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sharksisback · 11-17-2019, 09:09 PM

Howdy, partners. I’ve been here for two years and I’m still not sure if that’s the preferred greeting or if I’m perpetuating the cowboy stereotype that has afflicted the population of Texas for decades. Either way, I’m from up north in Wisconsin, where the preferred greeting is jerking off to Aaron Rodgers. The rule of thumb is to always finish when Rodgers throws a Hail Mary. Urban legends say that if you don’t, you’ll be cursed to live in Wisconsin for the rest of your life. That Lions game a few years back saved my ass.

Anyways, enough about Wisconsin. Who gives a rat’s ass about my home state? I’m here to talk to the Renegade faithful. Back in the day, I used to use the media as a way of keeping fans informed. Recently, I’ve been informed that blogs exist, and they’re usually used for this exact reason. I was also informed that I have a Twitter account, but 280 characters are only enough for simpletons and Falcons fans (yes I know it’s an oxymoron, fuck off).

I avoided writing to Toronto fans because every word I’d write would be dissected and I’d become a scapegoat. I don’t want to be a scapegoat. I want to be the GOAT. When it comes to marketing myself, I was the GOAT. Then I went silent because Matt Kholin changed all of my passwords and I couldn’t write anymore. Jokes on him, I found Sasha’s body and I’m turning it in to the proper authorities. See you in Alcatraz, motherfucker.

I look forward to continuing my Renegade career, and not just because of the lack of a state income tax. I can promise a few things. We will crush our rivals into a fine powder, which will shortly thereafter be transferred into my bloodstream. I will taunt our opponents into submission. And if they’re into that, I will kink shame them into submission. And if they’re into that, well back to the fucking drawing board I guess. And I won't turn down a fight. In fact, every Renegade will have at least one fight this season. Old-time hockey, Eddie Shore you pansies.

Some of our fans have asked what I do with my free time since I ceased writing this shit. Well, I started looking up Game of Thrones book lore so I could continue being angry about the last season. It’s unhealthy and I hate it. When I’m not feeding my anger, I shoot my neighbors with Nerf guns to test their reflexes. Last week, Jim caught the dart and set it on fire. I think he’s making a breakthrough. Next week, I use BBs. In the old days, I’d listen to heavy metal in my free time to calm my nerves. Of course, that was back in my partying, trash-talking, reckless days. These days, I listen to Billie Eilish, Avril Lavigne and Poppy while I snort Fun Dip. Sixth graders are fucking wild if they’re snorting this shit. Anyways, my top five songs at the moment are Still Into You by Paramore, Wish You Were Gay by Billie Eilish, Scary Mask by Poppy and now I’m feeling self-conscious about my musical taste so I’m cutting it short at three.

The main question I’m seeing on the trash heap called social media is what’s next? Well, as I announced in my original press statement, I will be going on a media tour to show this country that its native son is ready to take the mantle of greatest living American. Tom Brady can suck a fat one if he thinks I’m going to let him keep that title. Cheating ass, fake ass, bitch ass. Undisputed, The Herd, First Take and The Dan Le Batard Show will be blessed as part of the Resurrection Tour. Howard Stern offered me a slot on his show, which I almost accepted until I remembered that it’s 2019.

Then it’ll be time for training camp, at which point I will probably call all of my rivals fat and out of shape because they’re fat and out of shape. I’d also like to take a moment to address the Myles Garrett controversy. That incident was a black eye for the NFL and he should completely ashamed of himself. Using equipment as a weapon is unacceptable, gutless and inexcusable. That being said, if someone pays me enough to cover the suspension, I will absolutely two-hand Nikolai Evans right in the jaw. If you make a video of it set to Ocean Eyes, I promise that I’ll throw in an extra butt-end when he tries to get up.

Also, to whoever called me a goon last week, you’re a dead man. It’s not my fault that so many people in this league need their ass kicked and I’m the only one man enough to stomp a mudhole on them. My teammates are game enough to drop the gloves with any living, dead or fictional man. I could kick the living shit out of Joey Fatone too, so watch yourself fat man.

- Troy Reynolds, Texas Renegade Winger

PS: When we're back on the ice, I'm gonna baptize the following fools: Nikolai Evans, Guy Zheng, Olivier Cloutier, Matt Kholin, Perry Morgan, Jimmy Slothface, Nikolai Evans' overrated dad, Anastasia O'Koivu, Casimir Stevens, Aleister Cain, Kit Harrington and Dom Montgomery. I made my list, I'm checking it twice. Keep your head up out there.

(870 words)

Blastmeaway · 11-17-2019, 09:50 PM

Live image of Renegade Fans

[Image: a8fbf953-65c1-432b-a957-821c9b6dcd35-201...fit=bounds]

Shout out to ml002, schultzy, slashacm, tedward!
[Image: blastmeaway.gif]

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09-05-2018, 10:04 PMBeaver Wrote: Wow look what the PT affiliation has done to our pristine league.

12-19-2018, 12:31 AMBeaver Wrote: I personally blame the PT affiliation for handing out massive amounts of free TPE to all these players, inflating the TPE they're at when they get called up.

[Image: Capture21.PNG?width=400&height=90]

ztevans · 11-17-2019, 09:55 PM

Who?

***WannabeFinn*** · 11-17-2019, 09:57 PM

Casimir Stevens is long gone bud

ztevans · 11-17-2019, 09:59 PM

We have also reached out to Zach Evans for comment. Evans responded to Reynolds' comments with, "Who?"

JSS · 11-18-2019, 09:47 AM

you ain't splashing anyone troy, nice try

CFJ · 11-18-2019, 10:32 AM

Beating a dead snake here

Thanks to prettyburn, TML, Carpy, JNH, Jepox, Engi, Karey, Flappy, Skolpadder, Mook, DollarAndADream, Smirnov and Toe for the sigs.

Code:
Crossfit's First Career SHL Goal, 4. Manhattan Rage , Crossfit Jesus 1 (Pedro Sarantez, Nucky Toohoots) at 5:51

Code:
Devitt's First Career SHL Goal, 5. Calgary Dragons , Prince Devitt 1 (Barry Batsbak 21, Mike Izzy 14) at 10:43

Slowpoke · 11-18-2019, 10:33 AM

11-17-2019, 09:59 PMztevans Wrote: We have also reached out to Zach Evans for comment. Evans responded to Reynolds' comments with, "Who?"

fuck off

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