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*domffl* · 05-04-2023, 10:58 PM

Hello there! My name is Dom and I know nothing about hockey. Let's get started.

In this episode of "What the heck is Dom even talking about," I will be demonstrating my extensive knowledge of hockey abbreviations. But here's the catch--I know absolutely nothing. Including about hockey. Last time I did this, we went over the basic abbreviations. This time, we're tackling the ADVANCED ABBREVIATIONS.
If I'm being completely honest, I'm scared. This is gonna suck. And it's probably not going to be funny. But anyways, here we go.

"PDO"
Uh. Well, last time P usually meant penalty, except when there were two of them, then it meant power play. So, using context clues, I'm going to go ahead and assume that it's Penalties. But now we get to the weird part where I have no idea where to go. Looking at the numbers for what everyone's PDO stat is, it seems to be some sort of efficiency metric, maybe? We talked about it one time in the Winny locker room, but I purposefully stopped listening so that I could write this post with integrity. In the vein of an efficiency metric, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that O stands for Opportunity. But really, this D is tricky. Penalty Degraded Opportunity? Penalty Divided by Opportunity? Maybe it's talking about how often you get penalties vs how often you get opportunities? Who really knows, to be honest. I don't think even most actual hockey fans know what this is. 4/10 confidence

"GF/60"
Well, I know that the /60 means over 60 minutes, aka per game. I could make an easy assumption that G means goal, but that's boring y'know? Let's do something a little bit spicy. This surely means Guilty Forwards over 60 minutes, meaning how many times a forward gets in a fight or has penalty minutes over a 60 minute game. 3/10 confidence

"GA/60"
There are an infinite number of possibilities of what the heck this could represent. Goals Allowed over 60 minutes? Why wouldn't it just Goals Allowed per Game? More than likely because hockey wants to make people work super hard to understand what is even going on when they watch the game. So somehow having an abbreviation with both letters and numbers really must have just tickled them when they thought of a casual mouth-breather like me trying to decipher what sort of soviet hieroglyphics (spelled that right on the first try, i'm a genius) are all over the hockey stat sheet. So, just to stick it to whoever came up with this, I'm going to officially say that it means "Gala Apples eaten in 60 seconds." 10/10 confidence

"SF/60"
Alright alright I had my fun. I'll come back down to the very real possibility of "/60" meaning over 60 minutes a.k.a. the length of one entire hockey match. Previously S stood for shots, so let's just play occam's razor here and say that it stands for Shots For over 60 minutes. Super lame. 4/10 confidence

"SA/60"
So, we obviously have a theme here. And I know stat sheets enough to know that generally when you have something with F and then A right after each other it usually stands for "For" and "Allowed". Or at least, that's what I'm going to say in this article so that you, dear reader, don't think me a total fool. Therefore, following the natural flow of logic and remaining in line with previous answers, I'll lazily decide to call this one "Shots Allowed over 60 minutes". 4/10 confidence

"CF"
Alright, Now I have no basis to cling to in order to make an educated guess. But let me just let you have a peek into the very real, pleasantly horrifying stream of thoughts that poured into my consciousness when I saw this abbreviation: "CF? What the heck? I thought that was a position...no, that's C. Which stands for..Center. Oh, duh, it's Center Fielder. No Dom, this is a stat, not a position...Clips Fought?...Check Forgery?...Alright, this is useless. I'll just write something stupid down and then maybe I'll do a little bit where I give them a look into my very real, pleasantly horrifying stream of thoughts that poured into my consciousness when I saw this abbreviation."
In an attempt to get a little more info, I decided to just look at what some of the players CF stats looked like. And that made me even more confused than I previously thought possible. There is like a full 1,000 point difference between the dang CF stats for these player, man. Surely this is some sort of efficiency and not a real tally stat, right? and is higher better? Or is it stupid like PDO? Whatever. Final guess: "[Stick] Checks For". 3/10 confidence

"CA"
Well, one can only hope that this would be the inverse of the one before it right? Surely it can't be some completely unrelated stat (as if the stat I guessed is even tangentially connected to hockey). Sooooo, by the transitive and reciprocal properties, I would have to guess that this stands for "[Stick] Checks Allowed", which calculates how many times you let a defender dispossess you with a stick check or something silly like that. Stick checking is for babies anyways, real hockey players body check, ESPECIALLY when you have the opportunity to body check someone into their own bench dugout thing.

"C"
:neutral_face: Welp, if there was any hope left, this is the point where it has been completely lost. What the heck is this? A stat the shows massive negative numbers? This is an absurd sport for barbarians and Canadians and the mathematicians are playing pranks on them by coming up with these ludicrous statistics. Therefore, this stat has to be a measurement of "Calls". Meaning, how much game does this fella have. When they strike out, it goes in as a negative tally, thereby resulting in numbers several hundreds below zero. Because what kind of person wants to marry a man with no front teeth? But if the player gets a girl's number, then it counts as +1 in the "C" column. This is the only logical explanation of this abbreviation and why the stat is consistently negative. I will accept no other alternative theories. 9/10 confidence

"CF%"
Well, if CF was Checks For, then whatever logic I have left after writing that last paragraph tells me that this should mean "Checks For Percentage", meaning what percentage of their dribbles (?) are they dispossessed by a stick check. This is a helpful tool in determining if a player is actually prone to turnovers or just has the puck a whole bunch which would inflate his raw "CF" stat. 2/10 confidence

"CF% Rel"
Come on now. This one just has to be made up. Relative? Relative to what? To like, their position? Bless my heart for thinking this article was a good idea. I don't have a clue as to what to do with this here. So, let's go with the above definition of "CF%" and say that this one calculates your CF% as a percentile when compared to your position (lol what a convoluted statistic). Please tell me that my pain in trying to guess at these is at least getting a chuckle from you. 1/10 confidence

"FF"
Well, my first thought when I see this is my good buddy FirstFray. But when I remember that I'm writing about made up hockey statistics, I go to the first (or maybe the second) F-word that's hockey related that pops into my brain: faceoff. How does a hockey match end up in a faceoff every 3 minutes? Even Google couldn't explain it to me. Something about icing. Not the cake kind. But FF would probably mean something like Faceoffs For, which tallies how many faceoffs a player wins. And I would assume that one wins a faceoff by just having their team control the puck? But like what if I got into a faceoff and completely whiffed the puck and my opponent knocks it to my team and we gain possession. Is that a faceoff won for me? How many times can I write faceoff in a paragraph? If I keep saying it, will Nicholas Cage appear in my mirror? All of these questions are of equal urgency. 5/10 confidence

"FA"
Uhh, the opposite, I guess? Faceoffs Allowed? Against? Appraised? Appalachians? Awarded? Yeah awarded sounds good. Surely there's something a hockey player can do during a game that awards them a faceoff, right? And that can be done over 1,200 times in a season? Sure, why not, let's go with that. 4/10 confidence

"F"
I hate myself. This is just like the C thing from a few abbreviations ago. A sith ton of negative numbers. So obviously this can't be the raw faceoffs data. And I'm too lazy to go back to the last two abbreviation explanations and change them. And it can't be fights, right? Because getting into a negative fight is not possible. Unless those are like friendship bonding things? Is the negative of a fight a hug? So maybe this is a hug stat? But why not just abbreviate it to "H". I have sat here for 10 minutes thinking of what another F word could be that even halfway relates to hockey and I just can't think of anything. Partly because I don't know hockey very much and partly because I get distracted and chase a fleeting thought for too long and then 3 minutes later I'm having to remind myself what I'm doing. But regardless, I'm just going to take a complete shot in the dark on this stat. F stands for the amount of "Fun" has by everyone sitting in the audience, which would account for the negative numbers. 7/10 confidence

"FF%"
Well, transitively, this would mean that it is the Faceoffs For Percentage. So sure, let's go with that. I'm at like 1,750 words and my brain is tired of thinking about ice. So we're going to lean into it. The percentage of Faceoffs that a player wins. A little bit more of an efficiency statistic instead of a raw tally. 3/10 confidence

"FF% Rel"
This again. These dang relativists won't leave me alone. So I guess this stat is comparing the percentage of faceoffs for (won) per player as compared to the league median or their position or something. Is there anything else Rel can stand for? Relationship? Relinquishments? Restitutions? It might help significantly if I knew what FF% actually meant. But for now we'll go with the first thing I said. Because "trust your gut" and stuff, y'know.

Okay I think that's it. That's all of the stats in the violent ice skating competition. Tell me your favorite ones and why my statistics would be way more helpful than the real meanings. I will admit, I was a little sad that there was no stat for the number of Zambonis driven. Because that takes some serious skill.

P.S. I just saw that there are actually advanced stats for Goalies....and I can't make myself do any more. Maybe one day I'll do a shorter one for just those stats. But that day is not today.

P.P.S. Frenchie is smelly, but is also not actually French, which ultimately makes him a liar and a stink.

***NYR73*** · 05-05-2023, 12:11 AM

dom knows his puck

***BadWolf*** · 05-05-2023, 07:31 AM

All true

***sköldpaddor*** · 05-05-2023, 07:41 AM

I learned so much from this!!

***micool132*** · 05-05-2023, 10:50 AM

babip

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