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spidey · 03-31-2023, 03:43 PM

Welcome to the MAINE TIMBERS 45 YEAR SPECTACULAR!

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I am your host I am excited to be here and to celebrate the Maine Timbers with you. After all being a part of the Maine Timber means you are a lumberjack, and being a lumberjack means…

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and let me be the first to say, we love you guys and how ever you choose to live your life, you have my full support.

Anyway, getting back to it. We are here today to capture the greatest moments in Maine’s history, season 67, that’s it, thanks for making it to the show!

Now that is over with, lets take a trip down memory lane. Let’s go way back Maine Timbers were originally the Halifax Raiders, moving from Halifax to Maine is quite an accomplishment. Some people, not myself, would consider this moving up in the world, what did not follow were any real accomplishments. Well, that’s not exactly true, Maine has won one Four Star Cup in 17 years as part of the Timber *the janitor in the back gives a slow clap* season 67, that is it.

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Proving that the sun does indeed shine on a dogs ass every now and then.

*MAINE FUN FACT TIME*
Some of the actual laws in Maine:
1. Bring your shotguns to church
To be fair this is perhaps the one place I would like to bring my shotgun…so you get a pass.
2. No gambling at the airport
Disappointing as I love gambling on which bag holds a bomb. Typically I am right.
3. City laws supersede federal and state laws.
Because you can always trust a city more then the federal or state…
4. Don’t park in front of Dunkin’ Donuts
Well I am not going to park in front of the Arby’s I sure as hell do not want people to know I go there.
5. Don’t sell mercury thermometers in Freeport
I only sell my Mecury Thermometers at the daycares and tell the kids it is a sweet filling inside.
6. Don’t feed the deer
But we encourage you to feed the bears.
7. No advertisements in cemeteries
But how are ambulance chasing lawyers supposed to drum up business.
8. No roller-skating on sidewalks
I always preferred to Roller-skate in front of cars anyway.

You see The Halifax Raiders were welcomed into the league back in season 25, and quite early the team had a ton of success, winning 2 Four Star trophies in 6 years without missing the playoffs. I would be lying to you if I said Halifax was all sunshine and rainbows, it is Halifax after all. Now I can’t say whether it was missing the sweet Halifax night life, the good Canadian beer, or the women…or men (I’m a lumberjack and I’m ok). What I can say is the change was not good.

The move to Maine started off with a THUD, missing the playoffs in the first two years. It would take an additional 10 years to win one cup. Something Halifax did in year 2. Let’s break this down a little further, they have won one championship in Maine over 16 years. Now I am not great at math but if my calculations are correct that would be…not good.

But this is the spectacular so ... You DID IT! You won it once!

The Timber have become a household name in the SMJHL, with such star players as who was that guy, and I didn’t catch their name. Now you may find this cruel to say, but there is no mention of any player ever in the team’s own records. No hall of fame, Ring of Honor, Not even a participation ribbon room for the poor guys that suffered through season their entire junior careers in Maine.

Clearly this is a team that supports some of the best the league has to offer which is odd because they are doing nothing to celebrate it or maybe those players never did anything to earn recognition during their playing days in Maine. Still the Maine faithful show up each game wearing their favourite poop coloured jerseys to celebrate mediocrity with their team. Which is impressive over 17 years most of it without any real success.

*MAINE FUN FACT TIME*
Weird or perhaps common things to do and see in Maine
The Desert of Maine
Trust Maine to over farm potatoes and let sheep run wild to convert lush farm lands to unusable Deserts.
The Umbrella Cover Museum
Are you in for a fun time! I hope not you are in Maine, welcome to the Umbrella Cover Museum…
"Doc" Grant's Restaurant Sign
That’s right a sign is a tourist attraction it’s the place that sits halfway between the equator and the North Pole.
Author Stephen King's House
Nothing creepy here, just a house, you can't tour it, but it is something of note in Maine's travel tips.
Wild Blueberry Land
Who needs Disney land when you have WILD BLUEBERRY LAND, the premier attraction park of Maine.
Big Jim the Fisherman
Do you like big things? Big Jim is a 60ft fisherman supporting a business that closed down. Come down and get a picture of you standing with him!

*Soft music starts to play as we hear the iconic Sarah McLachlan’s I will remember you kick in*

Let’s take a quick look at some of the great Maine Players currently on the roster:
Mikkel Asmus Sondergard – S54 First Overall – Part of the 2k club! Still did nothing in Maine
Konrad Danke – S54 2nd Round – 355 TPE…
Lucas Johansson – S55 third overall – 1047 TPE a Career 3rd liner
Calvin Hobbes – Arguably should have been in the 2k club as he hit it as he hit regression. Like the rest of Maine so close and yet so far.
Franz Zipfel – S56 third round (they realized it was futile to even draft and threw away their first two picks) 180 TPE
Dogwood Maple – S57 First Round Pick – 2k Club! It’s really amazing they had this many players in the 2k club and so few found success in the juniors…maybe it had to do with the place?
Danny C- S57 second round pick – 691 TPE, won a four start cup in Kelowna…
Miguel Hefeweizen – S58 1 Round Pick – 2k Club…And he would have missed the one time Maine won the 4 star cup.

I am just going to stop now as this is making me depressed. #1 Build a Maine Timber Hall of Fame or something to recognize the talent! #2 How do you hit on so much talent and miss on so much as the same time!

With that being said, lets congratulate the most recent rendition of the Maine Timber, they are the number one team in the league right now. They boast an impressive lineup, leading the league in many categories. Perhaps the most impressive point every single player is has a positive rating in their plus/minus that blows me away.

Honestly and truthfully guys you have done an amazing job so far this year. GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL! I am secretly cheering for your guys, well except when you play the Knights.

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