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Skeleton Party · 03-14-2020, 07:11 PM

(2x draft media, 1005 words, most of them English. Please do not ban.)

What’s the word on everyone’s lips, nostrils, and upper respiratory tract?

COVID.

This kid is a phenom. He was genetically engineered in Wuhan, China as part of the secret government hockey program 大型曲棍球進攻武器 (Massive Hockey Attack Weapon). This program was developed to help propel China to a spot as the preeminent ice hockey nation in Asia. “First the KHL, then the world!” was the mantra engrained upon the youth of this program. Genetic experiments involving animal and extraterrestrial DNA were not unheard of in this program, as the nation went to any length to produce superior hockey product.

Cal Covid was one of the chief experiments. Splicing interstellar and feline DNA into the young child, he gained extrasensory predictive powers (as well as the flexibility to tongue clean his own butthole) which made him perfect for the position of goaltender. Always in perfect position to make a save, Cal was so talented that not even a Radko Gudas center-ice shot could make its way past the young goalie.

All other experiments seemed to fail in comparison. Other research teams felt as if having Covid on the ice did not allow for their goal scoring experiments to “take place in realistic conditions.” Fearing loss of researchers, funding, and perhaps the entire program, the administrators decided to quarantine Covid. He was to be developed with the best the program could afford; however, Covid was not to be placed in net against the other projects.

Covid can survive a quarantine, however. Covid thrives in a quarantine.

Now able to focus against robots and simulations, rather than the garbage genetically-enhanced human competition he had been up against thus far, Cal was able to more quickly pick up the nuances of the goaltender position. He is the only goaltender to master the art of the Hyper-Inverse VH, which involves stacking your pads and positioning against the post in five dimensions. He owes this to simulation training, as well as the team of string theorists who predicted the possibility of these incredible moves.

By the time he was 16, however, he had mastered everything that Hyperspace Pad Positioning and QGT (Quantum Goaltending Theory) could teach. The one thing missing from his repertoire was domination against peers. He needed to leave quarantine to face off against the other prospects.

There were no survivors.

Cal ended up with a perfect save percentage, despite the best snipers the program could provide. Understanding their movement and positioning perfectly, Cal was able to easily deflect, if not completely smother, any shot that came in from the genetically engineered super ice soldiers. Many players chose not to finish the games they played against Cal…instead initiating their self destruct sequences, knowing that they were an inferior product. Other players were slaughtered where they stood, Cal’s overwhelming dominance causing a violent anger within him. “If I am the only one capable of playing this game, no others shall live.” This rage extended to the scientists, the administrators, and the national hockey program as well. “If I am cursed to endure this abyss of hockey talent, I will do all I can to destroy and escape it!”

The official reports still blame some dipshit Ozzy wannabe eating a bat, but the original outbreak of Cal Covid had a body count of 112 players, 8 coaches, 349 scientists, and 2 high level members of the national government. This was all quickly covered up, but Cal could not be contained. Now that he had broken free of the bondage of the MHAW program, he strived to find the best hockey league in the world…to infect it…to destroy it and make it completely his. China was forced within weeks to concede that he was a dangerous force, that they had little control over the situation, and that their only weapon against this act of the Hockey Gods was to quarantine all of their players from encountering him on ice.

Soon, the travel bans and embargoes of rival nations were put into place. Walls designed to keep the ultimate competitor away from their national programs. It would make no difference. Just the knowledge that a contender of such incredible ability lay in wait was enough to infect hockey players and fans across the world.

Young players simply gave up their hockey dreams. Who wants to come into a league where there’s no goals to be scored, and the champion is already decided?

Current forward prospects feared to face him, failing to show up to games against with the “Covid Flu.”

Other goalies just got out of the way. Do you know what it’s like to be another model goalie living in Derek Zoolander’s Cal Covid’s shadow?

The most affected group? The elderly. The fear of having the Bernie Parents, Terry Sawchuks and Jacques Plantes of their childhoods completely erased by this Tour de Force was enough to cause them to give up entirely.

The best efforts of the greatest nations on earth (and actually the moon, though we’ll get to that story another time) failed to contain the influence of Covid. Local quarantines were placed upon citizens of hockey-loving nations across the world, though the devastating effects of his presence would not be stopped. The WHO (World Hockey Organization) officially declared Cal Covid a Pandemic…and also announced him eligible for the S53 Junior Draft and S54 SHL Draft on March 11, 2020.

Cal has undoubtedly proven the skill he has at the position of goaltender. He has proven that he can captivate the world. He has proven that nations rise and fall over the game of hockey…that lives hang in the balance of the world’s most perfect game. The only thing he has left to prove is that he can dominate on the highest levels of the sport. He has to prove that he can decimate his opponents and bring home the cup. He has to prove that, no matter how hard anyone tries, that the game of hockey is over…and he is the ultimate winner.