Mankind has always been a species of violence. We wage war with our fellow man, sometimes out of necessity, oftentimes out of greed. We hunt for sport. We make a game where we actively CHEER for athletes to get laid out, what kind of sicko would even enjoy something like that? Well, regardless, there’s some appeal in violence, so why not exploit it for money here as wel-.......Wait a minute, didn’t I already use this intro before? Huh, talk about deja vu, but if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.


In this article, I will take a look at each individual franchise in the SHL, and will answer the question that I’m sure is on everyone’s mind: Can I beat these team’s namesakes in a fight? I have participated in amateur boxing for roughly 5 years in the past, played high school football for 3 years, and also dabbled in in the art of capoeira in high school, so I feel that it is fair to say that I’m at least SOMEWHAT above average in fighting capability compared to your average mid-20’s year old male. The rules for this exercise are simple. The hypothetical fight would be a 1 on 1 match with the namesake of that respective team (If I were fighting the Florida Panthers, then it would be me against one panther). I am only allowed to use my bare hands, no weapons and no special equipment. Lastly, the hypothetical fight will be on neutral territory UNLESS said team name can’t live on land, in which case I will fight on their home turf.  With that all said, let’s begin!

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An inferno is defined by Websters as “a large fire that is dangerously out of control”. And that poses an issue for me. No matter how much Fire Force (good anime, I recommend) I watch, I can’t just punch and kick fire without getting roasted into a char-grilled half-Mexican. Easy loss.




A platoon is a small subdivision of a company of soldiers, and just as I mentioned in my SMJHL write-up regarding the Ottawa Highlanders, I could PROBABLY contend with an adult soldier in a 1 on 1 fistfight, but the second guns come into the picture, I’m a goner. Easy loss.




So an adult male American Bison weighs around 1000-2200 lbs on average, and you’re telling me I have to deal with a herd of them charging full speed at me in a panic? I’m getting flattened like a tortilla out there, easy loss.




So the good news is that dragons don’t exist, and thank goodness for that. As aforementioned in my Atlanta post, I’m not exactly flameproof, so a giant flying lizard with fire breath isn’t an ideal matchup. However, I can’t win OR lose against something that doesn’t exist, so therefore this has to go down as a draw.





So clearly the name is a reference to a crime syndicate, and given the location, I’m assuming it’s meant to represent the Italian mob. Could I beat a single Italian mob member in a fistfight? I think it’ll be a difficult battle but I don’t see why I couldn’t win.




So as mentioned in the Atlanta Flames section, I can’t physically beat a force of nature in a fight, but can a force of nature beat ME in a fight? Well, a severe blizzard reaches wind speeds of 45 mph and has temperatures of approximately 10 degrees fahrenheit, so assuming I don’t have a jacket, I am very much likely getting a severe case of hypothermia after this match. Easy loss.




So the Hamilton Steelhawks originated as an OHL juniors team, but the actual namesake of the team doesn’t exist. So, where does that leave us? I’m going to make an executive decision here, and rule that the SHL Steelhawks are named after the OHL team, and therefore I’d be fighting one hockey player. I feel VERY confident in my ability to beat up a hockey player in a fight, unless that one guy is Matt Rempe. Easy win.




Yeah, no. I’m not beating a giant murder kitty in a 1 on 1 fight. Easy loss.




Am I supposed to be fighting the very concept of rage, or am I fighting a pissed off Manhattanian? The former is super easy, nothing a few therapy lessons and anger management classes couldn’t handle. As for the latter, I’m not scared of a random New Yorker, they can catch these hands. Easy win either way.




Judging by the logo, I’m assuming these monarchs are actually monarch butterflies due to their Minnesota population, and are not, in fact, kings and queens. I could very easily beat a butterfly with the swat of my hand, but why would I want to? They’re so beautiful and majestic, I’d feel bad. Regardless, easy win.




A patriot is someone who loves his/her/their country, so can I just beat your average Canadian who loves Canada? Actually wait, do Montreal residents like Canada or France more? I’m an American, I don’t know the ways of their people. Either way, easy win.




See: LA Panthers, but instead of murder kitties, I’m fighting murder puppies. Easy loss.




So a specter is another word for a ghost, and as we all know, you can’t just punch a ghost. Now, this poses a question. Do we believe ghosts actually exist? I choose to believe that there’s been enough evidence to suggest so, and therefore I am not going to take the easy way out by giving myself a draw. Easy loss for me.




We went over this in the SMJHL writeup with the Citadelles. I can’t fight a place, and a place can’t fight me. Draw.




GOD, I wish this team represented gay pride, because as a pansexual man myself, I know for a fact I could probably beat up your average member of the LGBTQ+ community, not that I’d want to in the first place. But no, instead I’m fighting 1 on 1 with a lion. Giant murder kitty is going to commit murder. Easy loss. On a side note, why do so many sports teams lean into cat-themed team names? LGBTQ+ pride is much cooler, why couldn’t I have that instead?




In Greek mythology, the Argonauts were the team of heroes who traveled with Jason on his quest to find the Golden Fleece. Just like with the Kraken and the Dragons, I can’t fight something that isn’t real. Draw.








Despite what the logo would make you think, a renegade is NOT, in fact, a cowboy. They’re just someone who abandons an organization, a religious faith or a country. They’re just….people, and I can beat your average person.




Polaris is referred to commonly as the North Star, and is the brightest star in the Ursa Minor constellation. It measures in at 6,9000 (nice) Kelvin. I am not winning this guys, come on. Easy loss.




We’ve been over this, I can’t fight a natural phenomenon. Can this natural phenomenon fight me? No, no it can not, it’s just a light show. Draw.

(1857 words)