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StamkosFan · 05-29-2020, 01:49 PM

The New England Wolfpack announced today that they have traded their next available third round pick for a bottle of whiskey. Negotiations were reported to have gone smoothly, and all parties involved feel that they have gotten what they desired. New England management was unable to speak to the media as they are currently passed out after downing the entire bottle in 10 minutes. Guy Zheng @goldenglutes filled in as a spokesperson; it was a bit difficult to understand what he was saying, as his speech was rather slurred.

"All in all, we feel this deal is a big step forward for our organization. We don't really need third rounders, that is why we trade them twice. They're like ketchup on spaghetti, nobody wants that shit. Meanwhile, a night of partying is good for team morale and will help us bond. There is a clear benefit to this acquisition. Some people think we gave up too much for the return we got, but to that I say, do you even know what Jack Daniels is? It is quality, it is better than a 200 TPE juniors player that will go inactive faster than HO can type the word 'suspension'," said Zheng.

After recent drama where New England's GM was almost fired for trading a pick twice, they have implemented their own pick tracker, which they checked before going through with this deal. The Onion has acquired that document, which has been cited as being "very helpful." Some in the Wolfpack war room worried that the big red X on the S55 3rd rounder is not noticeable enough, so they made sure to add some extra warnings as insurance. It still may not be enough, some psychology experts caution, as repeated exposure to the warnings may normalize them in the subject's mind and lead to them being overlooked.

[Image: pick_tracker.png?width=1894&height=1263]

[Image: pick_tracker.png?width=1894&height=1263]

Hearing about this trade, green dots appeared almost instantaneously on the HO members discord profile as they raced to pick apart this deal. They talked for two hours, but reportedly were unable to come up with a reason to fire the GM over this trade. It appears at the moment that this deal will go down without any drama, and Ace will live to see another sunrise.

Next up on the Onion News Network: is the playoff format unfair to teams that don't give a shit?