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suavemente · 05-19-2021, 03:08 PM

Disclaimer:

First things first milkduds! Yes, music is a subjective art form and different people can like different things, but, OBJECTIVELY I have better taste than you. There will be no “ifs, ands, or buts.” I have Divine Right and Mandate in this jurisdiction and my supreme authority shall not be challenged. The comments and opinions you are about to be subjected to are entirely my own and do not reflect the opinions of the SHL at large. I do not care to inform you on what your team goal song SHOULD be, I respect every team to make whatever choices they want to.
Viewer discretion is advised…

[Image: viewer-discretion-advisedjpg-1080x675.jpg]

Breaking down the Sonic Warfare Landscape:
The SHL’s transition to the FHM has been full of bumps and pitfalls. From understanding that stamina was now essential to the innovation and perfection of the Goal song. The goal song is a team's way to capitalize on a home-team advantage through sonic weaponry. Quickly the league learned of the psychological benefits of having a quick, snappy, and relevant goal song. Current schools of thought regarding how to structure a goal song vary: from being a literal mind weapon to enrage your opponents to having a rallying cry that encourages the home fans and the team to keep pushing. There are a multitude of approaches that will be covered and although these same techniques extend out to the international and junior teams that are capitalizing on the art of goal song warfare, I will only be covering the techniques used by teams in the SHL. Join me! We go on an adventure through acoustic heaven and noise-based hell, as we rank the goal songs in this league we call home.

Grading scale:
So for all you poindexters, we have some method to our madness. We will be using some sort of a rubric. I can throw away or change the rubric at any time, I control the rules and this is my power trip, you should be thankful for a glimpse into my arcane sciences, lest you be confused, remember that you are simpleton and this is the work of grander beings. Without further ado:

X: Does that shit slap [0-5]
A: How good is the edit of the song for FHM [0-3]
Z: Is it annoying [0.5 - 0.9] (inverse values, more annoying/closer to 0.5)
Y: Relevancy to the team/theme [0-5]
B: Realism of choice (Could this be used in the NHL) [0-4]

Formula for MusicGoodernot Scale™
(X + A) * (Z) + Y + B

Max Score possible: 16.2

How to read scores:

14.5 - 16.2 Excellent to Perfect song choice/theme and structure, may almost be too good.

11.3 - 14.4 Great song fitting with theme and pacing. May be lacking in certain aspects, or may have psychological irritant factors.

7.7 - 11.2 Good Effort and song choice. You have created a usable goal song, nothing more, nothing less.

3.3 - 7.6 Something is wrong here, either you were trying to make a sonic weapon or you messed up.

0.0 - 3.2 Not listenable to. Scrap immediately.

THE SCORES:

(In no particular order)

Tampa Bay Barracuda:

Heart - Barracuda

Does that shit slap [4] Awesome song, great vibe, has a real edge to it. Vocals are crisp, classic Heart and late 70’s / early 80’s rock.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [1.5] well timed cut, but it's very short.
Is it annoying [0.9] Very short so not really annoying, it's a good riff that can be repeated without too much bother to the listener.
Relevancy to the team/theme [5] Perfect score, literally the name and vibe of the team.
Realism of choice [4] I could 100% see this used in the current NHL and would fit on a variety of rosters, maybe even the Kraken?!

Overall Score: 13.95

Edmonton Blizzard

MOISTBOYZ - I Don’t Give a Fuck Where The Eagle Flies

Does that shit slap [3] Hard rockin’ punk anti-establishment, good rhythm but lacks the X factor of other contemporaries like Green Day.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [1.5] Comes in very strong, not a smooth transition or finish, and is very short.
Is it annoying [0.6] Fast edit but pretty abrasive, stacked up could get a little much.
Relevancy to the team/theme [1] Your guess is as good as mine as to what relevance this has to Edmonton or the Blizzard, I looked up the band they are from New Hope, Pennsylvania.
Realism of choice [0] Having “Fuck” be the key word in your goal song would likely not fly in any nationally broadcast sport.

Overall Score: 3.7

Texas Renegades

Pop Smoke - Dior

Does that shit slap [5] A keystone song for the NY Drill scene cementing its place on the world stage, amazing impact from this song is still felt across the industry to this day.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [1] Ultimately is just “wait, wait,wait, Eyyy, Eyyy, wooo (haha)”
Is it annoying [0.7] Being just adlibs from the song it doesn't have the catchy factor and can irritate.
Relevancy to the team/theme [2] No direct correlation, you could push it and say drill matches with “renegades'' as it is often associated with underground/criminal behavior. I get the theme, but it's hard to match it up directly.
Realism of choice (Could this be used in the NHL) [3] I think a different cut of the song could certainly be used, it is a very popular song still 3 years after release.

Overall Score: 9.2

Minnesota Monarchs

Queen - Don’t Stop me Now

Does that shit slap [5] I grew up with Queen, absolutely legendary band and this is one of their better songs.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [2] Catchiest and most relevant part “Don’t stop me now” is exactly what a cocky player would say after scoring.
Is it annoying [0.9] Very good, literally makes sense when played in repetition.
Relevancy to the team/theme [3] Here im gonna ding ya, unfortunately no direct tie in. INITIAL SCORE WAS 1 BUT THEN I REALIZED “QUEEN” IS A MONARCH. TAKE YOUR BONUS POINTS.
Realism of choice [4] second max score for a category in the same run, very catchy and pro-crowd song that gets people excited that the home team is doing things.

Overall Score: 13.3

ARTICLE BROKEN IN 5 PARTS DUE TO POSTING RESCTIRICTONS

suavemente · 05-19-2021, 03:09 PM

PART II

Manhattan Rage

William Regal - Real Man’s Man

Does that shit slap [1] No, not really at all. Sounds like an acapella song to the intro for a Cowboy based porno.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [1.5] Not much to work with on the sample, did the best you could.
Is it annoying [0.7] Not terrible but the confusing nature of it does contribute to a lower score.
Relevancy to the team/theme [1] No direct correlation to the team or theme.
Realism of choice [2] Possibly could be used but I would feel bad for whatever team chooses to use it.

Overall Score: 4.75

Toronto North Stars

Final Fantasy VI (I think) - Victory Fanfare

Does that shit slap [4] Classic use of a major key to signify victory or accomplishment, same nostalgia factor as the "Link opening a chest" melody.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [2] You did the thing, simple edit that fits.
Is it annoying [0.8] Nothing catchy here, but it doesn't hurt to hear it multiple times due to its short nature.
Relevancy to the team/theme [1] No direct correlation to the team or theme.
Realism of choice [2] Possibly could be used but would have to be for a specific tie-in night or something, would not make sense as a permanent choice.

Overall Score: 7.8

Chicago Syndicate

Frank Sinatra - My Kind of Town

Does that shit slap [3] Nothing against the legend Frank, but it’s not his best song. Little too musical/broadway.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [2]well timed cut, obviously focused around Chicago.
Is it annoying [0.7]Hearing the word Chicago over and over isnt the best but the tinkly vibe helps balance out the annoyance.
Relevancy to the team/theme [5]Perfect score, literally the name and vibe of the team.
Realism of choice [3] It seems a little too soft for a massive cheering arena, I feel like you wouldn’t be able to even hear it over the roar of the crowd.

Overall Score: 11.5

suavemente · 05-19-2021, 03:11 PM

PART III

Seattle Argonauts

300 - Spartans what is your profession?

Does that shit slap [2] HOOooh! HOOoooh! HOoooh!
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [2.5] First clip to actually have additional editing outside of just the music. I like the massive boat horn to help fit the theme.
Is it annoying [0.6] HOOooh! HOOoooh! HOoooh!
Relevancy to the team/theme [4] Unfortunately Spartans are not Argonauts, Not all hoplites are the same okay.
Realism of Choice [2] I could see it but only for the minors or some very niche “Spartan” team.

Overall Score: 8.7

Baltimore Platoon

SAINt JHN - Roses (Imanbek Remix)

Does that shit slap [5] Of course Roses slaps, despite being the most overplayed jam of last year, it still holds up. Almost a universal turn-up song.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [3] BRRT BRRT BRRT. Infamous, love or hate you have an opinion on this goal song.
Is it annoying [0.7] As mentioned, the edit of the song is highly controversial and beloved by some and despised by others.
Relevancy to the team/theme [4] Aside from the BRRT. has little to no relevance to the Baltimore Platoon. Saved by A-10.
Realism of Choice [4] Would give a 5 but need to retain some integrity. Honestly though the Roses remix was built for stadium and arena celebration, massive bounce factor.

Overall Score: 13.6

Hamilton Steelhawks

PornHub Intro

Does that shit slap [1] No. We get it, you’re coomers.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [0] You didn’t do anything.
Is it annoying [0.6] Saved by short length but otherwise it's pretty bad.
Relevancy to the team/theme [1] Should we be concerned? Probably not. Does this reflect on the maturity of the team as a whole? Most likely yes.
Realism of Choice [0] Porn.

Overall Score: 1.6

Los Angeles Panthers

Steel Panther - Eyes of a Panther

Does that shit slap [4] Yes, hair metal is an awesome subgenre and a I love how they rock it still now 30 years later.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [2] I’m not sure if you added additional panther roars into the track or it’s just part of the song, I tried to determine but was unable to, so I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Dinged point for not using the vocals that say “Panther” throughout the song.
Is it annoying [0.7] Yea a little bit of the panther roar and high octane guitar can be a little much in repetition.
Relevancy to the team/theme [5] Panther roar and team and theme of glam but can fuck you up. All spot on. Max Score.
Realism of Choice [4] I could see it popping into an XFL game or something with a little more edge, not sure how mass marketable it could be.

Overall Score: 13.2

suavemente · 05-19-2021, 03:12 PM

Part IV

Winnipeg Aurora

Mario Kart 8 OST - Rainbow Road

Does that shit slap [3] Nintendo’s in house music production is superb. Ultimately it is a video game song that is kinda sooooft and whimsical.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [2] Purely Non-vocal songs can be harder to chop up unless taken from a meme where the known start and finish exists. Good work making it sound as one coherent bar from the otherwise complex song.
Is it annoying [0.8] Too pleasant to really get irritating but the looping melody could get stale
Relevancy to the team/theme [5] This shocked me but it is so fitting for the team logo/vibe and aesthetic. Very “Spacey” feel from the song compliments the nature of the team.
Realism of Choice [2] Unfortunately the song is too amorphous and complex to be heard in a roaring arena and would sound muddy.

Overall score: 11.0

San Francisco Pride

DNQ - NO SONG!

Cmon boys, at least think of something.

Here are some ideas:

Scott McKenzie - San Francisco https://youtu.be/7I0vkKy504U

Jefferson Airplane - Somebody to Love https://youtu.be/XNc9phYujWY

Techno version to spice it up for the kids https://youtu.be/7UOu3l5Yi-Q ( i would use ~37)

Overall Score: DNQ

Calgary Dragons

Amon Amarth - Deceiver of the Gods

Does that shit slap [5] Badass Viking Metal, wouldn’t feel out of place in a DOOM soundtrack. Absolute banger.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [2.5] The additional flavor from the dragon roar compliments the riff perfectly.
Is it annoying [0.6] High Speed Metal riffs with Dragon roar can become an irritant after a couple times.
Relevancy to the team/theme [3] Fits the metal theme of the older team with older music, dragon roar seals the deal but still could be better.
Realism of Choice [4] I could certainly see this on an edgier team in the league, maybe the Dallas Stars since they also have a metal kick with Pantera.

Overall Score: 11.5

New Orleans Specters

Michael Jackson - Thriller

Does that shit slap [5] Thriller is the most influential “spooky” song of all time. Don’t @ me.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [1] Just trimmed down but fitting edit of laughter and the infamous chords.
Is it annoying [0.7] Nothing exceptionally irritating or pleasant about this in repetition.
Relevancy to the team/theme [4] Vibe of dancing skeletons/undead army looking swag is pretty much on the nose for the Party town Purple Ghosts.
Realism of Choice [3] Just because of how iconic it is it could certainly be used any halloween or by any team with undead iconography/theme, but not this particular edit.

Overall Score: 11.2

Buffalo Stampede

Jumanji - Run it’s a Stampede

Does that shit slap [1] No, it’s a line from a 1995 kids film. A good movie, but the line doesn’t slap, the movie does.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [.5] It’s literally just a line from a movie and the clip is the first thing that comes up on youtube when you search “run it's a stampede”
Is it annoying [0.6] Repetitive uninspired lines are tiresome.
Relevancy to the team/theme [4] Yeah I guess it is your name, congrats, but in the movie they are Rhinos not Buffalos.
Realism of Choice [1] Why did you guys choose this? I’m sure there are songs about stampedes out there. No team in their right mind would choose this as a celebration.

Overall Score: 5.9

suavemente · 05-19-2021, 03:12 PM

Part V

Atlanta Inferno

Outkast - The Way You Move ft. Sleepy Brown

Does that shit slap [5] Outkast is a safe choice for almost any social interaction, from work party to pool-party, tailgate, rager, etc. Outkast gets the job done.
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [2] Focusing on the chorus is a good choice, I think you had a little more time to play with though. Maybe adding a flare-up *Swoosh* sound at the beginning could push you to a 3.
Is it annoying [0.8] Not irritating at all, very smooth lead in and fade out.
Relevancy to the team/theme [4] Big shout out to Atlanta by using hometown heroes Outkast. Fits the funky vibe of the team.
Realism of Choice [4] Could certainly see this as a goal song, particularly in a soccer league for some reason. Just fits the vibe of “day drinking” very well.

Overall Score: 13.6

New England Wolfpack

Eurovision Soundtrack - Moon Fang “Running with the Wolves”

Does that shit slap [2] At first I thought this was just some furry metal, then I found out while writing this article that it comes from that shitty movie. C’mon guys, very disappointed in you. It is kinda catchy though…
How good is the edit of the song for FHM [2] You got the chorus in there. Proud of you.
Is it annoying [0.7] Not the best but certainly is a brain worm.
Relevancy to the team/theme [4] You guys are a wolfpack and do seem to be running together. Take your points.
Realism of Choice [3] Why the hell is your song scoring decently, you should be way lower, this makes no sense, I may need to rework my scale. I guess that’s what you get when you use catchy song.

Overall Score: 9.8

Conclusion
I think custom team goal songs are an awesome addition to the league and they allow for an immense amount of creativity and brand building in the league. I love how every team has taken their own spin on the goal song. I would love to do another one of these articles for the junior league in the future so if you GMs have any plans I would change those songs before the next double media roles around. This article was super fun to write and I hope no one takes it too seriously or to heart as this is all simple fun.

TL;DR SCORES AND LEADERBOARD
Barracuda

- 13.95

- 13.6

- 13.3

- 13.2

- 11.5

- 11.2

- 11.0

- 9.8

- 9.2

- 8.7

- 7.8

- 5.9

- 4.75

- 3.7

- 1.6

- DNQ

Thanks for coming folks! I look forward to your well thought out replies :D

Duff101 · 05-19-2021, 03:16 PM

05-19-2021, 03:11 PMsuavemente Wrote:
[b] Seattle Argonauts[/b]

300 - Spartans what is your profession?

[b]Does that shit slap [2] HOOooh! HOOoooh! HOoooh![/b]
[b]How good is the edit of the song for FHM [2.5] First clip to actually have additional editing outside of just the music. I like the massive boat horn to help fit the theme. [/b]
[b]Is it annoying [0.6] HOOooh! HOOoooh! HOoooh![/b]
[b]Relevancy to the team/theme [4] Unfortunately Spartans are not Argonauts, Not all hoplites are the same okay. [/b]
[b]Realism of Choice [2] I could see it but only for the minors or some very niche “Spartan” team. [/b]

[b]Overall Score: 8.7[/b]

I know it's not neccesarily a hockey goal horn but Michigan State has used the spartans what is your profession thing for years.

Credit to Geck, Ragnar and Juni for sigs

Leoben · 05-19-2021, 03:17 PM

Texas too high.

Keygan · 05-19-2021, 03:21 PM

I've just been too lazy to change the goal horn since last playoffs often time in Edmonton I change the playoff goal horn to be something somewhat playful in regards to the other team hence "I don't give a fuck where the eagle flies" for Baltimore.