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reid · 07-16-2021, 03:40 PM

Reid got his identity "stolen" when there was a video that came to light of him sitting in a room with Evgeny Kuznetsov and Mike Richards, with a pile of cocaine on the table in front of them. The video showed them having a good time, and doing rails off each others gameplan booklets. When the video was brought to lite, it was made clear by Reid that this in no way was him, and it was in fact a doppelganger who looked very much like him, and was impersonating the star center. "I dont have a twin that I know of, but maybe we were seperated at birth" Reid said to the media on Wednesday. Later on, after the statement was made, another video came to light of the same imposter, dressed the same way, waving Reid's ID card at a bartender refusing to serve him drinks, yelling "do you know who I am???". In completley unrelated news, Reid also failed his most recent club mandated drug test, although he claims it was because he ate a poppyseed bagel in the morning of. [184 words]

JuOSu · 07-16-2021, 04:10 PM

PBE PT

*traphag* · 07-16-2021, 05:20 PM

PBE +3

Rancidbudgie · 07-16-2021, 06:09 PM

After Nicolae Antonescu lost his wallet, he canceled all of his cards as soon as he was sure he couldn't find it. Unfortunately, his wallet had been either found or stolen, and the person went to a gas station and bought 275 dollars worth of cigarettes. The attendant, apparently unfazed by a 5 foot 1 blond woman using a card that said "Mr. Nicolae Antonescu" on it to buy a preposterous amount of cigarettes, let the purchase slide. With the language difference in North America, the attendant later claimed the read the name on the card as "Nicole", leading to some good-natured ribbing of his teammates over the dichotomous nature of his credit card thief's appearance.

(Fun fact: this is based off of a true story except the genders reversed, with a 6-foot something bald man using my mother's card (which he stole), to purchase that much in cigarettes before she could cancel it.)

Thank you to Ham and Sulo for the sigs!

soulja · 07-16-2021, 06:31 PM

It has come to Zlatan Ibrahimovic Jr.'s attention that someone has stolen his identity. The person responsible has gained access to make some purchases impersonating Zlatan. These purchases include cars, houses, jewelry and other expensive collectible items. Zlatan jr. only came to know of this situation once he met face to face with one of the jewelry store owners asked him if he is willing to settle his debt. Due to Zlatan jr.s prestige, many entrepreneurs let him take the item first and pay later. Zlatan is now in debt of 15 Million dollars and is surprised how someone can steal his identity so easily. It was 2 hrs later when he realized that it was his evil twin that did all of this havoc. Women than Zlatan jr has never seen are also searching for Zlatan Jr as they had a great time together. Oh dear god, Zlatan Jr is in huge trouble. In order to not make this news to big, Zlatan Jr spoke to his brother and asked him to reveal everything he has done. Zlatan Jr., dealt with all the problems one by one. It took nearly a week to settle the issue.

***Hordle*** · 07-16-2021, 07:41 PM

THEIR OPENING WAFFLEHOUSES! THIS CAN NOT STAND! THIS IS AN INSULT TO ALL THINGS DENNYS!!!

But in all honesty, Tyler Ward is terrible with his money. He probably wouldn't notice for a long while. With all the mmo and runescape subs he forgets to cancel and the random games he buys. Have you seen his collection of random tabletop games? It's insane. Not to mention all the money he's wasted on games like league of legends. His bank would probably catch it and deal with it before he would ever notice. Good job bank good job.

You know who would steal Tyler Wards identity. @Matteo Mat Smith. The two were close in QCC, I'm sure he'd play some cruel joke on his with his own money. Like a bag of gummy dicks or something... But yeah, go banks and stuff I guess. If he had any money to begin with. They've already dealt with it.

Mazatt · 07-16-2021, 08:00 PM

Axel Foley woke up this morning to a string of texts, some of them from teammates, a lot of them from players around the league, and they all centred around "wtf" "why would you say this" as well as one "thank you". That's weird, Axel has no social media presence, he doesn't really do much of anything with speaking to reporters either, so what could he have said? He hops on the ol' computer to see what he said and there's been a fake twitter made under his phone number that's made the claim;

"Calgary is actually the best team in the west. You look up and down their roster and it's kind of embarrassing to compare what we have in EDM
[continued]
If mommy let me have my own car and a license I'd drive down the highway and sign a league minimum contract with them the minute I arrived
[continued]
I'd choose anywhere else to play on the west coast. LA, SEA, anywhere. I might just retire if I spend another year here."

That string of 3 tweets was very... odd to see, and thankfully Foley was able to let his associates know he wasn't the one who sent the messages, though it was a very scary few hours waiting on management types to respond, as well as trying to tell some of his friends in Calgary that he wasn't actually driving down to sign a contract in the summer.

He refused to comment on if mommy let him have a car or not.

gucci · 07-16-2021, 08:31 PM

When traveling to play an away game in Quebec recently, Dane von Gucci used his credit card at a house of ill repute and found himself dealing with some suspicious charges coming through. It all started when there was a charge for “wet work” that after digging into caused Dane von Gucci a fair amount of disgust. The people of French Canada apparently have very obscure tastes that unsettle a simple Alpine hockey player. After speaking to his credit card company there was some pushback as he had several charges at houses of ill repute in Quebec over the past three and a half seasons of away trips and they seem to group “wet work” into it. It was particularly hard for him to accept as someone paid $10,000 for the “wet work” . He just couldn’t fathom how much liquid volume must be flowing to justify a $10,000 price tag. Eventually it all worked out with the credit card company, but when their employee leaked it, von Gucci had to deal with a fair amount of media and online embarrassment.

***mcgriddleluver*** · 07-16-2021, 08:39 PM

[Image: 5729a16a-f485-4b89-a7b6-7b5530017457.png]

Thunfish · 07-16-2021, 10:05 PM

"I think one of the essentials for any sportsperson in the world is being able to properly maneuver through social media. That reminds me of a time years ago, when I found out someone on a forum decided that they wanted to make believe they were myself - it was on this forum where people did this thing called roleplaying, which I would try my hand at years later once the kids decided they wanted to show me this thing called D&D - and I didn't exactly know how to react about the whole ordeal. I decided to make a low-key profile, hit them up to break the news.

Turns out he was an actual honest to God fan of mine, said that thanks to a handicap - he lost his legs in a car crash - he used the 'fake', as he called it, to cope. Of course, I didn't tell him to stop, there was no harm being done there but I was a bit curious to see what was his interpretation of myself. He jokingly typed *misses a shot*, we had a laugh, I sent him some gear and we still keep in touch every month or so. Good guy."

A regular Irishman's guide towards a hockey career - HARRIER, Anton; KNACKER, Skeano. 2035.

Evident_Rogue · 07-16-2021, 10:06 PM

So, yeah, it is true- someone stole Ryan Gardner's credit card. Luckily he lives out of his van, so the whole credit score issue really is not a problem. As a metalhead, it is the indignity he suffered when someone from Ticketmaster called to confirm 'his' recent purchase for Celine Dion tickets. The phone was on speaker, and in front of his band mates.

Needless to say, it was not a high point of the week.

So he started going through the charges online after trying to convince his band mates that he did indeed have his identity stolen, and he would rather take a skate to the chest than listen to Celine Dion. There were some assorted charges for white wine, bath salts, weird smelling lotions and a cranium massage. The massage he understood because if someone had to listen to two hours of Celine Dion, they would probably have some type of huge headache afterwards.

End of the day, he did what anyone in that situation would do and posted a tweet stating: If you return my credit card now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will hurt you.

Code:
Word Count: 217

*NorwegianDemon* · 07-16-2021, 11:49 PM

Yesterday, Salzberger received a call from one of the members of the Detroit Falcons media team telling him that someone on social media had used some of his pictures to pretend to be him. He was told that this account was used to do a lot of different things. First of all, the person behind this account used it to hit on girls and ask them to send him intimate picture before he stopped responding to them. He was also asking for likes and comments from the people following the page before he posts a new picture to his profile. He went farther when he starts messaging people and asking them to send him money promising them signed item that never made it. After a discussion with the club, we decided to contact the police since this person was using my name to commit fraud and steal money from people, unfortunately, the police couldn’t anything about it, so we ended up contacting the social media website who close the account.

170 words

Pickle Juice · 07-17-2021, 12:25 AM

As I woke up to my phone ringing, I heard the subtle drops of rain falling on my tin trailer roof. I picked it up and my agent told me that someone had stolen my identity, and was walking around as the new Ty Murphy. “Fuckin rights, the madlads finally did it.”. I hung up my phone and poured myself my morning whiskey. It’s the only way to take the shakes away. I was beaming with the idea that someone else was living as Ty Murphy. “Fuckin’ idiots,” I chuckled to myself, “have fun with my debt.” What a lot of people don’t understand is, the name of Ty Murphy comes along with around 300,000 of compounded debt every year due to this bookie I forgot to pay back in 2009. The fucker has been sending sharks after my ass ever since. This new Ty Murphy isn’t going to last a day. I whisper “Good luck.” one final time before finishing my first glass, it’s going to be a good day.

CheerfulBender20 · 07-17-2021, 12:34 AM

Before I address the hurtful comments the infamous hacker TomalakDaStarDestroya posted on my twitter account, I must once again reiterate my profound respect for the Vulcan people. Vulcan logic is the bedrock that moors the United Federation of Planets to its core values of freedom and sentient rights. We would be adrift in the Universe without Vulcan influence and guidance. Now, to the tweets in question:

07/10/2021 @ 12:31 AM: “Vulcans are just cuck Romulans.”

07/10/2021 @ 12:35 AM: “Can you imagine what it must be like to live on a planet populated entirely by debate pedants? I bet those pointy eared freaks never shut up about anything!”

07/10/2021 @ 12:41 AM: “The Vulcan death grip is the Aikido of interstellar martial arts. It can only work on the most hapless of dupes.”

Awaking to a steady stream of angry replies, I stared at my phone in horror the next morning, pleading my innocence while cursing the incorrigible and dastardly Tomalak. I have regained control of my twitter account. Moreover, I have assured the Timber brass that I will never allow a reoccurrence of such an embarrassing incident. To reiterate, I have nothing but the utmost respect for the Vulcan and their contributions to the United Federation of Planets.

A word of advice: never use your luggage code as your twitter password.

Z-Whiz · 07-17-2021, 01:05 AM

Unfortunately, due to the fact that I'm a duck and you humans think all ducks look alike, I have on more than one occasion been accused of crimes I did not commit. I hate yelling, especially over the internet...but JUST BECAUSE A DUCK POOPED ON YOUR CAR DOES NOT MEAN IT WAS ME!! There is a famous children's book "Everyone Poops" and in case you didn't know, ducks are included in that "everyone". I am a sophisticated duck. I do not poop in public, unless there's a convertible with a top down. That's a temptation that no bird can pass up. So, before you go berating me (and my family) over social media, make sure the duck you saw was actually me. I have the distinctive features of being 6'-4" tall and weigh 245 pounds. The average duck is 6" and about 10 pounds, you hopefully you lot can tell the difference. I've worked hard to make a good name for myself and I will not stand for this anti-Puddles agenda.

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