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TheHockeyist · 11-12-2020, 09:10 PM

Hello guys. This is sort of an update to “I’m done.” where I said that I was leaving the league for a bit due to mental health reasons.

(Also, apparently I was traded to Hamilton, where I won the Cup before my retirement. Igor of course would have enjoyed that before suffering his lab accident. Nothing more to say.)

At the time I left the league, it was only a few hours after I was declared “borderline nonfunctional” by my therapist. I was advised to see a doctor, which I did a few days later. I got a diagnosis that I had suspected for a long time, but never had confirmed until then.

“Moderate to severe depression” was the diagnosis. The doctor also suggested that I had suicidal ideations. They weren’t major, but the doctor was concerned. He immediately prescribed me an antidepressant and sent me to a psychologist for further evaluations. I was also asked to write weekly reports of my mental health.

It was at this time that I sent in a note to my technical institution asking for three months off. I will re-evaluate that decision soon to see if I need a longer or permanent break. I very well could become self-taught or transfer to an institution that is more… friendly to my less-than-ideal internet connection.

Anyway, I was prescribed 10 milligrams of the antidepressant to take every evening. Initial results showed that the low dose was ineffective, so the doctor increased the dose to 20 milligrams in mid-October. Since then, there has been some improvement, and my days average 4/10 or 5/10. Not ideal, but not worse.

My first psychological evaluation confirmed my depression independently of the doctor’s diagnosis, and I was given strategies to attempt to lessen the most severe effects. Not eliminate them, but just make them bearable to help get through the day. Combined with my antidepressant medication, this was believed to give the best long-term outcome for my mental health.

I’ve also gone through a bit of an existential crisis since then, wondering who I was in this… troubled time for me. I’ve been interacting more with my roleplaying group, and I discovered the furry fandom. Yes, the furry fandom. You may laugh now. Nonetheless, I found it enjoyable and I decided to join. I’m currently in the process of slowly designing a fursona. Also I’m looking into more of the self-improvement community so I can have increased motivation and discipline to work on the things I want to do in life. The last few years have been troublesome, especially recently. I don’t want next year to end up like the last few years (failure, failure, failure), so I’ve decided to take initiative.

What I want to do next year is still uncertain. I know I want to change as a person. Even my username feels… old. It’s almost seven years old now. I’ve changed as a person since I chose it seven years ago. I was a hockey nerd. My teenage self was a hockey fan, knew all of the NHL teams, some of the major players, etc. This also led me into various hockey communities. I still am a hockey fan, though to a lesser extent than I was back then. I’ve shifted more into other areas of the internet since then, and I feel like it’s time to sort of… reinvent myself from scratch, like a phoenix rising from the ashes to take on a new form for the new year.

Then again, I say that every year and it always comes back to bite me. I always say that this year will be different before failing to take into account either my own personality or events that I didn’t foresee, like the severity of the COVID-19 pandemic (thought it would be minor and that it would be over in a few months - hell no!).

I am feeling better, even if only slightly, and I’ve learned a lot from this… terrible year. Initially, I wanted to go into programming, so I went to a technical institution to learn coding. Then I had the ride of my life through mental health, including all sorts of emotions and feelings that I struggled with, thinking they were permanent.

I’m finally getting treatment for that, and I feel healthy enough that I want to reinvent myself online. I’m not the same person I was six years ago, and I’m thinking I want to start over online.

Not to say that I won’t abandon my friends online (seriously, I love you guys), but I do want to sort of… start over if that makes sense. Hopefully you guys understand.

As of now, I’m going to start planning out what I want to do for the rest of the year so I can start the next one as I want to start it.

Hugs for everyone. This has been a… hard and unexpected journey for me.

Take care guys.

-TheHockeyist

Blastmeaway · 11-12-2020, 09:17 PM

stay safe mate

Shout out to ml002, schultzy, slashacm, tedward!
[Image: blastmeaway.gif]

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09-05-2018, 10:04 PMBeaver Wrote: Wow look what the PT affiliation has done to our pristine league.

12-19-2018, 12:31 AMBeaver Wrote: I personally blame the PT affiliation for handing out massive amounts of free TPE to all these players, inflating the TPE they're at when they get called up.

[Image: Capture21.PNG?width=400&height=90]

***bluesfan55*** · 11-12-2020, 09:39 PM

nice to see that things have gotten better for you, and i hope it continues that way

ty to @High Stick King @EvilAllBran and @Ragnar for the sigs

*slothfacekilla* · 11-12-2020, 09:49 PM

Thanks for sharing your progress, hope it only gets better from here <3

**bbjygm** · 11-12-2020, 09:51 PM

11-12-2020, 09:10 PMTheHockeyist Wrote: Anyway, I was prescribed 10 milligrams of the antidepressant to take every evening. Initial results showed that the low dose was ineffective, so the doctor increased the dose to 20 milligrams in mid-October. Since then, there has been some improvement, and my days average 4/10 or 5/10. Not ideal, but not worse.

The beginning of treatment can sometimes feel like a long time because you have to balance your body's immediate response to increased doses with your body's eventual level of tolerance for the meds. It's a long term control system, but admitting a problem and getting started tends to be the hardest part. Glad you've started.

11-12-2020, 09:10 PMTheHockeyist Wrote: I’ve also gone through a bit of an existential crisis since then, wondering who I was in this… troubled time for me. I’ve been interacting more with my roleplaying group, and I discovered the furry fandom.

Don't know much about the furry fandom personally, only that they can show a ton of dedication for their fursona. It doesn't surprise me to hear you have taken an interest considering your roleplaying interest.

11-12-2020, 09:10 PMTheHockeyist Wrote: Then again, I say that every year and it always comes back to bite me. I always say that this year will be different before failing to take into account either my own personality or events that I didn’t foresee, like the severity of the COVID-19 pandemic (thought it would be minor and that it would be over in a few months - hell no!).

It should hopefully be easier to "stick to your guns" now that you're addressing one of, if not the, underlying problem(s). I hope your motivation increases with your improved mental health, and you can reflect on that improvement.

Good luck!

***Chevy*** · 11-12-2020, 09:52 PM

Keep checking in when you can. It’s great continuing to hear from you

Ronniewalker · 11-13-2020, 01:53 AM

Hi! Great to see this update from you. The meds will take time to begin to actually work and it’ good that you’re getting counseling too. Take it easy though and be a bit careful not to overburden yourself with too many new interests at the same time, it’s important to leave yourself time to just rest and reflect too. Also, maybe I don’t have to say this, but regarding the meds, be sure to follow the doctor’s orders even when it starts to already feel like you’re well enough and maybe don’t need them anymore. The fallback from dropping the meds too soon can be real bad, as I’ve witnessed a couple of times on people close to me. Take it one step at a time and stay the course and you’ll be fine in the end Smile

I wish you well on your way to recovery and discovery! And keep giving these updates every now and then - apart from helping to sort out your own thoughts, updates like these can sometimes help others to realize a thing or two about themselves and their own mental health as well Smile

Sigs by sulovilen , Ragnar , supertardis101 , Leviadan , High Stick King , Carpy & KaleSalad

S69 Challenge Cup Champion - Philadelphia Forge Forge

S59 & S62 Challenge Cup Champion - Texas Renegades

S57 Four Star Cup Champion - Anchorage Armada Armada

S57 & S58 WJC / S62, S64 & S66 IIHF Gold Medalist - Team Finland Finland

After 69 shots on net with still no SHL goals to show for it, even the opposition started to feel so sorry for Lemo, that they decided to help him out :D

- Bad pass by Jack Klompus, he gave it right to Lemo Pihl.

- Lemo Pihl rips it to the net...

- Lemo Pihl will find the empty net, that should do it!

TEX @ MAN, S59 game 31

TheFlash · 11-13-2020, 10:57 AM

nice to hear from you! Glad things are starting to improve for you. Please keep us updated on your journey!

~~Corbuto~~ · 11-13-2020, 11:29 AM

Stay safe and get a full recovery very soon man!

*Count Chocula* · 11-13-2020, 11:32 AM

Appreciate the openness here bud, most people are afraid to admit they need or have gotten professional help. Glad to hear you're doing better though. I don't think I've ever talked to you before, but hit me up if you ever need someone to talk to.

PremierBromanov · 11-13-2020, 11:54 AM

Glad you're feeling somewhat improved. Regarding furries, hey man whatever works. If you find a community that loves you and makes you feel welcome, go full force. or a hobby that gives you purpose, go at it.

GCool · 11-13-2020, 12:58 PM

Happy to hear you're on the mend. I dealt with a lot of things when I was first on here, caused me to lash out and me meaner than I typically am. I've always dealt with anxiety, been pretty candid about that throughout my years here. Cancer didnt help that psychology, either. But the steps you're taking are great! Keep up the good work. Itll feel hard, and some days anxiety and depression will win. Sometimes there isnt much you can do about it in the moment. What you can do in the long run is understand what hurts you most, and really considering the paths of thought those things make you take.

EricNCSU · 11-13-2020, 04:03 PM

Thank you for sharing this, and thank you thank you thank you for taking care of yourself!

Like you, I was recently diagnosed with severe anxiety coupled with moderate depression/suicidal thoughts. I'm now on medication that has made a WORLD of difference. There is NO shame in it. I'm so happy you are taking care of yourself. Mental health is important and you are not "broken".

The entire world is going through a collective trauma right now with the pandemic and wild fires in Australia and the US (and other places I'm sure), plus a busier than normal hurricane season for North and Central America and the Caribbean and the US election which has effect global markets and panic and all kinds of shit. We are all fucked up right now to some degree or another.

Best of luck in your continued journey!

***boom*** · 11-14-2020, 03:45 PM

Glad you're doing better! Best of luck going forward.

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