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dylanjj37 · 05-26-2021, 08:14 PM

(2x for charity please)

As many of you know, last weekend the best show on TV took place, Eurovision. The people in charge of the SMJHL saw how popular this show was and decided that it would be a good idea if they held their own contest, only with hockey instead of singing and dancing and fire. And so, the SMJHL Draftee Showcase was born. Much like the traditional All-Star Skills Competitions sometimes held by other leagues, the Draftee Showcase features the upcoming draftees performing numerous feats of skill such as speed and puckhandling. Most importantly though, it features the draftees themselves and the showcase also helps the showcase their skills in preparation for the draft.

The most important part of the event is, of course, the contestants and because the SMJHL head bosses got the idea from Eurovision, they also thought it would be good to have all the draftees represent countries instead of just being themselves. Unfortunately, it turned out that many of the draftees were from the same countries as each other and it would be no fun if there were ten different draftees representing the United States and so the SMJHL decided that they would sell the rights for draftee representation to various countries in order to both raise awareness of that country and also to try and build up a larger hockey fanbase in nontraditional countries that don’t usually watch hockey. The 32 players in the draft were than assigned to either their birth country or one of these many countries that had paid for advertising. What follows is a full list of the contestants and the countries they will be representing. Those with asterisks are representing their birth country.

SMJHL Draftee Showcase Contestants
1. Jalal ad-Din Afinogenov (*Kazakhstan)
2. Peanut Butter (*Russia)
3. Xman Damson (Solomon Islands)
4. Adelie de Pengu (*Sweden)
5. Clem Fandango (*Great Britain)
6. Porg Garros (*Germany)
7. Doug Glatt (Sealand)
8. Antonio Hall (*Canada)
9. Dobby Hintzskanen (San Marino)
10. Ahlo Kysoka (*Norway)
11. Albert Luck (St. Vincent and the Grenadines)
12. Spicy MacHaggis (Cabo Verde)
13. Melvin Majestik Moose (St. Kitts and Nevis)
14. Randy Marsh (*Austria)
15. Big Newff (North Macedonia)
16. Jamal Nightingale (*Jamaica)
17. Milo Oliver (Trinidad and Tobago)
18. Aka Ralfonso (*Latvia)
19. Michael Robertson (United Arab Emirates)
20. Luca Shark (Bosnia and Herzegovina)
21. Sam Siege (New Zealand)
22. Vic Smith (Sri Lanka)
23. Sami Söderberg (*Finland)
24. Sean Stevenson III (Antigua and Barbuda)
25. Towelie (Democratic Republic of the Congo)
26. Donald Jr. Trump (*United States)
27. Wing Wang (Central African Republic)
28. Jon Webber (Burkina Faso)
29. Sebastian Weiss (Papua New Guinea)
30. Clifford Wilson (São Tomé and Príncipe)
31. Adam Wyatt (Marshall Islands)
32. Tomas Zadina (*Czech Republic)

After acquiring both players and countries, the first stage of the competition is the semi-finals. These are decided by putting people who are friends with each other in different semis so that you can’t vote for anyone you actually like. Also, because the SMJHL are using this as an opportunity to make money, the six countries who paid the most will be able to completely skip the semi-finals and be guaranteed a place in the finals. They don’t have to be good, they just have to be rich. The six players straight through to the finals are Jalal ad-Din Afinogenov of Kazakhstan, Melvin Majestik-Moose of St. Kitts and Nevis, Doug Glatt of Germany, Clifford Wilson of São Tomé and Príncipe, Towelie of the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Tomas Zadina of the Czech Republic. Lastly, each semi-final sees only five out of the thirteen players make it through to the finals! It is very competitive. Naturally, no one watches the semi-finals because they are full of bad contestants who haven’t been weeded out yet and no one has time to watch three shows in a week. Thus, I will assume that you too did not watch the semi-finals and present the list of winning players who will make it through to the finals!

SEMI-FINAL 1
1st: Sebastian Weiss (Papua New Guinea)
2nd: Adelie de Pengu (Sweden)
3rd: Peanut Butter (Russia)
4th: Sam Siege (New Zealand)
5th: Wing Wang (Central African Republic)

SEMI-FINAL 2
1st: Randy Marsh (Austria)
2nd: Albert Luck (St. Vincent and the Grenadines)
3rd: Luca Shark (Bosnia and Herzegovina)
4th: Sean Stevenson III (Antigua and Barbuda)
5th: Donald Jr. Trump (United States)

Finally, we get to the final. Unlike Eurovision where each contestant performs just one song, in the SMJHL Draftee Showcase, the draftees are required to perform in five separate contests showcasing different skills. Then, they will be ranked based on how well they performed overall in all the contests. The first event is focuses on passing and uses a little robot passing machine to pass the puck to players who then pass it on to another little machine thing around or through various obstacles. Sam Siege was the clear favourite for this event with the best passing skill in the finals but sadly underperformed on the night and was beaten by Austrian Randy Marsh. São Tomé and Príncipe’s Clifford Wilson came a close second, performing far better than he was expected to, followed in third by Peanut Butter. The night had only just begun and it was already full of surprises. Sadly, last place went to Sealand’s Doug Glatt who seemed totally unable to even get any of the pucks on his stick, let alone pass them to the correct destination.

The second event is the puckhandling obstacle course where the players must navigate their way through a difficult obstacle course with the puck. The obstacles include things such as mini hoops for the puck to go through as well as obstacles for the player such as random bursts of flames. Sebastian Weiss and Luca Shark were predicted to be the frontrunners here however it was a tight race with most players really having worked on their puckhandling. First place went to the Democratic Republic of the Congo’s Towelie although I do not know how a towel can hold a stick. Second place went to Papua New Guinea’s Sebastian Weiss and third to Tomas Zadina of the Czech Republic. Sadly, once again, Sealand’s Doug Glatt came last after getting his foot stuck in one of the mini hoops for pucks, tripping over it and falling flat on his face. He then refused to finish the obstacle course.
The third event is shooting accuracy. This is probably the simplest even as all the contestant has to do is get the puck in the goal. On the other hand, it might be the hardest, because much like crazy golf, they must get the puck through various amusing obstacles and score a goal in just one shot! With the classic windmill and other obstacles making an appearance, this is a tough contest for all the players. Peanut Butter is expected to do well though with a much higher shooting accuracy than other contestants. Somehow though, Towelie pulled through again, coming first despite being a towel. He was followed by St. Kitts and Nevis’s Melvin Majestik-Moose and then Russia’s Peanut Butter. In last place, after pinging the puck upwards until it bounced off one of the sails of the windmill, then straight into the glass and smashing it to pieces, was once again Sealand’s Doug Glatt. Poor Doug.

The fourth event is speed, where the players simply have to be the fastest skater. Of course, skating in a loop around the rink would be very boring and so they will instead skate through a slalom course in an effort to be the fastest player. Super speedy Luca Shark was the bookies’ favourite in this race but only managed to come in a measly 10th. First place went to São Tomé and Príncipe’s Clifford Wilson, followed by New Zealand’s Sam Siege and then Antigua and Barbuda’s Sean Stevenson III. Heading up the rear in last place, the slowest player of all was Doug Glatt, who didn’t seem to understand what a slalom was and instead skating not only around the outside of the slalom flags, but also the wrong direction.

The fifth and final event is the strength test, where, using a highly complicated bit of machinery, the player’s strength will be measured based on how hard they hit the puck. This is by far the simplest event in that there are no creative obstacles but the players are required to wear costumes while hitting the puck although the costume will have no bearing on overall position. The strongest players in this contest are Donald Jr. Trump and Sebastian Weiss but the contest is close so anybody could win (expect probably not Doug Glatt). First place, however, went to Towelie once again even though TOWELS CAN’T BE STRONG. Second place went to the Czech Republic’s Tomas Zadina and third to Clifford Wilson. I am not sure it needs to be said, but after taking several (read: more than a dozen) attempts to hit the puck and missing each time, Doug Glatt came in last without a single score.

This brings about the conclusion of the contest part of the SMJHL Draftee Showcase and the final results can be revealed. Towelie was by far the best player in tonight’s events, with Clifford Wilson and Peanut Butter way behind in second and third. However, it is now time for the interval where you can do three things. First, take a toilet break. This is the best time to do it. Second, you can vote for which player you want to win the contest because the scores and positions don’t matter if the player doesn’t get votes. Third, you can watch the interval entertainment which will contest of an unknown music group standing on swinging ladders singing a song everyone knows but no one wants to listen to. It also featured both of these year's goalie draftees, Bob Hart and Willie Miller, who did a fantastic interpretative dance together in their goalie pads and were the highlight of the evening.

FULL RESULTS
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And now, the moment you have all been waiting for – who has won the first ever SMJHL Draftee Showcase? The votes have been counted from all across the globe (not really, most countries didn’t even watch), and using a complicated formula involving exponential smoothing and rankings and all sorts of technical things, the winner has finally been decided. Rather than revealing all the results, since it would be horrible to announce live on air that someone had received absolutely no votes whatsoever, I will just enough first place.

Congratulations to Doug Glatt, representing Sealand!

Doug Glatt has pulled off a miracle and somehow won the first ever SMJHL Draftee Showcase despite losing every single event. Unfortunately, there is no prize except the knowledge you have achieved something. Thank you for watching this momentous occasion and I hope you will tune in again next season to watch another totally random player win absolutely nothing.

EDITOR’S NOTE: After investigation, it was discovered that the Sealand Government had in fact concocted the whole showcase idea and taken it to the SMJHL, offering them the idea in exchange for a guaranteed win. Therefore, Doug Glatt will be stripped of his title and due to the entire event being a scam, no one will win the contest. Next season’s contest is currently under review.