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Jala · 07-06-2015, 09:53 PM

You can do either the Written PT or the Graphics PT - you cannot do both.

[The Setup]
Not everyone is lucky enough to be a pro hockey player in one of the best leagues in the world, so you and your team are going to host an event to help out the less fortunate. Do you run a food drive, help out terminally ill children or some other charity?

[Your Task]
Describe the event you and your team will host. Explain what you would be doing and who you would helping.

[Gain]
1 Capped TPE for each 100 words, up to a max of 5 Capped TPE.

Remember, the PT cap for the season is 30.
*Only S25 SHL Draftees are able to do these*

[Deadline]
July 12th, 11:59 PM EST

NO PLACEHOLDERS

[Claim List]
BeanSobie - 5 capped
carousel182 - 5 capped
Rich701 - 5 capped (This was hilarious, I loved every minute)
Eggy216 - 5 capped
TML99 - 5 capped
martyrpayens - 5 capped
GreatOneHimself - 5 capped
Jesster - 5 Capped
Ghostspeed - 5 Capped
gseefeldt89 - 5 Capped
Alucard - 5 Capped
Winter is Coming - 5 Capped
deknegt - 5 Capped
Baelor Swift - 5 Capped
enigmatic - 5 Capped
Cynthia - 5 Capped
Voyagaming - 5 Capped (This got weird lol)
GrapeJuice72 - 5 Capped
stevo - 5 Capped
philthethrill81 - 5 Capped

BeanSnoodie · 07-07-2015, 02:20 AM

FIREBIRDS CELEBRATE AUTISTIC PRIDE DAY
June 17

PRINCE GEORGE, BC-
Tomorrow marks an annual holiday in the autistic community, Autistic Pride Day. For many organizations this means that tomorrow will be just another day, but not for the Prince George Firebirds. The Firebirds family gladly invites any and all members of the Prince George community to come to the rink tomorrow and continue supporting the autistic community in our area. The event itself will consist of activities for all age groups, as well as meet and greets with the entire Firebirds roster, and a mites-on-ice scrimmage between two teams (with each team featuring at least one player on the autistic spectrum).

While the Firebirds franchise may be trying to escape a lot of the reputation it built before the relocation, there is at least one positive it is bringing back from Regina. Last season the Regina Force decided to Light It Up Blue to raise autism awareness in the community. Led by rookie defender, Patrick Brumm, who had started the movement in the SMJHL while still just a prospect out of San Jose. With the relocation to Prince George this season the blue lights did not follow, but the message and spirit were still there.

This season Brumm passed the torch on to a new rookie, Travis Kudleychuk. At every Prince George home game a small section of seats a little off center ice were blocked off for ASBC (officially Autism Society of British Columbia, but a large banner hanging below the seats reads “Awesome Sauce Boys (and Girls) Club”. Under Kudleychuk’s, or Kuddles as the kids from the ‘Awesome Sauce Club’ like to call him, leadership the organization has really made itself known for its acceptance and openness.

While setting up for tomorrow’s festivities Kuddles generously took the time to speak with us about what called him to orchestrating this event, and his philosophy regarding autism.

“When I was young I moved around a lot because my dad was in the military. When we were in Halifax one year I got to know a kid my age who has autism, Kevin. Kevin was a year younger than me, and I wasn’t that old, maybe 6 or 7, and my dad always told me that I had to be extra nice to Kevin and if I ever saw him struggling with something I should always help him out. A lot of kids bullied him, and I never liked that, but whenever I tried to help him with something it was always kind of weird because he knew that I was only doing it because I was told to. Eventually his parents talked to my dad about it and I was told after that to just leave Kevin alone. That was my first experience with autism, and while it was not a good look on my part the worst thing is that that is pretty much the average experience.

“When I got older and started really getting into hockey I had a teammate whose little brother was also on the spectrum. One day when we were hanging out at his house we decided to go play a pick-up game of street hockey and my teammate ran to his brother’s room and told him to go grab his goalie pads. I was shocked, I said to him ‘your AUTISTIC brother likes hockey?’ I thought it was groundbreaking stuff, and he just gives me this look that put me right down. I’m not going to say that that was an a-ha moment for me, but it definitely was the start of me realizing what is so wrong with the way I had been treating people with autism up to that point. I shouldn’t have felt pity for Kevin growing up, and I really shouldn’t have just started to ignore him. I shouldn’t have treated him any differently than I treated anyone else.

“The term is Neurodiversity, and it is not as complex as it sounds. People are different, just look at the Firebirds. I’m German. Luke and Brummer are American. We got Swedes. French-Canadians. Athiests. Christians. Guys. And, Girls. Heck, Sparks Lightning is an alien and we honest to God don’t treat him any different than we treat Scuds, or Mario, or Cynthia. That is what this event is about, we aren’t raising money to find a cure, we are showing each other that if you stop judging someone before getting to know them you can see just how awesome they are.”

When asked about what happened to his childhood acquaintance, Kevin, Travis broke into a big smile and called over a rather tall sandy haired teenager. “Travis came to a ASBC meeting with my friend Patrick Brumm three months ago and I recognized him when I saw him walk in. We've known each other since we both lived in Nova Scotia, now we are both here in British Columbia and we have become really good friends.” Kudleychuk proudly admits that the Firebirds having a festival for Autistic Pride Day was entirely Kevin’s idea, while Kevin turned red at the suggestion and immediately turned it around on his old friend.

Whoevers idea it was, it is guaranteed to be a fun time for all. The event will start at 10 AM and last until 6PM. Puckdrop for the Mites Game will be at 3:15, with Kudleychuk and Brumm helping coach the opposing teams. There will be no charge for admission, while all money from food and refreshments going directly to the Autism Society of British Columbia… okay, okay, the Awesome Sauce Boys (and Girls) Club.

Quote:Word Count: 918

carousel182 · 07-07-2015, 08:42 AM

We rookies donâ€™t have a lot of experience with doing charity work coming into the SMJHL, with this being the first time for most of us being role models for a community. I always thought it would be really cool to use my position as a professional hockey player to help make other peopleâ€™s lives better, even if it was just for a day. So when I heard about the charity even that the Falcons were organizing this season, I jumped on the opportunity to help out.

With the cost of entering hockey so high, it is hard for some families to be able to afford sending their kids into it. With many of these kids obsessed with the Detroit Falcons, and wanting to lay out checks like Brandon Girard or score goals like Alex Mack, this can be pretty crushing to their spirit. So in order to counter this, the Detroit Falcons decided on having a free learn to play hockey day, with the Falcons coaches and players acting as teachers. Full equipment will be provided to the kids, and they will be able to take all of it home after the day is over. The Falcons will also be sponsoring the inaugural Detroit Falcons Minor Hockey League, with all costs for joining and playing covered by the team. This way these kids will finally have an opportunity to live out their dreams on the ice.

The day came with many other guys on the team excited to teach these kids how to play hockey. We all waited out on the ice for the kids to come out, with each one face planting as they tried to get through the door onto the ice. â€œThis is going to be a long dayâ€ I thought to myself as I skated to help the kids get up. However, these kids were quick learners. Next thing I knew, they were doing full laps around the ice without falling, or needing any of us to help them out. Now that they had skating down, it was time to teach them basic hockey skills. Me and Alex Mack ran the passing exercises, getting the kids to pass the puck to each other across the ice. Brandon Girard ran his own fighting exercises, showing the kids how to go full Girard, and fight like pros. Lemieux and Bowden took the prospective goaltenders and started teaching them positioning, and began shooting (very weak) pucks at the kids. The smile on each kids face was incredible. They were finally out on the ice playing hockey, and being taught by some of their Detroit Falcon heroes. It was truly like a dream come true.

The day came to a close with a scrimmage between the kids. It was pretty funny watching a huge group of kids chasing the puck up and down the ice. They will learn positioning with time. As the kids were leaving the ice, we made a line and made sure everyone got a high five. Some of us Falcons will be guest coaching in the Detroit Falcons Minor Hockey League when we can, so we will see some of these kids again. Overall it was a pretty great day, and I canâ€™t wait for the next opportunity like this.

(545 Words)

**Rich** · 07-07-2015, 09:27 AM

The Kelowna Knights held a charity even last week. At captain Randy Randlemanâ€™s insistence, it was a charity lacrosse match, in support of cancer research. Randleman assembled a lacrosse team consisting of his Kelowna teammates, Adam Abodobe, Reginald Howard, Tom Berkis, Ivar Ogorodnikov, Richard Dâ€™amour, Hugh Johnson, Tony Flow, Jonathan Lundberg, and Igor Ogorodnikov as their goalie.

â€œI chose my team solely on their ability to hit,â€ Randleman said, when asked about his team. â€œI will score the goals, all they need to do is stay out of my way, and maybe occasionally lay someone out. Iâ€™ll probably be doing most of that too, though. Because, you know, I was drafted to play lacrosse professionally. I donâ€™t know If you knew that or not, but I was.â€

The other team consisted of cancer patients from the experimental treatment program that will be receiving the funds generated by this charity event.

â€œBecause, obviously they have to play,â€ Randleman said, when asked about why the patients would make up the opposing team. â€œIf they want help, theyâ€™ll have to earn it on the field. I wasnâ€™t the most recruited lacrosse player in America because I had cancer! Would John Hopkins University have offered me a scholarship if I hadnâ€™t earned it? No, so they play. Thatâ€™s your answer.â€

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The game was as one sided as you might expect. Randleman singlehandedly trounced the team of frail cancer patients, while the rest of the Knights stood around awkwardly. The repeated shouts of â€œWooooâ€ from Randleman was just about the only sound that could be heard on the field, other than the thump that was made whenever he ran over one of the cancer patients. By halftime, Randleman had scored somewhere in the area of 30 goals. The count wasnâ€™t clear, because the referee had given up and walked off just 10 minutes into the match.

[Image: tumblr_lrypvmF8ke1qfu47lo4_250.gif]

[Image: tumblr_lrypvmF8ke1qfu47lo4_250.gif]

The second half started, but Randleman wasnâ€™t on the field. Shortly thereafter, the remaining Knights walked off the field, and the cancer patients, or what was left of them, were declared the winners by forfeit.

We caught up with the Knightsâ€™ captain at the after party, which featured dinner, drinks, and a live performance from none other than Kenny Loggins.

â€œYeah, I got bored,â€ Randleman said. â€œThat wasnâ€™t a game, they werenâ€™t even trying. Donâ€™t get me wrong, I love winning, even against a team as sorry as them. But really, I wanted to get this after party started early. How often do you get to see a living legend like Kenny Loggins live?â€

He wasnâ€™t wrong, Kenny Loggins put on a fantastic performance. He received multiple standing ovations, again, because Randleman insisted on it.

We got one final word from Randleman as the night was winding down.

[Image: drinking-moonshine.gif]

â€œIs Kenny Loggins not the greatest?! That was a rhetorical question. Of course he is.â€

At this point, Randleman got distracted by a nearby female guest of the event.

â€œHey babe, have I ever told you about the time I beat cancer?â€

And with that, Randleman disappeared for the rest of the evening. The event was what some might call a success. None of the cancer patients sustained major injuries, and after the cost of the after party, the Knights raised $200 for cancer research.

[544 words]

Eggy216 · 07-07-2015, 09:44 AM

Detroit Falcons first annual auction to benefit March of Dimes

The Detroit Falcons have this year decided to auction off various items belonging to the players in order to benefit the March of Dimes! Coach Tommy Creller has decided to be the auctioneer tonight. Let's take a look and see how things are going, shall we?

"Ladies and gentlemen, our first item up for bid tonight is the stick used by Bjorn Knutsen when he scored his first hat trick of the season!" Knutsen walked out on to the stage carrying his stick, and held it up high for all to see. "This is the stick the current goals leader used to score not one, not two, but three goals to help propel the Falcons into the first place position they are in today!" Bidding proceeded, and the stick went for $400 to a long-time Falcons' season ticket owner.

"The second item we have tonight is from defenseman Jasper Clayton! He has decided to donate his tea set, straight from England!" Clayton walked out, rolling a table in front of him that was set for tea time. "This authentic tea set is perfect for tea with your family, or an evening with the queen! This set is guaranteed to be super British. Whether you want to use it when to impress people, or just keep it in the china cabinet on display, you can't go wrong with this tea set!" Bidding commenced, and the tea set went for $325 to a bidder from Ireland who had moved to Detroit the previous year.

"Third on the block we have four VIP tickets donated by Michael Burch!" Burch walked out, waving an envelope labeled "Probably the tickets, hopefully." "These tickets are located right behind the Falcons' penalty box, so you can shout at Brandon Girard once he inevitable takes a penalty! In addition to getting to attend the game, you'll also have the chance to watch warmups from the players' bench, and go into the locker room before the game starts to meet all the players! Who wants to start the bidding?" The VIP tickets ended up going for $600, to two screaming blonde girls who were shouting something about cutting off a lock of Lemieux's hair.

"Our fourth item tonight is from Vsevolod Nikitin - a case of Great Lakes Beer!" Nikitin walked on stage in a Russian fur coat, laughing hysterically while carrying a case of beer. "IT MIGHT EVEN STILL HAVE BEER IN IT!" he shouts, before falling into a fit of laughter yet again. "Do I hear ten dollars?" asks Creller. He waits before adding, "How about five?" He looks around the room and says, "Will anyone give me anything for this? I'll even pay you to take it." Nobody answers him. "Alright fine, we'll move on to the next item." Nikitin leaves the stage, still laughing. Once he's off-stage, he shouts "NOBODY BOUGHT MY EMPTY CASE!" and starts laughing again.

"Well at least this can't get any worse," remarks Creller. He looks down at his sheet. "Never mind, apparently it can. Ladies and gentleman, we are on our last item for the evening. From Brandon Girard, it's. . ." Creller sighs, before finishing: "himself."

Girard walks out onto the stage, wearing only a pair of boxer briefs. He slowly struts up to the edge of the stage, showing off his muscles as he works his way to the front. "Yes, ladies and gentleman, Brandon Girard is willing to give you his body for one night. That's what he decided to donate," says Creller. "His body." Girard picks up a hockey stick he'd left offstage, then walks back to the front of the stage and starts dancing with it. He then hops off the stage, and jumps onto the nearest table. He grabs the salad dressing, and pours it onto his chest, before rubbing it in. Girard then turns around, climbs back onstage, and begins flexing his muscles. "Let's just get this over with," says Creller. Bidding quickly passes $200. Then $400. A bidding war breaks out between the two girls who bought the VIP passes and some man in the corner. $600. $800. Finally, bidding comes to a close at $1,075, as the man wins. He lets out a very drunken shout, and comes running up to the stage, and in the light suddenly everyone notices - it's Nikitin! "You're coming home with me," he says, and pulls him back stage.

"Well everyone," says Creller. Thank you for a very. . .strange evening. All proceeds from tonight, and half of every Falcons' ticket purchase this week will go towards the March of Dimes. We hope to see you all at a game soon!"

Code:
783 words

TML99 · 07-07-2015, 09:54 AM

As I drive through the outer city limits of St. Louis I canâ€™t help but notice the young kids running around playing road hockey with inequitable equipment and guidance, so many young souls wanting and willing to exceed in life but not given the necessary tools to do so in 2015. So many families below the average income line and unable to put their kids through quality organized sports with the equipment and support necessary. It makes me sad to see so much wasted talent and skill, any one of these kids could excel and become a professional hockey player like myself but they just aren't given the opportunity to.

I went back to St. Louis to our team meeting with an idea, what I had seen that day and many days before had pushed me to do something, to take action. I knew with help from the St. Louis organization Cuffy, bbp and all my teammates we could make a difference in so many young St. Louis kidsâ€™ lives.

During our weekly team sit down meeting I proposed the idea, "How about we start a charity event and do some fundraising to raise money to those less fortunate who want to play organized sports and be a part of the community but just canâ€™t afford to, like a car wash, hockey and football pools, charity barbecue, a concert, or even a fair. If we do any number of these idea than we could raise money to put towards organized sports fees and equipment fees for those kids who cannot afford such luxuries."

The organization was delighted to help and I know they truly saw the positive media this would bring the team as well as providing for so many under privileged kids. We set forth a series of events starting with a huge city wide fair where we would first introduce the charity

<div align="center">Count Me In!
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We got started right away and hosted the first ever Count Me In fair where we introduced our new charity and generated over $10,000 in donations 10% of our goal of $100,000! Wow what a turn out! We followed up with a charity Car wash where we raised another $5,000, we sold raffle ticket sports pools, magazines, and we even had an auction, all raising $20,000.

We have many more events planned over the next couple months and we hope to see everyone attend. We are hosting a big charity concert featuring local St. Louis artist Nelly, also to come is the big city wide charity BBQ with special guest John Hamm the star of Madmen who is also from St. Louis. With all these events and further more fundraising we hope to reach our goal of $100,000 so we may provide over 10,000 St. Louis kids the organized sports the need and deserve. I am very pleased with the willingness to help that came from the St. Louis scarecrows organization together as a team we can put an end to this issue we plan to continue our efforts year round hosting special events like concerts and BBQâ€™s once a year raising money to help those less fortunate.

Durden · 07-07-2015, 03:35 PM

Welcome to the Jack Durden (and Whalers) Herp-a-Derp Man-meat Auction!

We know thereâ€™s a lot of uglies out there, and we know that the Vancouver Whalers houses the best looking and most rugged men in all of pro sports. So, we figured, why not have them pay us to be seen with them for a day? Who doesnâ€™t want dastardly good-looking men by your side for a night? Weâ€™ll even pick up the tab for dinner and drinks. And lord knows weâ€™re gonna need a lot of them to be seen with you!

The Whalers have been a long-standing team that has always been in the public eye. Whether itâ€™s competing at the top level and winning championships in season 10, season 14, season 15, season 18 and season 19, being awesome and being pre-season champions of season 24, or just being a Hall of Famer like Dooley or FourFour, weâ€™re an amazing organization and everyone wants to be us, or be with us.
On the block for the night weâ€™ll have yours truly Jack Durden, Geoffrey Allen, Zack Hoover, Patrikov Bure, Erik Lundqvist and even our GM, JHS!

Jack Durden offers his soft hands and charming personality for a night on the town. Jack will take you to an amazing dance club, and play hide and seek with you all night! If you find him, youâ€™ll win another game!

Geoffrey Allen offers you a night of non-stop talking. Heâ€™ll tell you his whole life story of how he loves bottle caps and coin collecting, and that he hates himself and his job! All you need to do is hold him close and smooth his hair while he falls asleep on your shoulder like a baby with a bottle of Jack Daniels!

Zack Hoover is a prized possession on this block, and offers his quick wit and snap decision making! (Auction notice: Zack Hoover is not available to be purchased by any players OR GMS of any other SMJHL teams. Heâ€™s ours you dicks.)

Patrikov Bure is another hot commodity, and will tell you his life story on your charming dinner date. He will completely regale you with his escape from Russia and how he almost lost his right leg! (Please be able to speak Russian if you bid on this date. The only sexy-talk Bure knows is in his native language and heâ€™s not impressive when he grunts and stares into your eyes.)

Our last player on the auction block is Erik Lundqvist! Bring your A-game ladies and gentlemen. Erik is a world-class talent that will shut you down almost any time you try to score with him. Stick side? I donâ€™t think so. Over the shoulder? Better be salt! 5-hole? Okayâ€¦ Iâ€™ll admit youâ€™ve got a chance 5-hole. Might be his only weakness.

And last up is our lovable GM JHS! Jack is known for his ability to screw up just about anything, so be careful on this date. You could end up getting matching tattoosâ€¦. If only he was legal age! If you wanna get drunk with the kid, make sure you bring your own, because he canâ€™t buy it for you! Good thing heâ€™s so good looking!

We hope youâ€™ll all attend our spectacular evening, and walk away with a night to remember (and later hope to forget! Wink

(552 words)

Hockeypony · 07-07-2015, 05:27 PM

So I got up today and getting ready for the big day. It would be a big day for us Impact as we were bringing sick kids to our hockey rink to show them the ins and outs of our daily lives and then we'd do fun things.

So it got underway and I acted like a goofball and hid a kids hat, he suddenly started looking up down and right and left. He ended up looking behind himself and there I am with his Montreal Impact hat. He laughed, it made my day even better. Soon enough we started signing everything they wanted. Evandrus Jesster's line was around 3 quarters of the kids.It was funny how some people hadn't inked a pen yet and this guy already had like 5 autographs down. I ended up signing most of them but Jesster signed all of them. :lol: We showed how we prepare for games and what we do to pump eachother up. It was funny because we got dared to all do a teddy bear standing contest. Ironically Teddy Bear won the contest. I got third along with Adam Falk in 2nd. It was such an experience not only for the kids but for us to do all of this fun and crazy stuff. They loved it and so did we. We brought in BluesBoy and Doc Holliday and everyone was like "Who are they?" It was pretty funny how we had to explain to them how they ran things around here. Funny times.

Eventually we did the on ice things and most of the kids could go on ice which was nice. Others we rode around of ice chairs (Like a chair with blades on the bottom). It was the best. We played a scrimmage and it went into overtime and the kid who I stole his hat as a joke scored it. He is my new best friend. Such a day for us Impact and the kids. We ended up ending the day with a big party. Ice cream cake, cake, pizza. An awesome day in the life. I've never seen Lidstrom get so crazy :lol: (around us at least) Soon they all went home, it ended up being around 6 hours. Wow. It was a lot of time with the kids. But they only went home because they were preparing for our game against the Firebirds.In which we won. It was great to win for the kids. Later we welcomed them in for one more autograph signing and some thanks and shout outs. When they left I realized how much we must have "impacted" their lives on this day. I feel like a god or something. It's like butterflies in my stomach of amazing joy.

This concludes my great day with the team and the kids of the Montreal community. Montreal is not only my home in the SMJHL, it's a quarter of my life. Glad to be apart of this organization. So I can have these opportunities to do great things. Shout out to my teammates and management for setting it up. Man! Love this organization.

Don't forget these were ill kids from the Montreal Hospital or kids who are disabled.

Words: 539

Jesster · 07-07-2015, 07:06 PM

Many teams have taken part in charity events for diseases and those unfortunate to be below the poverty line, but the Montreal Impact started a new tradition for extracurricular volunteering. Montreal already visits local hospitals and raises funds for cancer research and treatment in the local community, but today they're focusing on their canine friends and their well being.

The Montreal Adopt-A-Pup event kicked off smoothly with all of the new class of rookies in attendance along with most of the vets, the only missing was Sage Tanner, although presumed dead, fans were unhappy there was not even a ghost to appear. The event kicked off at a local pub of all places, although drinking and Liddy go hand in hand, and the occasional wrestling match could easily and is known to ensue. The event was open to every 18+ and the door cost was $30 which got you pizza, wings, and other snack foods and beers on tap. There were tables for donations if you were willing, and even an area to see some of the current dogs looking for furever homes from various rescues across the city. The biggest draw for the all ages crowd was the numerous Chinese auction baskets in the side area of the bar, most of it donated by the Montreal Impact with each player (and maybe their wives) helping donating their own specialized basket. The event was a huge success, great drinks, foods, laughs and a great DJ.

Wondering what the Impact players were up to during this event? We are too, kidding. Actually most of the guys were involved with selling auction tickets and 50/50 raffles. Liddy was off with a couple of the guys he dragged away from important stuff to amp them up to take continuous shots, typical stuff. Jesster even let loose a bit and had a couple shots with Liddy. The fun was had but the event was for a reason, a good cause that is close to the heart of many players on the Impact, awareness for dog rescue. The event was to bring in donations and help pay for the fostering of abandoned and animals without homes. The rescues varied, some mixed breed and some breed specific, from chows to pities, many dogs well represented. The team made about $5,000 for the rescue, and the bar didn't go dry, surprisingly. Even Robb Wind made an appearance and a couple other guys from around the league showed up and gave their support. Bojo was reportedly seen outside the event sitting in his car with Pushkin, with the occasional report of hissing coming from his car towards passersby. Checking surveillance video, it wasn't actually Pushkin doing the hissing. Besides everyone on Montreal questioning Bojo's mental state, the event was a huge success and the guys had a great time. It served the dogs of Montreal and was a wonderful chance for the guys to bond together and grow as a team. The team has already booked a second annual event for next year already, this time it will be even bigger!

Words: 512

Ghostspeed · 07-07-2015, 07:30 PM

While in the middle of a heated players only meeting re: no money - no play..
Rookie Ryan King bounds into the these intense proceedings and announces he has had an epiphany..a moment of divine inspiration...
Nick Leier looks at Ryan and flatly says "..you finally figured out the most important reason for a penis?"

Pal Vikingstod spittakes his third beer of the morning and it hits Winston Windsor dead in the mush. Windsor does a three stooges curly imitation slapping the beer down his face and then jumps at Vikingstod only to be caught in midair by the face and held outta range as the bigman chuckles and searches for more beer. And the scene returns to a gaggle of f**k yous and yo mamas and the preplanning for the no money mutiny.

Ryan being the effervescent puppy of the Scarecrows locker room attempts to give the details of this lightbulb moment, but, he is drowned out by the arguing of whether stringing Cuffy up by his testicles would be the start of the proceedings of this mutiny. Or if kidnapping and dropping him into the lions cage at the St.Louis Zoo covered in rib sauce would get the point across.

Finally Robb Wind our captain looks over and seeing the look of dejection on the face of Ryan he calls for quiet...
Captain Wind calls on our resident optimist to enlighten the team as to the details of this idea.
Ryan grinning like a 10 year old with a game puck, unveils his grand design for a series of charity events...

{{Screen dissolves into dream sequence.
The part of Ryan King is played by the famous comedian, actor and entertainer Kevin Hart..yes, Kevin Hart...it's a dream sequence .}}

"Golly gee guys ..How about we start a charity event and do some fundraising to raise money to those less fortunate who want to play organized sports and be a part of the community but just can’t afford to,we could do shit like a car wash, and hockey and football pools, charity barbecue, a concert, or even a fair. But NO DUNK TANK...I'm like three fucking feet tall and I DO NOT SWIM...I could drown, shit."

Ryan aka Kevin rises from his locker room chair and slowly walks the aisle in front of the scarecrows who are jawdroppingly quiet and totally concentrating on every syllable.

"Team, yes muthaf*kers I mean you...If we do any number of these ideas than we could raise money to put towards organized sports fees and equipment fees for those kids who cannot afford such luxuries. Cause they're like poor and shit....And we could use some of the funds to hire a Bolivian hitteam and a wood chipper and then after the Cuffy situation is dealt with, I'm sure bbp would be properly motivated to ensure contracts are paid...."

The team shouts joyfully and carries Ryan out of the meeting on their shoulders..
{{Camera shot freezes on the gleaming smile of Kevin Hart riding the shoulders of his Scarecrow teammates.}}
{{Screen dissolves back into the reality of the arguing mass of scarecrows}}

Finally Robb Wind our captain looks over and seeing the look of dejection on the face of Ryan he calls for quiet...
"Hey,..Ryan is it? "
Ryan huge smile popping back on his face nods excitedly 'YES'. Now that his moment of inspiration ...his Epiphany, will finally get to be shared with this team ..HIS team....Oh Joy...

"How 'bout you go to Cuffy 's office and see if that jagazz is sober enough.."
(Robb pauses for dramatic effect .and looks his shoulder at the noose Karl is holding then around the room at the team)
....So WE CAN GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!! Charity starts at home!.

Allen · 07-07-2015, 10:32 PM

We're here today at the charity roller hockey tournament, founded by Vancouver Whalers forward, Geoffrey Allen. There seems to be a great turn out today, as a handful of Whalers players made it to the tournament. Zach Hoover, Jack Durden, Patrikov Bure, Vlad McZehrl, and Erik Lundqvist have come out in support of their teammate and his cause. We had a few minutes to sit down with Allen about this great event.

We approached while he was signing autographs and were able to pull him aside briefly. We asked about the charity event and how it came into fruition, "Yeah, it's called 'Ball for Balls', it's a tournament that is supposed to raise awareness for testicular cancer. You know, we here about breasts all the time, but what chick doesn't love a nice, healthy set of balls. Am I right?" We also asked about the turnout and the support the tournament has received so far, "It's been great. We've got 24 teams signed up, and we've had a lot of people from the city and Whalers organization come to show their support. We've also got rides and games, food vendors, and the tournament of course." He also told us that it would be a 4 on 4 tournament with each team having a goalie and 3 forwards. These teams varied with people of all shapes and sizes.

It was quite a delight to see the Whalers players out there competing against the other teams. Zach Hoover, at one point, dangled on an 11 year old girl, crossed up the girl's father with another deke, and then stuffed the puck five hole on the mother who was playing goalie. Afterward he started making hip thrust motions and screamed, "YEAH BABY THAT'S HOW YOU LIKE IT I BET. FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK BITCH." The mother could not be reached for comment.

Jack Durden's team did very well during the tournament. There was a peculiar moment when a young man, aged 12-13 crossed the red line and Durden came up and laid a very clean hit on the boy, ala Brian Campbell on RJ Umberger. The boy's father approached Durden, who quickly dropped the gloves and began to land some seriously big punches to the man's face. The referee was able to break the two up, and they both received 5 minute majors for fighting.

Patrikov Bure was a force on the ice, tallying assist after assist over the course of the tournament. He was playing very well, and would often cause turnovers in the opponents zone, simply by screaming very angrily in Russian at the opposing players. At one point, a young woman began to urinate herself and cry. Bure swiftly scooped up the puck from her and set his teammate up for the one timer.

Vlad McZehrl made it out to the event and was the life of the party. Although he did not play, he was seen frequenting the concessions stand. He would regularly watch the hot dogs on the roller and babble incoherently about needles or something.

Erik Lundqvist was lights out during the tournament and posted a save percentage of 1.000. He could literally not be beaten by any player that skated into the zone. We are unsure if it was because of his magnificent goaltending, or if it was just how fucking good his hair was looking that day. He was also styling a Stephen F summer suit with velvet jacket, a black tie, a white shirt with mother of pearl buttons, and suede shoes. I mean, a velvet sports jacket is like a menswear cheat code. It's hard to find one that looks greatâ€“â€“the thicker fabric requires ultra slim proportionsâ€“â€“but when you nail it, this piece always looks crazy lu.

As for Allen, his team eventually went on to win the tournament and he was able to hoist the first ever "Ball for Balls" trophy. They were able to raise over $10,000 for testicular cancer awareness. Word is, Allen will also start a calender fundraiser as well, which will feature 12 members of the teams balls for each month of the year.

[688 Words]

Alucard · 07-08-2015, 01:19 PM

KELOMONADE KNIGHTS
From scouts and girl guides to cuddly kittiesâ€”how the Knights helped raise money for youth organisations throughout the city.

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The Kelowna Knights helped the Kelowna Girl Scouts to shatter their own fundraising record.

Fresh off the back of a charity lacrosse event, the Kelowna Knights furthered their good deeds for the year by joining a group of girl scouts in a lemonade sale, aimed at raising money for youth organisations throughout the city. The sale featured a veritable fleet of Knights rookies in Jonathan Lundberg, Nikolaus Scholz, Hugh Johnson, Tony Flow, Maria Maximova, and Ivan Koroviev, as well players like Reginald Howard, Igor Ogorodnikov, and Maximovaâ€™s fellow captains, Adam Abodobe and Randy Randleman. KristjÃ¡n Vilhjalmsson was the most notable absentee, claiming that he had emerged from the Kenny Loggins inspired Danger Zone into the Hangover Zone, though nobody seemed to believe him. â€œVikings donâ€™t get hungover,â€ was the common consensus.

The sale lasted from 9 a.m. until 3 p.m., andâ€”particularly in the morning hoursâ€”a number of the players did look a little worse for wear following the preceding nightâ€™s post-lacrosse session. Alternate captain Maximova belied her Russian heritage but gave a sterling example of leadership by taking advantage of her teammatesâ€™ grogginess, and giving the girls a lesson on the dangers of alcohol consumption. Needless to say, this had to be done out of earshot of captain Randleman; given the fact that by noon he had usurped a quarter of the girlsâ€™ supply of lemons and downed seven make-shift lemon balls, one would assume that he would have objected to Maximovaâ€™s lesson.

Randleman wasnâ€™t the only Knight to escape a hangover, however. As passers-by stopped to converse with their cityâ€™s hockey stars and purchase plastic cups of lemonade, the Knightsâ€™ European contingent engaged each other in street-side dance-off. Messrs Scholz, Lundberg, and Koroviev competed for the childrenâ€™s adulation, and amidst a barrage of mad skills on disaply it was the Russianâ€™s classic knee-stepping Cossak dancing that earned the largest cheers. Really though; who could choose a winner? Check out these moves!!

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At the end of the day the girls had broken their own fundraising record by over $250, and Korovievâ€™s honorary victory was awarded by one girl scout with the presentation of an ocelot kitten, much to the chagrin of his captain.

â€œWhy does he get the ocelot?â€ asked a flustered Randleman. â€œIf anyone should get an ocelot, itâ€™s me. Does he even know anything about ocelots? Because Iâ€™ll tell you all you need to know: ocelots are frickinâ€™ AWESOME!â€

As pleased with his gift as he was amused with his captainâ€™s response, Koroviev promptly named the kitten Begemot (Russian for Behemoth, after the mischievous, gun-toting, vodka-swilling, poker-playing cat from Mikhail Bulgakovâ€™s classic novel The Master and Margarita), and stated that Randleman was just jealous, but could come over to play with Begemot whenever he liked.

Koroviev: â€œI think Randy is joking, but also he is how you sayâ€¦ pozelenevhiy ot zavisti?â€ [translation: green with envy]

Maximova: â€œHere they say â€˜three sheets to the windâ€™, Ivan.â€

Koroviev: â€œOk, this.â€

Randleman: â€œWaitâ€”did he really say that? Because I am not drunk. Do you have any idea how much booze it takes to get me drunk? I could drink your stupid Russian city under the table.â€

Koroviev: "Haha! Table? In Khabarovsk? We drink from floor!"

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Ivan posing with the newest member of the Koroviev family, Begemot.

(Word count: 570)

Ballerstorm · 07-08-2015, 01:35 PM

Give it... Give me the ocelot now.

Alucard · 07-08-2015, 01:40 PM

Quote:Originally posted by Ballerstorm@Jul 8 2015, 06:35 PM
Give it... Give me the ocelot now.

Get your own, you... Randy. <_< Y'heard me!

Winter is Coming · 07-08-2015, 03:36 PM

Scarecrows Players Start a Charity Auction for Whalers Fans!

At the start of every SMJHL season, all teams within the league possess a great deal amount of hope for themselves, that they will ultimately be the team that raises a banner, and gets to hold up high the Four Star Cup trophy. Once we hit the middle of the season though, reality starts to sink into teams that are simply not preforming well, especially when such promise might have been expected of them. The team that applies to the aforementioned reality are the Vancouver Whalers, who are currently far and beyond the worst team in the SMJHL, with a record of thirteen wins, twenty-three losses, and two overtime losses for a grand total of twenty-eight points. To place things in perspective to other teams, the Whalers are thirteen points behind the team with the second worst overall record in the SMJHL, the Kelowna Knights. What is more shocking is how the Whalers were so close to winning the Four Star Cup last season, kept all their players drafted, and added even more talent into the draft, only for them to be doing this poorly.

The St. Louis Scarecrows being as charitable and awesome as they are (who are also the team in the league with the current best overall record), felt incredibly bad for the fans of the Whalers, who have to pay very high ticket prices, only to watch a team struggling mightily, and are most certainly not getting their moneyâ€™s worth on a nightly home game basis. Therefore, the Scarecrows, led by their captain Robb Wind, and several other players on the team, decided to hold a charity auction, in order to help these suffering fans recoup some of the money they have essentially wasted this season, by having to pay for such an underperforming team.

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A photo of the auction

Many of the Scarecrows auctioned signed jerseys, sticks, and pucks to the fans of the team, and then gave all the proceeds to a new foundation they started titled â€œRelief for Wumbo Whalersâ€ which mission is to â€œLimit the suffering, and sadness of Vancouver Whalers supporters, by providing monetary relief for watching their shitty team.â€
The auction turned out to be a fantastic success for the foundation, as they managed to have raised close to five thousand dollars in total and were able to essentially refund the season ticket costs of twenty unfortunate souls! Needless to affirm, those who received the aid were incredibly thankful for the Scarecrowsâ€™ efforts, and in fact, immediately declared their fan-hood for the Scarecrows, abandoning an already sinking disaster of a team, for a more promising and less disappointing franchise.

It is unknown how Whalers players, management, and ownership currently feel about these turn of events, as they are first hearing about this charity auction and foundation now, but I am sure the fans who have had their season tickets refunded are quite thankful. One thing is for certain, the feelings of all involved with the Whalers really should not matter after the season the Whalers fans have had to endure.

Word Count: 520

NOTE: This is a parody and and by no means do I have any issues with anyone on the Whalers, there are many awesome people on that team!

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