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I'd Like to Apologize to Detroit
#1

For absolutely fuckin nothing. If you think for one second that I’m going to apologize to you Falcons, buddy I’ve got a fuckin bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. First of all, you still play in Detroit and even then I still feel like that’s a little too high class for you. Second of all, you’re the Falcons and the only Falcon I know is Michael Vick. Third, I walked past your locker room and I don’t know which one of you pukes decided to play Sleeping With Sirens, but you disgust me.

I’ve been seeing these people coming out of the woodwork to try and talk shit against me and my boys and it’s kind of funny. You’d think an article written by a guy who was 6 shots into his night would be disregarded, but no it wasn’t. The Halifax Gazette would be praying for the type of exposure my article got. That’s what happens when big time players make big time moves.

But for a real apology, I’d like to apologize to Nikolai Evans and the Montreal Militia. No, I haven’t seen the error of my ways, I just hate Detroit so fucking much that it has overtaken you as my most hated SMJHL team. A feat that I did not think was actually possible, but here we are.

I had some people asking me if I was serious about this. Like this is some kind of fun game or activity. Maybe you think this is some kind of joke, but this is serious business. This is on par with the hate I have for that dumbass kid who hit me in the nuts with a basketball in 5th grade. Yeah I mean you, Devon you fuckin rat. This is worse than the hate I have for my dress pants when they split at a school dance. If you think I’m not serious, then you aren’t paying attention. Detroit, you’ve taken everything I’ve worked for motherfucker. I’m gonna beat your fuckin ass. You know what the real money series is, the real money series is us.

So to get this narrowed down here, I saw some SHL GMs had a problem with what I said. And that makes sense, ya know, because hockey GMs are terrified of players with an edge. Back in the good old days, this was a trait that was treated with gratitude. You wanted a guy like me, but they’re gettin scared of a big personality like me. Don’t be scared homie. I’ll bring more eyes to your franchise than any of these wannabes out there, thinking they’re slick. You want profits? You want women? I’m tellin ya, no one will swim in more poon than whoever drafts me.

Hey little Kitten Smeb, did you think you were going to get out of this unscathed? Hell no. I’m not even remotely close to finished with you. I’m willing to bet you and each of your animal named teammates like Hippo, Waffles Man, and Lingo Bingo couldn’t spell “vicarious” which is the position you’re in. Open up the dictionary and you’ll see that the definition of vicarious is “did you really fucking think I was going to define vicarious you silly gopher fuck?” I have no time to teach english to a bunch of no good Falcons.

From what I’ve gathered, all of you are used to someone talking shit, losing, then dipping. I haven’t even peaked yet fam. The day I dip is the day they pry this laptop away from my cold, dead hands. And I don’t plan on dying until the seas swallow the continents from global warming. So maybe 5 years tops. The really odd thing is that the Detroit “players” seem to think that they’re winning. Maybe they’re reading the fake news a little bit much, because according to my sources, they’re actually down 3-0. I hope that you’ve been checking your sources when it comes to the box scores, because I know there’s been a misinformation campaign coming out of Detroit, trying to fool you into believing that they are winning this series. This is no different than when North Korea flexes its nuclear dick to assert dominance. No one really believes it but we play along so that they don’t fuck around and nuke themselves. It’s all a bunch of fabrications, distributed by loonies like Kitty Smeb and the rest of the Detroit Zoo to the working man.

The reality is that we are about to beat Detroit and move on to the next round. They’ll tell you it’s a lie, that it’s not true and incredibly unfair. But here in Halifax, we’ve never told a lie. When Kit Smeb tells you “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”, I’m here telling you that I fucked 4 hookers last week and I think I could make it 6 this week. Now Sophia is going to beat the living shit out of me for that, but I don’t care. I am a man of the people who doesn’t spout LIES like Detroit’s “leaders”. Hippo LastName seems to think he’s lubing up for a nice fuck when in reality, Jimmy Slothface is standing right behind him. How’s that for some graphic content?

I know you’ve heard the saying that the numbers don’t lie. Well, I’m here to tell you that they do lie, especially when they’re published by bullshit artists. If you truly believe that Detroit is currently in the lead, I bet you also believe that John F. Kennedy was shot with a plasma beam disguised as sniper bullets by robot space pirates who also memorably shot Mike Ribeiro during a Montreal Canadiens playoff game. I bet you believe that it is butter. I think you get the point, you’re fucking ridiculous if you honestly believe the propaganda machine churning out lies.

Let me tell you a personal story about Kit-Kat Smeb. Kitrandra Smeb told me in the prospect showcase that “it’s only business” after embellishing a boarding call. From that moment forward, all of my respect for that diva has gone out the window. From a pure hockey sense, we have won all 3 games thus far. They got a good knock on us in game 3 but not enough to truly be considered a win. Because everyone seems to have forgotten the unwritten rule that you start off down by four if you choose to dress Kithanthenum Smeb. That’s right, I dug into the SMJHL rulebook and found it buried next to IIHF tampering and the new rule against murdering hookers. You scholars out there haven’t done your homework.

The facts are here. I have never told a lie in my entire life. When God decides to strike me down, he’ll say “Troy, you were a belligerent, drug using, unfaithful alcoholic, but you sure as hell weren’t a liar”. In fact, I know this because I take my dreams and I turn them into reality, we actually were in first place this whole time. I didn’t want to drop this on you during the regular season, but we’ve been dominating. What you saw in the first half of the season was nothing more than a fever dream because you’re all hemp smoking hippies who can’t tell whether Ariane Grande is amazing or the devil for breaking up with that racially ambiguous SNL guy. Dave Peterson or some shit like that.

And even if we are down 3-0 like the fake news says, it isn’t quite over yet. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. If you believe that there’s a god up there in heaven, that sent his son down to die for his sins and answers your prayers despite you being a horrendous person, if you believe that, you can damn well believe that we can come back and reverse sweep those cretins back into the sewer where they belong.

Troy Reynolds
Raiders Right Winger
Popcorn Conneseur

Big Walter Ulrich
S69 Prospect
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#2

I am entertained.

Zach Evans[/b] | Player Page | Update Page
Nikolai Evans
| Player Page | Update Page


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#3

Vodka in the water bottle starting in the first period today Troy. Time to pull out all the stops!

raiders

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#4

On my list of power rankings of Maritime cities, Halifax doesn't even rank top 3

Battleborn  Finland     [Image: QwTZD8C.png]   [Image: uJXrVDL.png]  [Image: iemKOIk.png]     Finland  Battleborn

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#5

Brings back the good ol' days.

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#6

Make it rain on them

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#7
(This post was last modified: 02-01-2019, 12:07 PM by .bojo.)

articles like these are great lorem ipsum replacements

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#8

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Knights|Dragons|Austria
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#9

Can't wait to see the Raiders response to the Falcons' Game Misconduct today...........

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Agent of Nick Brain: Center/Right Winger - Winnipeg Aurora
Agent of John Torrance: Advisor to the General Manager - Winnipeg Aurora
Agent of Anatoli Terrorov: Head Coach - Colorado Raptors

Nick Brain Player Profile: http://simulationhockey.com/showthread.php?tid=91326
Nick Brain Update Thread: http://simulationhockey.com/showthread.php?tid=91332
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#10

Oh hell yeah
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#11

You're getting to them Troy:
4:50 of 2nd period - Major / Game Misconduct Penalty to Jimmy Cahill for Spearing.
4:50 of 2nd period - Jimmy Cahill is ejected from game.

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#12

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#13

REVERSE SWEEP ENGAGE

Zach Evans[/b] | Player Page | Update Page
Nikolai Evans
| Player Page | Update Page


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#14

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#15

Buncha hosers

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UsaScarecrowsBlizzardSpecters | [Image: specterspp.png][Image: spectersupdate.png] | TimberArmadaSpectersFinland

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