Good August Whaler faithful. It is I, the terror of the tape, the clakiting-est clacker that has ever stepped up to a keyboard, your eye on the simulated ice, your Keyboard Warrior! 

The Whalers are flying high on a five-game win streak. It is on the line today as they face their greatest challenge yet, the Kelowna Knights. The Knights have been a burr in the Whalers socks all season, defeating them game after game as if the Simulation knows how much it pains all of us watching. The surging Whalers will have to prove they are more than a flash in the proverbial pan by facing their nemesis and earning another two points. 

 I know it may seem impossible, Whaler faithful, but we must believe in our scrappy band of misfits. With our love and belief behind them, there is nothing they can't do! I swear Disney better get off their asses and produce the movie about this glorious season. We deserve to be immortalized, damn it.

Anyways, let us take a look at today's schedule shall me, my lovelies?

also, it's Friday, avoid the bookings, beloved.

Today's scheduled sim, for the Whalers, starts with the Vancouver Whalers taking a trip to Kelowna. As previously mentioned, in a manner no way intended to inflate my word count, and not sloppily thought out because it would have made more sense to put that bit after I announced the schedule, but what can you do here we are...the game against the Knights will be the test of tests to see where the Whalers truly stand amongst the heavy hitters of the Simulation Major Junior Hockey League.  

Next, the New Foundland Berserkers come raiding in Vancouver. The Berserkers will be another tough team to face, they too sit at the top of the league, and have pillaged their way through the league like the fabled norsemen that once sailed the vast ocean to conquer everything and anyone . Will history repeat itself in this game? or will the Whalers send these mythic warriors to the halls of Valhalla?

Let us see how the Whalers faired, in the sim that was the twenty-third day of simulations. 

Holy shit what a game I can't believe what I've just seen. He Who Cannot Be Named (Cal Knight-slayer) just put in the effort of a lifetime to keep the Whalers nemesis off the board, another shutout for HIM! He helps extend the win streak to six games, takes the Whalers to a twenty win season, and breaks the Knights six game win streak against the Whalers! 

the score was one to nothing by the way. Went to a shoot-out. No big DEAL. Johnny Shuffleboard, Shuff, clutch Shush, Shuffinator came in streaming down the wing, dangled and danced, and put the biscuit in the basket to secure the shootout for the Vancouver Whalers. What a swell guy!

The Knights have beaten the Whalers five to nothing, five to nothing, five to three, four to one, three to two, and two to one, outscoring the Whalers twenty-three to eight in those six games. Well, how does it feel to be shutout by a square boy??? Tell me Kelowna, tell meee.

This win, and the Anaheim Outlaws loss, buts the Whalers within three points of the Outlaws. If they win their next game, they can be within a point and have a chance tomorrow to leapfrog the Outlaws for fourth in the West.

There is no doubt in my mind that the Whale of O'Tale award goes He Who Cannot Be Named for standing on his head, butt chugging, and snorting pop rocks before the game to get such a magnificent performance. This is truly a tale that he will be telling for the ages, though I hope there are many more tales in the future for our beloved Square Boy.

Luffy Richard participated. He had a blocked shot and four hits, so good for him, the scrub. He also lost the two face-offs he took. At least he was physical, you gotta love that. I caught up with him after the game and he kept screaming that the whalers are "the windmills so keep charging you Cervantes scrubs, get your La Mancha out of here! We are the giants of stone and wind power-generation!"

I don't know exactly what that is supposed to mean, but knowing the cerebral player that Luffy Richard is, I'm sure it is full of meaning and profundity. 

Next up are the New Foundland Berserkers, so let us see how that game went, shall we? 

Folks, after a back and forth game, where the Whalers jumped to a three to one lead against the Berserkers, the New Foundland club roared back to tie the game, but this would not be the end of the line for the Whalers, no, Whaler faithful, they would not be denied. In the second shootout of the day, the Whalers sealed their seventh win in a row to move themselves within a point of the Anaheim Outlaws and put them at five-hundred. What a game, what a stretch of games, what a run this team has been on!

Luffy Richard had himself a hell of a game! He had an assist, three takeaways, and four hits. What a physical monster he has become on the ice. This is the Luffy Richard the Whalers, and the Toronto North Stars were hoping to see. He helps in the tough situation, he moves the puck up the ice, and is putting more pressure on opposing goalies. He just needs to be more consistent with putting pucks into the back of the net. 


In their last ten games the whalers are eight, one and one. I don't think anyone but the Whalers themselves saw this kind of output, but a very active locker room has been a boon to this team, rallying each player to strive for the greatness their mother's always told them was in them. Mother's are great that way, any parental figure that is supportive is great. Mine was an uncle who told me to keep clacking because I had some really good artificial fingers to do so. What a guy, shame he got that virus and is now broken code. I still visit him though, because that is what family does. The Whalers have proven that by coming together and making a real push to the middle of the pack, beating the heavy hitters in the league, and reversing several seasons of futility with the light of hope.

I caught up with Luffy at his favorite ramen spot, he had ran all the way there in his excitement (he gets a discount for every point he scores in a game) and asked him how he felt about the game. He said his plus-minus can go to simulated hell for being a tac in his ass, but otherwise, he was feeling good for crushing bodies the way he has been these days. He was happy to have a helper and get on the scoreboard, but he has hit too many posts lately, and is upset he might not reach his first season's goal total, but there is still a sliver of hope he might do so. He wants to score in the last games of the season, he wants to help his team succeed.

Luffy Richard believes in this group, and he wants to get Hartmann a shot at the cup before he sails on to greener pastures. The earnestness in his ramen-spiced smile is without guile, this is truly a man who wants to succeed alongside the people who have helped him grow as a player.

That was the day that was, and I have been your Keyboard Warrior, until next time! have a good one.

(1324 I believe)
8-1-1