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StadiumGambler · 12-31-2020, 07:45 PM

(Word count 532 plus 2x bonus. Onion article, satire, not meant to offend Theo's user who I'm sure is a great guy, doing this to get paper, etc.)

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Hamilton Steelhawks forward Theo Morgan added another achievement to his resume today, albeit one that he'll never bandy about publicly.

In a Twitter poll started by highly biased media outlets that was since deleted, Theo Morgan was named the league's most hated player by fans, beating out noted thugs Luc Pierre Lespineau-Lebrunette and Slip McScruff by decisive margins. The reason? Theo Morgan has screwed countless SHL fans out of winning their fantasy leagues.

"Everyone picked him first overall because we thought he'd have the first 100 point season ever!" said one drunken Ontario sports fan, while sloshing his Labatt all over the place. "But this fuckin' guys like, nah I'll let Scarn do all the work on offense. It's fucking bullshit! No one had Scarn round 1, the guy had fuckin less points than Nick Brain did last year! NICK BRAIN!!!!!!"

Theo Morgan has struggled to meet the high expectations after a ridiculous Season 56 campaign where he registered 82 points in the 50-game season, and took home enough individual awards to fill several trophy cases. However, Morgan's Season 57 has been an unmitigated disaster, with only 68 points in 60 games, an unacceptable total for a front-line forward on a championship team.

Morgan has been feeling the heat, even from his own crowd. Morgan was booed by sections of the Steelhawk fans every time he touched the puck when they faced the Seattle Argonauts in their last home game, and was given sarcastic applause for scoring a solitary goal in the Steelhawks 6-1 dismantling of the Argos. Indeed, fan sentiment was so vitriolic that one enterprising fan attempted to pour tar and pillow feathers on Morgan as he went into the tunnel for the second intermission, only to be tackled and have the tobacco juice kicked out of him by Hamilton arena security.

Morgan, for his part, acknowledges the need to step up.

"I mean, I can understand the fan's complaints loud and clear." said a depressed looking Morgan in a Zoom interview. "Getting held pointless 3 or 4 times by a team like the Baltimore Platoon sucks, and I expected to play better too. I'm getting paid a lot of money to do this, and by extension I'm somehow getting Nick Brain paid a lot of money just to be doing this interview somehow. I have responsibilities to uphold, and just getting a lousy 1.13 points per game isn't gonna cut it. So I'll aim to step things up as we get closer to the playoffs."

"Who the hell cares about him stepping up for the playoffs though?" said another drunken Ontario man. "We know Hamilton's gonna win a Cup anyways, and even if they don't we've won like 3 or 4 already in honest, not complained about fashion, we're fine there. I just want to win my fucking fantasy league to get that $100 dollar gift card to the Keg so I can drink the pain of living in Ontario away!"

The Hamilton Steelhawks next game is at home in the Battle for Ontario against the Toronto North Stars.

*fishy* · 12-31-2020, 09:32 PM

Are we sure we can call it the Battle for Ontario yet

Bongo · 01-02-2021, 02:58 PM

This is NOT Satire!

PremierBromanov · 01-02-2021, 02:59 PM

love it

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