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sharksisback · 11-22-2019, 01:50 PM

So apparently, the “legendary” Zach Evans doesn’t know who I am. I’d expect that kind of pompous arrogance from me, not an unworthy Hall of Famer. Listen, if I had one leg and played on the teams that he played on, I’d be a first-ballot Hall of Famer. You would think that Zach Evans would know exactly who I am. After all, I did trash talk his son for almost two seasons. I also was teammates with the aforementioned son. And of course, I put his son in the fucking hospital with a slap shot so I think Zach might just be a bad father if he doesn’t know all of these things.

Speaking of the devil, I got a phone call from Zach's son earlier today. I will only refer to him as such since that's all he has going for him. Zach's son was furious, demanding to know what I mean when I say I'm going to baptize him. To put it bluntly, I'm going to fight you and win, play you and win and just outclass you.

But the most incredulous thing Zach's son said was that Anastasia O'Koivu could kick my ass. He said not to include this but like how could I not? He complimented O'Koivu! This is the biggest news of the year! Granted, it's a lie because neither of them have ever had the testicular fortitude to fight me in our careers, but hey it's progress for good old Zach's son.

Now, I know there’s a lockout going on. Trust me, as a player, there’s nothing I love more than making more money than I deserve from crusty billionaires. But I feel like there’s a lot of misinformation being spread around. Everybody thinks they have the answers, but I change the questions around here. Every dense insider is asking “when is the lockout going to end?” Well, the real question is how did it even begin? You may think you know the answer, but fucking shut your trap bucko, let me explain.

A few days ago, Kaspars Claude signed with New Orleans in a move that I scratched both of my heads at. First of all, why would you leave Tampa Bay? It’s a nicer location without fake French people who speak some gibberish mix of French and English. Why would you leave a team with such a bright future? The Baracuders have great players like Matt Kholin and Olivier Cloutier. I mean their defensive core is rancid since Zach’s son is on it, along with the softer-than-Charmin Anastasia O’Koivu. So just why did Kaspars Claude sign with New Orleans?

The answer is why we are in a lockout. Kaspars Claude signed with New Orleans with the promise of blackjack and hookers. Kaspars Claude thought he was signing with Vegas, which is troubling because Vegas doesn’t have a fucking team. So the mad man signs with NOLA thinking that they’re in Vegas. I mean, he’s a Latvian guy. I don’t blame him for the mix-up. The only difference between the two is that for one week, NOLA is filled with tits and no gambling. Then for the other 51 weeks, the only tit in New Orleans is Jimmy Slothface.

So Kaspars Claude arrives in New Orleans, expecting to see the Strip, go to Caesar’s Palace and maybe catch a fight at the MGM Grand. The first thing he sees is “Smoothie King Arena”. Well, that’s fine, all he has to do is find the strip. He walks down Bourban Street because like that’s basically The Strip and he’s pretty sure he’s in the right place. But then he sees a giant fucking blob in the middle of New Orleans known as the Superdome, where Hulk Hogan is screaming about how he bodyslammed the 70 ton monster Andre the Giant in front of 82 million yelling, crazy, ovulating Hulkamaniacs

It was at this moment that Kaspars realized he was in the wrong place. So Claude calls up the league office and is like “where is Vegas team, you fucks?” The league told him that there is no Vegas team, what are you on about? So Claude calls up the Player’s Association and tells them that he was lied to and misled about the imaginary Vegas team by the league office. The Player’s Association, smelling money, then has a massive angry response demanding an investigation done on the misleading signing.

League office calls up the Spectors front office as part of the investigation, but nobody was in to answer. Except for Jimmy Slothface. They ask Jimmy what he knows about the Kaspars Claude signing and he says “Oh I told him that we’re in Las Vegas and that convinced him. I didn’t think it’d be that easy.” The snitches get stitches philosophy may follow Jimmy, since it’s been reported that the front office was furious with his loose lips.

The investigation concluded and the league ruled that while Jimmy Slothface misled Kaspars Claude, the Spectors organization can’t be held responsible. The Player’s Association had a collective aneurysm and was furious. They immediately called for a strike. And here we are. I’ll be damned if I let a scab take my job because Kaspars Claude couldn’t be bothered to look at a fucking map.

If I knew it was that easy, and that Texas wouldn’t be punished for it, I’d just tell Kaspars that Vegas is in Texas. He’d spend the entirety of his contract searching this massive fucking state for it. Plus you can do whatever you want here, as long as you don’t lead a cult. Then the locals get a little annoyed, one thing leads to another, and suddenly you’re on fire. Sometimes, it just be like that.

In conclusion, Zach Evans smells like wet socks covered in fish. His son is a fookin bum. Anastasia O’Koivu couldn’t lace up my skates. And Kaspars Claude caused the lockout. Now end the damn thing so I can clap bombs and fuck some moms.

- Troy Reynolds

(999 words, but hey let's call it an even 1000. I'll make it worth your while Wink

SecondSucks22 · 11-22-2019, 02:10 PM

OMG ITS SHARKS

***DrunkenTeddy*** · 11-22-2019, 03:15 PM

TROY!

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Nokazoa · 11-22-2019, 03:31 PM

Great stuff

***bluesfan55*** · 11-22-2019, 04:22 PM

i thought you were dead

ty to @High Stick King @EvilAllBran and @Ragnar for the sigs

Jearim · 11-22-2019, 04:59 PM

So glad you're back man

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