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Skeleton Party · 05-20-2020, 09:50 PM

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2x Draft Media, 2321 character count, 2130 Microsoft Word

Central Intelligence with Name Redacted: A Draft Review with No Subliminal Messages

Bob Ross: …and God bless.

[The Joy of Painting theme plays as the show ends, its soft, soothing tones creating an aura of calm. About halfway through the credits, there is a rough cut to a loud heavy metal banger as the video switches to an obnoxious, repetitive zoom in/zoom out shot of Name Redacted sitting at a desk. A cheap, grainy text overlay displays in lime green font “Central Intelligence with [Name Redacted]”]

█████: Haha! It’s ya boy █████ here comin’ at ya with the first episode of Central Intelligence with █████! I know it’s been a long time and that you missed me! The network didn’t want to have me back after the last episode of Quarantine Quips featured a rotten egg fight slash cruise missile mishap in the studio, but I now have big scary friends in high places who wanted me back on the air, so here I am. And boy do I have a lot to talk about, with the SHL draft just completing. But first, I have been asked to read the following by that scary guy over there in the suit and sunglasses: “Echo Tango 2 1 2 Whisky Tango.”

[A small regional government somewhere is overthrown by an operative. █████ puts down the sheet of paper and pulls out his draft notes]

█████: Haha! Well, now down to the meat of it. This past weekend saw the Season 54 SHL draft take place, and boy was it a doozy. Tons of trades, some no-brainer picks, and some surprises. I learned a ton about the league by going through the SHL draft process, and I wanted to cover what I learned about the players and teams of the first round with you!

1. Texas Renegades - Mikkel Asmus Sondegard
█████: This first overall pick right here gives me hope. With a bit of hard work, some good networking, and a small inheritance of more than 70 million dollars, Mikkel Asmus Sondegard is a true “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” success story. This just shows that, despite what Fox News says, multimillionaires can (on occasion) overcome the steep slope of systemic oppression and make something of themselves.

Given the Renegades’ trajectory, the team could certainly use his skill and cash flow. Now, if they could only find a way to work guns into the game of hockey, Texans might actually make their way to a Renegades game.

2. Toronto North Stars - Ryosuke Sato
█████: I appreciate Mr. Sato defending in front of me in Vancouver. Really, I do. He blocks so many shots and clears the garbage rebounds I leave in front of the net. I know he’s a great leader and has been excellent in the Vancouver locker room. I also know it’s a common joke to fart in front of the goalie. Haha. Hilarious. I don’t know what this guy eats, but it is bad enough that I’m mostly, but not entirely sad that I won’t be playing with Ryosuke in the SHL. Even so, I wish him the best.

I sincerely hope he gets his cut of all the merchandise and ticket money the rabid Toronto fans continue to throw at a rebuild. I think he’ll most likely be called up in short order.

3. New England Wolfpack - Matthew Sawful
█████: Haha! Matthew Sawful is a scoundrel, and he’ll fit right in with a Wolfpack team ablaze in controversy. His 21 points this season as a two-way defenseman were good enough to get him into the top 3 of the draft and piss me off simultaneously. He seems to be pretty popular for some reason. God I hope coach lets me fight this year.

New England traded up for this pick and seems to be set to have a great season. Their blue line is pretty stocked, and I don’t anticipate seeing Sawful headed up there for a few seasons. Which is good, because I want some more shots at him in the minors first.
Matthew, if you are listening, I’d love to have you come on the show. Have your people call my people.

[Name Redacted cracks his knuckles, glaring into the camera]

4. Tampa Bay Barracuda - Dwight Knight
█████: I got nothing bad to say about Dwight. Dude has been an absolute joy on Team World, and spent a ton of time trying to pull Carolina out of the basement, scored a ton, and worked hard to amass a bit of a bank account for himself. It was tough to pick exactly where he was going to go on the mock, but it was for sure in the first half of the round.

I’m super happy to see him go somewhere nice and warm like Tampa, so he can get fat and lazy on the beach and keep that shot far away from me.

5. Buffalo Stampede - Emilia Bergman
█████: The super knowledgable and incredibly hard working Emilia Bergman was going to be an excellent pick wherever she ended up. I wound up nailing my mock draft guess, where I put her at 5th, but she could have just as easily gone top 3. Fans of my show might know her from some interviews she did with me early in my career. She’s done plenty of great interviews and analyses since then, I need everyone watching to go check out her content. It’s unbelievable.

Buffalo has a stocked pipeline ahead of Emilia, so the J is certainly going to be her home for at least a couple more seasons.

6. Calgary Dragons - Mats Marner
█████: Looking at TPE, I’d have never guessed at Mats going this high. I apparently didn’t do my research, however, as behind that TPE deficit is a huge bank account and a dedicated, hard working player. I had Mats going in the early second round, and had Calgary taking a goalie here. However, this might end up being a steal, as the run for goalies didn’t start until the second round, allowing Calgary to get this guy as a future complement to their forward ranks.

7. Chicago Syndicate - Vitek Vitecek
█████: Another forward who gave me troubles this year. Despite the Kraken being a cellar dweller, goalies across the J learned quickly to fear this sniper’s skills. The puck could go from across the ice to the twine behind you in no time flat any time this young Czech is on the ice.
Vitek, I hear the bootleg hooch over in Chicago is incredible. I’d love to have you on the show once you make the SHL if you can bring some along!

8. Chicago Syndicate - Rotticus Scott
█████: Another nailed pick in on my mock draft baby! Another forward I had the displeasure of squaring up against, this time on the Western Conference champion Kelowna Knights. Same offer stands as with Vitek…bring me some of that sweet bootleg brew. Maybe the 3 of us can have a drinking contest? I’ll make some of my famous Mayonnaise Vodka. The guys in Vancouver go nuts for it.

9. Edmonton Blizzard - Daniel Laforest
█████: Laforest dropped much further than I thought he would, and Edmonton got a hell of a steal at 9. I had him going at number 4. I’ve chatted quite a bit with Daniel and threw some weights around with him leading up to the draft. Learned quite a bit about him and I am super happy he gets to go to a great group in the big beautiful carcinogenic oil fields of the North. I’d love to do some more workouts with this guy, he’s just top notch.

10. New Orleans Specters - Bork Lazer
█████: I can’t say anything bad about Bork Lazer because, even though I am protected by a large CIA security detail, he could probably find me and rip me in half. This hulk played a heavy year on defense for the Armada, and managed to load up on points with a handful more than Sawful, who is a scoundrel. He’s headed to the city of New Orleans to get his career started with another scandal-filled team. Enjoy the beignets bud.

11. Baltimore Platoon - Pojo Biscuit
█████: Somehow everyone knew about Pojo going with the first Baltimore pick, but then the trade with Calgary happened and everyone cried about it. Pojo is a dependable defenseman who missed the draft but worked really hard to catch up with everyone. Hit me up during next offseason if you’re gonna be in Maryland and we can hit my Ocean City beach house. I’ll even make my famous Mayonnaise Vodka!

12. Baltimore Platoon - Patrick Shepherd
█████: I missed this one by just a bit, predicting he would go to New Orleans at 10. He definitely had a huge TPE bank all set up and has been working super hard to maximize his training time in the off season. He’s going to go join Pojo, and the beach house invite is extended to Shepherd as well!

13. Minnesota Chiefs - Jack Klompus
█████: Bitchin’ dude with a bitchin’ name who gave me a hell of a time on the ice this year. Newfoundland definitely had our number in Vancouver and this dude found a way to light the lamp against me often. Glad he’s out Minnesota way, where I don’t have to face off against him quite so much. Saw him at the combine and training camps and he’s been working super hard to get fit for next season.

14. Texas Renegades - Taitso Jutila
█████: This was a super surprising pick to me as I had Taitso down in the second round. I like the player, but the kettlebell technique could use a little work from what I’ve seen. Not quite as high in TPE as the other first rounders. He’s going to end up in Texas, where the Sondegard money will be flowing, so I’m sure there’s going to be a new state-of-the-art gym for the players where Jutila can get fully up to speed. I don’t expect him to be lagging in TPE for long.

15. Los Angeles Panthers - Linus Grimstad
█████: Another of my bros from Team World, Linus is an excellent forward and hard worker. He’s another good player who was stuck in the Carolina quagmire this year, but worked to make that team as good as it could be. He knows all the words to Baba Yetu and loves to sing it anywhere, anytime. Just ask him. He’s headed to LA to rub elbows with the stars in Hollyweird.

[Boom mic drops into the shot, knocking Redacted in the head lightly]

If you meet anyone out there who can get me a higher production setup, I’d appreciate it.

Here’s hoping his proximity to the stars doesn’t go to his head and he stays focused on hockey, because he’s set to become a great player.

16. Hamilton Steelhawks - Simon Takshak
█████: Best DJ in the league right here, and worth the first round pick on that merit alone. Simon and I have chilled late into the night listening to his amazing playlists and chatting about the league. An old soul, he seems wise beyond his years. On the ice, I’m glad to be protected from hits, because this monster of a man uses his weight to beat his opponents to a pulp. He grinds the hell out of you, and is a big reason why Kelowna is so tough to play and score against. He’ll need to work quite a bit to be ready for the grit of the SHL, but I have no doubt he will get there. And hey, if it doesn’t work, you’re always welcome to spin for Central Intelligence with Name Redacted.

[Redacted is handed a paper from the left of the screen]

█████: Um…after a thorough background check and clearances, of course! Haha! Well, that’s the review of the first round of the draft. I hope to be able to catch up with some of these players in the future and get you more info on what the lives of SHL draftees are like. I also plan to keep you in the loop on all of my crazy adventures both hockey related and not. From all of us at Central Intelligence we wish you a good night and a great season!

[The screen cuts to black, before a barcode is displayed on the screen for a few seconds, followed by an RF code and then a large, screen-spanning alphanumeric cipher. The sound doesn’t cut for a few seconds, and you can hear an air raid siren start to sound in the background before the screen and sound cut completely]

Dextaria · 05-20-2020, 11:06 PM

This is one of the most entertaining draft recaps I've ever read

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