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jbay7 · 10-08-2022, 12:08 PM

(1108 words)

St. Louis, Missouri - It's been an up and down season for the St. Louis Scarecrows, with stretches of games where they look like Four Star Cup favorites, and others where they look like they learned everything they know about hockey from Emilio Estevez. Individually, the Crows roster is bursting with talent ranging from early draft picks that lived up to the hype like Dan Baltisberger and Tommy Koivu, as well as later round picks that vastly exceeded expectations like Anthony Dionne and Diablo Rose. The team further bolstered their strength with acquisitions of proven scorers Matsmith Söderberg-Tremblay and Rikkert Biemans. The team was filled with stars at every position, as well as talented prospects taking on depth roles and it seemed there was no real weakness on this team.

But that hasn't always translated to success for St. Louis, who currently sit at 27-22-0 with 54 points, a distant 3rd place in their division to Regina and Detroit. Various theories for their relatively uninspiring performance so far this season have been floated, including most of the usual excuses like bad bounces, unfair refereeing, an adjustment period for the new players on the team, and a grueling schedule that has included multiple stretches of 3 games in 4 days. However some outspoken Crows fans claim to have found the true reason for St. Louis's uneven performances: the Head Coach and General Manager. Fortunately they generously have offered the blueprint for fixing what ails the team, with no consultation fee required.

"The problem with the Crows is quite simple," quipped Oliver Stackhouse, a Maintenance Electrician at Anheuser-Busch from Maplewood. "The talent is spread too thin across all the lines. I mean, would you rather have 1 Lamborghini or 3 Ford Pintos? I guess Detroit would probably have the Pintos, but the point is, why bother to spend assets to bring in Söderberg-Tremblay if he's not even going to get first line minutes? It just doesn't make sense. Also, why doesn't [Tommi] Koivu partner with [Wide Peepo Happy 3] Koivu on the blueline? Chemistry is important," added Stackhouse, seemingly oblivious to the fact that both play on the left side of the defense.

Other fans, however, argue that the scoring talent isn't spread enough throughout the lines. "You're running out Baltisberger and Biemans, our only two 20 goal scorers, on the same line. The other team just has to focus on shutting down that line and our offense disappears," noted Noah Pembroke, a Part Time Sales Associate at Build-a-Bear workship from Jennings. "Everyone knows you can't put all your eggs in one basket, you got to diversify your portfolio."

Line combinations aren't the only complaint amongst the Crow faithful, as some fans have instead taken issue with the roles assigned to the players. "I was watching a game the other day, I think it was against Kelowna," said Harper Jackson, a Staff Accountant from Richmond Heights. "There's a stoppage in play, and when they get set for the faceoff, it's Biemans in the circle to take the faceoff. I mean, this guy is barely above 30% on faceoffs, why are we still trotting him out there? Anyway it gets worse: he gets thrown out of the circle and who steps in to take his place? [Filip] Lund, our rookie defenseman. When asked about the result of the faceoff, Jackson responded, "Well, Lund ended up winning the faceoff but still, it's indicative of a deeper problem within our coaching staff. They simply don't value faceoffs. I mean, you can't score if you don't have the puck."

St. Louis has tried a multitude of different line combinations this season in an attempt to find a spark for their offense, but it seems this is still a work in progress. But for some fans, the lines aren't the cause of the Crows' woes, but something different altogether.

"Anyone who can read numbers and look at the statistics can figure out what's wrong with the team," pointed out Dale Kirkwood, a Retail Sales Associate at Nestle Purina. "Malachi Booth needs to be the starting goaltender. He's got a better Win-Loss record, a better GAA, and a better save percentage. Only a moron would keep suiting up Dionne when he performs worse on a consistent basis." Backup Goaltender Booth has seen increased action this season, as Dionne has been called up for a few games by the Texas Renegades, his parent club. Still, Booth has started just 13 games this season. When asked about small sample sizes and Dionne's perfect shootout record, Kirkwood launched into a long, rambling tirade about "statistical significance of standard deviations" followed by a slew of expletives aimed at this reporter.

The Head Coach's line and goalie choices weren't the only source of irritation for fans. "Bringing in Biemans, I don't know what the GM was thinking. Anyone can put up goals on a bad team, look what happened when he came to a contender like St. Louis. It took him what, like 5, 6 games before he got his first goal?" noted Kurt Bradley, a Scrum Master from Clayton. When asked about Biemans' 9 goals in the last 7 games, Bradley retorted, "Luck. I figured out exactly what kind of player he was after five games and nothing he does is going change my mind."

The GM has come under fire by fans for other reasons, too. "The team this GM has assembled is just too soft," said Scott Johns, a Quality Assurance Specialist at Charmin, from Granite City of the Crows, who boast two players in the top 10 in hits. "I thought they turned a corner when they drafted [Jarrod] Lakemore and he fought that punk that kept trying to slew foot our stars in pre-season. But it turns out that was a one time thing-- since the regular season started, he's been a saint and hasn't so much as laid a finger on the other team, much less an actual fight."

St. Louis fans, who haven't celebrated a championship since the days of the Scarecrow dynasty in S44-46, are an exasperated group that have become increasingly quick to point the finger lately. After coming within one game of reaching the Four Star Cup finals last season, the Crows are looking to build on that season and take the next step. But for some fans, it seems they have already found their scapegoat for the failure that has yet to come.

***MikeLiut*** · 10-08-2022, 08:46 PM

Wow, I LOVE that article!

***Anthique*** · 10-09-2022, 02:13 PM

Man that was good!

Maybe you should help @TheSparkyDee and @By-Tor, they really don't know what they are doing hahaha!

Seriously, they week sims are really better than what we had previously, so I hope we continue to play like that.

***hhh81*** · 10-09-2022, 03:38 PM

When your parody spins all the way back around

***TheSparkyDee*** · 10-09-2022, 06:44 PM

…. I’m not crying… your crying

Beaty · 10-09-2022, 07:39 PM

Great piece!

Urq660 · 10-12-2022, 03:47 AM

#sparkyout

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