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Thelastheraclid · 03-25-2024, 10:27 AM

The only thing spookier than gazing into the infinite anagram abyss to decipher the futures of young talent selected by the fine organizations of the SHL is the ever-dwindling amount of money in my bank account. Partly for my own self-interest and partly to show general managers the limitless possibilities, I have come out of retirement to once again commune with the spirits, decipher their riddles, and share the potential outcomes of those now officially on SHL teams.

First, let us see what the spirits have to say about the location of this year’s draft, Zojirushi Headquarters. Apparently, the spirits are not fans of the fine products and or services of the Zojirushi company combined with the tight lipped nature of an SHL draft, referring to the location as “A drearier shh quiz joust.” Shh quiz joust clearly refers to the constant battle between teams and the media to limit leaks about their draft strategy from reaching other teams or spreading through the sports news networks. Osaka is apparently a boring setting for such a momentous time in the lives of these fine young hockey players. Perhaps they feel the bright lights of Tokyo are better suited for the draft.

The anagram apparitions want to share their thoughts on the ever important first round. This is of course where teams “find or rust.” Should a team fumble in the first round they could be set upon a trail of woe and flounder in the regular season for years to come.

Round 1 Pick 1 - Jamie Fraser
The spirits feel that this first overall pick is going to be an exceptionally popular player in Montreal “Fame jar rise.” Generally speaking first overall picks are renowned for their top tier talent but from what I am being told from the other side, it is Fraser’s grit and fire on display while playing that will make them loved among the Patriotes fan base “jams are fire.” The Patriotes may want to make sure that they keep Fraser happy though. There is some worry among my spiritual informers thay Fraser may leave once free agency hits later on in their career “FA arm jeers I.” Keep Fraser happy and Montreal should enjoy a long and strong career from the first overall pick.

Round 1 Pick 2 - Alexa Johansen
The spirits are sending me a red flag right off the bat with “Nasal jean he ox.” Perhaps heading to the Blizzard is almost poetic based off of this warning of Johansen turning to the nose candy at some point in their career. I suppose there is not much to do up in the frozen north of Edmonton but Blizzard management should keep Johansen’s extracurriculars in mind moving forward. Johansen may also have some other more serious legal problems “Jeans axe la hon.” Maybe there is going to be a Shining type situation once the weather gets really bad up there. The spirits do want to add at least one positive prediction for Johansen, they will apparently be very beneficial for a Blizzard fan named Jean, “heals Jean Axon.” Keep a short leash on Johansen and they will grow into a key part of the Blizzard. If management can not do that, then we may have a drug fueled axe murder spree in Edmonton.

Round 1 Pick 3 - Anna Skovgaard
With the third pick, the Calgary Dragons selected Skovgaard who seems to have been born to be on this team “A dragon ska van.” While I have not done enough research to find out the music choices of Skovgaard, if they throw down to some Specials or Less Than Jake then it is true destiny. The ones beyond also seem to think Skovgaard is a solid person (we knew that already because ska rules) with “dank as nova rag.” I never would have guessed that the spirits would be so up to date with the lingo but they apparently think AS is going to be the coolest thing since sliced bread. Finally, I believe AS is going to gain a following so strong that it will border on the religious “an ark as god van.” The city of Calgary could lose their minds for the young Skovgaard. Solid choice, Calgary!

Round 1 Pick 4 - Ylib Kove
The Manhattan Rage picked Ylib Kove with the fourth overall pick and the spirits have very little to say about them. Once again, management may want to keep an eye on Kove and their associates because of “bevy kilo.” The anagram apparitions could mean one of two things. The less serious understanding is that Kove is going to have problems staying in peak physical condition. New York City has a lot of world class dining options, so keep an eye on what they are eating. The more serious understanding is that Kove is going to get into the nose candy to a great extent. At least that would help keep the pounds off. Either way the Rage should hire a private investigator just to keep an eye on Kove. Be careful!

Round 1 Pick 5 - Stavros Kondos
I am coming across a theme for the draft class of season 76 - absolute party monsters. Kids these days are getting wilder and wilder I suppose but Seattle has another player that should probably be kept on a short leash “vodka snort SOS.” Of all the warnings from beyond so far, this has to be the most blatant. Kondos may have some problems with their newly found fame and wealth. This could end up being a well-known problem around town “soon ass dork TV.” Maybe this last prophecy means that Kondos starts a Dungeons and Dragons web show and gains popularity among the dorks (term used lovingly). Keep the liquor cabinet locked and dice on the table, and Seattle has a home run of a pick.

Round 1 Pick 6 - Jennifer Huh
The Calgary Dragons selected Huh with the sixth overall pick, and although the spirits are fairly quiet on Huh, they will have a truly unbelievable event occur in their career “huh free jinn.” Huh is somehow going to free jinn, or genie, from its eternal imprisonment. Hopefully this will be an Aladdin like situation and Huh learns a valuable lesson and gains a powerful ally that can help the Dragons speed up their rebuild and turn into a contender quickly. Of course, it is possible that the spirits just want to say that Huh’s career is going to be filled with magical moments, but that is a much more boring prediction.

Round 1 Pick 7 - Max Belcher
With the seventh overall pick, the Chicago Syndicate selected Max Belcher. The spirits start by sharing that while Belcher was a big anime fan in the past, that is no longer the case “Mr ex bleach.” This could be a good sign because, as those of us who have been sucked in by a never ending anime already know, Chicago will not have to worry about Belcher missing practice to watch the newest episode of some random Japanese cartoon. Belcher was apparently a bit of a wild child but the spirits finally believe that one of these young stars is going to be getting clean “Ex calm herb.” While other teams will have their hands full with young stars and potential drug problems, Chicago is going to be developing someone who has their eyes on the prize.

Round 1 Pick 8 - Jim Wieners
Jim Wieners headed to the Montreal Patriotes with the eighth pick. The voices do not seem to be fans of Wieners. They are telling me that the Patriote faithful are going to turn on Wieners quickly “Im win jeers.” Now, I do want to be perfectly clear. The spirits have been wrong plenty of times and they do speak of definite futures. If Wieners can focus on their game and keep their nose clean this is a future that probably will not come to be.

Round 1 Pick 9 - James Howlett
With their third and final pick in the first round, the Dragons selected James Howlett at ninth overall. Howlett is going to be a total beast on the road in the western conference “west hotel jam.” Howlett is going to be a key piece in the success of Calgary on the road. Howlett also has the potential to score quite a few hat tricks “most hat jewel.” With both of these whispers it seems clear that the spirits are very high on James Howlett.

Round 1 Pick 10 - Nathangus McExplosion
With the tenth overall pick, Nathangus McExplosion was selected by the Atlanta Inferno. McExplosion needs to keep out of dangerous situations in the SHL. If they do not protect themselves, it might end their career early “a enchanting ox lump SOS.” Watch out for getting that face broken in a fight. McExplosion will become popular in Atlanta but the spirits seem to believe that a very specific subset of the Mexican population is going to be against him “Mexican goths a nonplus.” I am not sure how many goths are in Mexico exactly but it cannot be a small number. Perhaps it is good that the J did not expand into Mexico.

Round 1 Pick 11 - Saava Kirik
The New Orleans Specters selected Saava Kirik with the eleventh overall pick and the spirits do not have much to say. The only thing that seems clear to me is that Kirik is not going to get along with the media down in New Orleans “irk via a ask.” Kirik is going to have a short fuse with any member of the media and it could turn into a Draisaitl type situation. New Orleans management should probably set them up with some media training before Kirik gets called up to the big team.

Round 1 Pick 12 - Deth Klaw
With the twelfth overall pick and their third of the first round the Montreal Patriotes selected menace of the wastelands Deth Klaw. The anagrams from beyond have only one things to say about Deth Klaw “tad whelk.” So, the spirits are saying he is a bit of a mollusk, but what does that mean? Do they mean that although they have a fierce name they are going to hide in a shell whenever they get into danger on the ice? If so, then it may be hard for Klaw to build a strong fan base in Montreal.

Round 1 Pick 13 - Matviy Cajabi
With Edmonton’s second of five picks in the first round, the Blizzard selected Matviy Cajabi. It looks like Edmonton is going to have a serious problem with Cajabi’s stance on modern medicine “a jab victim ya.” It sure seems like Cajabi is going to be an Aaron Rodgers type of personality in Edmonton. If Cajabi can play well, most will probably look beyond their personal beliefs, but it would probably be for the best if Edmonton management kept Cajabi off of Pat McAfee’s TV show.

Round 1 Pick 14 - Robo Sven
Robo Sven was selected fourteenth overall by the Hamilton Steelhawks. Sven is going to be the final piece in creating a tight knit locker room in Hamilton “bro ovens.” This is going to lead to the Steelhawks getting stronger and stronger and making further pushes into the postseason “revs boon.” Sven is definitely a good pick for the Steelhawks.

Round 1 Pick 15 - Kristians Mikelis
With their second pick in the first round, the Argonauts selected Kristians Mikelis. Mikelis is going to be well respected around the league for their smile “I saintlike smirks.” Mikelis seems to be one of those players that many around the league will like based on their personality alone. Seattle management will probably want to keep an eye on how much Mikelis has to drink “kiss like martinis.” It would be a shame for a young player to have their career ruined because of too many martinis.

Round 1 Pick 16 - FORFEIT
Offer it

Round 1 Pick 17 - MattyJ
It is hard to believe but the spirits finally have nothing to share about a pick. The Blizzard took MattyJ seventeenth overall and their future is completely unwritten. Best of luck to you!

Round 1 Pick 18 - Mark "The Tater Tot" Jagerson
The Philadelphia Forge selected Jagerson with the eighteenth overall pick and the spirits do not seem to care for the son of the Tater “a regatta jerk rotten moths.” That seems a bit extreme for such a young player but I merely channel the spirits, I cannot control what they share. There is at least one whisper from the other side that says something positive about Jagerson “a karate strength jet motor.” Jagerson could be a force to be reckoned with on the Forge; anything with karate strength is sure to be a fan favorite.

Round 1 Pick 19 - Brayden Point
The Tampa Bay Barracuda took Brayden Point with the nineteenth pick overall. Point may be a bit insufferable with their unimpressive writing that they force on others in the locker room “bad poetry inn.” The Barracuda faithful might not be big fans of Point either “banned or pity.” Hopefully, the fans only pity Point rather than ban him from the city outright. Keep your chin up, Brayden.

Round 1 Pick 20 - Thomas Hudson
With the final pick of the first round, the Edmonton Blizzard took Thomas Hudson. Like some of the other young players taken in the first round, Hudson could prove to be a headache for the Edmonton front office “hand mouth SOS.” This could be referring to Hudson getting seriously injured in a fight or getting canceled for a poor choice of words. Hudson’s personal life may bleed into their on ice play “mad hons shout.” If Hudson’s significant others start causing scenes at the rink, it might pull the whole team down. Another player to watch closely to keep on the right track.

(2314 words)

*ZootTX* · 03-25-2024, 12:14 PM

Tad Whelk is my OnlyKlaws account
I've been outed

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