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Caylon · 11-11-2022, 10:06 AM

So today I’ll be exploring the SMJHL draft in perhaps the least useful way possible. Going where no scouts dare venture, in the name of science! Well, not really. I’m just going to rate players out of 10 based on either their name, or what I know about the user. I’ll certainly miss some references and screw up rankings as a result. Feel free to yell at me about it below.

With that out of the way, let’s get going. I’ll be using the SHL Analytics S69 Draft class list in order of TPE. So if I miss someone it’s either because they weren’t on that list, or because I’m being blind.

John Hopoate (.simo) - Well, as a Swede I can’t say I’ve ever met someone named Hopoate as their surname. So I’ll have to possibly dock points for realism. But other than that, in sim league tradition it’s got the kind of surname that will make the draft stream completely shaft the pronunciation. Which is really the point at the end of the day. So with that in mind.

Rating: 6/10

Billy Herrington (Ferda) - What do you know, he’s got Herring in the name! So as a Swede I have to give at least some bonus points for his choice of a very elite fish to include in his name. But other than that it’s just a pretty normal sounding name. Nothing that really stands out in a crowd.

Rating: 5/10

Jølñgüštrâädæviñçh DuBølk (MCP_) - Umm, yeah. Just based on what this will do to the draft stream I think we’ll have to give it an auto 10. But then dock it one point for being a bit on the nose.

Rating: 9/10

Mr. Gray T White (iStegosaurus) - This seems like it’s probably some reference I’m not getting. So I’ll just give it a nice lukewarm rating.

Rating: 4/10

Tiberius Kane (PremierBromanov) - I never really got into the CnC games. So the name just doesn’t really do it for me. But I can still appreciate a good reference. So I’ll mark it up a bit.

Rating: 6/10

Bender Junior (Wally) - A nice strong BOT name, a great choice for renders and a reference to a player that’s a reference to a character (I assume at least) makes this a nice solid name. The hit pieces about how he’s playing like a BOT winger practically write themselves should he ever have a slump. A bold choice!

Rating: 7/10

Mushu The Dragon (Tonzy) - I think I watched maybe half of Mulan once when I was a kid. So again the reference is kinda lost on me. But it’s nice to have more dragons in hockey. I feel like they don’t get enough representation.

Rating: 6/10

Walter Ulrich (sharksisback) - If it’s a reference I’m missing it. Other than that, just a pretty normal name. Doesn’t really jump out at me.

Rating: 4/10

Ray Alexander (TheRoyalEmpoleon) - Sadly starting to sound like a broken record with another name that doesn’t stand out too much. But since it is a “double first name”-name of sorts that does give it some pizazz.

Rating: 5/10

Edouard Tremblay-Lafleur (python_starbuzz) - The user played for me in Vegas last season in the VHLM. Which does earn him a slightly higher grade due to blatant nepotism (deal with it). But he also has Tremblay as his surname which reminds me of the dark lord Simon Tremblay. Which docks him almost all those points (unlucky).

Rating: 5/10

Antoine Beauregard (Count Chocula) - Reasonable name, though for European reasons I’ll have to dock some points for excessive Frenchness. As you do.

Rating: 2/10

Walt “Clyde” Frazier (Slappydoodle) - Clyde reminds me of the Discord BOT that once failed to record a whole podcast for a good friend of mine in the VHL, which naturally means the name gets docked points. (Though still slightly fewer than the French)

Rating: 3/10

Hugh Manius (Bonk) - Sounds like a very big man, big men are useful in hockey. And they may even make you go “Bonk”. Overall this seems like a great fit for the user. I approve!

Rating: 9/10

Trevor Warner (Scp999v2) - Completely reasonable name, which is clearly an issue. But I’ll still reward it with the obligatory “reasonable name” rating.

Rating: 4/10

Noah Charlevoix (charlieconway) - Surname is a frenchified version of the username which is a good reference. Since the surname will be a pain for any non-francophone draft streamers. I’ll give it a pass and a slight markup for implementing the username in the player name in a dynamic way.

Rating: 7/10

Gritty McGritterson (JSS331) - A good strong alliteration McDavid-esque hockey name. I approve. Is it creative? No. Does it need to be? Also no! Good times!

Rating: 8/10

4 Chainz (Dewalt27) - We all know the power of 2Chainz. Now Imagine if you duplicated that power and ended up with 4 Chainz? The sky's the limit and I think this will be the name steal of the draft. Because reasons.

Rating: 4^2/10

Peter Sandstrom (Pifferfish) - Since the user was the AGM of the team that beat my team in the VHLM finals, I’ll have to dock points. Since it’s a Swedish name lacking the proper letters (Sandström) I’ll have to dock even more points. The final score won’t be pretty I’m afraid.

Rating: -156/10

Johnny Wagner-Svenson (AgentSmith630) - Any player that’s not assigned to a country and also belongs to Agent Smith is probably just here to try and kill Keanu Reeves, which is a bit of a douche move. Add in that his first name is Johnny, and he’s clearly after Johnny Silverhand in particular. Meaning we’re about to have a real buggy experience in the S69 draft class. Because of that I’ll give his player about the same rating most reviewers gave Cyberpunk 2077.

Rating: 1/10

Clint Clampton (HanTheMan_) - I mean at least his name is sort of an alliteration. But I also can't help but misread it as Clapton instead of Clampton. Which somewhat irks me, so I’ll dock one point for that.

Rating: 4/10

Luca Pane (Nictox) - Short and sweet name, if he ends up being a bruising player his last name does sound an awful lot like pain. So that works.

Rating: 6/10

Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz (Zerg) - Have fun fitting that on a Jersey, and trying to say it unless you’re excessively Polish. I approve of the pain and suffer you will exert on equipment managers and commentators alike.
Rating: 9/10

Georg N’Zola (retuperkele) - I feel like I know this name from somewhere, but I can’t place it. And I’ve banned myself from googling to catch references for this article. So I’ll just leave it at any N’Z name being funny in how depending on what country you’re from your approach to saying it is completely different, and usually the only way to get it right is by knowing what the ‘ is actually shortening. Seriously, who knew N’Zoth was “No-Zoth” until we were told? No one, that’s who. Cause we didn’t know the “o” was being ‘d out.

Rating: 7/10

Dusty Wilson (dustywilson22) - This is the name of his first player in literally every single league he’s in (which is most of them) presumably ‘cause it’s his actual name. So I respect it. Great guy, should be a good player. But I’ll still have to slap it with the “normal name” rating.

Rating: 4/10

Marc Gorman (Dreamdeath) - Tangentially part of the Achilles drama over in the VHL, but haven’t had any personal interactions with them. Same exact username and player name as in the VHL. So assume it’s another Dusty case of just using their real name. Which gets the standard “normal name” rating again.

Rating: 4/10

James Dion (Letherneckmike) - Reminds me of Celine Dion, so hopefully his career won’t go the way of the Titanic. Just a reasonable normal name overall though, but since it did make me go off on a random reference tangent for no reason I’ll arbitrarily give it +1 rating.

Rating: 5/10

Matthew LeClaire (Zap) - Another normal name, slightly too french. But then it also makes me think of John LeClair which is a good thing. So I’m torn. I’ll guess they cancel out and we go with the “normal name” rating once again.

Rating: 4/10

Damien Hirano (damienj10) - He’s bringing that glorious Nippon steel to the ice, and we’ll all tremble before him and hope he isn’t the protagonist of Tarantino’s new Ice Hockey flick. Because that would *really* suck for the rest of us. Unless we recreate as Samuel L Jackson on skates. Then we might be fine.

Rating: 7/10

James Lao (Russwall) - Nothing too out of the ordinary, though the surname I’m really not sure of the origins for? Either way it’s a user with “wall” in their name making a goalie. That’s good enough for at least +1, the name making me wonder gives it another +1, mostly ‘cause I’m getting bored of giving out 4s.

Rating: 6/10

Patricija Ozerova (Myspace) - Had a fair bit of interaction with Myspace since they are infiltrating the S68 Discord and joined the same conference as me in HN. Seems like a great person, and so I think I’m forced to mark up the name a bit. Also just another interesting name where I’m not entirely sure of the origins, so that works.

Rating: 7/10

Curtis Cile (Wally) - I’m not going to question why there are two Wally players in this list. That’s above my pay grade. But another alliteration style name depending on how the C in Cile is pronounced. I can dig it.

Rating: 5/10

Edward Flinders (Avakael) - Meh, Avakael is everywhere and I recognize the name from HD as well as HN from before I joined the SHL. So I guess he gets +1 from that, and the name is almost Flanders to that works for another +1 somehow.

Rating: 6/10

Rikaad Metzller (Lazyeye) - Apparently Swiss, name just gives me “my keys got stuck while trying to type Rikard Metzler” vibes though. So not sure how I feel about that, I think just based on it making me slightly uneasy I’ll drop it one from the “normal name” rating.

Rating: 3/10

Aurora Azjha (Aurora) - Reminds me of Sam Azjha, since it’s not exactly a common surname. So I know how to pronounce it, will the draft stream folks? Unlikely. Is that a reason to mark it up? Yes!

Rating: 7/10

FITTEDPRIMETIME99* CUDDLES (Fitted2106) - Elite name, what else is there to say, really?

Rating: 10/10

Durk Warrant (CaptainOrv) - I don’t know what a Durk is, or why there’s a warrant out on it. But I’m now invested.

Rating: 9/10

Happy Gilmore (LucidDreams702) - I mean we all know the reference, but when Angry Gilmore is already in the league. I feel like Happy Gilmore is just always going to be playing in his shadow.

Rating: 3/10

Jacob Fournier (Matty7478) - A very normal and reasonable name, all things considered. I used up all my French-bashing for the day. So he won’t get a minus for that either.

Rating: 4/10

Klaes Ashford (Leoben) - Another totally reasonable name, though knowing what Anglo commentators did to Claesson as a surname (Claes just being the alternate spelling of Klaes) I look forward to his name being absolutely butchered, and will rate it accordingly (the e is silent, it’s just Klás, unless he’s Danish then it’s <insert random danish sounds>).

Rating: 8/10

Wonada Jagrs (overdoo) - I mean it has Jagr in it. What else is there to say?

Rating: 68/10

Grimmjow Jaegerjequez (Samsung virtual assistant) - Did I go into a time machine and end up in a WoW server around 2010? With a name like this it’s more likely than you’d think! Because you see 90% of the WoW playerbase had at least one character named Grimmjow around that point in time. So based on that, I’ll have to rate this name accordingly.

Rating: 0/10

e e (GeckoeyGecko) - eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Good name, honestly.

Rating: 9/10

Trippy Volta (Tripl3tsGamer) - There seems to be a theme of Trip here, I can get behind that I suppose, but the question is just how much, really.

Rating: 6/10

Cole Dasice (Icebear32) - No idea how to say that last name properly, which as we all know is a great thing in sim leagues.

Rating: 7/10

Matt Ox (MattBake12) - Probably just his real name, which means it’s “normal name” rating time again *insert fog horns*

Rating: 4/10

David Doug (TheSparkyDee) - alliteration double first name gets it a +1 on the “normal name” rating. But that’s as far as I'm willing to go at this point.

Rating: 5/10

Oskar Scholz (karlssens) - I mean it’s a pretty normal name, and I don’t think the surname is enough to really trip up any commentators. So I’ll just leave it at yet another “normal name” rating. HYPE!

Rating: 4/10

Matthew McShane (tiggafy) - I first read this as Matthew McShame, which to me would have been a much funnier name. So just based on that I’ll mark it up by one arbitratily.

Rating: 5/10

Copernicus Doomslatter (trella) - Copernicus just decided to use what sounds like the name of the next Death metal band to have its singer canceled as his surname. I can respect that

Rating: 9/10

Petr Vrána (Randominoe) - Now that’s just another normal name, we know how that goes.

Rating: 4/10

Pork Tenderloin (Rankle) - Now under the assumption that Rankle actually properly brined that badboy and cooked it to an internal temp of 145. I’m more than willing to give it a solid 8/10. Though again the common typo “Pork Tenderlion” would have made it funnier. So I will have to dock a point for missed potential.

Rating: 7/10

Patrick Beaumont (Southie) - Normal name is, in fact, normal.

Rating: 4/10

Tobias Wrexks (Maxy) - My attempt at saying his last name just sounds like I’m having a seizure, which is a power move if I ever saw one.

Rating: 8/10

And that’s where the SHL analytics list of S69 players ends. I hope you somehow enjoyed this absolute gong show of a ranking of the names in this draft class. I was fun seeing some members I know, as well as a lot of ones I don’t and what silliness a fair portion of the draft class got up to with their names.

Preemptive sorry to the graders for trying to figure out what the word count of this monstrosity actually is. With how much of it that's basically just ratings and player names, which I assume don't really count?

Samsung virtual assistant · 11-11-2022, 11:14 AM

Ok

***Anthique*** · 11-11-2022, 11:23 AM

Man, so much disrespect for the french names... Not proud of you!

Caylon · 11-11-2022, 11:26 AM

11-11-2022, 11:23 AMAnthique Wrote: Man, so much disrespect for the french names... Not proud of you!

Well, Simon has that effect on people. You come into it with an open mind. Then all of a sudden you hear a French surname and you jump in fright.

trella · 11-11-2022, 01:39 PM

Thank you!

Thanks to @karey and @JSS for the sigs!

Former USA Fed Head, Carolina Kraken Co-GM, Tampa Bay Barracuda GM

damienj10 · 11-11-2022, 02:04 PM

Yo he went swinging bahahaha good stuff

***JKortesi81*** · 11-11-2022, 03:00 PM

@Slappydoodle - 3/10 for you, 9/10 for @Bonk.

I told you.

~~Zap~~ · 11-11-2022, 04:47 PM

"Matthew LeClaire (Zap) - Another normal name, slightly too french. But then it also makes me think of John LeClair which is a good thing. So I’m torn. I’ll guess they cancel out and we go with the “normal name” rating once again.

Rating: 4/10"

FALSE. As a real English Canadian this is an English name. In french my name would have been Matthieu LeClair. But as an english man, I made it the name english. My player is an english canadian with french roots of course. I should honestly get an extra point for translating it from french to english.

Maxy · 11-11-2022, 05:50 PM

Mines just an incredibly convoluted way of Wrecks. Tobias Wrecks. T-Rex Wink

MCP_ · 11-11-2022, 11:17 PM

give me my 10 you coward

Caylon · 11-12-2022, 08:02 AM

11-11-2022, 11:17 PMMCP_ Wrote: give me my 10 you coward

NO U!

Caylon · 11-12-2022, 08:03 AM

11-11-2022, 04:47 PMZap Wrote: "Matthew LeClaire (Zap) - Another normal name, slightly too french. But then it also makes me think of John LeClair which is a good thing. So I’m torn. I’ll guess they cancel out and we go with the “normal name” rating once again.

Rating: 4/10"

FALSE. As a real English Canadian this is an English name. In french my name would have been Matthieu LeClair. But as an english man, I made it the name english. My player is an english canadian with french roots of course. I should honestly get an extra point for translating it from french to english.

I did say "slightly" too French, not "entirely" too French. So I guess we're mostly in agreement considering the name that was entirely too French got a 2/10 and you got a 4/10. It seemed like a good compromise. Tongue