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***Aephino*** · 03-14-2020, 09:37 PM

x2 Draft Media, 1625 Words, Ready for Grading

Mock Draft First Round Prediction

This is very clearly my official prediction list for the upcoming draft, and they should not be taken lightly. I have gathered intel from players, GMs, and the media to determine the most accurate draft order. The success rate for my past predictions is 99.9%. With that in mind, feel free to copy and paste this list for the Mock Draft TPE, veterans! I, Aephino, give you full permission.

ROUND ONE

1. Winnipeg Jets (from TEX) – Alex Reyer – C – STL
The Jets are looking to take a center in the first round, so obviously they’re going to take Reyer. The media has been hyping him up for weeks, so this is a very straightforward selection. We won’t see any surprises at first overall on Sunday. Reyer has everything it takes to be an all-time great, and he will be doing so in Winnipeg. Also he is coming from the land of the ugly crows. That’s not that important in this selection, just thought I’d say that.

2. Tampa Bay Barracuda – Luke Niemi – LW – HAL
Another clear selection comes from the Tampa Bay Barracuda. In dire need of a left winger, they will use their valuable pick to obtain Halifax--or should I say Maine--rookie legend, Luke Niemi. Despite having a cursed name of “Luke,” he will be going early in this draft, and will hopefully break that 2000 TPE threshold, along with the other Luke.

3. Buffalo Stampede (from WKP) – Daichi Franciszek – G
Even though we could not recover data about Fransisco’s current SMJHL team, we decided that his talents are going to overshadow the fact that he is unemployed. Buffalo will be taking Frances, a proven goalie, at the third pick of the S53 draft. Buffalo’s current goalie is dreadful, so Franksinatra will be able to keep those pucks out of the net for them in the future.
Update: Apparently Fernandinho is actually on the Winnipeg Jets… but we stand by our picks. We still believe he will go third in this SHL Draft.

4. Texas Renegades (from MIN and WPG) – James Brown – D – DET
Famed musician James Brown was “reported” to die back in December 2006, but we have confirmed that he is actually currently playing hockey for the Detroit Falcons as a defenseman. Texas are aware of this, so they will be drafting him to fulfil their musical requirements for future seasons. The “Godfather of Soul” will now be the “Godfather of Hockey.”

5. Buffalo Stampede (from WPG) – Frans Eller – G – CAR
In the five hole we have another big name, and another goalie. Frans Eller didn’t get the ice time he wanted in Carolina, so he’s moving up on the ladder and is now facing even stiffer competition! Buffalo was in such need of a goalie that they are going to be drafting two. Which one is better? You could argue that Fandango is better because of his name, but you could also argue that Eller is better because his name is easier to spell. It’s a tough call, but either way we should be seeing Eller as the fifth pick of the night.

6. West Kendall Platoon (from NEW) - Salomon Frosty – LW – ANC
Our first Anchorage Anchor will be drafted in the sixth slot. The Salty Spitoon are looking for a forward out of this draft; look no further than Salomon Frosty the Snowman! Not only does he have ice in his veins out on the ice, but he has a carrot for a nose and will stab his opponents with it. Watch out! Here comes Frosty!

7. Los Angeles Panthers – Separa Borro – G – ANA
On our list we have yet another goalie going in this draft! This is very wild, almost as if a random number generator is deciding this order. Anyway, Separa Borro is an easy choice for the Panthers, as his reflexes are similar to that of a panther. He is fast and agile, and can save anything from a slapshot to a wrist shot to a penalty shot to a backhand shot to a Datsyuk flip. This man is a monster. By the way, both his arms are broken for the next three years.

8. Toronto North Stars – Kriss Darzins – RW – STL
Another stupid crow going early in the draft. This one will be the star winger Kriss Darzins, better known by his friends as “Kriss” or “Kriss Kross” or “Kriss Kross Applesauce” or “Haha you don’t have a dad.” Because he is from St. Louis, Darzins will fit in nicely at Toronto, where he can also get used to not winning.

9. Calgary Dragons – Sven Svenson – LW – COL
Sven was a big hit at the start of the SMJHL, mostly because of his sweet Swedish name, but the press has quieted down about him. However, the Dragons will be using that to their advantage, for they need a winger from the SHL draft and Svenson is one of the best in the business. Some of his key stats from his rookie season in the SMJHL are: 1 power play goal, 4 shots blocked, and a 30% faceoff percentage.

10. Edmonton Blizzard – Rapid Eagle – RW – HAL
Edmonton are looking for another fast skater, after their star man, Connor McDavid, died of coronavirus. Turns out, Rapid Eagle is lightning quick in the air, but when you put him on the ice? He’s actually pretty slow. Eagles are much better suited to flying than skating. Furthermore, eagles like warm climates, not blizzards. Either way, Rapid should do a fine job in Edmonton.

11. Chicago Syndicate – Erik Johansson – D – CAR
Erik Johannsson is a Swedish player. Now that I type that, I’m not POSITIVE, but based off his name I’m going to assume that he is Swedish. The Syndicate are looking for some defensive reinforcements, and Johansssson (was that too many s’s?) is ready to put his body on the line.

12. Tampa Bay Barracuda (from HAM) – Gregory Stiemsma – C – NLB
Apparently Tampa Bay are also looking for centers. They will look no further than Gregory Stiemsma. If my memory serves me correctly, Stiemsma had a phenomenal prospect showcase and delivered with many goals and assists in that tournament. It’s really been all downhill from there for the center, but this draft is where things will turn around for him. Really, anything he can do to get off the Berserkers will be a positive.

13. New Orleans Specters – Ziggy Tambo – LW – ANA
Ziggy Tambo has a terrific name, and a terrific shot at going 13th in this draft! The New Orleans Spectators should be looking for a left winger in this draft, and Ziggy is the name we have been hearing linked most to the team.

14. Winnipeg Jets (from BUF) – Antii Antinen – RW – KEL
“Ants are eusocial insects of the family Formicidae and, along with the related wasps and bees, belong to the order Hymenoptera. Ants appear in the fossil record across the globe in considerable diversity during the earliest part of the Late Cretaceous suggesting an earlier origin. Ants evolved from vespoid wasp ancestors in the Cretaceous period, and diversified after the rise of flowering plants. More than 12,500 of an estimated total of 22,000 species have been classified. They are easily identified by their elbowed antennae and the distinctive node-like structure that forms their slender waists” (Wikipedia).

15. San Francisco Pride – Jacob Rizzo – RW – VAN
Jacob Rizzo is the man that the Pride are looking for. They had a terrific season in S52, but just fell short of the Challenge Cup. Manhattan triumphed over them in 6 games, but I believe is that missing piece of the puzzle for the Pride. Having a winger who can consistently finish chances will be a huge boost to the already-fantastic team, and we can’t wait to see Rizzo perform at the highest level next season.

16. Manhattan Rage – Blake Feaux – D – HAL
Many have said that defenders will be key in this draft, and Blake Feaux will be a vital one to grab at the end of the first round. Manhattan are looking to strengthen their defensive line as they look for back-to-back cups. That being said, Feaux sounds awfully similar to “faux” or “fake.” There have been rumors about a spy being in this draft class for quite some time… could it be that the “fake” name was right under our noses this whole time? Russians are also known for wearing faux fur hats, so perhaps the “Feaux” was hinting at his soviet origins? In addition, on his paperwork to join the SMJHL, his birthplace was redacted. For every other recruit, they had their official birthplace on their file, but Blake has none… Furthermore! He now plays for the Maine Timber, which suspiciously moved from Halifax. Perhaps he needed a year to gain US citizenship, then his comrades back home pulled some strings for the relocation? While these are only theories, we now conclude that the spy of the S53 is most likely to be Blake Feaux!!! Despite this knowledge, Manhattan should be thrilled to have a quality defenseman join their team.

That’s all folks. As I mentioned at the beginning, please do not worry about plagiarizing! I strongly encourage everyone to use this as their mock draft. I am friends with every single GM and have bugged their phones and personal houses and their friends’ and loved ones’ phones so I know all this information is 100% true. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

***golden_apricot*** · 03-14-2020, 09:41 PM

Damn ML falling???????

Mediocre_Fred · 03-14-2020, 09:41 PM

I'd say great read, but I couldn't see anything in dark mode.

Oh man, he fixed that quickly. Never mind.

***Aephino*** · 03-14-2020, 09:44 PM

03-14-2020, 09:41 PMMediocre_Fred Wrote: I'd say great read, but I couldn't see anything in dark mode.

*leviadan* · 03-14-2020, 10:04 PM

Oof, ouch, owie! This analysis brings me pain!

[Image: pin1_1.gif?ex=663a63f4&is=66391274&hm=70...8f89c3f46&]

***SpartanGibbles*** · 03-15-2020, 01:09 AM

Hear that @Ace, you're going to BUF and you're gonna like it

suavemente · 03-15-2020, 01:13 AM

Russians don't wear fake fur, only fake russians wear fake fur... spy!

**Lime** · 03-15-2020, 02:35 AM

03-14-2020, 09:37 PMAephino Wrote: 12. Tampa Bay Barracuda (from HAM) – Gregory Stiemsma – C – NLB
Apparently Tampa Bay are also looking for centers. They will look no further than Gregory Stiemsma. If my memory serves me correctly, Stiemsma had a phenomenal prospect showcase and delivered with many goals and assists in that tournament. It’s really been all downhill from there for the center, but this draft is where things will turn around for him. Really, anything he can do to get off the Berserkers will be a positive.

STEEEEEMERRRRRRRRR

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