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RaginCajun · 11-20-2019, 01:46 AM

(2x Draft Media 3,230 words with graphics, and a ludicrous amount of tears and research. Ready for grading.)
1. Stampede Buffalo Stampede (via Chicago Syndicate) - Nicholas Owens
2. Renegades Texas Renegades - Alexander Wachter
3. syndicate Chicago Syndicate (via Minnesota Chiefs) - Abel Skinner
4. Jets Winnipeg Jets - Zlatan Ibrahimovic Jr.
5. Platoon West Kendall Platoon - Luca Del Vecchio
6. Renegades Texas Renegades (via New England Wolfpack) - Henrik Lundqvist Jr.
7. Panthers Los Angeles Panthers - Kenny Creller
8. Rage Manhattan Rage - Julien Villeneuve
9. Stars Toronto North Stars - Ruslan Zaporozhets
10. Stars Toronto North Stars (via Edmonton Blizzard) - Stracimir Petrović
11. Stampede Buffalo Stampede - Elizabeth Doyle
12. pride San Francisco Pride - Alex Petrenko
13. Specters New Orleans Specters - Mitchell van der Heijden
14. Steelhawks Hamilton Steelhawks - Al Kayhall
15. Renegades Texas Renegades (via Tampa Bay Barracuda) - Stan Hanson
16. Platoon West Kendall Platoon (via Calgary Dragons) - Indigo Trevino

Once again I wanted to take a superficial analysis of the S51 SHL Frist Round picks in order to see if anything sticks out from the data and honestly because I desperately desire money. Virtual useless money, to buy virtual useless crap, for my virtual useless skater. So away we go!

The big winner for SMJHL teams this year was Halifax coming out of nowhere to dominate the rest of the J with a total of 4 players being drafted in the first round. Namely Abel Skinner a defenseman from the United Kingdom going third overall to the Chicago Syndicate, Julien Villeneuve a center from Monaco going 8th overall to the Manhattan Rage, Al Kayhall a Right Wing from the United States of America going 14th overall to the Hamilton Steelhawks, and Indigo Trevino a Right Wing from Latvia going 16th overall to the West Kendall Platoon. Halifax took a 25% chunk of the first round class and gives the organization at least something to be proud of this season. Coming in tied for second are Anaheim, Anchorage, St. Louis, and Vancouver each with two apiece. Representing Anaheim we have Nicholas Owens a defenseman from Japan going first overall to the Buffalo Stampede, and Alex Petrenko a defenseman from Russia going 12th to the San Francisco Pride. Representing Anchorage we have Mitchell van der Heijden a center from the Netherlands going 13th overall to the New Orleans Specters, and Stan Hanson a right wing from the United States of America going 15th overall to the Texas Renegades. Showing up for St. Louis was Ruslan Zaporozhets a left wing from Ukraine going 9th overall to the Toronto North Stars, and Elizabeth Doyle a goalie from Ireland going 11th overall to the Buffalo Stampede. Finally rounding out for Vancouver we have Zlatan Ibrahimovic Jr. a defenseman from Sweden going 4th overall to the Winnipeg Jets, and Stracimir Petrović from Serbia went 10th overall to the Toronto North Stars. That leaves Carolina, Colorado, Detroit, and Kelowna each putting up one player for the draft each. From Carolina we have Alexander Wachter a right wing from Austria going second overall to the Texas Renegades, from Colorado we have Henrik Lundqvist Jr. a center from Sweden going 6th overall to the Texas Renegades, from Detroit we have Kenny Creller a left wing from Ireland going 7th overall to the Los Angeles Panthers, and from Kelowna we have Luca Del Vecchio a goalie from Italy went 5th overall to the West Kendall Platoon.

Looking at the positions taken we see an interesting three way tie for positions selected. We have dmen, right wingers, and centers all tying at 4 a piece each weighing in at 25% a piece which attests for 75% of the first round draft class. This left goalies and left wings at 2 a piece attesting for 12.5% each. With both combined rounding out the last 25% of the first round picks.

Country of origin also adds to the odd variety of this first round draft with multiple picks coming from certain countries and even more odd picks from Countries not typically seen in the SHL. Tying for first with two a piece each is the USA, Sweden, and Ireland each with 12.5% of the draft class. After that each coming in with a single entry is Latvia, Japan, Austria, United Kingdom, Italy, Monaco, Ukraine, Serbia, Russia, and the Netherlands.

1. Nicholas Owens
Owens had an impressive rookie season coming in 9th for shots blocked in the regular season with a total of 61, and tied 7th for best rookie in points with a total of 5 goals and 16 assists leading to a total of 21 points. Owens played on the first defensive pairing for Anaheim alongside Ursin Zimmerman.

Ron Berry Analysis: Who the fuck has heard of a Japanian with the name of fucking Nicholas Owens? Sure as fuck not me. Not from Europe…maybe a wayward Canadian? First round pick? Ok then I guess he does like standing in front of pucks so it ain’t all bad. But Japan?

2. Alexander Wachter
Wachter comes from a heavily stacked roster but still managed to make a mark in the SMJHL with his shooting percentage having a dedicated 16.67% putting him just behind teammates and scoring leaders for Kraken Alexei Rykov and Ricky Bobby of the dreaded RGB line. Wachter managed to still shine only playing on the 4th line of what was a very heavily stacked forward corps that make up the Carolina Kraken. That he the lad accomplished getting a 4 Star Cup in his rookie season shows he will be a strong presence for the Renegades.

Ron Berry Analysis: Fucking Austria? What in the flying fuck is going on with the SHL? A European in the first round let alone before a Canadian? Absolute fucking disgrace. How is a Euro sissy going to make an impact in the league? They won’t. They will come here and steal our milk and honey and shoot our wives.

3. Abel Skinner
Skinner had an excellent rookie season tying for third in points for rookies with a total of 5 goals and 22 assists with a total of 27 points. Skinner played the first defensive pairing alongside Adam Barron. Proving once again strong dmen come out of the Raiders development even if it is a much more offensive dman.

Ron Berry Analysis: The UNITED FUCKING KINGDOM? My god I should have never recovered from the stroke. First we have this nonsense about the Australians or whatever and the goddamn kung fu fighting Japanese now a damn Brit? Do they even know what hockey is? Absolute insanity and he didn’t even get on top of blocked shots or punching people in the face. What is the use of a dman who can’t hurt people? This is a garbage sport now. Scoring? Get out of here.

4. Zlatan Ibrahimovic Jr.
Zlatan had an interesting and productive season as a freshman player finishing 6th in points with a total of 6 goals and 20 assists for a total of 26 points. Zlatan also tied for 8th for total amount of penalty minutes with 58 to his name. Zlatan worked the first defensive pair for Vancouver alongside Mikas Bieksa.

Ron Berry Analysis: I want to like this Abarhamobitch guy. I mean he is Swedish which is a big what the fuck but he also plays a mean physical game of hockey. I don’t even know what to make of this draft at this point. It is just a giant scampering of Euros and weird Japano people with normal names. I don’t even get this sport anymore. But yeah Abalamadingdong or whatever is an interesting pick because he doesn’t seem very Euro by the way he plays or he is undisciplined. Either way.

5. Luca Del Vecchio
Luca is a fascinating character. A goalie from Italy who can fight and put up good numbers? Sure why the hell not. So yeah Luca has a won fought to his name which is impressive. Luca was also 9th overall for save percentage at a .874. 8th in goals against average with a 3.24. 4th in minutes played with 2,466 and second at shots faced at 1,054. Tied for third for shutouts with 2 and 5th in wins with 20. Luca also was 3rd in penalty shots percentage at .846. Though Luca also had the disappointing record of being tied first for losses at 19. Though when you look at the amount of shots Luca faced it becomes quickly obvious he was doing his best in a defense that was leaking like a sieve and all on top of his rookie year.

Ron Berry Analysis: Who the fuck is running this draft? Do they know where Ontario is? Do they know what Canadians are? A fucking Italian named Luca? Is this the godfather? I want to hate the guy he is Italian, he is named Luca, he is Italian, but he won a fight as a goalie. Who cares he is great even if he is Italian.

6. Henrik Lundqvist Jr.
Not really sure on this one nothing popped up on the individual leaders board of the SMJHL regular season and since this is a superficial analysis with a dumb running color commentary from a fictional deranged Don Cherry character what more do you want? Maybe a recreate, is super active, has a ton of money, or a combination of some sort. Anyways drafted while playing the 4th line for the Raptors. So he played on a team that went to the Finals and played a tough series so either way it looks good for the lad.

Ron Berry Analysis: The mythical ghost Swede. Why not? Wouldn’t want to waste a spot for a hard, thick Ontario boy. No wouldn’t want that.

7. Kenny Creller
Another ghost in regards to this super lazy analysis. Kenny played the second line for the Falcons but again didn’t hit any top 10 records during the season. Again maybe a recreate, super active, or has a ton of money or whatever combination of that.

Ron Berry Analysis: What is there to say he is Irish, like me! So he is basically an honorary Canadian and not like those other kinds of people. What is there to say? Irish, Hockey, and probably drinks a fuckton. Approved.

8. Julien Villeneuve
Well Julien left his impressions in his rookie season specifically in the faces of the opposition. Julien was tied for third for total fights this season at 3 and tied for second for fights won at a total of 1. The young lad from Monaco obviously has a lot to prove and is doing so with an almost enforcer style of play that many stated they didn’t want in the SHL yet here we are in the first round. If Julien can harness his physical presence he will be a dominant figure on the ice and a joy to watch fight. Julien also played the second line for this past season for the Halifax Raiders.

Ron Berry Analysis: French so first off no. Second off no. Third off no. Also where the fuck is Monaco? Also who the fuck heard of a Frenchman fighting? I don’t understand this planet anymore it is confusing. This feels like a joke. Is this a fucking joke draft?

9. Ruslan Zaporozhets
Ruslan had an impressive rookie debut being the third highest scoring rookie of the season with 15 goals and 12 assists for a total of 27 points. The young Ukrainian proved to be a strong part of the St. Louis offense and shored up the second line with what looks to be a bright sophomore return to the SMJHL.

Ron Berry Analysis: Zapotatos is another one of these weak jawed Russian types to come over here and refuse to hit. SO what if he put up big scores at least that French weirdo from Morroco or wherever can fight. Honestly the league is going to shit and I don’t have enough booze to compensate for it.

10. Stracimir Petrović
Stracimir the young Serbian center has proved himself to be a strong player on what was a rather lackluster team this season pulling his weight on the third line for the Vancouver Whalers. Stracimir was 4th in the league for face-off percentage at a whopping 55.61%, he was also 10th highest scoring rookie at 8 goals and 11 assists for a total of 19 points. On top of that he came in second in the league for fights with a total of 3. Stracimir has all the hallmarks of an impressive center who will go far in his career with the ability to score points, win face-offs, and put up impressive numbers he is an amazing threat from the dot.

Ron Berry Analysis: Oh great some weird kid from fucking Siberia or some shit. Anyways Petrolhick is impressive in that he plays like he is from Ontario with all these punching, scoring, and physical play. Yet he has a weird name like Stratosphere or whatever. I mean do they even speak English over there? I doubt it.

11. Elizabeth Doyle
Doyle had a decent season especially more impressive when viewed from the fact it was a rookie season. Doyle was 8th in save percentage with a .877, 9th in goals against average with a 3.50, 10th in the season for minutes played with 1,919, 7th in shots faced at 909, tied for 6th for wins at 16, 7th in penalty shots percentage at .714, and tied for 4th for losses at 16. Doyle has the room to be a strong presence in the net and is on the road to establishing her name in the SHL.

Ron Berry Analysis: She is Irish so therefore honorary Canadian. On the other side she is a fucking WOMAN. Like how are you supposed to helicopter dick in the locker room now? How are you supposed to lather yourself up in the showers and going sliding around naked on the floor. How are you supposed to apply talcum powder to that hard, thicc Ontario boy?

12. Alex Petrenko
Petrenko is the young Russian phenom playing on the second defensive pairing for the Anaheim Outlaws alongside Jaakko Jarvinen. Petrenko led the rookie class this season in points with a total of 4 goals and 29 assists leading to an impressive 33 points for the dman. Petrenko brings the Russian tenacity and the ability to setup teammates to score and will be an impressive addition to any team especially being such a brilliant amount of assists show that Petrenko will be a boon no matter where he lands in the SHL.

Ron Berry Analysis: Oh my fucking God another fucking Russian. Great. Also named Alex, also drafted in the same spot as Alexei in the previous year. Is the 12th overall pick just a government paid for assistance program for Russian babies? Absolute nonsense. Boy can’t hit, and he can’t shoot. What good is he? Russians! Absolutely useless!

13. Mitchell van der Heijden
Mitchell the young Dutchman has proven himself to be a very strong forward and an impressive member of the third line Anchorage Armada. Mitchell is an absolutely filthy sniper with a shooting percentage of 18.67% putting him at 2nd overall in the SMJHL. To add to that impressive number is the fact that he was also 2nd overall for points scored by a rookie with a total of 14 goals and 14 assists for a total of 28 points. Mitchell is probably one of the more interesting picks and like Petrenko it is surprising to see them lower in the first round as they are with some impressive numbers but still the first round is the first round and these guys deserve it heavily.

Ron Berry Analysis: Netherlands? Where the fuck is that? Isn’t that some giant opium den in Europe or something? Anyways Mitchell van de Hog like all Euros just shoots and shoots and shoots. So what you put it in the net? Any baby could score if they don’t get hit. Pull your weight and hit people and stuff. Punch a guy in the face it is so easy to shoot. Anyone could do it like I said a baby!

14. Al Kayhall
Again in another analysis I could do a deep dive but this is superficial baby and we are going to keep it. No top 10s for the them. Maybe loaded? Maybe a recreate? Maybe the greatest discord jockey ever conceived? Not sure. A thing though should be watched.

Ron Berry Analysis: At least he is a North American player. Wish it was Canadian but I will take an American at this point. Though at the end of the draft? What nonsense the boy should have been first overall. Bullshit.

15. Stan Hanson
Stan is a very physical forward and once again shows that physical play was much more favored in this first round alongside scoring. Stan played the third line for Anchorage and provides an interesting physical presence on the ice for his freshman year. Stan was 8th in penalty minutes with a total of 58 and 3rd for hits with a total of 145. Stan is the typical old school winger who can bring a physical form of play onto the ice and will provide an excellent boon for any team that has him on the ice.

Ron Berry Analysis: Finally a proper almost Canadian. Likes to hit and hit a lot. Isn’t afraid of refs or other sissy Euros he will run everyone into the boards. I fucking love this guy. So close to perfect and if he was from Ontario I would kiss him on his first SHL game. Absolutely should have bee the first pick. I can say that whoever passed on this kid has their head up their ass and he probably did it after hitting them.

16. Indigo Trevino
Trevino playing the first line for the Halifax Raiders rounds out the draft. Trevino was tied 7th for goal scoring streak with 1. Overall Trevino seems like a solid if not mind blowing addition to the first round but overall it was a solid first round draft class with a lot of interesting variations especially in comparison to S50.

Ron Berry Analysis: Oh great a fucking Latvian from Latvia a place people can totally locate on the map. Anyways Indigo whose parents I can assume are the eastern European version of fucking Hippies name their kid after a color and didn’t give a fuck after they dropped him off at the nearest orphanage or whatever people do there. Anyways I am drunk, tired and don’t care. Dumb draft. Never doing this again. Thanks, bye.

So this concludes another superficial draft analysis which accomplishes nothing but filling up a virtual bank account so I can buy virtual equipment for a virtual player that doesn’t really exist and is likely as made as I am who is possibly also a simulation character. We should all embrace the absolute soul crushing existential crisis that this SHL literally screams out as we waste far too much of our precious time typing out dumbshit that only three people will actually read while the others who even peak at it will hit back immediately because it is an absolutely stupid large, wall o’text that will hopefully crit hit my bank account. And without further ado I give thee Skeletor another great animated hero of the 80s.

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