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*Ferda* · 08-02-2019, 04:37 AM

Hello everyone, Ferda here with a inside scoop on the extravagant draft night of newly-drafted Anchorage Armada defenceman, Augustus Wang aka “Big Wanger”. Augustus was not present during the highly-anticipated Season 49 SMJHL Draft which left many wondering where he was. However, to get a full perspective on the situation, we must go back in time to the beginning of the morning where I was fortunate enough to meet with Augustus in the hotel lobby and ask him a couple of questions. Here is what he had to say:

Good morning Augustus today is your draft day. What is going through your mind as we get closer and closer to the actual draft?
A: Well, there’s not much going on and I’ve shown all I have in the minors. All the boys got my back and I’m pretty confident that I’ll go in the first round. The other guys that I’m up against are huge chumps that can’t score for ****. Man, they put me on the wing for the ****ing prospect showcase and I got 4 ****ing goals in one game versus the Blazers. If that isn’t enough to get the boys talking, then they’re all delusional. I know I’m the best and nobody can stop me.

After answering the question, Augustus proceeds to pull out a beer and shotgun it right in front of me yelling, “FERDA!!!!!”. I would like to add that his face was already bright red which may be an indicator of alcohol consumption. But I was taken aback by his enthusiasm for good journalism and we continued through.

Uh, well then… Augustus, could you tell us about yourself and how you got started into hockey?
A: Damn man, this is a big question. I’m a little too buzzed but give me a second because this is an important story to me. I hope others that are in my position can find a way to use it to motivate themselves. I started out in the boonies of Mississauga with just my mom and I cause my pops was out back in China for work. I grew up in a poor area and my mom actually had little money to put me through to play hockey. I learned to play through my best buds growing up where we’d challenge the rich kids at our elementary school a couple blocks down to some street hockey. Man, we were absolute garbage and lost every game, but we’d lose every game and I’d get angrier and angrier which fueled my passion to get better than them. The only way I got practice was by beating up one of the rich kids and taking one of his spare sticks home. I’d use his stick, which was a righty, so I had to shoot backwards, and practice taking shots with a tennis ball against my garage. My mom would be so pissed at the constant banging on the door and yell at me in Chinese, but I never knew what she was saying because I wasn’t fluent. I’d practice every day, but we’d still lose. Honestly, I hated losing, but the rest of my buds didn’t so I brushed it off as best as I could because at the end of the day its just a game.

A couple years after, maybe around when I was 10 years old, I had gotten a lot taller than all the other rich kids which put me at a definite size advantage versus them. Eventually, I had gotten good enough to get the attention of one of the rich kids’ dads who told my mom that she should put me into ice hockey because he said I had talent. He gave me some old gear his son had outgrown and brought me to one of his son’s practices and taught me the fundamentals of hockey. Man, I did not fit into any of it, but it didn’t matter because I just wanted to learn how to play. Thankfully, I progressed fast and eventually surpassed all of the other kids on the team, so I wasn’t just this huge kid that was trash and somehow made it onto the team because the coach like him. It got to the point where I was offered a roster spot on one of the travel teams. Even with my success, my mom was totally against it, but told me that if I worked some odd jobs around town then she’d sign the waivers for me to join. I’ll get into that another time, but it was tough growing up and having to work just for a shot to chase a dream. Fortunately, I had saved enough money to travel and continue playing. My grades slipped, which pissed my mom off even more, but I was getting scouts from left and right to the rink to come and watch me play. At that point, school didn’t matter to me and all I knew was that I wanted to be a professional hockey player. I know it’s stereotypically abnormal for an Asian to be terrible at school, but hockey is all I could think about and its what I knew I wanted to do.

Augustus once again, shotguns not one, but two beers this time, as he points at two attractive women and yells “HEY LADIES!! I'M GETTIN' DRAFTED! THIS ONE'S FOR THE BOTH OF YOU!".

Wow, that’s a great come-up story. I can see that you’re really excited for the draft, but I have one last question for you. What do you want to prove in the SMJHL?

A: I want to make my mom proud by getting onto a team and hopefully reach the SHL one day. My mom is still living at that old place and hopefully I can eventually get her out of there. But for now, I just want to clap bombs, kick some junior ass and win some chips with the boys. I’ll show you all that I have what it takes to be in this league and rep all my boys back at home who thought we’d always get our asses kicked by the rich kids. This one’s ferda boys! WOO!

Thank you, Augustus, for the insightful interview and good luck in the draft.

As I said the last line, Augustus left into the city to celebrate with his entourage who all seemed to be equally intoxicated as him. What we later learned from insider sources, was that Augustus had started a fight outside one of the bars open just prior to the 7:30pm start of the draft but had passed out as he was getting out of his seat due to intoxication. Just before the draft, we see that Augustus was incoherent as seen in this tweet. Luckily, one of his fellow rookies, Partario Scarangella (@PartarioScarangella), was able to offer him a Lyft coupon to get to the hospital (Coupon code: PARTARIO799303). Augustus was rushed into the emergency room where he had to have his stomach pumped due to extreme alcohol poisoning. Once he reacheda stable condition, he was released from the hospital to find out that he was drafted by Anchorage and that he was also able to go for another round with the boys. We can only hope that Augustus keeps up the good work and lives up to the high expectations he has set for himself in the SMJHL.

This was article brought to you by local reporter, Ferda, of the Bois News Network (BNN). A proud supporter of getting 2x on a draft-related article.

Ferda © 2019

***Acsolap*** · 08-02-2019, 05:35 AM

Credit to Ml002, King, Wasty, Carpy, Bruins10, Rum_Ham, Turd Ferguson, Ragnar and Enigmatic for the sigs.
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DaftRaincloud · 08-02-2019, 08:31 AM

Happy to have you in Anchorage!

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