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TheHockeyist · 07-12-2020, 07:30 PM

Given the team's record poor performance, the Martian Federation of Hockey has announced plans to forcibly relocate Tampa Bay to Mars. Specifically, it seems the dusty and low-lying Hellas Planitia in the southern hemisphere is the prime target for relocation. It is a large impact crater that is much lower than the surrounding land, and in fact contains the lowest point on Mars, six kilometers below sea level- oh wait, Mars has no seas. Uh, the reference surface level. The area has possible ice glaciers, but they remain unconfirmed. Some Martians are furious about the move, suggesting the North Pole would be a better relocation target. The dust gets very intense during the southern hemisphere summer, which may very well cancel seasons.

Why Hellas Planitia? Supposedly the dust is to give Tampa Bay an advantage. Or to punish them for losing so horribly. Either way, the move is planned for next year... wait, what is the Martian calendar like? Is that two years Earth time? Anyway, the Martian Federation of Hockey has issued an ultimatum to the Barracuda, stating "Relocate to Hellas Planitia or we will destroy HO."

Martians have tried to relocate the team to the North Pole, but negotiations on the Martian side have been finalized. The proposed team name will be the Hellas Helicopters. A jersey concept is being sketched up.

The Martian Federation of Hockey is waiting on replies from the Simulation Hockey League's Head Office as well as the Tampa Bay Barracuda to relocate the team. They expect negotiations to go smoothly or they'll take the entire SHL hostage and invade Earth. Should this happen, the invasion is scheduled for the end of S56, when the Martian military has been thoroughly trained in Earth combat.

Should this happen, the human species will not be expected to survive.

TheHockeyist · 07-12-2020, 07:38 PM

Update: It has been announced by the Tharsis News Channel that soldiers from the western part of Valles Marineris will be specially trained to deal with Tampa's humid climate should Earth not comply with the Martian Federation of Hockey's requests. This is a warning from Mars.

PremierBromanov · 07-12-2020, 07:50 PM

who leaked

TheHockeyist · 07-13-2020, 04:03 AM

Note to self: Check the spelling of the team's name before you submit the media piece. facepalm

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