Link to last season’s rankings: https://simulationhockey.com/showthread....pid2870572

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Another year, another crop of names. My undisputed draft rankings for each team. Having done this last season, I am now at the expert level that I knew I would one day reach. These are NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. And if they were up for discussion, I wouldn’t discuss it with anyone, because I know this couldn’t be improved upon.

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Team Grades:

Tampa Bay Barracuda

1.  Aleksander Kozlov
6.  Vladmir Petrov
12. KnockedOut ByOvechkin
17. Phillip Weaver
19. Valtterri Kauppinen
36. Boris Petrov
60. C.K. Supernaw
69. Unga Bunga Lemme Smash

Once again we find ourselves with the Tampa Bay Barracuda selecting a whole lot of names. Going Russian is an interesting tactic to start, but they bailed out on that after a relatively weak showing in the first few picks. KnockedOut ByOvechkin is the standout early pick for these guys. They salvaged it by selecting C.K. Supernaw and really solidified a decent draft by using the always excellent 69th pick to take a powerhouse name in Unga Bunga Lemme Smash. The stars really had to align for that to happen. This is a special pick here people. Underwhelming showing otherwise, but that is the best pick in the entire draft, so whatever.


Drafting Grade: B+

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Toronto North Stars

2. Evangelos Giannopoulos
38. James Kimanje

With only two selections, Toronto had to make them count. Eh. A big dirty Greek name is always appreciated, but it’s not amazing enough to really save this draft. (I know at the time of this the guy is traded, but this is a DRAFT review. So please refer to the “Not up for discussion” segment earlier)

Drafting Grade: F

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Minnesota Chiefs/Monarchs

3. Rock Strongo
32. Kynwyl Pearce
39. Anna Maier

Rock Strongo is the first powerhouse name taken in this draft. Unbelievable he slipped to 3. Minnesota owes somebody something BIG. Kynwyl is a good first name, even if Pearce grinds it to a halt. Rock Strongo is enough to carry this, and with 3 picks you can’t expect that much. Not disappointing, not outstanding.

Drafting Grade: C+

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New England Wolfpack

4. Calvin Hobbes
5. Grandmaster Funk
14. Teylora Petrov
27. Alexis Vermette
45. Mikhael Petrov
49. Adrian Ayers

Oh yeah. Calvin Hobbes and Grandmaster Funk back to back is incredible. Wow that’s good stuff. This is like the Sedins going 2 and 3 in 1999. Except even better. Two outstanding names, and to be able to get them both rather than one or the other is just great GMing, scouting and draftsmanship. Pretty funny to take two Petrovs. One would have been an afterthought, but TWO. Good stuff. Adrian Ayers, I like the double A. Good drafting here by New England.

Drafting Grade: A

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San Francisco Pride

7. Yngve Simonsson
25. Chad Danger
35. Patrik Money
42. Daedalus James
46. Kev Kevens
53. Raivo Helminen
61. Valtteri Aalto

Good lord. Look at this stuff. This is good. Yngve, is a wild name as it is, but following it up with the 25th pick Chad Danger. That’s awesome. So lucky he fell that far. Patrik Money, another excellent pick. Daedalus is a great name. Kev Kevens. Come on now. You’re messing with me here. No way a team nails FIVE picks in a row. All the way from 7 to 46, being able to get hit after hit. Dinger after dinger. Love the draft, love when teams find gems. Great stuff by San Francisco.

Drafting Grade: A

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Los Angeles Panthers

8. Jonas Kahnwald
16. Vili Afalava
26. Grape Fruit
34. "Long" John Donair
50. Ragnar-Alexandre Ragnarsson-Tremblay
51. Jonas Caspari

Another decent salvage job after a lackluster start. Grape Fruit is enough to turn heads, and once they have your attention, this team forces you to see their following picks. “Long” John Donair is incredible, and Ragnar-Alexandre Ragnarsson-Tremblay is wild as hell. Love to see a team keep you in suspense. Right when you think they’ve botched it, BAM. Three good picks in a row.

Drafting Grade: B

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Winnipeg Jets

9. Jasper Maximov
63. Edward Teach

Come on now Winnipeg. You’ve got one pick and you’re gonna select a name like this. KnockedOut ByOvechkin still on the board. Yikes. Rough look, even for a team with one pick. You know what, Jasper isn’t all that bad a name, but there’s something about Maximov that doesn’t sit right with me...

Edit: Turns out they had another one. Edward Teach. Blackbeard. Okay you saved it.

Drafting Grade: D

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Hamilton Steelhawks

10. Sarah Burke
65. Čeněk Iqbal

Sarah Burke. Generic pick. Definitely grew up on a farm in the middle of Alberta. Čeněk Iqbal. Now there’s a name I can get behind. Don’t know how to say it, but it looks as cool as any other in the draft. Great pick at 65.

Drafting Grade: C-

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Texas Renegades

11. Slava Petrov
29. Lemo Pihl

Lackluster selections with a limited pair of picks. There’s something about Lemo Pihl that grabs my attention. It may not be great, but I’ll allow it to keep Texas from grabbing a failing grade.

Drafting Grade: D

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Calgary Dragons

13. Sachimo Zoidberg III
31. Thomas Rose
37. Logan Wong

Now we’re talking. Great pick at 13. The best drafting team from last season (once you account for the name I missed in my write up) starts off strong, but falters as it progresses. Another season with few picks, but they didn’t make them all count like I was expecting. Oh well, nobody’s perfect. Except Sachimo Zoidberg III, probably.

Drafting Grade: C

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Seattle Argonauts

15. Dee Centerman IV
18. Zdenko Beranek
23. Vaseline Poscalzone
44. William Salming
59. Monkey Mann Jr.
77. Yuuto Kira Cloudera Jr.

The first entry draft of an expansion team is crucial. This is going to determine the future of this team. Need to start out strong. They sure did. Great picks everywhere. Dee Centerman IV is outstanding. Vaseline Poscalzone is a standout among greats. Monkey Mann Jr. is another top tier name. All of them are great, with the exception of William Salming. He could just go by “Wild Bill” that’d fix it.

Drafting Grade: A

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Baltimore Platoon

20. Tanjiro Kamado
24. Zebulon Leavitt
78. Jimmy Dekens
96: Lucas Johansson

Baltimore is in a tough spot. Rebuilding/Re-tooling without a first. They got a guy named Zebulon at 24 though, so who cares about missing the first. And Jimmy Dekens. He thought he could deceive us with a name like Jimmy. Probably why he slipped to 78. I wish Zebulon Dekens was a single guy instead of two halves of an incomplete hole. They probably do too. No biggie, funny enough.

Drafting Grade: C+

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New Orleans Specters

21. Zbynek Dobrovsky
89. Xavier Doom

Zbynek Dobrovsky is pretty good for just some name. You can always rely on the euro players to strengthen the draft with their weird names. Xavier Doom is pretty neat too. Two picks hold these cup finalists back, but they did alright with what they had.

Drafting Grade: C-

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Atlanta Inferno

22. Michael Withecheck
40. Kenji Sugimoto
58. Josh Dolphin
76. Max Goodman

Not as many picks as the other half of this expansion. Make or break stuff potentially for a new team. Not a big fan of their selections either. Withecheck might be funny, but it doesn’t do anything for me. Dolphin, bah. Not a great showing. Hopefully they have a long life ahead of them to correct this in future drafts.

Drafting Grade: F

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Chicago Syndicate

30. Mat Smith
48.  Bud Weiser
55. Damien Vertigo

Not a lot to be done for Chicago. Three picks and they throw their first one away on a guy named Mat Smith. MAT SMITH. This dude isn’t real, I can spot a fake like this from a mile away. I don’t know what game they’re trying to pull, but that doesn’t fly here. Bud Weiser is funny though, so that’s good. Using your first pick, late as it may be, on the fakest name possible is unacceptable in my professional eyes. Maybe it’s actually meta though, so it could be great. For now, unacceptable.

Drafting Grade: D+

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Buffalo Stampede

33. Walter Burke
41. Jst Maro
47. Chimkin Tendy
54. Eero Makinen Jr
90. Halldor Ragnarssson

A handful of names here give off the impression that whoever wrote it into the draft board was missing letters as they typed them in. Jst Maro could be a genius name, or could be a misspelling, I’ll never know for sure. Chimkin Tendy is really good, lucky number 47 for these guys. Halldor Ragnarssson has maybe one too many “S’s”. Or maybe one too few? I’m not sure, but it definitely doesn’t have the right amount. Decent stuff here by the champs.

Drafting Grade: B-

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Edmonton Blizzard

43. Bane
52. Rikki Petrov
70. Markleesio Hopscotch
88. Karl Schaufelberger

Drafting a guy with one name is always a good idea. No picks until 43 means limited expectations, but Edmonton managed to come away with some good stuff here late in the draft. Bane is a quality name. Too good for 43. Markleesio Hopscotch is a journey, and it’s all capped off by some German guy. Not great by any means, but there’s something to be said about pulling off a decent job with so few picks and all so late.

Drafting Grade: B

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Top Five Players Post Draft

Honorable Mentions:
Ragnar-Alexandre Ragnarsson-Tremblay.
Unga Bunga Lemme Smash.
Chad Danger.


5. Grandmaster Funk/Calvin Hobbes - Okay I’m cheating, sue me. If NEW didn’t have to pick one over the other, neither do I. Elite pair of names here, which we’ll be seeing a lot of down the line. Which is good for everyone.

4. Rock Strongo - Funny AND descriptive. It’s a great name, plus you know what you’re gonna get out of this player, so it’s perfect.

3. Zebulon Leavitt - Zebulon is the best individual name in the entire draft. What kind of name is Zebulon? Where did they come from? I could look at the player’s page, but I’m not going to. Good stuff.

2. Sachimo Zoidberg III - Wild name. Sachimo, good. Zoidberg, good. III, amazing touch. Jr-Jr could have been good in place of III, but I’m not in charge, so I’ll just take what I was given. Love the name.

1. Vaseline Poscalzone - Hands down, best name in this draft. Bet you wish you’d thought of it. Expecting kids? I’ve got a first and middle name for them. Vaseline Poscalzone. Hope to see this player in the future, because that name should not be wasted.

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Final Thoughts:

With my second season of draft review under my belt, I think I can safely say this is the best draft I’ve ever been fortunate enough to review. It was lacking the high’s of the previous draft, but the depth was there. The glaring weaknesses aren’t so glaring as they had been in the last one. Good names, strong names. Funny names. This draft had it all. Dishonorable mention to Mat Smith. Try better, because I know for a fact that isn’t real. There’s just no way.

Just realized Manhattan didn’t have a single pick in this draft. Ballsy choice, it could be a new trend that I’d like to see more of in the future. B+ grade.


Word Count: 2008