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LordBirdman · 07-26-2022, 08:11 PM

The annual San Francisco Pride Team Awards Dinner recently took place in the parking lot of Four Seasons Landscaping and Pest Control. Newly hired Co-GM Richard Hogsworth was tasked with scheduling the dinner and in his first move since being fired from his GM position as the Colorado Raptors, clearly thought he was booking the Four Seasons Hotel. The husky Co-GM was excited to make a good impression and made the best of it with crudely thrown together folding chairs, plastic tables, oriental rugs on the pavement, and a significant order of pizza and wings from the local House of Pizza that was probably a front for illicit activity. He also ordered a couple cases of Colt 45’s, Mad Dog 20/20’s, and a few liters of Diet Pepsi for the gang.

The team arrived and were clearly disgusted by what they saw but didn’t make their displeasure known. Head GM Kurtis Hunter (@Toast), an SHL legend and former player from the early days of the league, made some nice opening remarks about another strong season that unfortunately came up short of the team’s goal – winning the cup. With that, he turned it over to Richard Hogsworth to run through the team awards.

The first award Hogsworth presented was the Kelly Rivet award for the team’s season MVP. Hogsworth began, “this player had a great season and you clearly all thought he was the most valuable player, because that is what the award is for… it’s for the player that you all thought was most valuable to the team. It’s the MVP award. This player was an offensive juggernaut for the Pride, scoring a career-high 79 points and notching a second straight season of 30 goals.”

“The S65 Kelly Rivet award winner is none other than Walton Stromberg (@sulovilen)!”

The team applauded the top line center’s achievement and Stromberg walked up to the makeshift podium to receive his award.

As Stromberg returned to his seat with the trophy in hand, a rat scurried underneath the oriental rug that his seat was resting upon. In a fit of rage at the disrespect of this rat ruining this special moment for him, Stromberg began to stomp at the rat, playing a strange game of oriental rug whack-a-mole with his foot. When he didn’t have luck he dropped to his knees and used his new hardware to beat the rat into a pulp.

The rest of the team looked on in horror and then quickly diverted their eyes away from the enraged Finn.

“Ok that’s enough Stromberg, congratulations on your award but it’s time to move on to the Geronimo Otto award. This award is the player that demonstrates great leadership qualities and is chosen by his/her peers to be recognized for their contribution to a strong locker room environment.”

“The winner of the S65 Geronimo Otto award for team leadership is…”

Hogsworth’s voice trailed off and a look of great distress came over him. The rat that Stromberg had just obliterated must have been the leader of the rat clan that lived in his forsaken parking lot and his rat buddies had come in force looking for vengeance. The players began to panic – the rats looked pretty scary. It was at this moment that Slavakov Vladimirashenko stood up and yelled some sort of war chant in Russian… no one is really sure what he said because it was in Russian. The team rallied around Slavakov nonetheless and collectively beat back the rat army with empty Colt 45 bottles.

“Good job team and great leadership Slavakov. Conveniently, I can now announce that the S65 Geronimo Otto award for team leadership goes to Slavakov Vladimirashenko (@Bfine)!”

The team clapped and cheered yet again but were starting to wonder what they were doing in this parking lot.

“With that rat business behind us, we will be handing out the Jack Tanner award for the most underrated player. After receiving this award, the player will no longer be underrated and will be appropriately rated by the team.”

“I’m pleased to announce that the S65 Jack Tanner award for the most underrated player goes to… wait a minute, there are two names listed here? This raises a serious philosophical question about the ‘most’ and how we think about rating players! Is it even possible for two players to be most underrated? It also calls into question what we are all doing here and whether any of this matters considering the size and scale of the universe. Why do we even play simulation hockey when there are so many things going on in the world and we are but dust in the cosmic wind?”

Hogsworth began shaking and crying uncontrollably. Head GM Kurtis Hunter patted him on the back and told him it would all be ok as he took the microphone from the burly man.

“The winners of the S65 Jack Tanner award are Nicolae Antonescu (@Rancidbudgie) and Borje Samuelsson (@r1c3bowl22)!”

The two walked up to the podium arm in arm as they accepted the award together. The team shouted their appreciate as they were notably getting intoxicated from the low-quality alcohol and Diet Pepsi that was provided for them.

Co-GM Richard Hogsworth seemed to have settled down. He wiped his face with his sleeve and took back the microphone.

“The last award we will be handing out tonight before moving on to next season’s captains announcement is the very special Pride of the Pride award. This player embodies everything we stand for at the Pride, including but not limited to being a great person, friendly presence, and awesome simulation hockey player – someone every team in the league would be lucky to have on their team. The winner of the S65 Pride of the Pride award goes to Kev Kevens (@Keven)!”

Kevens made his way up to the podium, dodging rat carcasses and empty bottles on the way. It was difficult for him to accept the award, because he had been playing Edward 40 hands and had a Colt 45 duct taped to each hand. In an absolute power move, he chugged the remaining quarter malt liquor in each hand before smashing the bottles together off his hands. Miraculously, he sustained no injuries. The team went absolutely wild when he did this and began smashing bottles on the street and hurling rat carcasses in the air in celebration.

Before anyone could make sense of what was going on, sirens began blaring. The San Francisco Police had shown up believing this was some sort of homeless festival, not the award team dinner of a professional simulation hockey team.

“Run!” Hogsworth shouted on the microphone as the team sprinted off. Luckily the team was able to escape and regroup in a nearby alley. In a hushed tone with his eyes darting around, Hogsworth whispered “I’m pleased to announce the Captains for S66 as voted by the team. Wearing the C will be Kev Kevens, and the Alternate’s for this year will be Henrik Lekberg Osterman (@Henrik) and Ruggs McOoooh (@Ruggsy).”

“Now let’s get out of here before the cops catch up to us and also win the cup this season.”

*ZootTX* · 07-26-2022, 08:13 PM

Nice job boys. Well deserved!

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