Login

*leviadan* · 11-19-2020, 06:01 PM

1204 Words - 2x Draft Media - Ready for Grading!

Somebody get my son’s principal’s lawyer on the phone ASAP because I have a job! That’s right dunderheads, I no longer need to track down used McDonald’s dipping sauces and suck the corners dry because I'm going freelance! Once I sell these draft rankings to some GM sucker, I'm going to buy back my ‘94 Ford Bronco. That baby sleeps two, and with all the extra cash coming in, something tells me I’m going to need that extra space for doing sex.

Now that I’m cozied up in the back of the world’s most luxurious two door SUV-- it's time for you noobs to learn about this season's SMJHL draft from the man with an unparalleled scouting record and a dripping wet racing stripe. As usual these prospects are in NO PARTICULAR ORDER. How do you rank five home runs? That's right idiot, you don't. Once it leaves the park it's in God's hands.

------------

RW - Golden Face - @Dewalt27

Absolutely stunning. Just delicious. When this moon hit my eye like a big pizza pie it made me honk my bronco. This huge person is of unknown origins, and something about that tickles my fancy. It's like I'm Amy Adams in "Arrival" and I'm holding a whiteboard up to the glass while this kid squirts goals all over the ice. I don't know exactly what it means, but my professional opinion? "It's good."

Oh, did I mention their face of gold? If this one turns out to be a bust (they won't) you could melt them down (you can't) and recoup your costs in scrap (you shouldn't). Maybe you could make a nice ring for your husband or something... I think he might have lost his last night. Wink

What's that? You've been married 20 years? Talk to the Bronco.

LW - Mop Top - @Mitchmole

Even prestigious scouts like me are capable of learning new things. Back in the day, if a single follicle of hair had EVER graced your body, I wouldn't even consider you a hockey player. But the times have changed, and I'm now willing to consider head hair as a valid biological phenomenon. Now that we've come to that conclusion, we must then concede that Mop Top is truly a "top" prospect. Get it? This kid carries Cousin It tier shag. There are rumours swirling around my scouting network that they're actually two hockey players stacked on each other's shoulders whilst hiding under a big wig. That would explain how they have the speed and hockey IQ of two prospects.

Of course if these allegations are true, Mop Top will have to re-enter the draft as Mop and Top respectively. If you're curious why I feel comfortable ranking Mop Top despite this eligibility gamble, it's because Mop and Top as individuals would also both earn a spot on my draft board. So whether it's one individual or two-- you as a GM should feel secure in this pick.

RD - Finn von Murphenstein - @r0tzbua

Little known fact, but 20% of hockey related skill and power comes from your name. Finn von Murphenstein has 50% more names than any other player in their draft class. Is "von" its own name, you ask? For my purposes, it is. Take it up with the math geeks, not me. All I do is report the sickly sweet findings of my system. I do not toy with the cold, veiny levers that allow one to set the parameters of it.

If 20% of all skill comes from names, and von Murphenstein has 50% more names... then given a hockey player with 100% skill, we can actually expect von Murphenstein to be at LEAST 10% more skillful than their classmates. Just think about it! If you add 10% more skill across 10 or 15 categories you're looking at a remarkable 100% to 150% skill increase when compared against others in the draft. Based on my math, the chances of them becoming a first pairing defence man are easily 50%. If I'm an SHL GM looking for a sure thing on D? I'd take the coin flip.

RD - Bean Beanman - @"SeymourSnatches"

I shouldn't have to say a damn thing about Bean Beanman to get you on board with drafting this defender. Frankly, I think elaborating on my position is so stupid that I toyed with the idea of just writing "bean" about 100 times in this part of my draft board. I didn't do it because the SMJHL media graders are cowards and wouldn't accept such an avant garde scouting report. Your loss, reader. Just know that I had a real plan for this next segment that wasn't boring as hell.

Bean Beanman is a well balanced Canadian defender that is just as effective at clearing the slot as they are moving the puck up ice for a quick breakout. What they lack in size they make up for tenacity and a will to win. When this kid is on the ice they'll leave it all out there. I've never seen a game where they weren't sacrificing their body for a shot block, using their foot speed to get inside for a clean stick check, or finding a teammate tape to tape on a breakout pass. Bean bean bean, bean bean-- bean bean bean bean bean.

C - Kermit Murphy - @notorioustig

Don't get me wrong, Kermit Murphy is going to be a damn good hockey player. Let there be no quibbles on that front. That being said... I have deep concerns about their personal judgement and locker room presence. Did you know that Kermit is the only player in the S57 SMJHL draft that wears a suit of green felt over their skin at all times? Both on the ice and off, this person never removes their thin film of wet fabric. It reeks like a corpse, and it doesn't even look good. It's all bunched up and stretched out in different places, making him look both unnaturally smooth in some areas but folded and wrinkled in others. It's like if a plush doll could decay like a human body. Repulsive.

Lately it doesn't even cover their face properly! The eye and mouth holes have stretched far enough that, in the right light, you can clearly see the person underneath. Despite this they STILL make depraved faces and dart their eyes all over the room when you're talking to them as though you can't see what they're doing. I can see your real, human eyes Kermit. Just look at me! Anyway, on the hockey side of things, this big body centre man shows a lot to get excited about. I just hope they ditch the putrid frog skin at some point before the season starts. I wouldn't bet on it though.

------------

That's it. That's season 57. For those of you that come crying to me at DFA time looking for scouting help-- DON'T. I expect to be much busier this season as a freelancer while I'm maintaining content requests and invoices. I'm going to "be my own boss" as they say. So this year I'm instituting a new rule: if the Bronco's a roncing, dornc come a knorcing. Got it?