14. R&R
The Regina Elk were bounced in the first round of the playoffs. What can one expect? They were a middling squad that was qualified for the playoffs from day one as a consequence of their divisional placement. You could even say they overachieved a bit -- managing to survive for the maximum seven games. By the time that the final game rolled around, Mary Hollywood had had enough. For those who had not been watching, Mary had a horrific series. After a pretty decent debut season in the J, Mary put up a pathetic one point in seven games for a deeply appalling -3 plus/minus rating -- even more appalling when you consider the fact that Mary hangs out on the power play and is really only deployed in the most favorable of conditions (she is allergic to defending).

After this stressful and extraordinarily disappointing series, Mary was due for a vacation. It was time for her to get as far away from the game of hockey and Regina as possible (she hated this place anyway). For her initial stop, she hopped into her incredibly disgusting Mitsubishi and began the exhausting road trip back to Philadelphia, the far more glorious and culturally significant city from which she originally hailed. With her trusty empty Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee in hand (and many more empty ones on the passenger side floor), she quickly scampered over the border and made it to the good old U S of A. As she traveled further eastward, she reached the great state of Pennsylvania. However, like most people from Philadelphia, she was not exactly a fan of the rest of Pennsylvania outside of the general Delaware Valley area. In truth, there wasn't much love for Philadelphians outside of that area either. I guess that makes sense. Nevertheless, she made sure to litter the highway with an iced coffee cup or two as she sped along.

When she finally reached the City of Brotherly Love, our queen was exhausted. She hit the hay immediately upon her return to her apartment, which was in remarkably good condition. She took that to mean she was a well-adjusted and clean person (as many of you know by now, she is not), forgetting that she had paid a cleaning service to spruce up the joint while she was away in her shoebox in Regina. Nice usage of that first purchase, Mary. Upon waking at like 2 PM the following day, the place was almost immediately a mess as she pulled up UberEats, demanded that an iced coffee and a croissant be brought to her ASAP Rocky, and made herself some popcorn. It was time to begin the vacation.

Mary scrolled on through her phone, seeking inspiration for where she might spend the next few months before she was forced to get back to playing hockey (it is, after all, her job). Chuckling to herself, she ironically looked up what human settlement was the furthest from Regina. Apparently it was Port-aux-Francais, a weird French research station in the middle of the Indian Ocean. That was decidedly not what Mary was looking for. But, it did give her an idea. Welcome to Mary's French getaway.

She hurriedly booked her travel and lodging accommodations and decided she would be spending her summer in Paris. The plane ride was exceptionally brutal, specifically for those people sitting next to Mary. When she put on her ASMR podcast and fell asleep, her bucket of popcorn fell out of her lap and all over the belongings of her poor neighbors. The first few hours of the flight went without incident for Mary herself, though. She was able to sleep it off, but eventually the nicotine cravings forced her to give in. She awoke in a cold sweat and removed her little sleep mask (awful vibes from Mary for wearing one of those things, but I digress) before scuttling down the aisle and into the bathroom. Looking up at the "NO SMOKING" sign, Mary let out a chuckle.

"Ha. I'm not smoking."

Mary's vape, technically speaking, was not a cigarette. I do not think that such a distinction would be made by the authorities. Indeed, this splitting of hairs was not appreciated, and by the time that the plane had landed Ms. Hollywood was in the custody of French authorities. What a bummer! Her vacation was surely cut short, right?

Wrong. If there's anything Mary had learned over the last year, it was that she was, technically, a professional athlete. Consequently, she should be more physically capable than most individuals. It was this fact that enabled all 6 feet of Mary Hollywood to engineer her escape from French prison.

Without her wallet, Mary didn't really have any cash on her. This did not deter her from reaching the Airbnb that she had booked. Mary hailed a taxi and offered the driver a hit of her vape (she did manage, at least, to keep that in her pocket while she was briefly incarcerated) and he took her to the nice country villa where she spent the remainder of her time abroad. Getting back to the other side of the Atlantic was going to be a bit more of a problem, but with the help of the American embassy and her own quick wit she was able to make up some story about losing her stuff and being stranded in France, and they were able to get her back home to Philadelphia.

So, what did YOU guys do this offseason?

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