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charlieconway · 08-30-2021, 08:06 AM

The salesman leans back in his chair, having just explained the function of each pill. He looks to me, and then to the pills. He thinks he knows which I will take. Big Mistake.

I reach for the black pill.

I pop it in my mouth and tilt my head back. The effects aren’t immediately apparent, but somewhere out there in the world, the current PT director vanishes in a cloud of smoke and dust. Now is my time to shine.

Without a word I rush out of the circus tent the salesman calls an office, beelining straight to my broken down Toyota, where I find my trusty laptop sitting on my back seat.

The first thing I do is head to www.simulationhockey.com, where I type out my very own prompt, the first of many:

charlieconway has declared himself emperor of mankind and all things, vowing to lead humanity to a bright and brilliant future.
Written task: Pledge allegiance to your new supreme overlord. (150+ words)
Graphic task: Depict yourself pledging allegiance to your new supreme overlord.

My plan is foolproof. To disobey would be to forgo 3 TPE, which no sane sim hockey user would do. By the magical laws that bound PTs and this scenario, I am now king amongst kings. I am eternal. I am Charlie I, the PT director, and I will take my place among the stars.

sakrosankt · 08-30-2021, 08:25 AM

Red pill is not of my liking. Can't defend a heist sitting on the toilet half of your life.
Blue pill is not of my liking. I have problems with relying on my instincts, probably would die within a few minutes. Super strength + blindness could get me in big troubles really fast I think.
Green pill is not of my liking. Who really wants to be a Kid again? That's lame. Wouldn't be able to spend my $400 millions probably. Could find a way with my intelligence, but a kid, really? Nope thx. I have fun living in dumbness.
Orange pill could be useful. But I have no allergies I know of.
Pink pill is so paradox, are ther Korean pop stars with the talent of one? Probably yes, but I don't follow that genre at all. Would also probably distract me and the heist crew has easy way to suceed.
Brown pill is not of my liking. Sitting on the toilet half of my life without having super speed even.
Purple pill sounds good.
Black pill no thanks, as I could fade into non-existence by taking the pill. If another one takes the pill after me, I'm a goner as I would be the actual PT director and will be gone.

So from that summary, I'd probably have to take the purple one as it sounds least dangerous.

The effect of the pill (to meet the PT criteria): After some thinking I choose to take the purple pill and it tastes like a grape jelly bean. I feel normal about it.

***hhh81*** · 08-30-2021, 08:33 AM

Cassius Darrow absolutely would pass on all this; it's not his kind of thing. Despite age slowing him a step, Darrow still trains like the psychopathic 20 year old he once was. He believes in his methods, and doesn’t need a performance enhancer, no matter how good.

His agent, Johnny Hamilton, however, absolutely is taking a pill. This crazy old Philadelphia man fears few things. Not needing any of the fancy pills, he grabs the orange pill. With the trees turning soon, the rotting leaves always sets off his allergies--he can put that pill to good use. When he was on Zyrtec a few years ago, he broke out in big splotchy rashes all over his body. He could breathe fine, but the burning and peeling were not worth the tradeoff.

This allergy med goes a lot smoother. He was drowsy for a week or two, but once he got used to it Johnny felt great. His colleagues, who knew about his longstanding allergy issues would ask him what his secret was and he gave a smarmy smirk and changed the subject.

MN_Moosey · 08-30-2021, 08:43 AM

I have to choose the orange pill. Struggling with allergies makes playing hockey extra difficult. Your nose drips everywhere and your eyes itch so bad. Those gloves don't help when you are trying to rub your eyes. That and every teammate looks at you with concern as you are sneezing your guts out on the bench. They scoot just a little bit further away for their own safety. With this pill, nothing can stop me now. My eyes have become clear and I can properly see everything that happens on the ice. I can breathe more clearly so coach sends me out on more shifts. Not sure if that is a good or a bad thing but we will have to wait and see. Most importantly, my teammates actively want to sit next to me during shift breaks. We can fist bump and not have to worry about getting my snot all over their gloves. They also don't look at me like I am the next carrier of the bubonic plague.

Talls · 08-30-2021, 08:47 AM

This one is easy. As a goalie with allergies, I easily take the orange pill. Maybe it will help keep all of the water out of my eyes so I can see the puck better.

For that reason and the fact that all the other pills are useless, make this pretty cut and dry for me. I do not need speed at all, as I am already a goalie with good reflexes. Speed won't help me there. And, although I am already in the position to release my bowels, I would still prefer not to do that in a game. I do not need strength as I can already stop the puck. Plus, I need to see to react to a shot. I do not need to be smart, just quick with my reflexes. And, having the body of a child means that I would not block as much of the net.

I would never take the pink pill because I am a J rock fan. I do not need that garbage. Obviously, no to the brown pill, for the same reason mentioned earlier. I am not a fan of jelly beans, so no purple pill for me. And finally, I would not want to be the PT director because I am not as creative as the current one.

***Ace*** · 08-30-2021, 08:47 AM

This is one of the oddest PT prompts I have ever seen on this site. I suppose, in the spirit of the PT, I will state that Bjorn Viggosson has tremendously bad allergies, so he will need to take an orange pill. Although the PT prompt states that these all give “extraordinary power”. Is stopping sneezing consistently an extraordinary power? What else lies hidden within the orange pill? We will have to wait and see for the side effects after Bjorn enjoys his allergy relief. I will chase my allergy medication with the pink pill, so I can secure fame and the monetary support that comes with it. I am ok without the talent of a Korean pop star, because Bjorn is a hockey player, not a K-Pop performer. Now that we’ve talked about pills and taking them, Bjorn is going to check into a substance abuse center so he can get the help he needs.

KC15 · 08-30-2021, 08:48 AM

PBE Affiliate PT

DarkCanuck29 · 08-30-2021, 08:54 AM

Duncan Mackenzie does not hesitate for a second. He grabs the blue pill and swallows it immediately. He begins to swell and he watches his strength score fly past twenty. That is the last thing he sees as darkness slides over his vision. He turns towards where he thinks his coach is. "Coach," Duncan says, "put me on the ice and let me go." Duncan Mackenzie starts the game on Right Wing. Right of the faceoff he starts skating at top speed in the general direction of the scrape of blades and the smacking of sticks. BOOM. He connects with someone sending them flying across the ice, sticks, gloves and helmet heading in different directions. More skating then another massive impacts. SMASH. Friend or foe does not matter as DMack clears the ice with his mighty strength. At last, DMack connects with the glass at top speed, knocking himself unconscious. Bloodied and battered skaters from both teams slowly collect their gear and limp back towards the benches. DMack is suspended. For now...

Winnipeg Aurora Aurora

notoriousTRON · 08-30-2021, 09:11 AM

Ok so I'm intrigued by this guy. What's his story? How did he get into this business. I suppose he is pretty shady but ever since I moved to North America I haven't been able to find an allergy pill that works. I've been absolutely hammered with allergies every spring and I'll even take a pill from a weirdo in a trenchcoat. Can he tell me the active ingredient in the orange pill? Actually, it doesn't matter, I don't know enough to know what I'm looking for. "Fuck it," I tell him between sniffles, "I'll try anything, give me the orange pill." I'm in my peak season in the SHL and I don't really want to risk anything messing with my team's chances of winning a cup so I'm not going to take the risk of any of the downsides of these pills. But maybe the allergy pill can help me train better or just be more comfortable. Anyway, he didn't say I couldn't take two so I'll take the grape jellybean too.

Sig Cred: Carpy, ML, RainDelay, Donini & Geekusoid

*Drokeep* · 08-30-2021, 09:18 AM

Alright so the obvious choice here is the red pill, especially for game days. And it is true that on the outside these 2 look like one advantage and one disadvantage, but this pill is a win–win scenario for Hans Graf. Imagine not only being able to be a speed demon on the ice, but also being able to piss every 15 minutes. You’d have a guaranteed shift every 15 minutes where people will not get close to you.
Sure, it might cause some problems in regular day to day life, like watching a movie or playing games, but the on ice benefits more than make up for it. I would also feel bad for the equipment manager that will have to clean up after Hans, cause those clothes are going to smell so after every game. But hey, at least he’ll be the fastest boy on earth. No one will be able to catch him.

Seymour · 08-30-2021, 10:04 AM

CrazyMojito · 08-30-2021, 10:20 AM

So initially I thought the green pill made perfect sense. Give me the intelligence that I need because I seem to lack it on the ice. I can't seem to be in the right spot to score goals, I turn the puck over a lot, and for the most part I am just lost on the ice. With intelligence I'll be unstoppable when combined with the height of 3 feet. You know how hard it would be to knock a 3 foot person off the puck? Then I started thinking though, I know first hand how uncoordinated, slow, and weak children are. I might be able to get to the right spots on the ice but when I can only muster a one timer that sees the puck travel less distance than I am tall, kinda useless.

I am going to go with the grape jelly bean -- I mean the purple pill. My thinking is that the adverse reactions to all the other pills will be a hinderance. Having to poop every 15 minutes will wreak havoc on the body, I can dodge blind people, children are easily puntable, allergy medicine makes most people tired and drowsy, Kpop stars will be self obsessed, and forget being PT director. Who would want that job.

I'll just enjoy the jelly bean and continue my mediocracy.

*WithTheMoose* · 08-30-2021, 10:30 AM

The choice of pills here for Adelie de Pengu comes surprisingly obvious. he is already an Adelie penguin who barely stands taller than three feet as is, so the green pill would simply be a boon to the penguin's already incredible ice skills. As he was already competitive despite his stature, these pills would enhance Adelie into becoming the most dominant defenseman of all time. He already likes to keep things at home and lay down the big hits if anyone ever dreamed of getting near his goalie, but now with the increased intelligence and awareness she'd have the ability to know where players were coming from before they did. This hyper awareness of the ice would allow Adelie to glide around and be in the perfect spot at all times and to the opposition it would seem as if he was everywhere at the same time. Adelie would quickly go from being a threat to being a monster as he'd not only be able to force shut outs, but not even allow opponents to shoot in the first place.

*ZootTX* · 08-30-2021, 11:02 AM

I mean there’s a lot of different and interesting options here, and if you are an allergy sufferer like myself, the orange pill is a might tempting offer. However, I’m going to risk keeping the runny nose and itchy eyes and go with the red pill. Much like choosing the red pill offered up by Morpheus to Neo in the Matrix, taking this red pill will be a life altering experience. Who is speed? I am speed. I’ll be so fast on the ice that no one will even know I was there except for the puck hitting the back of the net and the flashing red light. I’ll need to keep multiple pairs of skates sharpened and ready to go because I’ll dull the blades so fast. Obviously I’ll have to find a solution to the pooping problem. They’ve made adult diapers for a long time now, and once you get over the embarrassment of pooping your pants, it will all be worth it.

165 words

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