[1827 words, ready for grading]

Note: This was a piece I wasn't sure if I wanted to write, and if so, how to go about it. I don't want to co-opt anyone's story, but I've never shied away from covering difficult topics in this series. The past couple weeks have been rather disillusioning and I wanted to get my thoughts on it down in the way I know best. To give some background, while the CHL/NHL do not exist in this universe, nor does COVID, it is sadly a reality that the events/incidents creating such a stir are not specific to a league or sport, so the themes have been included here. I just want to do what I can to help further the conversation. This chapter is dedicated to everyone who's ever felt like they couldn't speak up. My DMs are always open.

CW: discussions of sexual harassment/assault, trauma, and mental health

index

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The Quebec City Citadelles were about halfway through their season, and even with Sophie Bordeleau contributing to some incredible depth down the centre, the team wasn't quite firing on all cylinders like they should have been. The team had a great home record, but wasn't very good on the road, leading to a .500 season near the midway point. Sophie herself was having a fairly strong season, with 26 points in 32 games, but something just wasn't clicking. Passes were being missed, pucks skidded off sticks, and the players just seemed to be out of sync when they played. Sophie tried to be a leader to help keep the team on track, as they were still leading in a weak Wollker Division, but for now it was just keeping their heads above water until they could turn their luck around. She did her best on the second line and was also a consistently strong faceoff option, getting pucks to her teammates for shots on goal, and with 17 assists on the year it was a good game plan.

Sophie was starting to feel distracted though, and the reasoning was starting to sometimes show at home. Rumours had started to pop up online about abusive behaviours in the hockey community, and while Sophie had been fortunate enough to play with a supportive and cohesive girls' high school hockey team she had heard some whispers of bad acts in junior hockey. She was upset at realizing that people had been hurt because of her favourite sport, but as she hadn't personally been involved with any of this in her time on the ice she wasn't sure whether she should speak out, and instead just tried to keep her head down and play through it. At home, though, things seemed to be a bit different. Jamie seemed quieter and more evasive, and while things were still mostly normal she had spent more time than usual watching the news. Sophie did her best to comfort her partner where she could, but Jamie seemed to be closing off and she tried to give her space. The days at the rink weren't too different from how they were before, as the Citadelles were a tight-knit group who had never been anything but supportive in Sophie's time in the organization, but the locker room did tend to go silent every time the chatter got close to the story. Things still seemed good, but Sophie was starting to wonder if this was really the case and if there was anything she hadn't seen.

It was a winter day when Sophie came home from practice to find the apartment that the two shared empty. Jamie hadn't left a note or told Sophie where she was going, but the hockey star didn't need to be nervous, she knew her partner was always busy. She was probably just at the store or something, and a couple minutes later the sound of keys in the door reached her ears. Sophie moved towards the door to greet her girlfriend, but as the door swung open it became immediately apparent that something wasn't right. Jamie's head was bowed, and even with her face hidden it was clear that she had been crying. Sophie opened her mouth to try and help make things better, as she did so often, but this time her partner averted her gaze and quickly moved to the apartment's bedroom, closing the door behind her. The hockey player waited a moment before knocking on the bedroom door with a concerned tone. "Is everything okay, babe?" she inquired, trying to keep her voice steady. Her girlfriend was the strongest person in her life and it was so difficult to see her like this. Sophie didn't want to add to her worries at all by not being strong for her. She heard the sound of footsteps coming from the bedroom, and the door swinging open a crack. The first thing she saw was her partner's face looking defeated. Neither of them needed to exchange any words to know that something was very wrong, and the pair embraced, Jamie burying her face in Sophie's shoulder. The taller woman just tried to hold her partner, silently wishing that she could take away the pain from the one she loved. After a couple minutes, Sophie spoke. "If there's anything you want to talk about, I'm here for you. Tell me what you need, okay?" she said, trying to steel her voice. Jamie moved her head back, gazing into the eyes of her partner. "Can we get some tea? I'm sorry that I haven't been very chatty the past couple weeks, and I've been thinking a lot, and I just want to get it out," she responded. 

As the tea steeped, Jamie took a quick sip before placing the mug down on the coffee table, clutching a throw pillow to her chest as she sat on the couple's sofa. "I guess you'd better know," she began. "Before I came to the high school with you, I was in another school in another part of town for my freshman year. I was pretty quiet, didn't talk to too many people outside the art classes. We had a school hockey team, and one of the guys on the team came on to me. He was really sweet at first, and it was nice to be noticed for once. He asked me out, and I went to a couple of their games. I wanted to be one of those girls who was popular and liked," she went on, a tremble creeping into her voice. Sophie reached out and laid her hand on the couch, letting Jamie take it in hers, wanting to provide safety as her partner poured out her soul. "We were dating for a bit, and then he started really wanting my body. He was older and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that, so I would find ways to not have to be alone with him. He eventually got tired and dumped me because I wouldn't put out, and I was back to being a nobody. Later I found out he'd moved on to another girl and ended up forcing himself on her," Jamie choked out into the pillow. Sophie clutched her hand tighter, waiting to form a response. "It's not your fault, J. That guy was an asshole and I'm thankful that you're safe," she said tenderly. 

Jamie shook her head in reply, as if to throw off something invisible on her head. "Everyone treated the girl like crap when they found out, and the worst part is he never got in any trouble for it. I s-should have said something, told a teacher or the principal or someone, and maybe she wouldn't have been hurt b-because of me," she stuttered out, tears welling in her eyes. "I never told anyone about it because I thought if I spoke up, they'd treat me the same as they did the other girl. I asked my parents if I could transfer schools for the art program, which was true, b-but it was also because of what happened there. I tried to forget about everything, thinking if I could bury it deep enough I'd be able to move on. And then I met you, and you were everything to me, and everything was okay from there," Jamie continued. She held onto the pillow in her arms tightly, as if it contained something valuable inside. "Everything was normal up until a few weeks ago, and then the stories about the hockey players started to come out in the news, and it brought me right back to freshman year. I tried to avoid reading about it, but I just couldn't stop thinking about what these people went through, and then all of a sudden I was back at that school, that guy was back in my head." 

Sophie's face dropped and she reached out to hold Jamie, to be her lifeboat in this wild ocean, but Jamie pulled away apprehensively. "I'm really sorry that I haven't been able to make it to your games! It's not your fault at all and I love you so much, it's just...being around hockey players has been triggering lately and I haven't been able to deal with it. I lay awake in bed at night, wondering if the players I've seen on TV hurt someone like that guy did. I'm so sorry," the artist choked out, averting her gaze. What came out of her mouth next hit Sophie like a punch. "I guess I never told you where I was. I started seeing a therapist because I just couldn't deal with all of this on my own, and I've been talking about a lot of things with her, and I just...I'm scared that being in hockey the way I am is going to just keep bringing up stuff. I don't know if I can h-have this life!" she finished, and at last the dam broke and she buried her face in the pillow, her body heaving with sobs. Sophie's mind and heart were racing a hundred miles a second. Was this a breakup? Was the perfect life that she had dreamed of falling apart all at once? She tried to find the words to make this all better, the way she'd been doing her whole life. "It's okay, Jamie. I'm not going anywhere, and whatever you need, I can be that for you," she said, reaching for any way she could fix this. 

Jamie lifted her head from the pillow, blinking back tears with a wide-eyed expression that Sophie had never seen on her girlfriend's face. A look of fear. "I'm so sorry, Soph. I just...the past few weeks have been so awful, and I was scared to tell you the reason why. You're so important to me, I had the biggest crush on you since before we met and I was over the moon when you said you liked me back. I discovered so much about myself during that high school season, and I had the courage to come out because of you. Now this is all in my mind and I...I don't know if I can be yours. I don't know if I can be enough for you if I can't work up the courage to be around hockey again. You're such a cool and brave person, and you deserve someone that you can be all of yourself with, and I don't know what to do because you're so important to me, and I'm just so scared!" she said as she buried her face in her hands. Sophie gently pulled her girlfriend into a warm hug and Jamie let her do so as she cried. Sophie's heart pounded in her chest as she looked over her partner's shoulder, and for the first time in a very long time, she was completely at a loss of what to do.