04-18-2022, 01:01 PM(This post was last modified: 04-18-2022, 02:15 PM by Matteo. Edited 1 time in total.)
Hello everyone! Like many people I need money to feed my newly discovered trading card addiction, so I’m getting some very high-quality media going.
I don’t know what to call the object of a team’s name, their mascot or logo maybe? In any case it doesn’t matter, as today we’re gonna find out which one would win in an all out free for all battle. Before we get started, I’d first like to remind everyone that I don’t know anything about anything, so please don’t take this too seriously. Now let’s meet our combatants.
Atlanta Inferno: So we start off with a team who’s name doesn’t have a physical being associated with it. We’ll steal the phoenix from their logo and say that this is what will be representing them for this battle. According to ancient Greek mythology, the phoenix is an immortal bird, but in Harry Potter that fucker definitely died so you tell me which I should trust. Actually don’t, I’m ruling that if the phoenix turns to ashes it loses. Also, according to ancient Egyptian mythology, only one phoenix existed at a time, so only one will represent Atlanta.
Baltimore Platoon: According to Google, there are 20 to 50 soldiers in a platoon, so let’s take the average and say that 35 American soldiers will be representing Baltimore.
Buffalo Stampede: While nobody has told me which specific animal is stampeding in Buffalo, I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that maybe it’s the animal that the city is named after and is in the logo. According to Google, Buffaloes live in groups of 15 to 20, so we’ll take the average of 18 (rounded up like TPE).
Hamilton Steelhawks: For some reason I thought that a Steelhawk was an actual type of hawk, but when I Googled it random companies came up and that was it. So instead, we’ll be using the red-tailed hawk, which is apparently the most common type of hawk in Hamilton. From what I read, red-tailed hawks don’t exist in groups, so Hamilton will be represented by just one.
Manhattan Rage: Rage is more of an emotion than a creature that fights, so looking at Manhattan’s logo I’m pretty sure that’s a bull. Google tells me that in the wild, cattle live in herds of around 30, but there is only one bull per herd. Let’s just say that Manhattan will be represented by 16 cattle.
Montreal Patriotes: In my quick Wikipedia research I learned a bit of Quebec’s history that I didn’t know, about the Patriote movement and the Lower Canada Rebellion in the 1830s. It’s a lot to write about here, so I’ll just say if you’re interested you should read about it. There were 4,100 Patriotes who fought in this movement. That’s a lot, so I’m gonna pull a number out and say that 410 Patriotes came out. This still seems like a lot but let’s remember that they’re armed with muskets and using 1830s battle tactics.
New England Wolfpack: This one would seem simple enough, although according to two seconds of research there aren’t really that many wolves in New England so that made choosing which species a little more complicated. I ended up going with eastern wolves since it seems like they’re the closest, and they live in packs of three to six. So five eastern wolves will be representing New England.
Philadelphia Forge: Now we come across our first team with no real physical embodiment that can fight. Sorry Philly, y’all are sitting this one out.
Tampa Bay Barracuda: Finally one that’s actually straightforward. According to Google, barracudas live alone, so Tampa Bay will be represented by just one.
Toronto North Stars: Another team with nothing that actually fights, sorry Toronto, you’re out too.
Calgary Dragons: Calgary’s logo depicts a European dragon, and according to folklore those were big old lizards who breathed fire and lived alone with shiny things under ground. Calgary will be represented by a single dragon.
Chicago Syndicate: Today I learned that the Al Capone’s crime family is still doing shady shit to this day, but when you think of the mafia you think of the prohibition-era guys. Wikipedia says that there are 30 members of the family, so 30 guys with tommy guns and fedoras will be representing Chicago.
Edmonton Blizzard: Similar to Manhattan, you can’t really fight a blizzard so for Edmonton we’ll look at their logo of what I think is an arctic wolf (could also be coyote or fox). Arctic wolves live in packs of four to seven, so six of them will represent Edmonton.
Los Angeles Panthers: According to Google, Panthers live alone, so LA will be represented by just one.
Minnesota Monarchs: Minnesota’s logo is a picture of a king, so that guy will be representing them in battle equipped with a sword, shield, and iron plate armour with chain mail.
New Orleans Specters: So I found out that a specter is just a fancy word for a ghost meaning that they’re already dead. Given this, it looks like the Specters will be spectators for this battle.
San Francisco Pride: Google tells me that the average pride includes 15 lions, so that is what San Francisco will have representing them.
Seattle Argonauts: In ancient Greece, the Argonauts were a group of 50 warriors who got on a boat and sailed off to all kinds of crazy adventures. These 50 warriors will represent Seattle, equipped with spears, shields, and bronze plate armour.
Texas Renegades: A renegade is a person who betrays or leaves their allegiance. Texas’ logo is also a cowboy. They will be represented by a single cowboy with a revolver.
Winnipeg Aurora: Closing us off, we’ve got another team that can sit in the stands.
Alright after nearly 1,000 words already our combatants are set, let’s finally get into it.
We begin in a lightly wooded area with rolling hills and a clear sky. The sun is setting, except looking out something’s different. It seems larger and brighter, but further away. From it comes a massive flare, unleashing a beautiful show of lights in the skies above. Seemingly from out of nowhere several creatures start appearing; some in groups, many being human with freshly crafted weapons. Each feels a chill down their spine, then a second, stranger feeling, almost a deafening sound in their ears, imploring them that they must fight if they want to go back home.
The humans are the first to begin fighting, and to draw blood. As the Monarch looks around and finds himself seemingly on his own, he begins to shout commands at the other people to fight for him. This backfires spectacularly though, as when the Patriotes see him they know that they can not miss their shot for freedom, and they open fire on the Monarch. Minnesota is the first team to fall, and Montreal is the first to draw blood.
The Platoon, upon seeing 400 musketeers reloading after peppering the Monarch with lead balls, decide that the Patriotes will not be a threat and instead try to seek an alliance with them to obtain strength in greater numbers. The Patriotes see the Platoon’s superior technology and accepts.
While this is happening, a dogfight of sorts breaks out nearby. Both the Wolfpack and the Blizzard pack are eager to claim this territory and break into a fight. The stronger arctic wolves outnumbering the Wolfpack end up winning this battle, however they lose two members in the process. New England is the second team to fall.
Each of the landlocked fighters hear a ground shaking bellow from above, and as they look up a kaiju battle is taking place. The enraged Dragon is fighting the Inferno’s phoenix, and while it seems like this would be one-sided, this is not the case. The Dragon takes in a deep breath and exhales a fiery cloud in the phoenix’s direction but this just seems to make it stronger. The Dragon goes in for a bite attack but the phoenix is too fast and dodges it. Whenever it does get close enough it takes some swipes at the Dragon’s body, however its armour is very strong and it will take awhile to get through, if ever. For now this battle continues as a stalemate.
While some are fighting to win, others are just trying to find food to stay alive. The Renegade has hatched a plan to survive on the land until he is one of the last men standing. He finds the Rage’s herd of wild cattle grazing in a grassy clearing and decides that if he can pick just one off, he’ll have more than enough food to last him. He climbs up a tree and takes aim with his revolver, ready to shoot to kill.
Meanwhile the Pride goes on the hunt. They spot a pack of Buffalo and a herd of the Rage’s cattle grazing not far from each other. The Pride, being familiar with similar creatures to the Buffalo in their homes and how tough they are to kill, decide to focus their efforts on the cattle instead. They stalk the cows, and right as they jump out of the bush there’s a loud bang.
The Renegade had fired at one of the cows on the outskirts of the herd, but as the lions jumped out it got startled and moved. It still hit, but just injured the cattle. The Pride take advantage of this and go for the kill, taking it down easily, while the rest chase down and catch a second cow. The Pride seem to not notice the Renegade up in the tree, and if they do, not to pay him any attention. He settles in for the night with an empty stomach and just five bullets left in his gun.
As the Renegade rests, he is momentarily awoken by a sharp pain in his neck. The nocturnal Panther had been hunting for food in the night and saw the Renegade as easy prey. He releases one last bullet from his gun, hitting a tree nearby, before his body goes limp. Texas is the third team to fall.
In the night many remain quiet. The only sounds being the two legendary beasts battling in the sky, and an Italian Syndicate family telling stories, laughing, and arguing with each other about being hungry and hating nature. As the commotion goes on, several spears fly out from the bushes, impaling three of the Syndicate members. Each of the rest of them get up and grab their weapons, and as they look over, they see the Argonauts making a shield wall, expecting a charge against them. Instead, each of the Syndicate opens fire with their Tommy guns, ending the legend of the Argonauts. Seattle is the fourth team to fall.
The Dragon and phoenix keep fighting through the night until morning comes. Every other creature wakes up for a long day of battle, while the Hawk eats the remains of some bodies and the Barracuda swims alone nearby.
The Platoon and Patriotes alliance, eager for this to end, are the first team to go hunting on this day. Their first objective is to secure enough food to feed 445 people. They come across the grazing Buffalo and unleash a massive firing squad, taking each of them down. Now that food is taken care of, this team will really be able to go on the offensive. Buffalo is the fifth team to fall.
The arctic wolves, quickly running out of enemies in their weight class, stumble across the resting panther. The battle is bloody; the wolves get the jump on the panther, and it is stronger than any of the wolves individually, but it is not match for the pack tactics and eventually falls after taking two of the wolves out. Los Angeles is the sixth team to fall.
The Syndicate, like the other humans, are hungry and eager for this to end. Some resorted to eating the Argonauts the night before while others remained hungry. Eventually they started hunting as well, finding the remainder of the cattle and making quick work of them. Manhattan is the seventh team to fall.
The Platoon-Patriotes, hearing gunfire, immediately rush that direction looking for a fight and find the Syndicate. Them being such a large group though, the crime family heard them coming. As the alliance eventually found the dead cattle and empty shells, they looked around to find no Syndicate in sight. Suddenly though, all hell broke loose as the Syndicate came out from hiding and started firing. It was a bloody battle, but the Platoon and Patriotes came out on top, though not before losing five members of the Platoon and over half of the Patriotes. Chicago is the eighth team to fall.
Some of the Patriotes picked up the weapons of the Syndicate while others mourned their losses, and after seeing themselves lose so much while the Platoon lost so little, they began questioning this alliance that they had formed and plotting against the other side. This became amplified when the Platoon took aim at them and warned them to drop them. They decided that they would stick with it a little while longer until they were closer to being the last men standing though.
Over the next few days there wasn’t a lot of action. One of the members of the Platoon was able to finally shoot the hawk out of the sky, making Hamilton the ninth team to fall. The Pride came across the remaining two Arctic wolves and made quick work of them, making Edmonton the tenth team to fall. Eventually the barracuda starved to death, making Tampa Bay the eleventh team to fall.
But then, for the first time since arriving on this strange battlefield, everything fell quiet. Ashes rained down on everyone as the dragon was finally able to land a blow on the phoenix, hitting it with a tail swipe and turning it to dust. Atlanta is the twelfth team to fall.
The injured dragon rained fire down on the earth below, spotting the Pride below and incinerating them all before coming down for some long overdue food and rest. San Francisco is the thirteenth team to fall.
Later on was the first quiet night, and the Platoon and Patriotes both soon realized that they were some of the last standing. The Platoon figured that they would need the help of the Patriotes to kill the dragon, then they would be able to take the Patriotes down easily. The Patriotes had a slightly different plan. In the night, the Platoon had a few members on watch while the rest slept. The Patriotes had each loaded their muskets beforehand, and in the middle of the night, sprang up and fired upon the Platoon. The members on watch had a second to react and were able to take down 50 Patriotes between them, but it was no use as the Platoon was taken down mostly in their sleep. Baltimore is the fourteenth team to fall.
This commotion was enough to attract the ire of the sleeping dragon, and soon the final battle began. While some of the Patriotes scrambled to load their weapons as fast as they could, others picked up the Platoon’s guns. As the firestorm was upon them, the Patriotes opened fire, some hitting the already injured dragon but most missing, and none being lethal enough to take it down. The dragon flew up and while the Patriotes reloaded, it delivered the killing blow, taking out most of the rest with its fiery breath and hunting down the others who ran away. Montreal is the fifteenth and last team to fall.
Within an inch of its life, peppered with bullets and led balls, missing scales thanks to the phoenix, the dragon is the champion of this battle royale. It felt the shiver in its spine once more, and took one last look at the carnage around it before being transported back to its home.
Summary:
• Monarch: Did not draw blood, first to fall
• Wolfpack (5): Killed two of the Blizzard’s wolf pack, second to fall
• Renegade: Injured one of the cattle, third to fall
• Argonauts (50): Killed three of the Syndicate, fourth to fall
• Buffalo (18): Did not draw blood, fifth to fall
• Panther: Killed the renegade and two of the Blizzard’s wolf pack, sixth to fall
• Cattle (16) (14): Did not draw blood, seventh to fall
• Syndicate (30) (27): Killed the Argonauts, five of the Platoon, and 210 of the Patriotes, eighth to fall
• Red-tailed hawk: Did not draw blood, ninth to fall
• Arctic wolf pack (6)(4) (2): Killed the wolfpack and the panther, tenth to fall
• Barracuda: Did not draw blood, starved to death, eleventh to fall
• Phoenix: Injured the dragon, twelfth to fall
• Pride (15): Killed two of the cattle and two of the Blizzard’s wolf pack, thirteenth to fall
• Platoon (35) (30): Killed the buffalo and the Syndicate with the Patriotes, killed the hawk and 50 of the Patriotes, second last to fall
• Patriotes (410)(200) (150): Killed the monarch, killed the buffalo and the Syndicate with the Platoon, killed 30 of the Platoon, and injured the dragon, first blood, last to fall
• Dragon: Killed the phoenix, the pride, and 150 of the Patriotes, last one standing
Matteo
Atlanta Inferno: So we start off with a team who’s name doesn’t have a physical being associated with it. We’ll steal the phoenix from their logo and say that this is what will be representing them for this battle. According to ancient Greek mythology, the phoenix is an immortal bird, but in Harry Potter that fucker definitely died so you tell me which I should trust. Actually don’t, I’m ruling that if the phoenix turns to ashes it loses. Also, according to ancient Egyptian mythology, only one phoenix existed at a time, so only one will represent Atlanta.
Baltimore Platoon: According to Google, there are 20 to 50 soldiers in a platoon, so let’s take the average and say that 35 American soldiers will be representing Baltimore.
Buffalo Stampede: While nobody has told me which specific animal is stampeding in Buffalo, I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that maybe it’s the animal that the city is named after and is in the logo. According to Google, Buffaloes live in groups of 15 to 20, so we’ll take the average of 18 (rounded up like TPE).
Hamilton Steelhawks: For some reason I thought that a Steelhawk was an actual type of hawk, but when I Googled it random companies came up and that was it. So instead, we’ll be using the red-tailed hawk, which is apparently the most common type of hawk in Hamilton. From what I read, red-tailed hawks don’t exist in groups, so Hamilton will be represented by just one.
Manhattan Rage: Rage is more of an emotion than a creature that fights, so looking at Manhattan’s logo I’m pretty sure that’s a bull. Google tells me that in the wild, cattle live in herds of around 30, but there is only one bull per herd. Let’s just say that Manhattan will be represented by 16 cattle.
Montreal Patriotes: In my quick Wikipedia research I learned a bit of Quebec’s history that I didn’t know, about the Patriote movement and the Lower Canada Rebellion in the 1830s. It’s a lot to write about here, so I’ll just say if you’re interested you should read about it. There were 4,100 Patriotes who fought in this movement. That’s a lot, so I’m gonna pull a number out and say that 410 Patriotes came out. This still seems like a lot but let’s remember that they’re armed with muskets and using 1830s battle tactics.
New England Wolfpack: This one would seem simple enough, although according to two seconds of research there aren’t really that many wolves in New England so that made choosing which species a little more complicated. I ended up going with eastern wolves since it seems like they’re the closest, and they live in packs of three to six. So five eastern wolves will be representing New England.
Philadelphia Forge: Now we come across our first team with no real physical embodiment that can fight. Sorry Philly, y’all are sitting this one out.
Tampa Bay Barracuda: Finally one that’s actually straightforward. According to Google, barracudas live alone, so Tampa Bay will be represented by just one.
Toronto North Stars: Another team with nothing that actually fights, sorry Toronto, you’re out too.
Calgary Dragons: Calgary’s logo depicts a European dragon, and according to folklore those were big old lizards who breathed fire and lived alone with shiny things under ground. Calgary will be represented by a single dragon.
Chicago Syndicate: Today I learned that the Al Capone’s crime family is still doing shady shit to this day, but when you think of the mafia you think of the prohibition-era guys. Wikipedia says that there are 30 members of the family, so 30 guys with tommy guns and fedoras will be representing Chicago.
Edmonton Blizzard: Similar to Manhattan, you can’t really fight a blizzard so for Edmonton we’ll look at their logo of what I think is an arctic wolf (could also be coyote or fox). Arctic wolves live in packs of four to seven, so six of them will represent Edmonton.
Los Angeles Panthers: According to Google, Panthers live alone, so LA will be represented by just one.
Minnesota Monarchs: Minnesota’s logo is a picture of a king, so that guy will be representing them in battle equipped with a sword, shield, and iron plate armour with chain mail.
New Orleans Specters: So I found out that a specter is just a fancy word for a ghost meaning that they’re already dead. Given this, it looks like the Specters will be spectators for this battle.
San Francisco Pride: Google tells me that the average pride includes 15 lions, so that is what San Francisco will have representing them.
Seattle Argonauts: In ancient Greece, the Argonauts were a group of 50 warriors who got on a boat and sailed off to all kinds of crazy adventures. These 50 warriors will represent Seattle, equipped with spears, shields, and bronze plate armour.
Texas Renegades: A renegade is a person who betrays or leaves their allegiance. Texas’ logo is also a cowboy. They will be represented by a single cowboy with a revolver.
Winnipeg Aurora: Closing us off, we’ve got another team that can sit in the stands.![[Image: Mat10Man.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/Mat10Man.gif)
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