As a fun mid-season activity other than a power ranking or otherwise involved analysis, I have decided to rank my favorite names currently in the SMJHL. I will be breaking down my top name picks per team, and finalize with my favorite name in the whole league! Let's get started!

Anchorage Armada :

See, this was meant to be an actual analysis and reasoning for consideration of the names that I'm nominating up here, but of course we start off with Anchorage, who my favorite name needs only a one word reason to convince you - and that word is UBBA.

Favorite Name: Ubba Lodbruk

Honorable Mentions: Benny Hanna; Barg Hazbite


Carolina Kraken :

The second team alphabetically, and I had two really strong contenders for this one - Walter Melon and Sith Happens. All in all, although both are top tier names, I had to choose the name that made me laugh every time I tried saying it out loud. Cmon, try it! It rolls off the tongue so well!

Favorite Name: Walter Melon

Honorable Mentions: Sith Happens; Lazer Gato


Colorado Raptors :

For the Raptors, I went with the recency bias and chose the topical name of the moment. It can be used both as a thing "the Update Portal" AND a verb "Update Portal please :("

Favorite Name: Update Portal

Honorable Mentions: Peter Lasma (P. Lasma, get it?); Oranj Konhe



Detroit Falcons :

I may regret this decision for the Falcons, but only because I have to do so much more work to put this name into this article. First of all, I had to click through to the player name on the index because it was TOO LONG TO SHOW THE WHOLE THING! Second of all, my CTRL key is currently broken, so I had to TYPE OUT THE WHOLE THING MULTIPLE TIMES. This definitely added 20 minutes by itself However, I appreciate the pain and suffering that this name has likely caused on any broadcast where the announcer had to announce this name, so it is my top pick for this team. Try saying it five times fast, it is Mephistopheles Morgonstjarna!

Favorite Name: Mephistopheles Morgonstjarna (I hope I spelled it right)

Honorable Mentions: Kenny Omega; The (Ohio State University) Murray



Great Falls Grizzlies :

For the Grizzlies, I am going for the most unique name, and what is more unique than the only name (as far as I am aware of) that incorporates numbers in their name? That's right, this posthumous award goes to RIP THUNDERDOME 2013-2023.

Favorite Name: RIP THUNDERDOME 2013-2023

Honorable Mentions: Poiklm; John Peanut



Kelowna Knights :

My choice for Kelowna's nominee perfectly uses a dual hyphenated last name to make a believable real world name that is just straight up funny. Believe it or not - Kelowna's nominee is none other than Ho Lee-Smokes!

Favorite Name: Ho Lee-Smokes

Honorable Mentions: Activity Check; Pablo IceCreamBar



Maine Timber :

Sorry everyone - this one is just a personal bias of mine, as it is the name of my favorite pitcher in the MLB - Logan Webb. May he please stay with the Giants forever and bring us some World Series soon!

Favorite Name: Logan Webb

Honorable Mentions: Buster Knutt; Shootin Blanks (please tell me these two play on the same line)



Nevada Battleborn :

I wish I could say who my favorite name for the Battleborn is, but sadly I can't. I'm honestly too afraid to do so, so you all will just have to guess...

Favorite Name: Unspeakable Horror

Honorable Mentions: I-Stir MyPudding; Just Perfection



Newfoundland Berserkers :

Why am I writing this section so late at night? All the names on this team are doing is making me super hungry. I have to go with my favorite breakfast food on this one, which I might just stop by McDonald's (not an ad) in the morning to grab a "Mac Griddle".

Favorite Name: Mac Griddle

Honorable Mentions: Sad Ketchup; Sabage Cabage



Quebec City Citadelles :


God I love this meme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qgxAHW1w78

Favorite Name: Lean On (Coconut Mall)

Honorable Mentions: Juan Tymer; Shawn Pawn



Regina Elk :

The cutest name in the league, one of the most adorable animals in the world, the winner for Regina is the Red Panda! Everyone should also watch Turning Red, it is a great movie!

Favorite Name: Red Panda

Honorable Mentions: Future Considerations; Guy Incognito



St. Louis Scarecrows :

Although i'm a fairly unserious person, sometimes I need to be professional at work and online. Therefore, I would be amiss if I didn't nominate the most professional name in the SMJHL - Mr. Plow. You WILL refer to him as Mr. Plow only (never on a first name basis), or you WILL suffer the consequences.

Favorite Name: Mr. Plow

Honorable Mentions:Dee Fence; Average Dude



Vancouver Whalers :

Lily Jin Morrow, next.


Just kidding, I can't nominate myself - that would be too easy! I am instead going to nominate my teammate GM's Son. There is no wonder why GM's son is being picked for this nomination. His dad threatened me that he was going to switch my player to goalie and tank the team so we will lose every game as long as my player stays in this league. He will blacklist me and make every day of my life a living hell. So I obviously had no choice but to put his son up in this article so I didn't get punished. GM's Son is one of the most unique names in the entire league. His sequence of three letters followed by three letters is perfect symmetry, only disrupted by a creative apostrophe, which adds a certain imbalance to the balance, a push and pull, truly making a work of art in the typography witnessed every time his name is written. Truly no other name can compare.

Favorite Name: GM's Son

Honorable Mentions: Inactive Forever; Bob Wehadababyitsaboy



Yukon Malamutes :

Last but not least, we come to the Yukon Malamutes. I have to go with a play on a character from my favorite childhood TV Show Spongebob Squarepants - Squidwardo Tentacles.

Favorite Name: Squidwardo Tennisballs

Honorable Mentions: Furious Chicken; Fred Bread


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And now finally, since we have gone through all fourteen teams, it is time to announce my favorite three names in the SMJHL.


In Third Place, my third favorite name is: GM's Son (sorry I was forced to put him in the top three, I should have read my contract closer, sorry Ubba)


In Second Place, my second favorite name is: Ho Lee-Smokes


In First Place, and having the coveted title of "Best Name in the SMJHL", is none other than: WALTER MELON!


I hope everyone enjoyed this little write up, but your work in reading this article is not done! I want to know what YOUR favorite name is in the SMJHL! Please feel free to vote on the attached poll with your favorite, or leave it in the comments if I have sadly not included it! Tell me how wrong I might be! (but please keep it civil my emotions are very fragile)

Thanks again for spending your time reading this garbage plate of an article - and GO VANCOUVER BABY  

Shiamus, signing off!

No respect for the Hillbilly... It's all good though, GFG's just gonna have to go win the cup.

WALTERRRRRRR MELONNNNNNNN 12/10 name. 13/10 player

Betzee Nickelback | C | Carolina | Manhattan | Great Britain | S72 - | 1092 TPE

Height: 6'5

Weight: 245 lbs

Number: 22

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(S72) Drafted 18th Overall by the Carolina Kraken

(S73) Drafted 2nd Overall by the Manhattan Rage

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Career Highlights

S73 - CAR - Named Alternate Captain

S73 - SMJHL - All-Star Team

S73 - CAR - Slothface Leadership Award

S73 - CAR - Jordan Nugent Hall Award (Most Dedicated Player) 

S73 - CAR - Kurtis Hunter Award (Team's Choice MVP 

S73 - SMJHL - Zach Miller Award Winner (Most Dedicated User) 

S73 - SHL - Damian Littleton Award Winner (Most Dedicated User) 

S74 - CAR - Named Alternate Captain 

S74 - SMJHL - All-Star Team 

S75 - CAR - Named Captain 

 

Pour one out

Thanks to @karey and @JSS for the sigs!

Teddy Cuddles  |  RW  | Edmonton Blizzard | Hall of Fame
Player Type : Two Way Forward
Height: 6'5" | Weight: 220 lbs | Age: 19
Number: 79
Birthplace: Providence, Rhode Island, USA
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Regular Season Stats :
S35 | STL | GP:28 | G:2 | A:1 | P:3 | PIMs:5 | HIT:7 | Shots:25 | +/-:-4
S36 | STL | GP:50 | G:10 | A:10 | P:20 | PIMs:5 | HIT:97 | Shots:88 | +/-:-1
S37 | STL | GP:50 | G:13 | A:27 | P:40 | PIMs:56 | HIT:120| Shots:146 | +/-:+10
S38 | EDM | GP:50 | G:6 | A:7 | P:13 | PIMs:62 | HIT:114 | Shots:83 | +/-:-18
S39 | EDM | GP:50 | G:7 | A:15 | P:22 | PIMs:36 | HIT:161 | Shots:78 | +/-:-10
S40 | EDM | GP:50 | G:13 | A:29 | P:42 | PIMs:46 | HIT:197 | Shots:109 | +/-:+7
S41 | EDM | GP:50 | G:17 | A:17 | P:34 | PIMs:49 | HIT:143 | Shots:121 | +/-:-4
S42 | EDM | GP:50 | G:17 | A:24 | P:41 | PIMs:52 | HIT:135 | Shots:132 | +/-:+9
S43 | EDM | GP:50 | G:14 | A:23 | P:37 | PIMs:24 | HIT:121 | Shots:121 | +/-:-2
S44 | EDM | GP:50 | G:21 | A:32 | P:53 | PIMs:28 | HIT:131 | Shots:214 | +/-:+19
S45 | EDM | GP:50 | G:13 | A:24 | P:37 | PIMs:51 | HIT:170 | Shots:185 | +/-:+9
S46 | EDM | GP:50 | G:29 | A:31 | P:60 | PIMs:53 | HIT:152 | Shots:195 | +/-:+9
S47 | EDM | GP:50 | G:17 | A:33 | P:50 | PIMs:46 | HIT:182 | Shots:199 | +/-:+8
S48 | EDM | GP:50 | G:22 | A:23 | P:45 | PIMs:26 | HIT:182 | Shots:210 | +/-:+7
S49 | EDM | GP:50 | G:20 | A:25 | P:45 | PIMs:36 | HIT:149 | Shots:208 | +/-:+1
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Post Season Stats :
S35 | STL | GP:7 | G:0 | A:0 | P:0 | PIMs:0 | HIT:2 | Shots:4 | +/-:+1
S36 | STL | GP:6 | G:1 | A:1 | P:2 | PIMs:7 | HIT:14 | Shots:12 | +/-:+3
S37 | STL | GP:13 | G:4 | A:5 | P:9 | PIMs:26 | HIT:26 | Shots:30 | +/-:+7
S38 | EDM | Did not qualify
S39 | EDM | GP:7 | G:3 | A:3 | P:6 | PIMs:4 | HIT:18 | Shots:10 | +/-:+1
S40 | EDM | GP:7 | G:1 | A:6 | P:7 | PIMs:4 | HIT:33 | Shots:15 | +/-:+2
S41 | EDM | GP:7 | G:2 | A:3 | P:5 | PIMs:12 | HIT:15 | Shots:15 | +/-:+1
S42 | EDM | GP:11 | G:5 | A:8 | P:13 | PIMs:10 | HIT:25 | Shots:38 | +/-:+1
S43 | EDM | Did not Qualify
S44 | EDM | GP:11 | G:4 | A:7 | P:11 | PIMs:12 | HIT:31 | Shots:42 | +/-:+3
S45 | EDM | GP:18 | G:7 | A:11 | P:18 | PIMs:24 | HIT:56 | Shots:68 | +/-:+8
S46 | EDM | GP:4 | G:0 | A:0 | P:0 | PIMs:2 | HIT:9 | Shots:11 | +/-:-5
S47 | EDM | GP:6 | G:3 | A:2 | P:5 | PIMs:6 | HIT:24 | Shots:25 | +/-:+2
S48 | EDM | GP:5 | G:2 | A:2 | P:4 | PIMs:0 | HIT:11 | Shots:19 | +/-:0
S49 | EDM | GP:23 | G:7 | A:17 | P:24 | PIMs:18 | HIT:76 | Shots:89 | +/-:-2
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Awards and Achievements:
S37 | STL Kanye Summers Award for Regular Season Team MVP
S37 | STL Bradley Wingels Award for Best Forward
S40 | Gold Medal Winner
S40 | Aidan Richan Trophy Winner
S44 | Became 4th player in Edmonton Blizzard History to reach 1000 Hits
S45 | Challenge Cup Champion
S45 | Anton Razov Trophy for Playoff MVP
S45 | Silver Medal Winner
S46 | 1st Team All Star
S46 | Sarmad Kahn Nominee
S46 | Jef Darr Nominee
S47 | Jef Darr Nominee
S49 | Challenge Cup Champion
S49 | Anton Razov Nominee
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Draft/Signing/Trade History:
S35 | Signed to STL
S36 | Drafted to Calgary 26th overall
S36 | Traded to Edmonton


Ambacas “Femboy Hooters” Cuddles | D | Tampa Bay Barracuda

Former USA Fed Head, Carolina Kraken Co-GM, Tampa Bay Barracuda GM

Without any bias, Lily Jin Morrow wins it for me

Thank you to @Revontulete for the sig!