the Challenge Cup.

“Hey thanks for the invite for this fun game James, but what was the point of it all? And why play a game of D&D based on the SHL and only have one player…it didn’t really make sense.”

I suppose n real point at all Seany, but the league thanks you for your help. Now do me a favor and look into this eye test machine…

*In another room peering through a one way glass Wannabefinn, Skoldpaddor, Rangerjase, DrukenTeddy, and Leafs4ever laugh as they circle the Panthers on a whiteboard and draw an arrow to the Challenge Cup, crossing out all other teams.*

Wannabefinn:
The dark lord is a genius get a league member to decide by playing “a game.” Only he could concoct a scheme this complex.

Skoldpaddor:
You know we wouldn’t have needed this stupid scheme if you just gave up on the “perfect season” you keep pitching every god damn year. Now let’s head back into Toronto and get the script out to the GMs so they know what to do next season.