Igor is desperate for money, so he asked a popular media firm to give him ninety-nine random questions. Somehow the media insisted on Capitalizing Every Word Like This, But Since It's 99 Questions, I'm Not Going Back To Lowercase Everything.

Here we go.

1. If You Had The World’s Attention For 30 Seconds, What Would You Say?

"Uh, hi. I don't know why you're listening to me - don't you have other better uses of your time, like saving the environment? Come on, quit your job and save the environment!"

2. If You Had To Work But Didn’t Need The Money, What Would You Choose To Do?

"I'd be a world-renowned chemist. I wouldn't find the cure for cancer, but maybe I'd find alternatives to things and we can postpone the extinction of our species from our own human waste products."

3. What Is In Your Fridge Right Now?

"Food."

4. If You Were Home On A Rainy Sunday Afternoon, What Movie Would You Most Want To See On Television?

"If training were cancelled? If it flooded to where I couldn't hike?"

Er, yeah.

"A solar system documentary. I love those. Honestly, they could improve a few of them, but for the amateur, I think they're well done. CGI could be better, though."

5. Where Do You Not Mind Waiting?

"The locker room. I don't mind waiting for my teammates to tie my skates."

6. If You Could Close One Fast Food Chain, Due To Disgusting Food, What Would You Pick?

"That one in Russia - I tried to get a job there at 17. Thankfully I wasn't hired."

7. If You Could Dis-Invent One Thing, What Would It Be?

"Shoelaces. These things have caused me the most grief."

8. If You Could Be A Member Of Any TV-Sitcom Family, Which Would It Be?

"Er, I don't really watch television in the way you describe?"

9. What Would Be The Best Thing About Not Having A Sense Of Smell?

"Garbage piles would be fun to jump in. I think. I've never tried that. If you killed my sense of smell now, I'd do it. And then take a shower afterward just in case."

10. Would You Leave Your Hometown Forever Or Stay In Your Hometown Forever?

"Leave. I'm happier here in Minnesota."

11. When Scrolling Through Social Media, Do You Prefer Posts From Celebrities Or From Your Best Friends?

"Both are toxic. I prefer posts from professionals in their field. It's always exciting to se what they're working on as well as the good old scientific debate some of them have. The battle over which hypothesis is true is my version of teenage drama."

12. Is There An App That You Hate But Use Anyways?

"My training app. It's almost unusable. I've been meaning to code a better one but I somehow can't set x to 5 in Python. I'd use pencil and paper... heck, why haven't I done so? You've given me a great idea!"

13. If You Could Only Speak One Word Today, What Would You Say?

"Help."

14. What Is The Stupidest Thing You’ve Done Because Someone Dared You To?

"I was dared to urinate on Geoff Moore's jersey @Leppish to assert dominance. I did it. I still don't think he has noticed."

15. What Is The Stupidest Thing You’ve Done On Your Own Free Will?

"I was synthesizing boot lace glue and I ended up in the hospital. Or the time I dropped Geoff from 2 kilometers and he was injured in the name of science. Fun times."

16. If You Could Lock Up One Person In A Mental Institution, Who Would It Be?

"Jon Forty-One @C9Van of course. There's something a bit off about him. Also Donald Trump. Who the hell elected him?"

17. What Part Of Your Body Could Use A Little Lotion?

Igor refuses to answer.

18. What Part Of The Human Face Is Your Favorite?

"The eyes are horribly creepy. They're not covered in skin. I could touch the outer part of your own eye right now and you'd be horrified."

19. Do You Do Dance Crazy When No One Is Looking?

"Everybody do the skate in place!" Igor gestures as if skating, but doesn't skate

20. What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?

"The Big Bang. Without it, nothing would exist."

21. If You Could Wedgie Any Historical Figure, Who Would You Pick?

"You know, I'd like to take Brezhnev and wedgie him..."

22. How Come You Never Read About A Psychic Winning The Lottery?

"I'm not interested in psychics."

23. How Many Pennies Would Fit Into This Room?

"Give me a penny and a tape measure. Let's determine the maximum number of pennies that could fit into this room."

24. You’ve Been Given An Elephant. You Can’t Get Rid Of It. What Would You Do With It?

Igor looks at a spot on the wall behind the interviewer "I still get to keep the hydrochloric acid, right?"

25. What’s The Wildest Thing You’ve Ever Done In A Hotel Room?

"Hotel room? Oh jeez, I was once dared to sing into a glass bottle on the windowsill. I broke it and the pieces fell three stories onto the pavement below. No one found out until an hour later and they still don't know it was me."

26. Would You Rather Be Trapped In An Elevator Full Of Men With BO Or Three Soaked Dogs?

"Men with BO. I hate dogs."

27. Would You Rather Live (Permanently) In A Roller Coaster Park Or In A Zoo?

"Roller coaster park. At least I can take my anger out on the kids by bending the laws of physics to my will (and injure the kids)."

Igor, you okay, bud?

"What, isn't that what a perfectly normal human would answer?"

Moving on...

28. Would You Rather Look Like A Potato, Or Feel Like A Potato?

"I'm kind of fat already, so I kind of look like a potato. A bit. But I'm strong. So it's the good fat."

29. You’re In The Circus, Would You Rather Be The Person With Their Head Inside The Lion’s Mouths Or Get Shot Out Of The Cannon?

"Get shot out of the cannon. Physics is fun!"

30. Would You Rather Never Be Able To Express Yourself Accurately Or Always Have To Say The Exact Truth?

"Exact truth. Easy question."

31. Would You Rather Be Able To Copy And Paste In Real Life, Or Undo In Real Life?

"Undo. We'd be guaranteed to win every hockey game."

32. Would You Rather Keep Your Current Sleep Schedule Or Hibernate For 3 Months And Have 9 Months Of 24/7 Alertness Without Being Tired?

"Hibernate during the off season. I could train intensely before our first game."

33. Would You Rather Have A Permanently Clogged Nose Or A Piece Of Green Food Always Stuck In Your Teeth?

"A piece of green food in my teeth. I could just take a puck to it, you know?"

34. Would You Rather Be Able To Breathe Underwater Or Have The Agility Of A Cat?

"Dude, I'm a hockey player. Why would I need breathing underwater?" Agility is more important."

35. What Makes Someone A Hero?

"Do I need to read the dictionary definition of a hero?"

36. If You Inherited A Private Jet From A Stranger, What Would You Do With It?

"Auction it off. And use the money to train."

37. What Are You Freakishly Bad At?

"Tying shoelaces. Doesn't everyone in the league know that at this point?"

38. What’s Something You’ve Tried, That You’ll Never, Ever Try Again?

"Programming. I can't set a variable equal to 5. I'd love to replace my training app, as I said."

39. What Are The Qualities You Really Enjoy In A Friend?

"First, are they willing to always tie my shoelaces? Second, are they the intelligent nerd type? Third, do they like or play hockey? Or hike? If you fit those things, you're an instant friend."

40. In What Situation Or Place Would You Feel The Most Out Of Place In?

"The desert in a country with strict social norms, like perhaps Saudi Arabia or the UAE. At least I'd be forced to give up alcohol. If I made Muslim friends there, they'd be a big help in that."

41. Would You Rather Have Unlimited Sushi For Life Or Unlimited Tacos For Life?

"Why? Just why?"

42. What’s An Ideal Christmas/Holiday For You?

"The one where the entirety of December doesn't exist. Christmas is Bah Humbug for me. The only thing good about it is the hockey."

43. What’s A Common Thing That You Think About When You’re Alone?

"The solar system."

44. What Is The Most Difficult Challenge Thus Far In Your Life?

"Being more social with my teammates."

45. If You Could Change One Thing About Your Upbringing, What Would It Be?

"Better access to English resources. Perhaps my English would be a bit better now."

46. When You Are Old, What Do You Think Children Will Ask You To Tell Stories About?

"I cannot handle kids. If I wanted kids, I'd adopt. And even then, it would be hard for me."

47. When Things Break, Do You Prefer To Fix Them Or Replace Them?

"Fix if possible. Replace if obsolete and I was planning to upgrade anyway. In fact, I think I need new skates. Geoff, could you help me with that?"

48. What Product Would You Seriously Stockpile If You Found Out They Weren’t Going To Sell It Anymore?

"Hockey tape."

49. Do You Recycle?

"Yes. I try to."

50. What’s The Best On-Screen Bromance?

"I told you - I don't want television all that much! Unless it's documentaries!"

51. What Is Your Favorite Type Of Workout?

"Jump squats."

52. If Your Food Is Bad At A Restaurant, Would You Say Something?

"Weird taste? No. Moldy and decaying? Duh!"

53. How Often Do You Look At Your Phone Every Day?

Igor slowly hides his phone "Nope... didn't see anything..."

54. Describe Your Life Using One Word.

"Nerd."

55. Have You Ever Cried At A Movie?

"I cried when I thought those two guys were going to die on Io."

56. Who From Your Past Do You Really Wish You’d Stayed In Contact With?

"Some guy on my old local hockey team back when I was a teenager in Russia."

57. When You Meet Someone You’re Attracted To, What Do You First Notice About Them?

"Their intelligence. I judge based on your intelligence. Not physical looks. You could be the ugliest person on the planet and I'd be your friend. I have a friend with a horribly misaligned face. But he's one of the most intelligent people I've met."

58. Do You Have Tattoos?

Igor turns around and rolls up his shirt. This reveals a giant tattoo inspired by both wolves and the solar system. "What do you think?"

59. What Do You Think About Clowns?

"Clown? What's a clown? I don't think I know that word in English..."

60. If You Had All The Money In The World, What Would Be The First Thing You’d Buy?

"Hockey gear."

61. Who Gives You The Courage To Try New Things?

"My coach and my amazing teammates on the ice."

62. Are You Willing To Give The Shirt On Your Back To Someone Who Needs It The Most?

Igor thinks about it for a while. "Yes. If they need it more than me, I'd buy myself another one."

63. If You Could Run One Business, Which Would It Be, And How Would You Change It?

"Bauer. They need better management."

64. What Are You Most Looking Forward To In The Next 10 Years?

"Progress in technology. I might not be playing hockey by then, but we'll see what happens in the next decade."

65. What Do You Wish You’d Accomplished By Now In Life?

"I hoped that by now I'd be a world-renowned chemist. I had to lower my standards by a few notches."

66. What’s The Craziest Or Most Out-Of-Character Thing You’ve Ever Done?

"I like to roleplay, so I've been OOC as they say a lot of times."

67. What Are You Most Likely To Stay Up All Night Talking About?

"Science and hockey."

68. What Do You Get Every Time You Go Grocery Shopping?

"Food."

69. Spontaneity Or Stability?

"Stability."

70. What Are You Most Likely To Become Famous For?

"I'm already a famous hockey player. They just asked me to join and so... yeah."

71. What Makes People Perfect For Each Other?

"Depends on the people involved. Listen - I'm not the guy to ask for relationship advice."

72. Do You Ever Want To Just Walk Away From Technology?

"Well, yes. But I can't."

73. What’s The Most Interesting Thing You’ve Seen Online This Week?

"Politics."

74. What Makes You Smile About Us?

"Us? Like... listen. I'm not a romance expert!"

75. What’s The Best Way To Spend A Rainy Afternoon?

"Progress on your goals."

76. What’s One Difference Between Us That You Love?

"Seriously, where did you get these questions from?"

77. What Chore Do You Absolutely Hate Doing?

"The weekly grocery shopping. I leave that up to my teammates."

78. What’s Your Least Favorite Mode Of Transportation?

"Driving. I can't drive. I can hike, but not drive."

79. What Sound Do You Love?

"The goal sound. But only when it's the correct goal."

80. If You Could Paint A Picture Of Any Scenery You’ve Seen Before, What Would You Paint?

"If I could paint. I'd paint an exotic alien landscape. Literally. Something impossible on Earth."

81. What Is Something You Learned In The Last Week?

"I learned that it's best to bank TPE when the coach is away on holiday."

82. What Was The Last Experience That Made You A Stronger Person?

"Noah Tedla @tedlamotors tried to teach me how to tie my hiking boots once. And I mean, I did do it, but it felt so horribly complicated. I still don't know how people do this without failing."

83. What Is Your First Memory Of Being Really Excited?

"I got an orrery - a small mechanical model of the solar system where the planets orbit. I'd wind up the little crankshaft thing and watch them orbit. I'd wait for the planets to align. They never aligned, but the idea that maybe this would be the time, you know? That was so exciting."

84. At What Age Did You Become An Adult?

"Eighteen, legally. Same in Russia."

85. The Best Part Of Waking Up Is?

"You're alive. You get to do stuff in this fleshy body for another day."

86. If You Could Learn Any Language Fluently, What Would It Be?

"English. I'm a native Russian speaker. I'm proficient in English, but I feel like I'm still not good enough."

I thought you were native English?

"No no, I'm not."

87. Do You Get Along With Your Parents?

"Yes and no. I tolerate them when I do see them, but I wouldn't live permanently with them."

88. What Is The One Food That You Would Never Give Up?

"Okay, fine! Cheese! I love cheese!"

89. If You Had Unlimited Resources, How Would You Live Your Life?

"Bettering the future of humanity."

90. When Was The Last Time You Took Some Time To Be Alone?

"Just before this interview, actually."

91. What Habits Are Holding You Back From Success?

"My awful time management skills and lack of self-discipline at times."

92. What Is The Source Of Your Procrastination?

"...That?"

93. Who Are You Becoming?

"A decent hockey player. I thought I'd be great, but then I realized I don't want to be great. I won the Four Star Cup in Vancouver, and that's all the fame I want."

94. Do You Think Any Kind Of Afterlife Exists?

"I don't think so. If there is an afterlife, I wouldn't know."

95. What’s Your Personal Image Of God?

"I'm an atheist. God is more of the laws of physics and nature to me. To know God, if God were to exist, is to know the universe. That's about as religious as I get. Ultimately, I doubt the existence of God. If you do believe in God, great. I hold nothing against you and we could have a great intellectual discussion on it if you want to talk. Just understanding where the other comes from, you know? I'd love a conversation like that."

96. What Would Be Harder For You, To Tell Someone You Love Them Or That You Do Not Love Them Back?

"The second one."

97. When You’re 90 Years Old, What Will Matter Most To You?

"We are horrible at predicting the future. I do not know what will matter the most. Perhaps it will be a life well-lived."

98. Do You Serve Money Or Does Money Serve You?

"I hope money serves me."

99. What Do People Do Too Much Of Today?

"Asking too many random questions!"