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Asked Madden · 02-16-2022, 07:03 AM

To get Joe off my back I thought it would be rather wise to make some double media and get some cash back in my bank account.
So the media has to be playoff based, now you'd think that would give me a good foundation on from which to build but alas you would be incorrect.
My time in sim leagues hasn't exactly brought with it, the most success. Outside of my one ultimus win in the ISFL I haven't ever made the playoffs before. (unless you count the SMJHL playoffs where every team got in and the regular season really didn't mean anything).

That's all about to change this season as (at time of writing this) the New Orleans Specters are going to the playoffs Baybayyyy. Gone are the season of sitting watching from the couch, gone are the days of watching us get spanked week in week out by every single team, gone are the days of watching the lottery hoping for good news.
No, now the Specters are going to the playoffs and looking to make a massive splash. This is the first time since joining that I've actually been able to select my team in the playoff bracket, does that mean I've actually selected us? That's for those of you who want to delve into the response sheet to find out. But put it this way, we have an uphill battle in the first round. Our opponents are the ever present Chicago Syndicate.
(Note: this was started before Chicago had handed our arse to us so if anything seems a bit outdated at time of release you'll understand why)

Let's start this media piece by running down the rosters of both teams. Seeing where everyone matches up and how they're looking. I could be entirely wrong about anything I say here so take it all with a grain of salt.

I'll start off with the easy comparison, TPE levels.
Chicago have definitely got the upper hand on TPE levels and may still be slap bang in the middle of their peak. With their lowest level (not including backup Goalie) sitting at 1186 and maxing out at 2075 at time of writing, the team average is somewhere in the middle at 1614.
A much younger team New Orleans on the other hand max out at 1795 with the lowest player at 773 (a few seasons removed from being called up as a true rookie). The team average here is quite a bit lower only hitting the middling heights of 1423. This was to be expected if you look at the creation seasons of players with the majority of NOLA creating in or after S56 whereas Chicago only have 5 who have created in the same time frame.
So just looking at TPE levels and head 2 heads you'd expect the Syndicate to almost wipe the floor with the Specters. I for one am hoping that isn't the case, nothing would give me more joy than wiping the smug syndicate off the face of the earth in round one of this playoff schedule.
The above may sound rather bleak for the Specters but quite the contrary, we hit our over in the casino for the 3rd season running, we've made the playoffs a couple of seasons before we "technically" should have and we are in a division with a couple of powerhouse teams who look to (hopefully) be aging out - assuming certain GMs don't try to send them dollars on the penny in trades to bolster their squad.
The future is certainly bright for the Specters who hope to disband the syndicate in this playoff fixture. No matter the outcome here it definitely looks like good things are on the horizon.

Anyway, without further ado let's fire through the players on each team. There will be 0 rhyme, reason or structure to this so just be here for the whirlwind tour of our respective teams

Goalies:
NOLA GK1: Jon St. Ark - @Arkz - S57 - 1598TPE

NOLA's number one Goalie Jon St. Ark is a bright spark for this very young team. Close to TPE lead in the class St. Ark should look to be a wall in net for the Specters for the foreseeable future. However as everyone knows TPE doesn't matter a jot when it comes to Goalies so he's not had the luckiest of seasons thus far. Out of 45 games he as helped the team to 16 wins and 22 losses as well as 2 losses in OT. Not the greatest record for St. Ark though it is worth mentioning he will have been in for the majority of NOLA's more difficult games. St. Arks season peaked with just the one shutout game but that can definitely be seen as being more on the defense as his save % was still over 90%
So, definitely not the greatest season by any means however he still hasn't peaked so is still on the way up alongside the rest of this NOLA team.

Fun Fact: Jon St. Ark sleeps in an isolation chamber floating in lukewarm water.
Every morning he wakes up shrivelled like a prune. By midday his skin is silky smooth and he doesn't look a day over 18.

Chicago GK1: Mat Smith - @Matteo - S56 - 1770TPE

Chicagos number one goalkeeper is also a complete stud. He actually has a similar save % to St. Ark (in fact it was ever so slightly worse) but due to the quality of defense on this team he doesn't see as many shots peppering him.
Smith played a lot more games than his opposition with 55 games played. 36 wins 18 losses (3 of which were in overtime) and a massive 5 shutouts.
Smith will be a key piece of Chicago's title hopes, but before looking ahead they'll need to get past the Specters.

Fun Fact: Mat Smith was named after one of the more overrated actors to have played the Doctor in doctor who. I actually quite enjoyed his portrayal however, he was completely overshadowed by Peter Capaldi coming after. All Peter Capaldi was missing was an element of Malcolm Tucker slipping into the performance.

NOLA GK2: Iorek Byrnison - @Mooty99 - S59 - 903TPE

Right, this section let's me wax lyrical about what could possibly be the best pickup in any draft. In S59 NOLA drafted AN ACTUAL FUCKING BEAR to stand in goals.
Not only is it AN ACTUAL FUCKING BEAR, its a polar bear - where do polar bears live? The Arctic circle, filled with ice (and snow). What better bear to have on the ice.
If that doesn't convince you let's take a closer look. Quite possibly the most violent kind of bear, what do you feel it needs to make it more menacing? That's right armour!
We've got an actual fucking armoured polar bear in goals. How on earth is this allowed? I don't know personally but I'm not going to complain. Can you imagine a more intimidating Goalkeeper? I certainly can't.
To make matters better Byrnison has won more games than he's lost and also had a shutout in his first ever appearance. What a total stud.

Fun Fact: Byrnison isn't paid in SHL bucks, he is instead paid in seals. Every shutout he gets nets him a double helping of Dinner. This may be seen as animal cruelty but its just the circle of life innit.

Chicago GK2: Lord Skrolk - @nykonax - S62 - 249TPE

Something tells me this guy is just here to make up the numbers.
I'll not go into too much detail in Skrolk other than the fact that he gave up on improving and turned himself over to the backup Goalie life.

Fun Fact: Skrolk once played through a Nuzlocke run of pokemon heart gold. When his Ariados (called Tina) went down to Whitneys miltank Skrolk could be heard for days sobbing away in his bedroom.

Defense: I'm going to preface this section by saying I have no idea who plays left or right in he actual sim so I'm just going to stick with Defense and not define left or right.

NOLA D1: Lyle Odelein III - @Huck24 - S48 - 1536 TPE

We kick off with the cornerstone of the New Orleans defense, the man who has been a bright spark through dark days, everyones favourite locker room presence & 2 time fantasy MVP, Lyle Odelein III. Odelein is still for this season the highest TPE player on this NOLA defense, this will be the last season we can say that with regression starting to bite harder and the S58 Dmen coming into their own.
Odelein will be looking to steer this team past the Syndicate, this may be a tough ask as we will be able to see when we take a look at his opposing numbers stats.
A bit past his prime Odelein will be looking for one or two final shots at glory, but this will be his last at the top of the depth chart.

Fun Fact: Lyle Odelein III once saved a Polar Bear cub from a Pod of angry orca whilst he was paddle boarding in the Arctic ocean. This polar bear grew up to be NOLAs very own Iorek Byrnison.

Chicago D1: Juka Timonen - @juke - S53 - 2025 TPE

Odeleins opposite number is the much maligned Juka Timonen. Timonen has been a nightmare for both offences and defences this season, his Puck handling is second to none and his combination of strength and balance make him almost impossible to disposes.
Juka (like many of his Chicago brethren) is just hitting his peak, playing at an absurd level which hasn't always translated to the stat sheet.
Taking care of Tomenen will definitely be one of the top priorities of the Specters, having seen how devastating he can be during the regular season.

Fun Fact: Always crack an egg into their bath before hopping in. They claim the egg white is the reason they have such silky hair.

NOLA D2: Connor Hutton - @overdoo - S55 - 1513 TPE

Connor Hutton was once the next big thing coming out of New Orleans but after one too many Hamilton - Chicago finals he finally decided to reign in the development.
Still a perfectly respectable defender (2nd in NOLAs defensive TPE) you can't help but think a once promising talent is squandering their golden years.
Hutton will likely partner up with Odelein on the 1st line during this set of playoff games & much like Odelein this is likely to be Huttons last season as outright 1st line Dman.
Hutton is very much an offensive defense man, who can read the offensive game plan brilliantly. He does get a bit exposed when the opposition target him on defense but hopefully he'll be able to stand up to this formidable Chicago team as best he can.

Fun Fact: Connor Huttons left foot is a size and a half larger than his right foot. This is due, in part, to the fact that the tip of his right big toe was lost in a gruesome arm wrestling mishap. You'll have to ask him for the gorey details but it is likely he has completely blocked it from memory.

Chicago D2 - Akira Ren - @Velevra - S50 - 1737 TPE

Is this person named after something from Persona 5? I have no idea but a quick Google search seemed to think so. Anyways, Ren has the second largest TPE stash across the defense in both if these teams for this matchup with an impressive 1737 meaning the 1st line for Chicago will likely have more than 700 extra TPE distributed than their new Orleans counterparts.
Ren also excels in the same areas as their defensive cohort, rhode being Puck handling strength and balance although Ren has managed to home their checking skills which are close to perfect.
Akira Ren had a very strong season, managing to break the 60 point barrier whilst still performing rather admirably on defense.

Fun Fact: Akira Ren went through high school believing Almonds had nipples because "how else do you extract the milk?"

NOLA D3: Zlatan Ibrahimovic Jr - @soulja - S51 - 1489 TPE

Another one of NOLAs more experienced players (though the majority of his career has not been in he purple and black) regression has started to pay a toll on the Swedish King. Still good enough for the second line (if not for long), Zlatan is another 2 way defenseman so will be looking at not only stopping the vaunted Chicago offense but will also be looking to put up as many points as possible at the other end of the ice.
This was something he managed to do a decent amount of during the regular season though maybe not quite as much as he did in the past only reaching a points total of 32 averaging around one point every 2 games.
Being a two way defenseman is clearly on show when looking at his strengths with him being most skillful in getting open & hitting. We'll be hoping Zlatan will be able to find the net during this occasion but matching up against this Chicago defense may prove that to be very difficult.

Fun Fact: Zlatans daily breakfast is 3 cans of Pork 'n' Beans heated up and poured into a hollowed out loaf of bread. This is followed up by a protein milkshake chaser where any leftover bean juice from the cans of pork "n" beans are emptied into the milkshake.

Chicago D3: Disisde Dayudie - @Samsung virtual assistant - S50 - 1591 TPE

The third highest in TPE on the Chicago side of the defence, Dayudie hasn't had the most effective of seasons. The worrying fact of the matter is, going by total TPE Dayudie would still find himself as the highest TPE if he was on the Specters.
Dayudie is past his peak at this point mind you so is on his way down the TPE ladder. That doesn't matter one jot for this game however as the TPE is set for the series, (and between me and you, I've dilly dallyed over this media and the series is already completely finished).
NOLA will have to look out for Dayudies excellent defensive read and his lethal checking.

Fun fact: Dayudie has named all of their toes. His absolute favourite is his left pinky toe "Lil' Miss Jezebell"

NOLA D4: Ole Olson - @Amidships - S58 - 1455 TPE

Next on the up for New Orleans is likely to be the first half of their first line next season. Ole Olson is a solidly balanced defender with great physicals. Coming into the season Olson was near the top of his class in TPE Earned and that hasn't slowed down whatsoever.
The Specters primary shot blocker Olson has been an absolute wall this season and a big reason as to how the Specters made it into the playoffs.
Olson will be matching up against Chicagos Kamado who still has a slight TPE advantage. Being a couple of seasons older than Olson that is to be expected. Judging by projections Olson should take over next season.
What Olson lacks in TPE at this stage of his career he more than makes up for in just being a boneafide stud. Olson will be all over the rink this post season making a menace of himself anywhere he wants. A very strong Dman on the 2nd line.

Fun Fact: Ole Olson once saved a cat from a tree, that may not sound impressive but when you take into account the tree was a gigantic redwood and the cat was a mountain lion the story becomes a lot more dangerous and exciting.

Chicago D4: Tanjiro Kamado - @Andy - S56 - 1525 TPE

Bloody hell this is getting tedious. I feel I bit off more than I could chew. Not only am I barely halfway through the article, the team are already out and I decided making this article on my phone was a great idea.
Anyway onto Kamado. I don't want any offense to be taken by the Chicago team but fucking hell is every single one of these players a cookie cutter of each other? Let's take a look at the strengths of Kamado... Can you guess what they are? Yes that's right, checking and defensive read with excellent balance and strength? Daring today aren't we?
At least Kamado has a 2 way thing going with a lot of training going into his offensive skills, excelling at getting open and reading the offense. No doubt kamado will have managed to have made an impact on the series (I've not checked as it was incredibly depressing reading).

Fun Fact: Kamados favourite TV program is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on Disney+. He most closely relates to Pete, being the 4th best semi recurring character in the program. (yes I'm writing this whilst my daughter sits watching Disney+ at least it isn't Frozen again I guess)

NOLA D5: Jean-Locke Zidane - @Nictox - S58 - 1342 TPE

Here is one of my favourite players across the whole SHL. In a world full of two way defenders and offensive defensemen it's really refreshing to see a good old fashioned defensive defenseman.
Zidane has perfected his read of the defense making sure his positioning is always perfect. Combining that with a, yep you guessed it, strong focus on checking and you get an absolute demon on the 3rd line.
On top of this, Zidane has put a not insignificant amount of TPE in fighting and aggression. I'd love to see him ply a bit more in these and really take on a goon role going forward but I have no idea how viable that is in the world of FHM or if that is just going to cause issues for the team going forward.
Zidane is well known as the team prankster often masquerading as other members of the team, causing people to get extremely confused when they aren't talking to who they thought.
Either way Zidane is a fun one to watch and will only continue to improve alongside the rest of this young NOLA team.

Fun Fact: In a visit to London Zidane managed to bluff his way into Buckingham Palace by dressing up and acting like prince Phillip (RIP).
He was only identified because he wasn't making any lewd comments to the maids and hadn't been "accidently" racist during a visit from an African tribe.

Chicago D5: Corey Kennedy - @SDCore - S47 - 1474 TPE

Now we are getting towards a couple of players on the back end of their careers.
The first of these is sim league veteran SDCore with his player Corey Kennedy.
At S47 he is one of the top 2 in this team in age having been around for over 15 seasons now.
Having a player of this quality sitting on your 3rd line is absolutely disgusting. He could very easily slot in on the second line in most teams.
Kennedy hasn't exactly been a points machine this season, totalling just 20 across the board however, what he has been is a complete menace to opposing offense. The man wracked up 123 hits and an even more impressive 133 blocks. I've used the term brick wall earlier in this media piece but I feel the name works for Kennedy even this late in his career.

Fun Fact: In his spare time Kennedy races small beetles. No not the car, he goes out and finds beetles in the garden and sets them up in his homemade "racetrack". The last place beetle gets fed to his bearded dragon. The pride of his beetle collection is a dung beetle he had imported, it has yet to finish outside of the top 3 and usually wins.

NOLA D6: Slip Mcscruff - @"Scrufdady" - S45 - 1285 TPE

We're onto the final 2 defensive players now. And these 2 players are at opposite ends of their careers.
For NOLA we have the oldest player on the ice, you could call him wise, you could call him experienced but whatever you want to call him its unfortunate to say he's pretty much past it.
However he also happens to be the only player in defense who has more TPE than their opposite number on Chicago so, that's an absolute win I guess.
Mcscruff hasn't had the most fruitful of seasons toting up only 11 hits. Which as a defensman is actually highly impressive for all the wrong reasons. He performed much better in the shit blocking side of things finishing 1 away from triple digits.
Where Mcscruff may lack in TPE he makes up in locker room entertainment. Post games you can find him giving renditions of Johnny Cash and doing his best Tommy Cooper impressions. With his ice hockey career coming to a close in the next few seasons he must be looking to get into the showbusiness business.

Fun Fact: Slip Mcscruff couldn't speak for the first 10 years of their life. He spent the whole time just pointing at things he wanted.
After taking him to a speech and language specialist it turned out he could speak the whole time but just couldn't be bothered putting up with anyone else's bullshit so decided not to.

Chicago D6: Shion Okamoto - @lmao - S58 - 1260 TPE

And here we are, the lowest TPE player on defense comes from Chicago through the player Shion Okamoto.
Lowest TPE on the Syndicate doesn't exactly mean bad player, considering the heady heights of the rest of the team. Having a player at this level just brings them back down to earth a little bit.
Being at the bottom of the depth chart hasn't exactly hampered Okamotos season, he still cleared 25 points and put up a respectable amount of hits and shot blocks.
Looking at where he's focussed his growth, he's going for a decently skilled defender with checking still being the highest stat although that is even with both passing and puck handling.
With the rest of Chicago coming up to s rough period of regression Okamoto could see themselves as the cornerstone of the defence in seasons to come. It will be interesting to see if they keep earning already falling off the pace of the top earners of their draft class.

Fun Fact: Uses A spork to eat his breakfast cereal. Has been quoted as saying "a spoon at the start when it's runny, then a fork when it's been sitting for a while and coagulated"

This feels like as good a place as any to stop just now.
I plan on doing the offense later on and cracking it out before double media is over. It will all be very late as we are already out but ho hum. Gotta get that money somehow.

Goodbye... For now

Huck24 · 02-16-2022, 02:40 PM

Fun fact: I really enjoyed your fun facts.

Asked Madden · 02-16-2022, 02:51 PM

Thanks Huck.
They are there to break up what would otherwise be very tedious media

SDCore · 02-17-2022, 02:47 AM

02-16-2022, 07:03 AMAsked Madden Wrote: Fun Fact: In his spare time Kennedy races small beetles. No not the car, he goes out and finds beetles in the garden and sets them up in his homemade "racetrack". The last place beetle gets fed to his bearded dragon. The pride of his beetle collection is a dung beetle he had imported, it has yet to finish outside of the top 3 and usually wins.

This is absolutely incredible. I love it and it is now canon. Great media piece made me really chuckle.

Sorry not sorry the series wasn't closer but blame @Nictox "Praise the loaf"

If you are doing anything to Joe it should be to annoy him.

Honestly thanks for a fun read.

*Samsung virtual assistant* · 02-17-2022, 10:24 AM

nooooo dont tell them about my toes i told you that in secret

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